SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I'm very new here and have not yet confirmed that my Wife is cheating on me.

The small amount of evidence I have feels irrational but I have this very strong gut instinct that I just can't shake. I'm also feeling guilt from having to work behind the scenes to set the trap with devices and obtain codes to unlock her phone. This is just not where I want my energy going. I really just want to feel safe in the marriage and work to provide for my family.

Are there tips out there of how to manage the anxiety that comes from this gut instinct? Are there at least happy outcomes to people out there that never found their partner cheating but they felt a similar gut feeling?

Last night I shared with her that I'm not accusing her but also just can't help but feel like something is wrong. She re-assured me last night and this morning before she left for work with a hug. 'I'm all yours and I'm the last person you need to worry about'. Honestly that re-assurance has allowed me to focus on work today, which is great, but in the back of my mind it feels naive to believe that 100%. Again, this gut feeling is just 'there'.

Thank you for listening.

Don't let her know what you know, or she will take it further underground.

With Your family and lifestyle at stake it's good to be alert, eyes ears open mouth shut.

Yes possibly it's nothing and possibly your W thinks it's nothing, but many spouses drift into an affair without ill intent.

What is your evidence at present?

Welcome to SI. Sorry you had to find us.

Would you care to share the signals that your gut is picking up on?

Again, some of it feels irrational so you'll have to take that into consideration as I certainly do. Also I apologize if this is TMI for anyone. Since I'm new please do let me know what I should edit out or abbreviate.

Earlier this month she took a pregnancy test and is pregnant. We had sex only once during any sort of window and a certain method was used. I'm also 49. Everything works and I know it only takes once but still. During that same window that she could have gotten pregnant she was away for 2 nights at a conference with new co-workers. She's an attorney and started a new job in April. So all of that is not really evidence but enough to make me pause.

Immediately after finding out that she was pregnant she took a walk to clear her head (which is unlike her). I don't have access to her phone to verify if she called anyone.

Two days after she found out she was pregnant there was a strong smell in our bathroom in the evening after she came home from work. I know it sounds weird but I 100% believe it smelled like semen. That entire night and the next morning she was in an odd giggling mood.

All of that stacks up enough to give me this gut feeling, like I'd be stupid to not see these red flags.

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Immediately after finding out that she was pregnant she took a walk to clear her head (which is unlike her). I don't have access to her phone to verify if she called anyone.

Two days after she found out she was pregnant there was a strong smell in our bathroom in the evening after she came home from work. I know it sounds weird but I 100% believe it smelled like semen. That entire night and the next morning she was in an odd giggling mood.

Regarding the walk - that was an opportunity to discuss how she feels about becoming a mother and her age is?

You're 49 - if she is near you in age - could that be an issue for her? ARE YOU ready to raise a child from birth to College age? 49+21=70 - you can be retired at that age.

TWO days later you smell "male" - stuff - and I suspect you know it wasn't yours (if indeed your nose is correct) -

Check out "Checkmate" seman detection kit and also "sending sample to a proper lab" for analysis.

Consider some "spy-grade" voice recorders - one in her car (appropriately hidden) and another in house where she likes to chate over phone?

Can you see her phone bill? Consider is SHE IS cheating - she may have obtained a pre-paid phone for communications.

some info about family? Kids? how long married? own home? your job and hers in comparison (earnings)

Any "flakey" issues in previous years?

WHATEVER YOU DO - keep quiet about your worries and IF you find facts - keep to yourself until you have THE PLAN to move forward.

So far what you have posted is worrisome but not enough to prove anything - other than she is pregnant.

Food for thought: Is she for or against abortion? (refer back to discussing being parents)

Do you have history with her relating to nefarious activities? Is her demeanor changed or are you succumbing to the 'red flags' you have noted in your post.

Post your thoughts and ask about others experience and how anything you do may affect you and your wife.

I hope you are wrong about your suspicions - but you must find a way to verify.

Girls nights out? "Work activities" (other than the 2 day travel?)

How long has this 'feeling' been with you?

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 11:28 PM, Thursday, June 13th]

I would be very suspicious with those facts as well. You are not going crazy, if it helps to tell you that.
The phone is going to be your #1 target. Other than that, getting into her desktop/laptop computer is applicable, email accounts you can access?
VAR hidden in the car has worked beautifully for many people. Read through the investigative forum.
If finances are good, hiring a PI usually results in fantastic evidence.

The pregnancy is kinda a big deal. What has she been saying to you about it?

My gut was screaming at me for quite some time before my Dday. I didn't listen to it. After all, I wasn't a cheater, so why would my W be? Classic projection on my part.

They've done research into intuition and it is surprisingly accurate. Chances are there are some other subconscious cues you aren't even aware you are picking up. Be silent and cautious.

If she is cheating, My guess is that she went for a walk to talk to AP about their next move. There is a strong possibility that she will suddenly become not pregnant and then move on. If she is cheating, then she knows you will do a DNA test after birth, so her game (if she's cheating) will most likely be up.

I'm sure Bigger will show up and advise caution, which is his thing, as he is very level headed. He will certainly give you better advice than I can, so listen to his words.

Based on what you've written, I'd put my chips of infidelity, but hey, I'm a bs on an infidelity site. I've been through too much shit to think the best of people.

The bright side, if there is one, is that you foundctgis place. It is a gold mine of experience purchased with trauma and misery.

Thank you all so much. So far the Tactical Primer has been the best resource/read on here to help me feel equipped for what *could* unfold.

She is 7 years younger than I am and honestly I've never had an iota of suspicious or doubt about her faithfulness in the past but, (and this is getting into more relationship counseling territory than infidelity), we've had a long history of a power imbalance in the relationship where she doesn't really 'give' much or give in the way I need to feel like the relationship is healthy. Again, that's more counseling related and we are going to be attending counseling soon.

In the last week our intimacy has increased and I honestly find that to be another red flag.

We've been married for 5 years, together for 9. We currently have a 2 year old son with special needs. We both have demanding careers and would be considered average/high average in income.

Check out "Checkmate" seman detection kit and also "sending sample to a proper lab" for analysis.

I'm appreciative of this tip. If there was semen in the toilet on that day it would definitely not have been mine since we had not had sex for multiple weeks. I'll see if having the kit handy will help me collect samples if she ever makes the mistake to leave evidence like that. It's just one of those things where you definitely know that smell and I definitely know when it's a different smell than my own. Can't prove anything and it was flushed immediately. Just contributes to my paranoia honestly.

The pregnancy is kinda a big deal. What has she been saying to you about it?

I mean she's making every indication that this is 0% anyone else's. She shares with me when she's sore, starting to get cravings for Indian food, and asked that I be there for the first prenatal appt. The pregnancy is very new (6 weeks).

I honestly would not know what my intentions are if I were to find out that she is pregnant with someone else's child. Like there's a block in me from even imagining it. I suppose because that would just be a separate/deeper level of betrayal that I'm refusing to consider. My plan is to do what I can in the next 3 mos to prove/disapprove infidelity and will be getting a DNA test either way.

Very sorry you find yourself here:

Your first posts presents a quandary: we often see a BS’s gut instincts prove to be correct. This is to be expected. You know your partner, her moods, routines, and normal behavior. You know when things feel "off." So I would never second guess your gut instincts. Although, here your suspicions are quit open to innocent explanation. No telltale text or phone records. But you are obviously suffering anxiety due to your suspicions. If it were me I would retain a PI rather than continue to have my doubts eat away at me. Secondarily, you might consider installing a VAR in her car, or other area she might make private calls. Do you have access to phone records. What I am advising is to take action rather than to sit and wonder. You may find no infidelity. Great. But if you do, you will receive good support here. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:57 AM, Friday, June 14th]

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[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 3:50 PM, Friday, June 14th]

Soaring Penguin wrote: "...Again, that is more related to counseling and we will be attending that soon..."

I still wouldn't go to MC (marriage counseling). Maybe IC (individual counseling) for you.
Many MCs focus on sweeping the rug, distributing or minimizing the blame for infidelity.
If it affects your concentration, sleep and other aspects, consult your primary care doctor, who could prescribe anxiolytics.

Apart from the signs, have you noticed changes in his behavior, his habits, how he dresses, he grooms himself more than before, he hides his phone, he is more distant with you, you argue
more, etc...?

Well I wouldn't doubt-The "miracle" of the birth of Jesus from the VIRGIN Mary is really impossibleto repeat.

Are you in a position where you'd be able to hire a Private Investigator?

You have enough to be suspicious but not really a lot of data overall.

I question the semen smell. How much semen would it take to just be able to smell it walking into a room? I cant see how that would work. If it came from her she would have rinsed or flushed it and no smell would linger? What am I missing?

Why cant you see the phone data? Dont you have access to the cell phone bill? Or was it a work phone?

I have been around for some time...
I think situations like this are the ones this site sucks the most at. Probably because to become a "member" here you really need to have experienced infidelity – not only suspected infidelity. Therefore we all see cheating in everything and anything the suspect spouse does or does not do. As someone aptly said once: hammers see everything as nails, and the solution is to hit them hard.

I’m a former cop. As a trained investigator I was taught about the limitations of the gut. The gut is what makes an officer stop young African-American males if their vehicle looks expensive or at the wrong side of the tracks. The reliance of the "gut" is what helped Ted Bundy for years – everybody trusted a nice young man. Yet the gut is also what makes you super-aware entering that dark warehouse with the open door in the middle of the night... The gut has a place, only don’t really use it to build anything definite on.

My two cents?
Don’t investigate to find infidelity. Investigate to find the truth. That truth could be that your wife has a dozen lovers. That truth could be she has none.

Things like strange smells that might be dried out semen or walks alone after getting life-altering info... I don’t put value on that. Could be, but could also be some discharge due to the pregnancy.
What I encourage you to do is sensible research and use that research to reach a logical conclusion rather than adjust it to fit a foregone conclusion.

Things like:
If you have access to her online phone-bills, expense reports, credit card transactions, bank-statements... Look for abnormalities. Look for ATM withdrawals from unusual places that you don’t have a reason to frequent. Look for charges for lunch or coffee at places conveniently distant from her office or home (if she is cheating, they will place some distance from where they might be seen).
If she is having an affair they need to communicate. It’s highly unlikely that will be at the office or the home or any place there is a chance of being caught or overheard. A strategically placed Voice Activated Recorder in her vehicle for a couple of days might catch their morning call. Or not.
Activate location services on her mobile.
Place an older smartphone in her car and have a sports tracker app running, tracing where she is, or activate location services on that phone.

Remember – if none of the above show anything then maybe it really is because there is nothing to be shown.

My last child is my old age, infertility, and BC fail (we used foam). My husband and I also had sex literally once in like 2 or 3 months. It happens.

Why not just ask for a NIPP? (Non-evasive prenatal paternity tests) The first OB appointment, your wife is likely going to need to have her blood drawn anyway for other tests. They can be done as early as 7 weeks. This way, you aren't spending your precious time on something that may or may not exist.

I do think you have to be careful. Some of her behaviors could be caused by being newly pregnant. I generally don't behave the same when I'm pregnant vs not; and my behaviors for each of the kids was different.

That said...

I had dreams nearly weekly for a year that my husband was cheating on me. I was close, when I discovered. We also were down to 0 communication (like, grunting at each other for a minute or so a day). Like, I remarked to a coworker that I was shocked we went on vacation and actually had short conversations.

And, the only way to "prove" his behavior was for me to quit my job and follow him around 24/7. Since I'm the primary breadwinner, that's not really advisable.

If she's cheating, she'll mess up eventually. No one can hide it forever.

Rather than focus on your wife, I'd focus on you. Your ducks are all in a row? You've talked to lawyers? You are focusing on yourself and your self-care?

I’m a former cop. As a trained investigator I was taught about the limitations of the gut. The gut is what makes an officer stop young African-American males if their vehicle looks expensive or at the wrong side of the tracks. The reliance of the "gut" is what helped Ted Bundy for years – everybody trusted a nice young man. Yet the gut is also what makes you super-aware entering that dark warehouse with the open door in the middle of the night... The gut has a place, only don’t really use it to build anything definite on.

Mad respect for this.

I think after d-day, once a person has been proved a liar and can’t be trusted, a betrayed person needs to listen to their gut both because you KNOW that nefarious activity is afoot and the other person can’t be trusted. To be in their presence even remotely safely, you need to trust yourself over them.

But before a proven betrayal, I fully agree with Bigger. You’ve gotta think horse, not zebra, that is until you see the stripes.

The problem is most of us have been betrayed and have the stripes burned into our vision, especially when we are hanging out at this gin joint.

I’d say continue to observe. Investigate in ways that don’t constitute a betrayal in themselves. I think any intimate partner should be able to see their partner’s phone content. And while it may take a while, you will have an opportunity to DNA test the baby at some point. Maybe even make a comment about an at home ancestry test for your family to your wife and see how she reacts.

See, I told you Bigger was smarter than me!

Though I might disagree with the profiling analogy. I think its about your subconscious recognizing subtle departures from normal behaviours in a familiar partner, and not reacting to a stereotype with a stranger. But that's just how I see it.

Totally agree with Bigger's advice on looking for the truth rather than confirmation bias. Solid.

Umm not to be rude..

But how would you know what another man's semen smells like..also having been inside her, mixed with her "secretions"?

Genuinely curious.

soaringpenguin

When wife went for walk - did she take her phone?

A good thing about you posting your worry here is that you will get people from all "sides" of the compass regarding how to interpret someone's behavior. And also how YOU interpret same.

Suggest you inventory her $$$ activities. Vehicle? Milage driven? Gas charges? (where/how much)

For all the questions made by posters, make a list (suggestion) and keep a journal on what you find.

What you have posted is not positive evidence. Beware of making a conclusion of anything she does biased by your suspicion.

Make note of her demeanor/time doing what? both with and not with you.

A bit of suspicious bias on my part - you and wife are seven years apart. Consider that she is thinking into the future and is concerned about you and your health. Also, have you two being doing "family" activities? Vacations/get-togethers with friends and your families?

I am also wondering why you suspect her fidelity - based on what you have posted - The activities don't quite make up 'enough' to really point to her not being faithful.

Your sense (gut feeling) is something is off with her. Perhaps worried about whether or not child-to-be will be healthy?

How will your family life and her work (career?) be impacted by another child?

Living and dealing with a pregnant wife is always a challenge and then the time after newborn is a major challenge as family routines drastically change. Maybe that is bothering her?

You post:

Earlier this month she took a pregnancy test and is pregnant. We had sex only once during any sort of window and a certain method was used. I'm also 49. Everything works and I know it only takes once but still. During that same window that she could have gotten pregnant she was away for 2 nights at a conference with new co-workers. She's an attorney and started a new job in April. So all of that is not really evidence but enough to make me pause.

The implications are that her getting pregnant was unplanned. Being an attorney is a career. How will her pregnancy affect that?

Do you visit her workplace? Met co-workers/other lawyer and office personnel? Quite often co-workers observe when two people are starting to wander into each others private space and office gossip ensues. You visit and co-workers will be uneasy with you if they suspect her misbehaving.

I hope your suspicions are incorrect - but your mind will not be in peace until you logically convince yourself of her adherence to your marriage vows.

one more thing - consider change to your profile and enable "Private Messages" - some folks find talking to someone one-on-one cathartic and more helpful than "public" post - even though this site is anonymous, some folks are reluctant to post some info in the forum

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 2:29 PM, Saturday, June 15th]