SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am still struggling!

I know people will say that they have read through my posts and say that my ww doesn’t care about me and that I need to leave. But as many of you will know, its not that easy.

We have been together for twenty odd years and still together nearly 4 years after her affair. So we must still have something don’t we?

I was happy, I thought things were good, but they weren’t! I knew something was wrong at the time of the affair and did nothing about it.

Now nearly 4 years after the affair I feel stupid and I feel worthless. I have the exact same feelings that I did at the time of the affair.

I have asked my wife why she did what she did and all I get is that she was stupid and she made a mistake. She has never give me a reason how or why. She just thinks after all these years together pre affair thats all I deserve.

But I think how I feel now is destroying my marraige probably more than the affair did.

I think my wife is losing patience. She tells me that I need to get over this as it was nearly 4 years ago. She says I can’t do this for ever. She says it was me that chose to stay knowing what she had done. She also tells me how I do her head in when I tell her how I feel. She has asked if I can’t do this why don’t I leave. Then says she didn’t mean it.

I read on forums how the way ward even years later is still answering questions, and trying to fix what they destroyed. I have said this to my wife and all I get back in return is that I should be concentrating on us and not comparing us to others.

To me its like she lost nothing. She walks around without a care in the world.

She is even still texting another man who she says is gay that she works with even though I have stressed how this makes me feel.

My question is did your ww do everything in their power to help you or did they give up after a few years of trying and say this is it. Take it or leave it.

She use to try and she still does in a way. But in other ways it feels like im just waiting for it to happen again.

With respect, she is still a WW who has zero interest in changing. I have seen some of your posts over the years and they all verify what I said.

I don’t think anyone has ever said leaving is easy. But I think you keep hoping something is going to change but secretly know it never will.

At this point, you’re keeping yourself in this situation. Barring a miracle, nothing is going to change. Do you want to be back here in another 4 years saying the same thing? Don’t let the fear of D keep you in this relationship.

If you don’t want to D, then don’t.

But please stop looking to your cheating spouse for answers.

Also stop making her the focus of your life.

Develop your own life with things that bring you joy. Without her.

Join a club. Just for you.

Read a book. Whenever you wish.

Take a trip (day or longer) with an activity you have always wanted to do.

Go to events that interest you and meet new interesting people.

Step outside of your comfort zone.

And stop waiting for answers or things she’s not going to give you. Lower your expectations.

That’s how you can help yourself move forward.

I hope this helps you.

she was stupid and she made a mistake

She was selfish and didn't think you'd find out - not stupid. Forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the grocery store is a mistake. She made thousands of conscious decisions to lie to you and cheat on you.

We have been together for twenty odd years and still together nearly 4 years after her affair. So we must still have something don’t we?

Nope. I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. Frankly, I've been happier after the D than in the 10-15 previous years.

I feel stupid and I feel worthless

Why? Are you in IC to work on this? You have been faithful and seem to be a nice person. Maybe understanding why you feel stupid and worthless may help you see a way forward.

Your wife left you years ago. Not physically, but emotionally. She’s had to, to have the affair you know about.

She’s not coming back. She blamed you then; she blames you now.

Texting a guy she thinks is gay? Naahh. She’s looking for your replacement.

File for divorce. If that brings her back, you don’t have to go through with it. Be careful about taking her back; it may be she just does not have her future arranged, yet.

But don’t live your one and only life like this.

She’s been telling you why you are not get anything out of her when she says if you don’t like it, leave. Being willing to leave is the only possible way to get your answers. She thinks that you won’t leave. So if her status quo is ensured, why should she give you something that makes her look bad? If you really want to know and you really want to be with her, you must be brave enough to call her bluff. BUT, you can’t be bluffing back. See a lawyer. Fill out the papers. Tell her she either comes clean or you are filing, and then do it if she won’t give you what you need. By the way, the gay guy line sounds like a crock. She doesn’t think you have the guts to demand answers and set boundaries. She just doesn’t respect you. Filing may change that. But even if it doesn’t, are you sure you want to stay married to this woman? Find your anger and use your voice. She is not the prize you and she think she is. You are the prize. Start valuing yourself.

We have been together for twenty odd years and still together nearly 4 years after her affair. So we must still have something don’t we?

You may not have anything. If you do, it doesn't seem to be worth maintaining.

I am sorry to write this: You aren't stupid, and you're worth as much as everybody else. I don't think you're using your smarts, though.

What is keeping you connected to this woman who is not connected to you?

My reco: read Love and Limerence by Dorothy Tennov. You may be tied to your W by limerence. Read Co-Dependent No More. You may be tied to your W by fear of being authentic.

I'm very sorry you're suffering. You do not deserve this. I wish someone could extract you from your sitch, but you're the only one who can do that.

Friend,

I found that my M was as much a habit as anything else. It is what I knew. It wasn’t healthy and I wasn’t really happy and he was a cheating liar who was not going to change. Maybe what you have is not what you think or want it to be. We split after 25 years together. I am not only happier, but I am a better person.

She is not being nice to you. For years. Affairs are not mistakes- they are conscious choices.Not being remorseful or honest after the A is discovered is a choice. Continuing to abuse you emotionally is a choice. She is choosing to hurt you. Over and over again.

I also recommend the books Sisoon recommended as well as IC.

What are you getting out of this other than still technically being married? Are you happy? At peace? Feeling loved and valued? Able to speak your mind and share your thoughts and fears and feelings?

If you want to stay married, then you need to get to acceptance. Accept that this is what she is willing to provide and nothing more. You know everything about her affair that you ever will - do not expect her to offer anything else. This is what she is willing to provide. Is it enough?
If so, then you need to re-find yourself. As others suggested, start putting you first. Pursue passions for you and put yourself first. Maybe she will never give you the M you dream of, but it is up to you to make the most of the situation.

As they say, if nothing changes, then nothing changes. So whichever way you go, it’s up to you to make the changes. Harder than it sounds, I know. An IC can help.

best of luck to you- you deserve happiness. I hope you find it.

We have been together for twenty odd years and still together nearly 4 years after her affair. So we must still have something don’t we?

What you still have is a M that sounds like you are not happy in and I don't blame you. I left after being married 19 years we were together for 25. I am in my early 50's. The time spent in the M as far as I'm concerned is just that, time spent in the M. If it no longer serves you why would you want to spend the remainder of your life feeling this way? That's basically what it came down to for me. I am in the last leg of my life and I did not want to spend the rest of it feeling the way I did, regardless of how many years we were married.

I was deathly afraid of D it's what kept me stuck in my M, but I worked with a counselor and detached from my xWS, and started carving out a life for myself. I'm not going to say it was easy, it wasn't, but once I got through to the other side a few years after leaving I started to feel really happy and at peace. It has been the best decision I have ever made in my life and I wish I had left sooner.

The only other option you have is to stay and continue feeling this way as it looks like she isn't changing anything.

If you want to stay married, then you need to get to acceptance. Accept that this is what she is willing to provide and nothing more. You know everything about her affair that you ever will - do not expect her to offer anything else. This is what she is willing to provide.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:59 PM, Wednesday, January 29th]

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down about yourself and your marriage right now. Have you gone to IC? Remember this, your wife is the one who did not show integrity by stepping outside the marriage. That is on her and not you. Whatever you have done or did not do, did not give her cause to cheat on you. Instead of feeling worthless and feeling stupid, you should feel proud. Proud that you chose to fight for your marriage, proud to know that you honored your vowels, proud to know that you are willing to put in the hard work and forge a way forward. With that being said, have the two of you found some new hobbies together and tried to create new memories and fun together. Focus on moving forward and not the answers, because sometimes those answers are not worth knowing or they might not even truly know. Pray for your marriage. Pray that you heart is mended and that each day is a brighter one. God bless.

Thank you all for the great advice once again

May be I'm making it sound worse than it actually is. After all, she isn't here to defend herself or even give her side of the story. But I’m not being un reasonable to believe that if the cheater made the mess they should be at least afraid of losing what they are trying to save.

I have asked wife why she never begged me to stay when it all come out. Her answer was that she wouldn't beg anyone to stay! It was my chose to stay. I chose to stay with her and I can’t hold it against her and punish her for ever.

Inside an argument I accused my wife of staying for finical reasons or for the children. In fact the words I used were, that she was using me. She turned around and said "what would I be using you for. What do you have that I need in order to use you for"

I told her that if she feels that way she needs to leave. Her response was that she isn’t leaving and that I should leave. She said why should she go. She did say that she was not staying for any reason other than the fact that she does love me. I just don't know what to believe anymore

She is still texting the person in her work. I questioned that and she said "but he is gay". "He is no threat". But it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I kept referring to her as a cheater. She just kept saying she isn't a cheater or a lier. She said yes she was, but she isn't now. It’s like she has lost all remorse or at least responsibility.

May be I'm just being un reasonable. May be I'm blowing everything out of proportion. I just don't know if this is how it is after an affair.

I feel weak and I feel stupid and sometimes. I feel like she is the one in control. I care more than she does and she works that to her advantage

Sorry for repeating myself.

She is gone emotionally. Maybe she is staying physically for the kids, finances, etc.

But as soon as she settles on your replacement, she’ll be gone, physically, as well.

And you’re going to be afraid of that, nervous, walking on eggshells, suspicious of everything she does.

No way to live.

@Formerpeopleperson

I agree thats no way to live. Its exactly what I am doing right now.

I walk around second guessing everything, walking on egg shells even though she says its her thats walking around on eggs shells and she is the one making the effort. She is looking me in the eye and saying there is nothing wrong we are ok. These were the exact words she said to me at the time of the affair. I said this to her and all she says is its not the same, its different this time. It wont happen again.

She also keeps using the words, "I have to go through this every day as well you know"! I asked her what she means by that and she said that she has to try and prove herself every day but I'm not listening.

I agree, maybe she has gone emotionally. But why? What happened? Did I do something wrong again? Because for the first couple of years she was really trying. Now she gets defensive when I tell her how I feel.

I know everyone has said I need to leave, but I'm the kind of person to believe in marraige and not give up. I just wish she was the same.

Any attempt I might make to explain this would be full of generalizations, which are disfavored on this site (for good reasons).

I can only say that your wife sounds just like my wife, and the "Women’s Infidelity: Living in Limbo" books by Michele Langley explained it to me very convincingly.

You should read them, and your wife should, too. Your wife is still in limbo, but where she’s going is unfortunately very predictable.

Many on this site believe a cheater can get to the bottom of their behavior, and correct that behavior, becoming a safe partner, through individual therapy. Maybe.

But never cheating again is not the same as loving, again.

I get it.. I really do but its just so hard.

I should grow a back bone and leave.

It feels like all the hard work we did in the first 2 years after this mess come out has been undone.

She told him she missed him when she didn't see him, she told him she loved him, she even told me one of the sexual posistion that she did. She was being compeltly honest with me. I didn't trust her or believe her, but it did show that no matter how uncomfortable she was with telling me her focus was telling the truth. It felt like she wanted to fix things and to do that she had to be honest. We would go over and over it again and again for at least the first year. Maybe more.

But now she gas lights me. She says she didn't tell him she loved him. she didn't say she missed him and she would never do that sexual position and its all in my head.

She acts like I'm the crazy one.

This is not good for my mental health or my family.

But I continue this probable pointless battle

It really saddens me to see you blaming yourself for her behavior today. I have loosely followed your story for a while now and see a pattern. You pop up occasionally and essentially post the same thing. I am not trying to criticize you, just making an observation.

She is the one that cheated. She is the one who broke higher vows. She is the one who pissed all over your marriage. She should be making every effort to prove to you that she wants you and this marriage. Based upon what you’ve written, she hasn’t.

Now if you were ten years out and she had been the model wife the entire time, she claims may have some merit. But that’s clearly not the case.

There is the saying "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". She has repeatedly shown you that this is good as it’s gonna get. If you don’t like it, well too bad.

I get that the thought of divorce is frightening and not something that is to be taken lightly. But consider this; live is short. Picture feeling the way you do now for the rest of your life. JMO, but that would scare me far more than divorce.

I learned a long time ago that not much gets done unless you establish a suspense date and work a plan towards completing the task on or before the suspense comes due. How about this idea? You give yourself 30 days to find and hire a PI to determine your wife’s fidelity, specifically what is going on with Mr Gay. If he’s not gay then within 7 days of receipt of the PI report, you find and hire a lawyer to draft a divorce petition; and within 3 days after receiving the petition, you file for divorce. First task: find out if she is in an affair. If so, then one required action: filing. If the gay guy relationship proves to be kosher, you still have a problem. Why would a loving spouse stay in a relationship that is undermining her marriage? That sounds like an IC issue for your wife to figure out, and maybe for you to either accept or file over.

I am assuming that she does not let you see her texts and that you have no way to check out Mr Gay on your own. Otherwise, you would have done so already. You could put voice activated recording devices in places where she would be comfortable talking freely, or try to hack her devices. But if you can afford a pro, I’d use one.

You are currently stuck. I recognize the condition from my own life experiences. Make a plan. Set a suspense. Just moving forward will help you immensely, no matter the result. If you end up filing, remember that you still retain flexibility to alter course if other options then become tenable. Take the pilot seat, grab the throttle and stick and quit being just a passenger on this flight. You have the key to unlock your problem in your own pocket. Feel better, my brother.

You are still struggling because your WW has not done any work on herself and is quite content to be an ostrich w/her head in the sand and angry at you for not putting yours in with her.

Let me break a few things down for you:

I think my wife is losing patience.

IMHO that is a role that should be reversed. YOU losing patience with HER for not getting it.

She tells me that I need to get over this as it was nearly 4 years ago.

In other words - STFU and get over it or at least pretend to.

She says I can’t do this for ever.

May I ask who the f*** made her Father Time?

She says it was me that chose to stay knowing what she had done.

So...putting R all on you instead of BOTH of you like it should be. She should be grateful for the grace of your choosing to attempt to reconcile. But instead she weaponizes it.

She also tells me how I do her head in when I tell her how I feel.

Classic DARVO [Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender]

She has asked if I can’t do this why don’t I leave.

She wants to make you the "bad guy" for being the one to leave.

edited to add - a very cowardly move. It forces you to do the "dirty work" and be the "bad guy" and allows her to play the role of "penitent victim"

Then says she didn’t mean it.

Only to save her own ass.

She is the farthest thing from a safe partner.

*edited to correct spelling errors*

[This message edited by Chaos at 6:09 PM, Thursday, February 6th]

This one sentence in your post really got to me, and I think it’s the real heart of everything:

"Now nearly 4 years after the affair I feel stupid and I feel worthless. " (I don’t know how to make this highlighted like others do so I just put it in quotes)

If this is how you feel 4 years later, then it sounds like for your own sake, you need to leave. You don’t deserve to feel this way one minute longer. I echo all the things others are saying, especially Chaos whose no-nonsense way of putting it is perfect. She is trying to make you do all the R work and it doesn’t sound like she has accepted any responsibility for the mess she has created. 4 years of misery is just too long for anyone, especially someone who never asked for any of this in the first place. I hope you can find the strength to make the best decision for you. You are worth so much more than this.

We have been together for twenty odd years and still together nearly 4 years after her affair. So we must still have something don’t we?

Stubbornness at least.

A tree can grow in a crack on the sidewalk. For years. Doesn't mean the tree wouldn't grow better in different conditions.