TRIGGER WARNING: I will mention the action of someone taking their own life and harming animals, with no graphic details but feel free to click away of course.
Hi everyone, I'm Alex, I'm a woman and I want to share my story here because I want to understand why I did what I did and how to help the person I betrayed.
Directness is welcome, so are tips on how to move on from guilt while keeping the reminder that I did something terribly wrong. I don't feel like forgiving myself, but my partner said it hurts to hear me talk about how I hate myself and I don't want to damage him any further; moreover, if he will decide to stay, I will have to move on as well to be able to enjoy the relationship and be a good partner. My partner says he's not hurt and that he doesn't consider this cheating but I'm afraid he's lying to make me feel better or that he's feeling disconnected from his emotions because he tends to do that.
Premises: I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 21 and I cheated during our long-distance relationship of a year and a half.
To be precise: we got together last year, then he broke up with me and since then we kept talking being both confused on whether to get back together officially or not, but we decided that we were exclusive like a couple.
Since the first moments of the relationship I told him that I thought I was polyamorous; at first he didn't agree with my request of a polyamorous relationship, then he told me that I could do whatever I wanted with other people on multiple occasions, but I never believed him because to me it seemed like a way to make me happy but I thought he wasn't actually happy about it, although he denied that and said that he did want to give me permission, otherwise he wouldn't have said yes.
Into the story: It had been about a month since a guy texted me on Tandem, a language app that I used to have conversations with people to improve my language skills. I know a lot of people use it to flirt but I didn't download it with that intent.
The problem is that this guy, let's call him Y, seemed nice to hang out with right away and we had things in common, but I thought we could become friends.
For real, friends, because I believe platonic friendships between men and women are possible since I have guy friends and it's never been a problem, I was faithful.
For example, I've been talking to a guy on Instagram for years and we're practically friends or very good acquaintances, nothing sexual has ever happened, but now I understand why making new friends can be dangerous.
So, into the story:
I don't remember and Y deleted his account on Tandem but I think it was me to invite him to talk on Instagram on the same day he had texted me on Tandem or a few days later, because I find Tandem's interface impractical.
On Instagram we talked every day and I normally talk with people online with no ill intent because I get bored a lot, but with Y it was dangerous and now I realize it because I found him really funny. He told me that I could be his sister that he never had etc. I thought nothing of it. But it was after two or three weeks that I revealed to him very intimate things about my mental health and I think that's where the problem started. Actually, the problem had probably started from the beginning because maybe there was already an inappropriate attraction and I hadn't realized. The biggest problem though, is that when a guy gives me attention when I talk about my depression, it makes me feel cared for, I feel loved and maybe that unfortunately set things up for a crush.
Since that evening, at least this is how I remember it, I started to think about Y, imagining him saving me from TRIGGER WARNING
a suicide attempt, imagining Y being afraid of losing me. Since that night I would wake up in the morning and want to talk to Y while I was having breakfast and I would often check to see if he had replied to me. I don't remember when I told him that I had a boyfriend but I had told him.
Y would often make sexual jokes but I would tell him to stop and one time I said something I don't remember and I asked him: "Is this flirting? I don't want to flirt", so I guess I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend. I also told him not to flirt.
But still, what I did later seems to make no sense with my strong morals.
So, on the 27th of December, Y said: "Is it just so hard to find a 4'11 busty girl who dresses all in black? Damn" That was very close to a description of me, so I replied: "That would probably be me but no thanks, I identify as dead
I dont know why I said I identified as dead but this message to me sounds very wrong. It sounds like I wanted to let him know that I was available.
After that, the conversation became even more stupid. I'm copying and pasting it here:
Y: "Do you have a dump truck?" (which I guess was referred to my butt or breasts)
Me: "Nah, it's not that big"
Also me: "But it's not small either"
Y: "Bet you have but you will never say"
Me: "Too big for my own taste, on myself
I like it on other girls"
Y: "The huger the merrier"
Me replying to the "Bet you [...]" message: "No, it's not as you want it and I wouldn't be interested anyway"
Then a few messages later I told Y: "Should I break up with my boyfriend?" (officially he wasn't my boyfriend but I said it to simplify)
Y asked if I liked him and I said "Yeah but that doesn't count" and right now I feel disgusted by myself for saying that although I don't know what I meant
Not much later I said I was bored in the relationship with my partner and that we can never meet.
About two h and a half later Y started a "would you rather game", to which, first of all, I didn't say no but I initially tried to avoid the questions. Again, I'm copying and pasting. Hold on tight because this whole thing is extremely stupid. I'm putting a TRIGGER WARNING for violence on animals
Y: Would you rather drink poison and kill a kitten or have sex with me?
Me: Can I just drink poison without killing the kitten?
Y: No you have to do both
Me: Okay Me: Sex with you
Y: Okay
Me: But I'll ask my boyfriend if he agrees
Y: Your turn Y: Okay
Me: Would you rather kiss the toilet seat in a dirty toilet at a train station or me
Y: You
Me: That's too easy
Y: My turn
Me: One of your favourite actresses when she was young or me?
Y: You
Me: I said young
Y: Yeah I chose you
Me: But why?
After this he asked another question where I had to choose between 69 with him and hurting animals. I initially made a joke about hurting him instead and said I hate that position anyway He replied by asking if I was choosing to hurt the animals so I said "No no" "Okay sex with you 69 Or 96"
Again, don't know why the joke about the positions. I don't even know if 96 exists To that he said: "Good"
After this I told him: "Man I think doing this is wrong" "I still have a boyfriend"
I don't know what I meant by "still", whether I wanted to leave him or just wanted to underline that I was in a relationship.
I understand all of this this may sound chaotic. If you read until here Thank you for your time. I never thought I could become such a person and I genuinely deel like a series B human because of this now. I still want a future with my partner but I wish it was with the me of the past and not with this disgusting being I have become. All the insults are directed to myself and myself only, I'm not trying to judge anyone else who may have done the same as me or cheated in other ways. Let me know what you all think.
I apologise for the length Thank you
