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I have tried really hard to conceal my WS affair from my two daughters. He is a wonderful father and they adore him. And although he broke my heart, I did not want to ruin his relationship with them. However, it has been hard to hide things from them as they are naturally nosey and also, I spent a ton of time crying since I found out in May. Since I'm a natural crier, I have been able to explain away most of it. My mother, however, wanted us to tell them because she didn't want them to think I was the problem, that he should have to take some of the heat too. However, my IC and I both wanted to keep this from them to protect them.

Well, that exploded in my face last week when I found the recent texts between my WS and AP. We were all together in the car, out of town for Christmas, and I just lost it. I tried to hold onto my anger until we got away from the girls but I could not. I started yelling at him that he was talking to "her" again and that this time I was done. He managed to pull over by the beach and we got out of the car to further discuss away from the kids. Meanwhile, they are crying and calling my mom for support. My youngest (12) said, "I didn't know he was that kind of man." My oldest (16) ended up getting out of the car, putting my sobbing ass in the car, and chewing her father out for a good ten minutes, telling him he better fix this.

Now as far as I can tell, they think he was just talking to another woman. We did not give details and they didn't ask. In fact, since that incident, they haven't said anything about it. The only time it came up was a few days ago when my older daughter and were shopping for a formal dress and she worried that her dad would be mad if it was too much money. And then she said, well he can't because he's done worse.

Now I know this is not my fault. He's the one who chose to risk our family again and again. I wish I had not had that outburst in front of them so that is my fault. My youngest is already in therapy for her ADHD so she has someone professional to speak to and now I have scheduled my oldest for therapy as well. We might as all be in therapy.

I guess my question is... have I ruined their lives by letting them find out about this? What else can I do to protect them?

Hi AdLarue17, I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I’m following closely because I am telling my sons (aged 22 & 24) tomorrow.
I found out about my H’s affair 2 months ago. I have tried my absolute hardest and put on a brave for all that time but enough is enough. I can’t do it any longer and I refuse to live his lie.
Now that Christmas and New Year are done, I am sitting them down tomorrow to tell them.
I know my sons are a lot older than your children and adults but I know they are going to be totally devastated when they find out.
But I feel my H needs exposure and to take ownership of what he’s been doing for 21 years.
And I also feel that my sons have a right to know what he’s been doing.
I would be very interested to hear what other people further down the road than us can offer for advice.
Thinking of you and please don’t give yourself a hard time for them finding out. This situation hasn’t been caused by you.

Hi and so sorry to hear that you and your girls are going through this. I have an 18 year old and 21 year old, and they are the ones who uncovered DD#2 at the end of December. They are disgusted, angry, and every other emotion they could have about their dad, and they have not spoken to him since.

No one but you can decide what the best thing for you and your kids will be, but I'll offer a couple of thoughts.

One is that while my kids are older than yours, they are still "kids." And they have said to me that they feel like their entire childhood was a lie. That makes me wonder whether sharing with your girls now - even though that will be painful - it could spare them the pain of finding out later in life and having the same sense of betrayal my kinds have about their entire childhood. Something to consider, anyway.

The other is that I was surprised when this all came out to learn that my kids had mostly figured out what had happened with DD#1. That was years ago, when they were 6 and 9, and for a variety of reasons I thought they'd never be the wiser. The affair was brief, and we moved cross country away from AP when the affair was uncovered. They were little kids when that happened, so when they told me last week that they've always more or less known what had happened - and who it happened with - I was stunned. Point being, kids are observant and probably more than we give them credit for at times. Your girls already know part of the story, so will it be less painful for them to be blissfully unaware of the rest of the story, or for you to finish the story with facts (that you share in a factual and age-appropriate way)?

I have a new appreciation for how much collateral damage affairs can cause, and it's awful that your kids and my kids and so many others' kids get caught in the grown ups' problems. You sound like you're doing amazing job of supporting your girls and doing all you can to navigate a difficult situation with grace.

I chose not to tell my kids -- my call. They were adults by the time my wife confessed her A.

I think I didn't want them to think they ever needed to take a side against their other parent.

That said, growing up, my Mom divorced twice, married a third time by the time I was 13.

First divorce was due to infidelity by my biological father, second guy was just a sociopath, third time was the charm for my Mom.

I turned out fine.

Kids know, even when we think they don't, I'll bet they sensed your distress early on.

Divorce was pretty regular as I was growing up and kids talk about that stuff in schools.

You haven't ruined anything!

Now you have kids who will understand why you're in so much pain. And they'll be stronger (at times) than you think. They're micro humans, they will have good and bad days, just like you. They will also be resilient, just like you, regardless of the path you choose going forward.

Kids will make up stories - and believe them - about what's happening unless you tell them the truth. My FOO was like that, big time. We did not talk about bad things, but I could see them happening. It's a mindfuck to be told that nothing is wrong when you can see and feel that that's not true. And lest you think that you're doing well at hiding it from them, think again, especially if your kiddo is the intuitive type.

Based on my history and on our MC's advice, we decided to tell our kids (10 and 16) the truth about a year after DDay. Basic, age-appropriate truth. They obviously knew in real time that something happened, because we separated for a month, but they didn't know what. We thought that was the end of it.

Three years ago, a full 17 years after DDay, my H said the word "affairS" when he was talking to our eldest. We had never elaborated on the number of affairs, just that he had cheated. She assumed that it was one time, and she already held me in a wee bit of contempt for taking him back. When she found out it was three, she lost her shit. She was furious with him, but she seemed to be even more angry with me. It had been so long since we had told them, that neither of us remembered that we hadn't told them that it was more than one A. It took several weeks before she'd even talk to us. She's a black-and-white thinker and I'm not sure she'll ever fully understand why I didn't immediately leave him.

My youngest has experienced infidelity with her H - an EA. Knowing that we had gone through it and recovered, she felt comfortable coming to us for advice, and her H felt comfortable talking with my H. Had they not known, they might not have had solid mentors to help them.

Having experienced both reactions, I still come down on the side of telling kids age-appropriate truth, and allowing them to ask questions if they need to, though also maintaining boundaries about what's their business and what's not. The truth is usually less daunting that what they come up with on their own.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:58 PM, Wednesday, January 8th]

Please tell them. My parents did not tell me and I thought I was the problem, causing the fights, even though I was a good kid. Living with a cloud of doom over your house when you don't know what's going on is awful. Also, how can they trust you if you don't tell them the truth?

It doesn't have to be details, just something like "dad was with another woman, and you aren't supposed to do that when you're married because you make promises to each other."

As a thought exercise, replace cheating with physical violence and see if your perspective changes.

Dday #1 was your husband punching you while your kids weren't there. When they noticed your broken nose and your black eyes, you told them that you fell down the stairs. You figured it would never happen again so your kids didn't need to know the truth.

Dday #2 was your husband punching you in the face right in front of the kids. Now you can't lie to them about how you were injured because they saw it happen.

Would you say that your kids are distressed and angry at their father because you howled in pain and drew their attention to the fact that your husband punched you? Or is it because they witnessed their father commit an act of violence toward their mother?

As for how to protect your kids, just as in abusive situation, you protect them by protecting yourself... and stop tolerating his behavior. That means there need to be consequences for his continued cheating (be it divorce or something else).

While you shouldn't unload on your daughters or give them all the gory details, you need to make it clear to your husband that your days of lying to your daughters to protect his image are over.

And lastly, while you've been so concerned about preserving his relationship with your daughters, have you considered how the pain, anxiety, and distress that his affair is causing you might be negatively impacting your relationship with them? How much time, energy, and emotional bandwidth has his affair cost you?

Don't be too hard on yourself for blowing up, you've done remarkably well to hold it in since May!

I also think children should be told. He may be a wonderful father, but he's also the same wonderful father who betrayed his children. Some STI's can be spread by kissing. If he's kissed the Kids goodnight, hello etc. He's put them at risk.

I was relatively transparent with my kids, age 1 and 3 when I found out. It is now 12 years out.
I told them vaguely that dad had relationships outside of marriage when they were very little.

One of my children asked me if I did, too. I was very shocked by that question and said No, probably with an obvious look of disgust on my face.

The kids aren’t close to their father as much as me, but he tends to be more dogmatic and judgey (irony of ironies). They have at times used this rarely in the usual teenage way, but I will always tell the truth.

When I found out, it decimated me. They knew. I lost 100 pounds from not eating and was a mess for several years.

It has been an exercise in teaching them improvement, both of us. And boundaries. And finding your own peace and digging in to make difficult relationships work.

There is always learning in pain, and that is what I try to emphasize.
I don’t excuse him at all, and I don’t assume his guilt and shame. Those are his burdens.

I frankly cannot imagine parenting my very difficult 16 yr old without him, though. I’m glad I kept him around, and he is making some growth. But this shit is still painful. It take the Emotional intelligence of an emotion genius to make this better. And the fact that he cheated made him an emotional idiot, so we started from a shit level.

It’s better. Better is not a destination, it is only a direction. And the path is at times like the Dread Pirate Roberts, where he did well today, he can go to bed, but I will most likely divorce him in the morning.

And the kids know. Openly. I talked about pain too, when we talked about this. I talked about picking yourself up and dusting yourself off and learning to cope without scorching the earth. It’s been reality, like a cancer, for them. We are in treatment and it is a chronic thing. Will never go away. But I’m still here.

We opted to tell our son shortly after DDay. He was 14 at the time, knew OW as she was a family "friend", got roped into babysitting her kids. It was a mess to untangle. I was an absolute basket case. Lost 40lbs overnight. Overnight everything was chaos. He absolutely hated his dad for awhile and felt the need to protect me. There are a lot of things during that time that I regret. We sat him down together. FWH admitted to the A. We were up front that we weren’t sure exactly what would happen, but that he would be taken care of. Overnight, our son’s hero suddenly became human.

I am glad that our son got to see my FWH grow into a better man. He also saw me struggle with forgiveness. They are much closer now, because FWH stepped up.

You absolutely have not ruined their lives. If anyone is to blame here, it was your WS. That being said, you stepping up for them with grace and vulnerability will teach them good lessons.

Hang in there.

Regarding:

I guess my question is... have I ruined their lives by letting them find out about this? What else can I do to protect them?

Protect from what? And for how long? Any thought to what they will think when they eventually realize you have been hiding life affecting information from them? You want them to live a lie?

FWIW - I found out about my "father" when I was *8* years old. The truth did not "ruin" my life.

FWIW #2: Ever heard of "shell shock" - WWI soldiers; some mentally disassembled due to artillery fire. Most didn't.

Same situation with kids whose family is affected by inappropriate fraternization by either/both of their parents.

Some kids won't be able to digest the direction their life is taking through no choice of their own.

Most will do fine after they learn the truth and see how their life will evolve.

Dear AdLarue17,

I generally don't prefer to reply or put a comment on posts since I don't want to ruin someones relationship or confused their minds. As a person who catched her dad cheated on her mom, I wanted to say couple of things about this post. I was also unfaithful to my BH 2 years ago but we are on reconciliation right now. So I wanted to express my feelings about this issue since I find myself close to what your daughters might feel.

I think you did a great job for sending both of your daughters to IC! I wish my parents did that as well back in time when I was 13 and found out my dads affair. I found it out while I was randomly looking at my phone. Back then, I was using my dads phone time to time since my parents didnt have the money to afford buy one. Anyway, I saw the messages then and got extremely angry about it. Told to my mom that my dad has an affair. I ripped off our family photo and always acted bad to my dad. Since it was my teenage years, I had a very traumatic times; burst of anger and sadness.. That's why I did so many mistakes. I wish my parents sent me to IC back in that time. Since I still have the effects; I don't have a very good relationship with my parents and my brother. I think talking to IC would be helpful to control those feelings back in time and I would be a better person now instead of angry. My mom and dad never ended their relationship. Although my dad told us that he is not seen his affair anymore, he did. I catched them again when I was 18. My brother and his family was in holiday back then and I saw that my dad and his affair getting out of their home. I was extremely angry and wanted to beat the woman. I called my mom and explain the situation, she was devasted and I was extremely angry that he was still being unfaithful to my mom but also doing this in my brother's house!! That's why I never had a nice childhood. That day, my dad told me that his affair is devasted since I treated badly to her.... I was like wtf ??!! .. Anyway, I'm 28 now, I live in another country than my parents so I dont see them quite often. I know that my mom is loving my dad still, but they are acting like a life partner. No sex or anything. Just living in the same house and sharing their days to each other. I believe that this will affect your daughters but luckly they dont know about the details so they wont be affected deeply. Never ever say that its your fault as well. This is your WHs fault. If he didn't cheated on you and still talk with AP, this situation would never be happened. You are a human being, you have feelings and you have a right to show them. Even this is a mistake in your eyes, please try not to see it as one.

Second is, I was being unfaithful to my BH as well 2.5 years ago. While I was going to IC back in that time, IC told me that I acted this way with the idea of being able to understand why my dad cheated on my mom. This is another reason that I wish my parents sent me to IC when I was 13. My BH and I are reconciling now. This is another topic I wanted to talk about. There shouldnt be any reason for your WH and AP still messaging, talking, seeing each other or whatever. If your WH wants to get back to you then he should be working on it! He should be explaining everything to you and try to comfort you at anytime! You shouldnt be left behind with your feelings. This is what I'm trying to do with my BH. I always try to comfort him, I show and say how much I love him and appreciate him.

Please think about all these. Hope this post will be helpful. I hope that your daughters will be better. I belive that you should be sharing about the situation with them - not overshare - so they can understand the situation and treated by IC accordingly. This was my biggest regret that I've not be able to overcome my dads affair and treated the same way to my loving BH.

[This message edited by MessageInABottle at 12:05 PM, Monday, February 10th]

I have never told my children that their mother had a long term EA. I think my son, aged 46, may know because my wife left letters to AP on our family computer and he was 15-16 when they had been saved to my wife’s file, and he was all over that machine. But he has never mentioned that and I have chosen not to bring it up. I also know that both kids noticed my distress because they told my wife that I was acting "weird" after Dday. She did not elect to out herself and instead let them think that I was stressed but would get over it when I got a job. (I had just retired from military.) I was too humiliated to tell anyone that my wife had an auxiliary partner cum ‘husband in waiting’ for most of our 22 year marriage. Still am. Besides the anonymous folks on this site, I have shared this fact with exactly one person, a very old and good friend. I would only share their mother’s betrayal with my children if it would benefit them and can’t see how exposing my wife’s EA would help them. I will take the hit about acting weird for a period of time in 1996 and let them see their mom as the honorable trustworthy person they think she is.

In your case, the cat is partially out of the bag. I do not blame you. I still erupt occasionally when triggered and it’s been a long time since my wife pursued her clandestine relationship. You are human and you are freshly hurt. But regardless of whether you coulda or shoulda stayed quiet, you didn’t. Now as a parent you need to deal with the facts on the table. So does your husband. You know that your kids are not going to erase this from their consciousness. They will be conjuring all kinds of scenarios. You need to protect them from their own imaginations. Give them the dignity of enough truth so they won’t be spinning their own wretched stories. I have no idea how to do this, so will end by wishing you well.