SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I am 2 and 1/2 months out from D-Day on July 3rd. He's British, I'm American so my independence day came a day early this year. I try to make light of the situation but is is actually heart-wrenching.

My (30F) STBXH (39M) and I had been together over 10 years, married 6 years. We had just closed on our dream house. Not like it was some mansion or anything, but it was perfect for us and ticked all our boxes. He started acting weird in June. He was leaning into me thinking my mental health was bad and that's why I was so up and down that entire month. Turned out it wasn't my mental health but the evident zipper issue with all of his pants. I felt so crazy, and sad. Such a deep sadness.

I finally looked at his phone one morning while he was still asleep. He woke up and pulled me down, wrestling the phone from me but I saw enough. And the fact he was willing to drag me down to the ground to get his phone back was heartbreaking in and of itself. I was shattered.

I went to stay with my sister. Did the back and forth thing for a few weeks then I realized he was putting little to no effort in, instead he was burying his head in the sand in the home I fell in love with and spent hours furnishing. I didn't get to sleep a single night in that home. My dream house. While trying to reconcile, we had come back from a date and he had gone to sleep. I felt...uneasy and looked through his phone again. He made it harder to find but was still messaging her. This woman has kids and a partner of her own, knew he was married, still decided a married man would fill the gaping hole she has. And it sounds like he did, or tried.

I told him to leave that night. He groveled and kept pacing back and forth trying to figure out the "cheat" code for just the right words strung together to make me believe him or stay. I told him to leave again. The next morning was a doctor's appointment for me that was important and had been scheduled in advance that he was to take me to. I asked him to do me that favor still.

He took me and he was crying on and off in my doctor's appointment, like inconsolably so. He kept trying to touch me, touched my hand and was crying while holding it. Would go back out to the car to sob, come back in, ad nauseam. He could hardly look me in the eye. He didn't want the appointment to end (and if I'm honest, I didn't either) because we knew this was the last us together and then it would break off into two separate lives.

We went back home before he was due to leave again and gave a final goodbye. Again, he was sobbing uncontrollably, almost in hysterics. He told me he always thought he was born to love me because it was the one thing he was good at, like how some people are natural born athletes or artists. And he was, he was the picture perfect husband, until he wasn't.

There seem to be other things going on with him as well. He's obsessed with his youth currently, says he doesn't know who he is and he is scared of the person he may become because he liked who he was. He said he felt detached from all emotions and himself, almost like out of body. He disclosed to me he has abused some prescribed pain pills by taking more than he should then when he ran out he took old pain pills he had from a previous procedure. Found out he suddenly started buying alcohol which he didn't really drink before and he was getting random types because he said he didn't know the best type of alcohol to drink. He has been driving reckless and almost endangering himself (and at a time me) by his driving. He has done a complete 180.

I have been living with family to get on my feet financially and had blocked him everywhere except the occasional message regarding the divorce process, etc. I had to unblock him again this weekend to sort out some details. Of course, he waited exactly 24hours to the minute to respond, when I know he is currently on PTO with his mom so...very indifferent and unbothered of him, for sure. Then he responded vaguely that he will get back to me with a proper reply when he looks at finances, as if he doesn't know what he gets paid or what's in his bank or his outgoings. He has been unresponsive since, like a typical avoidant or just wanting to control the situation when I stripped all of his control previously by blocking him and leaving. I think he's grasping at whatever control or manipulation he can have now.

Anyways, life is hard. I'm surviving but some days it feels like barely? Other days I feel mighty and can take on the world. It is all so disorienting how someone can change so drastically. His parents both cheated on each other so it probably runs in the family. Blood type: F***Around positive

I am really sorry you are going through this. I am sure more people will be along to weigh in soon.

I am divorced and have not seen willingly seen exwh other than when forced by the divorce court or by random chance in town in over 5 years.
That said I often think that other posters and I were married to the same man.

As an example

"And the fact he was willing to drag me down to the ground to get his phone back was heartbreaking in and of itself. I was shattered."

I am so sorry this happened. When it happened to me I was stunned. And the stunning ugly surprises just kept coming.

I tell betrayeds to take exquisite care of themselves and their children if there are any. Eat healthy food, exercise, spiritually, emotionally.

Sadly exwh came from a cheater positive family too.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are helpful for newbies. Also, check out the ones that have bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has lots of information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If you're having trouble sleeping or with depression, ask your doctor for some meds to help you through. Also, you should be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some dangerous ones out there that can turn into cancer. If you're having trouble eating, try to drink energy drinks.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) is helpful. I don't know if you have access to one, but a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, so be sure to practice lots of self-care. The emotional rollercoaster can pick you up at any time and spin you around, and that is normal.

Hey BurnedBridges!!

Welcome! I have to say, I love how you took the situation by the balls and took care of business! You did not allow yourself to get manipulated and you did not succumb to his love-bombing. You are one strong lady and that is how I know you are going to be just fine....eventually.

Infidelity SUCKS. You have to mourn the loss of the future you were planning along with the person you were planning to spend it with. I experienced the various stages of grief and not in any particular order. Allow yourself to feel the feelings and give yourself grace.

I think you can consider yourself "healed" when you can finally internalize the fact that this had NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with your WH's "need" for external validation. He considered that "need" more important than his relationship with you. Shakira was cheated on. Gwen Stefani has been cheated on. Melinda Gates. Mackenzie Bezos. Jordyn Blum. Sandra Bullock. The Kardashians. Freaking Beyonce!! All cheated on. The most beautiful, richest and best among us have all been cheated on. Their WHs were total morons and so is your STBXH.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep posting. I can't wait to see where you are in a year.

He went from sobbing to almost indifference. Signs of a narcissist. Look after yourself by eating well, sleeping enough. If necessary you might talk to your dr about something for anxiety and situational depression and to help you sleep.

I am so sorry for you. I hope you have a good support team just for you. Including a professional counselor. Good attorney / solicitor if needed. Good doctor if needed too.

My two cents is your STBXH is having a midlife crisis affair. I am also wondering if he has an addiction to the pain medication he uses. My H started acting out of character (just like yours) and it turns out, midlife crisis affair w/ someone 20 years younger. He was so completely different than the person I knew I thought he was in drugs (which is not something he was ever involved in prior).

As hard as it is, you did the right thing by separating yourself from him immediately. You don’t need to watch someone who is supposed to be your H morph into someone or something else. That adds a whole other level of pain to the situation.

His silence or refusal to answer you may be nothing more than him trying to stall the process b/c he thinks he can stop you from D him. Or it may be he just wants to be a jerk and get back at you b/c he cannot be in control any longer.

You are a strong person. You just didn’t know how strong you need to be until infidelity hits. You don’t heal overnight unfortunately. But you have to remind yourself you are doing the best you can and that’s all you can do.

Keep posting here - you will get great advice and support. We can also predict the cheater’s behavior b/c they are a pretty typical bunch and nothing can surprise us here at SI.

Thank you all so much for your support. I had also thought it might be a midlife crisis he was going through but wasn't sure. My therapist thought the same.

He responded with details for next steps and was generous on the amount he will be repaying me back every month, which I declined and asked to be halved as I know his finances are tight with the mortgage we had on his sole income. I have requested less than half of what he was offering a month. As much as he hurt me, he's still a human and I don't want him unable to get food or pay his basic bills.

He was cordial and kind in his reply. This makes me feel like I must have been the issue the whole time, he's an okay guy not being horrible to me or manipulating me. So many of the WS seem to manipulate or have a history of it or a history of different types of abuse or infidelity. He didn't have any of that. Before all of this, he was genuinely the kindest person I knew. So surely it was me, right? I never nagged, was always very loving with him. But maybe I was the issue.

We also have 3 dogs and 2 rescue pigs. Because of the pigs area being set up at the new house, he kept them and I took our dogs. We both were crazy about our animals. We don't have kids so they received all that love instead. I don't want to keep his pups away from him and I miss seeing my pigs so much. I miss them every day. I was hoping we could reach some sort of visitation agreement so that we would each get time with the animals that the other has but I was hoping to figure out a way to do this with no interaction between us. Maybe that is an impossible ask.

[This message edited by BurnedBridgeS at 7:32 PM, Wednesday, September 18th]

As a betrayed husband.

So surely it was me, right? I never nagged, was always very loving with him. But maybe I was the issue.

Nope! Not a chance. We all question this but we were never the issue. We were only the excuse or justification….

If I could see you in person I would — just to tell you that an Affair is not, was not, nor will never be your fault. And make sure you believe it too 🤪!

That’s like saying my spouse eats too much because I’m a good cook. No! A person CHOOSES to cheat - because they justify that "they deserve to be happy" and "my spouse doesn’t love me" blah blah blah.

The lies the cheaters tell themselves and the blame they cast on anyone and everyone is typical cheater behavior.

I know I was a really good wife. My H’s friends would tell him they wish their wife was as easy going as I was. My H traveled very often for his job. I never complained. Not once.

Yet he had the audacity to tell me I never loved him and married him for other reasons. 🙄🤪. Well it wasn’t his $ b/c he didn’t have any lol.

Do. Not. Allow. Yourself. To. Take. Any. Blame. For. The. Affair.

No one "has" to cheat. It’s a choice. Period.

If he was unhappy - talk to your spouse or go to counseling or do something!!! Anything!!! But not cheating or making choices to hurt the marriage.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:23 PM, Wednesday, September 18th]