SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all!
I just thought about writing a bit of an update. I never really posted that much, only when I was really stuck, but this site has helped me a lot. Both in the advice on my posts and on the thinking I did after reading the posts of others. I’m grateful for that.
We are closing in on the seven year dday anniversary. Her affair was physical the last two weeks of June, 2017. It was emotional well before that. I’m always a little edgy this time of year. We are both teachers, so summer is a big thing, but so are the reminders. I’m sure you can find my story, my w slept with the janitor at our school while I was out on sick leave with a broken neck. I had to return to work with him in the building. It was awful, worse because he was quite inappropriate, so there are a lot of reminders that aren’t based on season. I only really feel the anniversary reminders now. It’s been different this year though. Still think about it more than usual, but the thoughts stay in the head. I don’t have the visceral things happening anymore. That’s good.
We are stronger now than we’ve been in a while. We’ve been through and are travelling through some shit. Her dad died a little while ago. A very important figure in all of our lives. She has grieved and has let me support her. I’m giving the eulogy at the funeral. Her mom asked me. My w and I are writing it together and it’s been a really profound experience.
We are coming up to the seven year mark. They say 2-5 years, but it was more than that for me. I still get tripped up at times. I can say with certainty that I am in a place I never thought I’d get to with my wife. I’m really happy I took the risk to stay together. Things can obviously change, but in the now, things are really very good. Our kids are happy, but still struggle. We can work together to help them. Our fights are there, but stay on topic. They rarely shift to things in the past. That’s because of the work I’ve done.
There are definitely still things. I know she is happier, but I worry there is more work to be done. She is resistant to therapy, I’ve been going for almost seven years! She’s not a sad person, but there is a depressive side that can, and definitely has, caused damage lurking in the shadows. That scares me.
On the whole though, things are really good on the home front. We are surprisingly a happy and healthy family. It’s work, and a lot of it for a lot of time, but it can definitely be worth it.

She is resistant to therapy, I’ve been going for almost seven years!

Do you think she is odd for resisting therapy? To a certain extent I agree but for me it is a red flag that you have been in need of therapy for such A LONG TIME!

As much as I believe in therapy, 7 years are too much. In my opinion it means you have an addiction to it, you are afraid you cannot cope without it, which makes me think your therapist has not given you the skills, the "tools" to be able to make your own decisions and elaborate on your own what is happening in your life.

Are you sure your therapist is not taking advantage of you? What do you need to tell her/him that you haven’t in SEVEN YEARS? You and your wife are at the extremes as far as therapy is concerned. One too little and the other too much.

HR,

Does OM,WW and You still work together at the same school or even the same district?

Ignore the comment about how long you have been in IC. It’s not like you are only tackling one issue in there…

I don’t really feel I need the therapy anymore, but I like it. It centres me. I have a really great relationship with my therapist. Not something I need, but something I want.
No, there is no contact at all now. OM was there for one year. That year was awful, I honestly don’t know how I got through it. From where I am now, I’m glad I did. But I wouldn’t do it again.

I remember you even if you didn’t post much, we were here around the same period.

It’s really good to hear you found happiness post dday. I have no opinion on you going to therapy for 7 years, if it helps you and it works then that’s great.

I do wonder why your wife is resistant to it, you’d think that "I’d do anything to save our marriage" we often hear from cheaters includes therapy, more so if we, the betrayed parties, ask them to attend. However, has she openly spoken to you about it, answered your questions, showed empathy and do you feel that she did, overall, all she could to save your marriage and facilitate your healing? If so then perhaps she’s able to have the level of introspection needed post these events in solitude and without the specialised guidance of a therapist.

To your point about still tripping from time to time I think we all do. It’s impossible not to as it has shaped the people we are today.

As I was reading through your post it made me realise that my WH was having his affair at the same time as your WW. But it also dawned on me that I forgot all those dates I was obsessing about at the time, I knew the dates they had sex, the day he took off to spend with her, at the time I/we had created the entire timeline, now I just know he had his affair from end of May to September (dday) but the rest of the details are gone(ish).

It does seem like there is healing and happiness to be found on the other side, well done for getting there!

I wish you well going forward.

For me therapy for her would have been a requirement. But what you can live with is your choice.

Wow. Your story had my back against the chair. I know one cannot judge a marriage for four paragraphs, but the fact that she would do that at your lowest point, expect you to suck it up, damage the children, see you in therapy for seven years, and not spend a moment in professional help is deeply concerning.

I’m glad you’re happier. Maybe you can fill us in on why. I expect there is more to the story.

I think I need to clarify something. I see a lot of folks concerned that I’ve been in therapy for seven years. Just so we are all on the same page, I haven’t spoken about my W’s A for years. I go three or four times a year to calibrate my thoughts. We talk about work, kids, relationships (including the one with my W, but we don’t really go into the past too much. Mostly about the now and near future). Honestly, it’s something I chose to keep giving myself because I saw the value.
My W is from a home with much older parents in a rural community. Therapy was never really a thing in their lives, except as a sign of weakness. My folks were big on therapy. They kept trying to get me to go, but as a teen, I refused. We did couple’s therapy about 6-7 months post dday. It wasn’t very good because the therapist wasn’t super engaged. We only went four or five times before deciding together it wasn’t doing it for us. My W has done work through reading books (ACT with Love by Russ Harris was a big one for her), being less defensive and more open, hearing and valuing me as a partner. I’m sure doing individual therapy would have helped her pull her head out of her ass sooner, but she has done enough work it get it out.
I’m glad we are where we are, but I hate the road that took us here. I no longer feel much of a need to look at the road, but I sometimes do inadvertently, especially this time of year, with the anniversary of dday and A season quickly approaching.