SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Agreed, I'm so glad I came across this place, it's been a massive help. Awful to know so many others have been through this and all the other stages but great that people can share experiences and feelings to help themselves and others.

Twitcher

I have this semi-Stoic way at looking at things...
If I’m out walking the dog and get caught in heavy and totally unexpected rain I don’t bother cursing the rain or bemoan getting wet. It’s raining – I didn’t cause it, couldn’t prevent it and can’t control it. I will get wet as long as I’m in the rain. I might look around me and seek shelter. I might look at the sky and evaluate if it’s a shower or an ongoing torrent. I might then decide to go under a tree that offers shelter from the rain. Or call someone to pick me up. Or... just bear the rain and walk home, knowing that while I walk it will rain, I will get wetter and wetter and that eventually I will get home – out of the rain – and dry off.

I don’t moan about it because that won’t change anything. I don’t run around trying to avoid raindrops because that doesn’t work. I don’t take the long path home because that only prolongs my misery. I don’t curse my dog, because he has no part in all this rain-stuff. I could maybe blame myself for ignoring the forecast, but that won’t make me any dryer.
Basically what is in the footer of all my posts: If I’m unhappy, it’s because I choose to be unhappy. Walking in pouring rain getting soaked won’t make me any happier, but I KNOW I’m heading out of the rain. I will dry off. I am NOT remaining in unhappiness.

I want you to treat your wife’s decision to remain in an affair like a downpour, and you are now working at getting out of it. Spending time moaning about it is you yelling at the clouds.

So it’s clear you are divorcing.
Start the process. No drama, no getting her served at work or anything like that. Your very first step is to create a little spreadsheet where you list all marital assets and debts, your assets and debts and whatever you think might be her assets/debt. This doesn’t need to be 100% accurate as-is. Google divorce in your country. What is the process, what is a likely outcome.
Don’t discuss this with her – no drama. This is only preparation.
Once you have a good picture then decide your plan. I seldom/never recommend do-it-yourself divorce unless your finances are very simple and clear. It’s always better to have someone in your corner that can at least check that all the formalities are there. For example: if you both cosigned for the car-lease of her vehicle, you want to make sure your name is off it and that the change has been approved by the relevant financial institution.

Once you know what lies ahead – even if there is still some confusion – then file. Suggest the path you think fits you best. If that’s more-or-less a do-it-yourself then that’s fine, if it’s mediation then fine. Only... make sure you have someone go over whatever settlement you reach before you sign.

Until then... Don’t bother being annoyed at her. She’s the fired employee, and her being late again next morning isn’t unexpected. Start separating your life from her. She went out this Friday – you go to the movies next weekend. You arrange some parenting schedule so you can go out. Even if it’s only to take an hours walk. Start living your separate life.
Make sure the issues holding you back are real issues...
Like the house... Is it really necessary that she live there? If you are divorcing, then offer her to move in with OM already. Put the house on sale, do all you can to expedite the sale and get that albatross off your neck. Only you don’t have to share time with her.

Don’t argue with her. Don’t take part in "if you had been more attentive then... " or whatever. Unless and until she tells you she wants this marriage... you simply assume and act as if it’s over. If she wants to reconcile – then and only then do you give that some thought.

Sorry I just need vent here!

Ww is openly seeing her ap while we still live together and wait for the house to sell. I'm over that part to be honest I just ask that she at least lets me know when she's meeting him etc as I'll be at home with our little boy.

Anyway I came home from work tonight and she's left something at his house she needs, again no problem.

However AP has been somewhere with his work today and brought my boy a gift back! Now this to me is out of order, why is my boy on his mind when he's out with work and why does he think it's acceptable to get something for him? They have never met, granted they will eventually buy Jesus are the pair of them that deluded that they can't see that is a step too far?

He's obviously trying to impress my ww but his work is done there she has already chosen him.

I feel like contacting him and asking him what he thinks he's doing! But I don't want to cause friction as me and the ww are managing to do things amicably here and I think I've been more than reasonable already.

Sorry as I just wanted to vent, I told her under no circumstances does she bring my boy anything from him. But I kept my cool thankfully.

I know this is upsetting. And wrong to boot.

But please say nothing.

The custody issue is hopefully something you can agree to amicably.

I am so sorry for you.

What's going on in ww's mind?

Still cohabiting, I'm in our room, she's in the spare room.

This morning while I was still in bed, awake but in bed. She got out of the shower, came in my room, dropped her towel, totally naked, stood about did some bits with her makeup. Put some knickers on, and tried on a couple of pairs of jeans, still totally topless and asked me what I thought to how the jeans fit!

The next hour were talking to a financial advisor and she's asking him if her AP can go on her new mortgage while I'm sat right next to her!

I later asked her about this and she thinks it's a good idea because AP is it renting right now. What about our son lol, she wants to take him into a new home with a new man!

How does her mind work?

She also wants to do I clothes try on and get me opinion on outfits for a night out with the girls!

I have no interest in R with her what so ever now.

But I just can figure out what's she's thinking sometimes!

She's already told me she's out for dinner with AP tomorrow and some of his family.

Sorry you are going through this. Don’t waste your time worrying about your WW’s frame of mind. In short, you have been discarded, and it appears like you were discarded long ago. You just didn’t know it. You shared that her AP split from his W two years ago to be with your WW. Which means that this A has been going on longer than two years. The red flags were there. You were excluded from things. Denied sex. Fed bits and pieces until she was ready to complete the discard. All you can do is go grey rock, do not engage, keep your eyes on your priorities in your D, custody, etc., and realize that none of this is your fault. Accept no blame shifting. Your M did not fail, your WW failed you. She is not the person you thought she was. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:35 PM, Saturday, February 1st]

Move her clothes and makeup to the guest room. She’s enjoying being desired by two men. It is cruel and a mind f*ck.
Set some boundaries - your room is yours and she is to knock and request access and you’ll do the same.

This is why we recommend IHS to be as short as possible. It’s really hard.

The upside, such as it is: She’s showing you again how little she is concerned with you or your child.
Believe her.

And so sorry she is being so unbelievably rude and selfish.

Selfish is definitely the word here. Just so blinkered and has no care for anything that she's doing. We put our life into this house.
She's getting out with my boy and a new man in a new house, no doubt some big flash place somewhere and I'll be scraping the pennies together to make things work for myself on my own.

It has obviously been one massive plan for a very long time. It makes me feel physically sick.

It's so hard to concentrate on myself, it just seems like a new dagger to the chest every day now.

I now the next one will be a baby for them both.

I think I really need some IC but just can't afford it, I have no one to vent too. I'm doing my best to hold things together.

The cruelty is mind-boggling. Keep posting. Vent away. The people here totally understand and get it. Sending strength. Never forget you are the prize.

Don't try to make sense of her thoughts because there's no sense to them. Senseless, nonsense, manipulative.

Sorry she's putting you through this.

Another day another drama....

I was making great progress as well.

My ww is away for the weekend, so it's just been me and the boy. I suggested we take our dog for a little walk and he asked if we could go the the place where mum meets "AP'S name"

She has sworn they have never met, but my boy has told me stories about them meeting up for n the dog walking area, although he doesn't have a dog, how they played games with sticks and he showed him photos of his cat and talked about football, and how he also works near where mummy has a little shared beach chalet and has brought him sweets and stuff.

Now this chalet is somewhere that she also used to go on an evening and meet random female friends from work all throughout last year.

It's just lies after lies that I keep finding out and I'm sure there will be more.

But meeting up with her ap and my son is just awful.

In the plus side my boy said he's a nice guy but very old lol.

I'm not sure whether to confront her about this or not.

I'm already well on my way to getting my own place and we have someone viewing our house tomorrow so hopeful for a quick sale.

I don't want to cause anymore drama but I feel I need to tell her once again how disgusting her actions have been. I've been living with this narcissistic person and just coming to realise all the signs that I have been missing and ignored because I trusted her. But I also don't want to give her the pleasure if seeing me annoyed again.

Hey Twitcher, I'm new to this thread and don't post much anymore, just mostly follow things. I'm 5-6 years out, so in a vastly different place, but I can vividly remember the pain I went through early on.

I just want to encourage you that things do get better. My now EXWW and I nested for a year and it was tough. We did week-on, week-off and I had to either sleep in my car or travel to my sister's place a couple of towns over. Money was tight with bills and legal stuff, but I was creative, took extra work and survived. Now I'm thriving.

You will have some watershed moments coming up, some painful, some comforting. Realize that the pain is temporary. You may want to read up on how bhuddists approach pain. It's quite an enlightening concept. The TLDR version is to embrace the pain as if it was an temporary, uninvited guest meant to teach you. Once done, it quietly leaves. At least that's my understanding. This idea got me through some very dark times.

I'm looking forward to you getting your own place. It can be very healthy, at least it was for me. I went full nesting mode, decorating it just for me and my girls. I bought a mug with PEACE emblazoned on it and used it every morning. Having experienced chaos, the peace was a welcome change.

Before I filed for divorce, I confided I my best friend that I feared being alone for the rest of my life. He reminded me that I had already been alone for a large part of my M. Now i jralously guard my alone time... As well, I asked him what he would do differently now, as he too is D. He told me that he would worry less about finances. Things just seem to work out. I can vouch for that. Yeah, I need to budget, take extra work when the opportunity comes, and shop frugally, but my grown kids and I eat well and there is always food in the pantry. I even managed to go on a cheap cruise a few years back.

Things will work out for you, I'm certain. I'm also certain that once you are free of your WW and her narcissistic behaviour, you will begin to detox very quickly and have a very different perspective on things. There is just one thing I'd like to say on a cautionary note. Relationships that begin as As are not know for their longevity or success rate, and your WW has shown you a history of manipulative behaviour towards you. I agree with the previous sentiment that you have been discarded for some time now, so the towel thing and the changing stuff are only meant to keep you tethered to her for future use, like sewing money into the hem of a coat. She most likely does not see you as a person, only a resource that she may need later. Her new relationship will probably go south at some point, and she will come back hoping to capitalize on her investment. You need to spend some time proactively planning how you might deal with that.

I wish you and your son nothing but good things as you move forward.

Thank you mate, I'm trying to deal with the pain like a tattoo, I have a few, the pain n is temporary although unbearable at times the tattoo is art that I can be proud of forever.

I'm prepared for the possibility of her trying to manipulate me in the future, I really wish her happiness whoever that is, but I also know her and the choices she is making are likely not going to bring her what she is searching for.... I could be wrong but I am quite prepared to say "no thanks" if it does go tits up and she needs my attention again.

There is no forgiving her for what she has done, so that side of our relationship is done, for good.

Twitcher, except for food, clothing, shelter, your son and a job nothing else matters. Do not cling to things that will hold you back. Get moving on things quickly.
I agree with Bigger. You need an atty to get you over the rough spots ASAP.
Every day you live with this mess is a day your body is paying the price. I think every bs needs to read THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE.

Funny one today 😆

I got my ww a valentine's card from my son delivered to our house addressed to me, but in a Moonpig envelope, I think you also have this in the USA?

Anyway I got back from work and she had opened the envelope, which I thought was strange, but the envelope had Moonpig graphics on it and it said to someone special in pink valentine's theme, now this is the envelope not the card inside.

I asked her why she opened it and she said she didn't realise it was addressed to me and she thought it might be a birthday card for her!.... Her birthday is over a week away! No one would open it that early. She didn't open the bill that also came in the post to me 🤣

I really think she thought I had received a valentine's card lol, I bet she was rubbing her hands together thinking I had an admirer lol and I wish I had seen her face drop when she looked inside and it was a mummy card. She said she didn't look inside.

Made me chuckle anyway, how pathetic 😆😆😆

It’s time for focus. Your ex-wife is a massive piece of shit. You deserve better. Don’t worry about the drama. Keep a laser focus on reducing the time that you guys need to be together, even if it’s working all day to cut a few hours off of the total time. You need that thing out of your life ASAP. You’re going to have a hard time fully healing until that is done.

Hie there.

I don't write in here often. But from time to time I come here to read some posts.

Your post got my attention. The lack of respect from your WW is just so deep it is disgusting. I imagine for the BS it should be 100 times worth. I'm so sorry for that.

I also don't want to sound wrong here. I understand that one should talk to vent. But I feel you are concentrating to much on your WW steps. Paying to much atention to what she does. You need to focus on YOU. I would like to read here about you working out. Going for a stroll with your kid. Planning a small trip somewhere (even if alone). Clearing your mind of wrongfull thoughs and embracing the better ones.

That is the ONLY way forward. I do believe you glanced Bitter's post where he used the rain analogy. I encourage you to go back and re-read that post again very carefully. Amazing words of wisdow in there. Not only for you but for everyone around here.

YOU deserve better. YOU and only YOU. Take the pain out of your life TODAY. For your own good. Work on YOURSELF - starting from TODAY. And MEAN IT. No questions asked and no looking back. You only live ONCE. Go be HAPPY.

P.S: Noticed a certain WW was not once mencioned on this last paragraph? That is how it should be.

I could say that if you continue to pay atention to your (still) WW like you are doing you could be in for a train wreak - but you have already been involved in one. You are just starting to get out of the aftermath rumble. Do it standing tall!

Also, listen to what everyone is saying and take the best to your advantage. It is really the only way forward. We all have been there and done that. Working on YOU and YOU again. It is not a selfish prospect - believe me. It is the ONLY way FORWARD to a happier Life - independent of doing it alone, with a new partner or with your now WW (IF she went to the moon and back and REALLY changed her ways).

YOU deserve BETTER. All the best to you. 🙏

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 9:40 PM, Tuesday, February 11th]

Thank you, yes I agree my posts are a little one sided, but I just like to vent as I don't like to talk too much about her to people that do t really understand.

Just to post some positives
I'm arranging a trip to stay with my brother in the USA this summer, my first gym session is tomorrow, I'm going with some work mates soon to scale the highest peak in England, I have booked to view some new properties in the next few weeks, I'm having a meal out with my kids this week. A day out at the bar at the weekend with colleagues.

So lots of positives and I am looking to my future away from ww.

And I perhaps am still spending way too much time concentrating on what she's doing but it is helping me understand what she really is which is also helping me move on.

I honestly just laugh to myself now with every new thing I find out.

But I really appreciate everyones in put here it all makes sense it's just hard to put it all into practice. 🫶🏼

Yep. That is the only way going forward. Making plans for yourself. Looking after yourself. Being the best version of YOU you can be. Threat yourself well - being it mentally, or physically - it all counts into the BIG PICTURE. Getting rid of infidelity and striving with the goal of being happy. That should be the GOAL. Independent if it will happen with you two together or apart. ALWAYS. Never loose focus on that and you will be ok.

Regarding what you mencion about trying to understand your WW. I get that. We all have been through those thoughts. It can be hard. Just don´t wonder to much on that aspect of things because the answers normally are very dimm. The only answer as to why someone can do what your WW did, and many people do, is simply because they could, they wanted and they had something in their caracter flawed to the point of letting themselves go that way. Being it seaking atention, being it being out of love, or living in the mist and the trills of an affair, etc. It all comes down to: They could. They wanted. They have a caracter flaw that does not allow bondaries to set in in themselves. At this point in time one does have to mentally understand that the person one knew is no more. And that she as been replaced by this new person one did not think existed. But it DOES. She is showing you just that. Everyday. BELIEVE IT.

But even that aspect DOES. NOT. MATTER. Always concentrate on YOU. Take care of you and think of you getting out of infidelity with the simple and deserved goal to Live and be HAPPY. YOU matter. YOUR happiness matters.

Make a point to YOURSELF. Don´t let yourself be threated the way she is threating you. And MEAN IT.

Exercise. Eat well. Drink lots of water. Get out and smell the fresh air. Enjoy the sun in your face. Enjoy your time with the kid. You WILL be fine down the road. You´ll see. Ask us how we know.

Take care.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 2:41 AM, Wednesday, February 12th]

The best revenge is a life well lived.