SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So our time apart has begun - we sat down with the kids and gave an overview of

- WS being away to look after her mum and lead up to LNY etc etc
- Me being away in 2 weeks time to look after my sister who is about to have major surgery

They still think its about this convenience thing - not realizing we aren't actually communicating

Today was the first time in 6,000 days we haven't spoken - hearing her talking to speaker to my kids this evening was so rough

I had good things that happened at work, and it hit me like a truck that I couldnt message her and tell her

I had to do wacky things today on leaving my kids at my office for almost 2 hours as I went to a meeting at a clients location
(it's school break here) - and hitting me that I have to drag them into these situations a lot over the next couple of weeks.

My BiL is having a house warming this weekend, WS will pick up the kids but I already had plans.. not that I wanted to go.. (this is the BiL i like.. but its his best friend that was the AP... supposedly its just family at the event.. if i learn the AP is going.. f m)

WS doesn't want her family to know she is staying at her mum's for more than a few days... but this is going to come out

But my heart is racing and pounding and stabbing, my head pounding - i hate this - i hate this with every breath - I am going up and down between absolute crushing darkness and anger - and trying to hide it all away from my kids.

I honestly dont know how I am going to do this.... i dont know what will happen at the end of the month when kids return to school and start realising something real bad is going on...

I dont know ..

I dont know my own heart, i dont know what I really want, I feel crushed and alone and lost

It's been 7 months now since DDay.. 7 months of limbo and trying to hold on - and now this is really becoming real

WS is going this is not separation... this is just space time for her to really focus and work on herself..

But I can't help myself thinking that even with this - she wont put in enough - she wont know how to show via actions not just words - that I am expecting some miracle which is impossible to live up to... or will I cave towards the end of this, because I just cant stand the thought of not being together, for making our family into something else..

I am not asking for anything for any of you right now - just the ability to write and post where I feel safe

from the one who is crying so much on the inside... Frontier

I don’t know if this will mean anything to you and I’m not super sure of your total situation but I am proud of you. You are in pain and you are still breathing and writing and working and taking care of your kids. Sometimes people don’t understand how hard it just to do one of those things while suffering this kind of betrayal. Sending hugs.

I’m sorry for your pain.

When the cheater has you hanging on by a thread - that’s what is called living in limbo. And to me, living in limbo is like living in hell.

Just getting up out of bed and getting dressed can be a monumental challenge.

I hope you have considered getting professional counseling. It can help you during this time. It helped me tremendously.

Keep posting here. You will get support and advice from people who have been in your shoes.

You didn't make your family into something else. You can NOT reconcile alone. Unfortunately, one partner can force decisions on the entire family. And there is no way round it. I’m so very sorry for your pain.

Words matter. You can use transgression or entanglement to obfuscate the destructive, painful, selfish, entitled, act of infidelity. Choosing words that mitigate responsibility does not change the experience one bit, unless it is to put yet another knife in the back of the BS.

Taking time apart is a separation. Maybe, temporary separation. But that’s what it is. Maybe not the hill to die on but believe what your mind and gut are telling you.

The new normal you are facing is incredibly challenging and painful. ((((((()))))))) I don’t know if that still done here. But in the olden days.. it was a virtual hug.

No matter what the future holds for the family unit, the kids have a great parent in you.

You don’t have to know what you want right now, maybe the ‘space’ will help you sort out your own thoughts without WS agenda, feelings etc..

As you navigate a new level of the rollercoaster, we are all here. Give yourself time to adjust, ask for help from friends and family and do not hold yourself to some impossible standard.

Sending my best.

Separation can be almost like going cold turkey detox off of a drug. It’ll be hard at first, but you will reach a clarity that you probably cannot achieve while still having to look at the person who caused all this every day.

Thanks for all the kind words.

Today is day 3, and obviously this isn't getting any easier

The wins for me - to make sure I look at them
- 2 days in a row doing light weight training (I had dropped it for the past couple months)
- Today I walked 7KMS before I even started my day
- The kids and I are getting thru more of the de-cluttering the house [its still a bomb, but progress is happening]
- Great feedback from a number of areas for me at work (even though I swear I am only working at 70% capacity)
- Kids loving the food I am cooking (Butter chicken, butterfly lamb roasts etc)

The not so greats

- I think my son sub-consciously is aware of something, he has been getting more and more upset with WS for awhile
(he also just turned 13... so teen). I have sat with him to try and unpack feelings etc, he did come out with the fact
that he feels like he can talk to me / relate to me / feels like I understand him more.
- All contact atm is via my son's mobile - and he as a result of the above isn't really responding much
- WS hasn't actually been calling, she MESSAGES... but doesn't then go hey I should call them (having said that.. thats sort of normal.. she really hates talking on phone), I have been reminding the kids to call her to talk to her
- On the weekend will be the first time I see her, say anything to her, when she gets the kids to take to the party, and then to her mum's for a few days - I have NO IDEA on what to say, do, act or anything - i really have no idea how I will handle it
- I am mostly living in cold-long anger style atm - like really angry, but that ice anger - i don't like it

- I am trying to think about what the hell I do when I go to my sisters, and live on own there for a week (she will be at my mum's to recover from surgery) - thats a LOT of alone time that I am not used to having (also wont have my hobby stuff, you know PS5, my streaming stuff, or even board games - and its so far from all my friends etc, (and its peak season down there cause its Summer and its a beachy location) - so yep can get to beach at least during morning - but nights etc are going to be a lot.

- Some of the time WS nominated to have the kids, now overlaps some major workshops i have in the city its over a 2 hour trip to get to that location from my sisters (via car) - or even like 3-4 h with public transport. I have literally no idea right now where I can stay those nights and still make this work for me

Other items
- Work provides a new EAP service with 25 sessions a year per person - I have my first session on Monday face to face but had some phone sessions with someone else prior - I prob still need to find an ongoing IC but using some professional services in the mean time

Well, a week at a beachy spot is a vacation for me. I love listening to the waves.

Are there any brew pubs or wineries nearby? Go and try to enjoy your time there. The town/city probably has some interesting sites, go visit even if you think it might be boring - it may surprise you.

Search social media to see if there's something interesting or unusual going on where you may want to participate.

My last beach vacation was at a wonderful spot. The lounge had a performer who had some cognitive impairment. He was looking for anyone to join in, so I took the percussion items he had (percussion eggs) and we did a couple of songs.

Your kids probably do know something is wrong. Please share with them in an age-appropriate manner what is going on. My kids were adults, but I should have left XWH sooner.

It's been a week now, its def not getting easier, I am riding the rollercoaster between angry and crushing sadness.

We saw each other briefly yesterday for the kids transfer, I must admit I stood there - and we hesitantly hugged, with silent tears and then she went back to her mum's.

Last night my daughter was in my bed, and at 4am woke up vomitting all over me, the bed and everything, messaged her to inform her, and as a result she has been reaching out a lot to her today, texting me as well to check in with her, and its been hard to go from no contact to a rush of stuff - even though its for a good reason.

Tomorrow will be a test, her brother and his partner and kids are comign to our house for dinner and help me put up some shelves. (the same brother who's BF was the AP) - they dont know anything, they dont know that WS isn't here atm - its going to create questions which I will need to stick to narrative and try to be strong.

Friday is when I head down to my sisters house, to sleep in my nephews room for the next week - its going to be so weird, so hard, so lonely

Well, a week at a beachy spot is a vacation for me. I love listening to the waves.

Are there any brew pubs or wineries nearby? Go and try to enjoy your time there. The town/city probably has some interesting sites, go visit even if you think it might be boring - it may surprise you.

It's a suburb of our city - just a sort of distant one, and it's stupidly busy at this time of year whilst school / summer holidays are on - filled with tonnes of 18/19 year old drinking / partying etc people - the queue for the local coffee shop is always 50 + people deep. So its not the sort of relaxing spot it normally is. Whilst I am def going to appreciate getting to the water etc - there really isnt that much things to do / get (even Uber Eats is a struggle down there etc)

I also need to focus on where I am living at end of the month for several days - i hate the fact that I am going to have to look at a hotel or Air BnB for several days to be able continue working, just to enable WS who has time off to spend time with kids on their first days of school for our school year.

Anyways, I am up, down, sideways, you name it

My core goals right now is---

1) I still have no clarity on what the timeline is / check-in is for this 'temporary space' [looks like I will need to define this..]
2) I still need to finish off working out what my expectations / requirements are for me to accept an end to this 'temporary space'
3) I need to accept that whilst WS thinks this is just temporary space.. actions are required and if not met .. then path is going towards separation and all the **** that involves