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Here’s my story, married 25 years 2 sons, no major problems throughout our marriage just I feel at times we were disconnected. New Year’s Eve 2024 my WS told me he needed to confess somethings to me because he felt like we were the closest we’ve ever been in our marriage and he felt I needed to know. He told me in 2004 on a night out with his cousin he went with a sex worker, same cousin again on a night out in 2006 he did it again and then again in 2008. These were all ‘gifts’ from his cousin. Fast forwards to 2019 he started an emotional affair with a coworker which was on and off for 16 months, he’d drop her off home after work and they’d end up kissing and touching then say it was wrong and we won’t do it again but they kissed and had sexual contact 8 times in 16 months, one night he ended up in her house as she asked him to go in and they nearly ended up going upstairs for sex but he ran off, the next day at work she called him a chicken. they kissed a couple of occasions after that but then he said he realised it had gone too far and transferred department at work and ghosted her.
I’ve had him take a lie detector to confirm all these details and no deception indicated, he’s telling the truth there was no sexual intercouse and no oral sex. This happened 3 years ago and he’s just told me, I’m absolutely devastated, can’t sleep, eat, my brain isn’t working properly, I can’t hold a conversation with anyone.
I don’t know why the incidents with the sex workers don’t bother me nearly half as much as the emotional affair because they didn’t sleep together.
The constant thoughts of them kissing in the car are consuming me, I’ve tried everything to make them stop but I can’t and it’s killing me.
He’s been so supportive, he’s told me everything a thousand times over, answers all questions, listening to me and doing everything I need, he says he will do everything and anything in his power for me to work out our marriage and everything he’s said he does.In 25 years I’ve only seen him cry once when his mother died but he’s cried with me nearly every day and at times begging to stop crying because he can’t see me in pain anymore. I want to work things out but sometimes the pain and thoughts are unbearable and I just want to run away.
Sometimes I’m very positive about our future and I’m sure we can work it out and sometimes I think I’m wasting my time.
He said he the reason for the affair is because he failed to put boundaries in place and it crossed the line in to flirting then taking dirty to each other, he said he got a kick out of it because she’s half his age and he was extremely flattered and his ego at work was being stroked every day, he said she would not entertain his talk about his problems and so she made him forget his problems at home (we were renovating our home at the time), she was fun to be around and he said she followed him around like a puppy and then he said after he went in her house and ran off he started to be repulsed by her.
One thing that bothers me is he says that each kiss was a mistake and it infuriates me because why did it happen 8 times?.
He says but I did stop it in the end before it went too far and he said the guilt was eating him alive.

If you got this far thank you for listening to me waffle on and any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as the ones with the bull's eye icons. Good ones include the Before You Say Reconcile - Recover and Consequences 101. The Healing Library is at the top of the page.

Your WH (wayward husband) needs IC (individual counseling) to work on becoming a safe partner. Because this has happened more than once or twice, he falls within the "serial cheater" realm, IMHO. He needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a fairly short read, but is a nice blueprint to help him help you. Another book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. I like the chapter on windows and walls because it is a good visual in helping to understand boundaries.

Although this may have happened some time ago, it just happened for you. IC with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Bonus points if they have infidelity betrayal trauma experience.

Please practice self-care. The shot concentration, emotions swinging back & forth are normal. If you have trouble with depression, anxiety or sleeping, ask your doctor for some meds. I had to takes some for about a year.

he says that each kiss was a mistake

A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. These were all conscious decisions that he made, no mistake about it. Think of all the lies he's told you to cover up. Every one of those are conscious decisions, and you should be infuriated.

In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for spouses whose cheater used sex workers. You could read there and see if anything resonates. For some, the emotional aspect makes it seem worse than the physical.

Keep posting.

I don’t know why the incidents with the sex workers don’t bother me nearly half as much as the emotional affair because they didn’t sleep together.
The constant thoughts of them kissing in the car are consuming me, I’ve tried everything to make them stop but I can’t and it’s killing me.

Because it wasn't just transactional. Knowing that there was some sort of connection makes the pain that much more difficult.

He says but I did stop it in the end before it went too far

He needs to readjust his mindset about this. He went too far the moment he took in the external validation, and went searching for more. Just because *his* boundary starts at sexual intercourse, doesn't mean that kissing another woman isn't full-blown cheating.

And the truth is, he is going to make many more errors along the way. Unless he was going to counseling and pouring through affair recovery related books without your knowledge, he has a lot of work to do. That includes rewiring his thought system to align with the boundaries that he claims to want. So, not only do you have to go through your own painful healing, you are going to have to watch and experience his falters(if you choose to try to repair the marriage). The one *benefit* that you have today is that you have your agency. If he has done one thing right lately, as painful as it is, he told you about your actual reality. I really hope it was because he felt you deserved to know the truth vs. him trying to relieve his guilt. Time is going to tell.

Keep posting. It does get better, although it does not feel it at the moment.

Thank you for your support it’s very much appreciated.
Im really struggling with accepting what has happened I think, because the EA happened over 3 years ago he can’t remember a lot of details and I’ve gotten chunks of information and left to fill in the blanks myself.
He’s still claiming he thinks there were only 8 kisses but I’m struggling to believe it or accept it, after all this was an on off thing for 16 months. The only thing I know for sure is there was no sexual intercourse or oral sex because of the lie detector results.
Part of me wants to contact OP and ask her how many times they kissed but part of me says this would be foolish, does it matter? They still kissed whether it was 8 times or 80 times it still hurts but the not knowing hurts too.
He said he had no feelings for her he just enjoyed the validation, attention, stress relief and the ego boost and she was just there. H said she asked what are we to each other and he would tell her we’re just friends you know I’m married and this is a mistake we should not be doing this, they would stop talking for a few weeks then start chatting again and rinse and repeat .
On 3 occasions he said that she offered oral sex but he said not today maybe another time, this seems obscene to me!, if I’d have offered a man oral and he refused I’d never speak to him again I even have second hand embarrassment writing this.
Does anyone have any advice on how to accept the facts for what they are? Instead of letting the mind run away with its self?, I’ve read the reading library and do so Every day, it’s a massive help but I’m still struggling. I still feel like I have denial too because at least once a day I say to myself why did he do it this way, why couldn’t he have just had a one night stand and be done with it.
I’m sick of the nightmares, I woke up last night shaking and wet through with sweat, H arms is the only place I can sleep, I try catching up in the day but not a chance. I have an appointment at the mental health clinic on Monday and hopefully they can suggest something.
I’m so grateful for SI it’s literally saved my sanity the past few days. Thank you.

One piece of advice based on my recent experience is if you do contact ap don't tell them your h part or explanation. Let them tell you there side. I made a huge mistake and told my w ap her side and his initial version changed to a more exaggerated (imo) version then the one he originally gave me. It seemed to get him very upset that my w version was not the same and shifted more blame so to speak on him. Now I have this more exaggerated version constantly playing in my head.

Good for you for making an appointment with a therapist! As with any trauma, your best friend is time. A good therapist will give you some insights and some coping mechanisms to help you. People on this site can also help in those regards.

I have come to accept what many have said about comparing the discovery of infidelity with a death. The marriage you thought you had is now dead. Your identity as happy wife with loyal husband is also dead. You will go through all the stages of grieving, just like if a loved one had died. First, you will deny that the marriage died. Then you will get angry. Then you will bargain. And you’ll intersperse these emotions for a long long time. Eventually, you will come to acceptance. Notice that I did not say that you were dead, only your old identity is moribund. You will come out of this with a new more self reliant identity. You are already beginning that journey by seeking counsel of peers. And if you choose to reconcile, you will have a different marriage.

I don’t know where you will end up, reconciled or divorced. That will be a decision you should make after the shock and trauma wear off. But I have to tell you that your husband sounds like he’s giving you a lot to work with. The guy has a conscience. He well and truly screwed up, but he self-corrected without being outed. That is a lot more than a lot of the waywards on this site. Yes, he violated boundaries. But the man said no thanks to a BJ. and turned himself in and he passed the polygraph. I doubt that he said no to oral sex because he was morally opposed to orgasms. He did that because he chose you. The images of their kissing will stay with you forever, I am afraid. But if he continues to prove by his actions that he is all in with this new marriage, the pain will fade. The only advice I can give you is to try not to dwell on it too long or too often. It will never go away, but you can divert yourself with other thoughts or work. Ask your therapist for techniques.

Be well, Sister.

I am the outlier here. What good came of his confession? Not one thing except he got to unload all his crap and dump it on you. I can’t stand people who feel the need to do this. He had changed for the better and yet he had to make sure you knew he is now a good guy. Well, he isn’t one. Look at the hell you are living in. I think telling you is worse than the cheating. He could have become a caring, devoted husband and left out the "truth". Is he five years old? Me, me me! Look at me! Ridiculous!

Please know what you are experiencing is normal. And the reason your reactions are so profound is because you are experiencing what is called Betrayal Trauma. Some say it may be worse than war time trauma for some specifics reasons.

Highly recommend reading book Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays. And search Jake Porter on YouTube...watch his material. If you have the mean....his group would be amazing therapists. Whatever you do...make sure the therapist you get is a specialist with betrayal trauma. This will take time. It will get better. Ask husband the questions you want....even if you ask the same ones hundreds of times. It is your brain trying to rebuild its understanding of your past, present, and future. Hang in there. Post here as often as you need.

Welcome sister to this shit show. My H confessed many many years later. It feels so unfair that he got to control the narrative of our M. He took advantage of my loyalty, faithfulness, kindness and generosity. He had my full trust all those years and freedom to do as he pleased. He got to work on himself without my even being aware there was an issue.

He too said that he needed to tell me something because he respected me too much and that he needed me to know who he was. I think that he told me because 1. he does respect me (now) and 2. he needed to be held accountable. He confessed his sin to God, but he didn't think that was enough.

Since it was all so long ago I have no way to know the whole truth, only what he tells me. My H also doesn't cry much. Death of son, parent and now this.

Those intrusive thoughts are killers. I don't have a cure for you. I battle every day. I try to stay busy with personal interests. It also helps to scream at him while alone in my car. Open discussion with him about my thoughts is good as is journaling.

Cooley.... My H tainted his entire life and our M with his secret. I can now see how much it affected his behavior. Why? Why did he wait this long to spill the beans? He robbed us years of a healing healthy M. All I can say is that we are all made up differently. My H doesn't think he's a "good guy". Quite the opposite. His disgust with himself defined him. Up until the day he confessed. I ask myself often why he couldn't have just become the man he wanted to be on his own. Left me with my fairy tale version of our M. I guess it wasn't in the cards. Am I glad he confessed? Ultimately yes. I now have agency. We now have balance.

Yesterday was not a good day at all.
40 days post DD.
Just a little info on my WH work affair, it was an at work thing, no contact outside of work or time spent outside of work, they kissed 8 times when he gave her a lift home after work, no sexual intercourse or oral sex (confirmed with polygraph).
WH gave me a rough timeline of the A but yesterday I asked him to take me to the places he’d kissed her after work (he’d pull up in a lay-by so they could chat and end up kissing). By doing this it helped him to remember the order of how things happened and what was said and where, this also changed the timeline of the A and the last contact they had because he remembered when we were there which car we had at that time, this added 6 months to the A and brought it forward 6 months which sent me in to a blind rage!.
I’m ashamed to admit the person I turned in to yesterday, completely disappointed with myself. I screamed, shouted, spat, hit and smashed the car.
My reality has changed again and I feel that heavy feeling on my chest again like I can’t breathe properly, I know the events have not changed but the times they happened have and I’m angry.
In going to those places and having him show me exactly what happened and what was said as difficult as it was helped me realise that my own mind is actually consuming itself with made up stories. Last night for the first time I did not see the nightmare, i slept for 4 hours and then napped for 2 hours this afternoon and again no nightmare. Hopefully I don’t see it tonight it’s horrific.
I respect H for actually telling me that things were in the wrong order time etc but hate him for not knowing sooner and I’m literally terrified he’s going to remember something else important and tell me and send me mental again.
I’ve told him I want to go back to the places and I’m going to keep going back until I feel nothing.
I’ve also discovered AP TikTok account and videos referring to my H saying she met the right person at the wrong time etc - I’m literally seething. I should have never looked it her account I know but I did and regret it so much.

Thank you for listening.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your story is similar to mine except your WH confessed and actually tried to give you a complete accurate picture from the beginning. My WH also had three one night stands with people at work conferences that were meaningless and then a one year "friendships" with someone he slept with three times. The friendship is the worst and bothers me the most but I found out different timelines and how many times at varied times over a year and it is brutal. It hurts so much to feel like your history and the reality you knew was not what it was. Be patient with yourself. This takes so long to get through. It’s been three years for me and I’m much stronger but still not Sure if I will stay in the marriage despite a very remorseful spouse. No specific advice to give but wanted to just say you are heard and seen.

The rage that would take over scared me a lot. At times, I would go sit in my car to yell, scream & cry till I couldn't any longer. There are people who have bought dishes at yard sales & smashed them with baseball bats, or frozen water in paper plates & smashed them with a bat. Others have taken up boxing or bought a punching bag to get the anger out. As long as you're letting it out and not keeping it in is important.

The nightmares are tough. I had them pretty much for 3 years. It was XWH & AP trying to kill me. Running through darkened rooms with them behind and sharp knives, running through parking lots or garages and they were in the car, you get the drift.

It could be that you have PTSD from this and need specialized treatment. This stuff is rough.

The tough part is that your brain can't tell the difference between your WH's betrayal and getting chased down by a lion.

Also, he needs to go NC with his cousin who gives him these kinds of 'gifts'. Anybody who isn't a friend of the M needs to go.

I’m losing it!.
The story has changed again!, I’m fuming he’s not disclosing everything I can feel it.
He’s arguing that this time he’s sure that’s everything but he’s said that 20 times since DD.
I don’t know weather I’m coming or going I think he may be rug sweeping or trickle truthing, he keeps telling me he forgot and has just remembered.
Last night some new information came from EAP and he had to admit it was true and he was furious she had disclosed that information, he said he’d had enough of the M and he couldn’t take it anymore saying we are not being healthy around each other anymore and we are tired and neglecting our responsibilities as parents etc, everything he said made me feel like crap. I felt it was me trying to make him see we were worth fighting for last night and it’s really upsetting as it should be the other way around.
Today I’ve actually thought about leaving and D, I’m terrified about how my future will look without him and I’m scared for the kids future. I’m completely financially dependent on H and I’d have to go to live with my dad, then I start arguing with myself that I’m going to let a few kisses and touches ruin mine and my children’s future.
I don’t know what to do.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with so much. One thing you can do is try to detach from his crazy-making gaslighting behavior. You are the victim here, NOT him.

In my marriage, there were times when WH would blame me for every problem in the relationship, all while he was hiding the secret sexual basement under my nose. His blame and scapegoating eventually taught me to shrug and not count on him. I didn't think it was all my fault, and I decided he was just being an ass, like he often was.

Separating myself emotionally from his temper flares, negativity, and crabbiness helped, even before I knew he was gaslighting me. Try to give yourself time to process this, I know it's hard and you want to be on the other side of it right NOW, but it does take time. Take care of your kids, and your own needs. Try to find your center, separate from WH.

Hugs and support!

[This message edited by gray54 at 6:42 PM, Tuesday, February 11th]

I rest my case…me, me, me. His halo has slipped because you have not applauded.

Take care of yourself.

On Monday we got a phone call, his brother in law had been killed in a hit and run so we flew out to the funeral-it was a lot to deal with on top of everything but we got through it, flew back home and stayed in a hotel for a night before driving back home. In the privacy of our hotel room we did a lot of talking about our M, we’ve just realised how much his infidelity has affected our entire M, he said he thought he’d buried everything well but our research shows his actions in our relationship is directly linked to guilt. Our sex life was amazing at the beginning of our relationship until a few years after I’d had our first son then something changed, I obviously put it down to being a parent of a young child but looking at it now the guilt caused him to have PE. The PE wasn’t so bad until his most recent EA, it got so bad I asked him to go see a doctor or maybe we could practice more foreplay so I could feel satisfied. Fast forward to now he’s back to normal, I feel like I have my husband back no PE at all - nothing. I’m heartbroken our entire M has been affected by his guilt, even down to the way he treated me, he said he always knew he didn’t deserve me so that’s why he distanced himself from me. He tells me now he feels like he has a second chance at life, he feels free and he has a point to prove now that he can and will do anything for me and our family he owes it to me to be the best man he can be. Does anyone else have speeches like this? And think, what a crock of shit! But then on the other hand I feel incredibly proud of him because he really struggles with communicating and especially his emotions and feelings, he’s never said anything like this to me before.
Since the loss of our brother in law I have not had that horrible ball feeling in my tummy, I think maybe his death put things in perspective a little but I hope the ball of emotion feeling in my tummy doesn’t return.
I’m still struggling with the timeline with H, every time we try to revisit the timeline and get things in order we end up arguing because some of it happened 5 yrs ago and he can’t remember which makes me angry, does anyone have any words of advice on what to say to him to make him want to help me with this timeline situation?, he tells me he can’t remember specific dates etc he only remembers the events (kissing and touching) but says they would flirt and talk dirty to each other at work for a few weeks leading up to the event, then once they had a kiss they would have a chat about how it’s gotten out of had and we won’t do it again. They would have a period of time where they would not talk then Rinse and repeat. Want to know how many times it was rinsed and repeated, am I being silly? I know what happened he has told me all about the events and what was said so am I being too anal about this now and do I need to put a lid on it and move on?. I ask because I’m starting to get angry with myself at times because it’s like I’m looking for something that is not there if that makes sense.

Thank you for your kind words they are helping more than you know.

First I am sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family.

As a betrayed you have to learn acceptance. Accept the info provided. Accept the cheater may be trying (even if causing more damage at times). Accept you will never get 100% of the truth or 100% accuracy (Especially since it happened awhile ago).

Does it matter if it’s 8 kisses or 10 or 1? He lied. He cheated. Those are the facts.

Reconciliation is nit easy (neither is Divorce). But if you are both committed to R, then recognize its two steps forward and one step back at times.

The worse part is dealing with people who will not admit to an affair or that multiple EAs occurred over the years. Your H had the courage to admit what he did. That’s a bold move. And hopefully paved the way for better results and communication in your marriage.

It is possible some professional counseling for you, independent of your spouse, can help you. You are experiencing trickle truth which is horrible. But hopefully that stops and you can stop taking those backward steps.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:21 PM, Sunday, February 16th]

He's furious that EAP disclosed information??

Could he feel....BETRAYED??? How does he like those apples?

Wow.

Cooley I love your comments they give me life.

Thank you for your kind comments and this is where I am so far with added bits of information.
We’re now 8 weeks past DD and I now know this, H first kissed this colleague in Dec 2019 after giving her a lift home they both agreed it was a mistake and it would not be repeated, they kept their distance a while and slowly started talking again which turned in to flirting and talking dirty then in May 2020 when giving her a lift home H pulled over in a lay-by where they started kissing and had sexual contact, he stopped apologised dropped her home and at work the next day apologised again and said it’s gone too far it will not happen again.
H said they just talked again for another 8 months or so then the flirting started again and the talking dirty then she would start asking him for a lift home again, he claims that he was lying to himself when I asked him why he was repeating the behaviour, he’d say to himself he wasn’t doing anything wrong because they weren’t having sex or anything. Around April/May 2021 he kissed her on two occasions after dropping her off home which lead to a second incident of kissing with sexual contact, again apologies and a brief no contact which only lasted a couple of months until in September they ended up kissing again then in the same week kissing again and she asked him in to her house, he went in they started kissing she took his hand to go upstairs and he said he couldn’t do it and walked out.
The next day at work he said she was pissed and called him a chicken, he believes she actively was chasing him at this point asking what their relationship with each other was to which he would reply were friends, I’m married you know I’m married I can’t give you anything. She would ask him to go for a drink with her, she’d ask him to come in her house when he dropped her home saying she would give him a blow job, he’d say not today maybe another day, she would ask him to be friends on Facebook and he said no and she’d also told him if your wife ever contacts me I’ll tell her everything.
He claims he needed to keep her sweet so she’d not contact me so they remained friends and he’d still give her a lift home but no kissing or sexual contact. At this point he put in for a transfer of department which he got in January 2022 so he didn’t have any contact with her at all because they started at different shift times (and this is the bit which completely throws me), his shift went back to normal time and he would see he walking for the bus after work, he’d given her a few lifts again no kisses or sexual contact then in April 2022 he picked her up drove her home pulled over in a lay-by they were talking at first then flirting kissing and again sexual contact, he stopped and said he got angry which AP confirmed he shouted at her because she said ‘relax you’re not a bad man these things happen’. H said he told her he would not be giving her any lift home again because he couldn’t do it anymore and she got upset, he told her they were still friends and he’d talk to her if they bumped in to each other but he couldn’t take her home anymore.
H said he’d see her starting early at work he thinks so she could talk to him but he would avoid her and go in to another entrance until June 2022 she’d waited for him over an hour after his shift, she said she was waiting for a taxi but H said he thinks she wanted to see him. He took her home and said to her you weren’t waiting for me were you?, because I’ve told you there’s nothing between us. She said no no I wasn’t and that was it. He hasn’t seen her since.
This thing at work was an at work thing only,
I didn’t have a clue
H and I always together
He never went anywhere outside of work with her
Never kept in contact with her outside work
Didn’t have sex or oral sex with her ( confirmed with a polygraph)
H tells me she was just someone at work that got out of hand a few times and he got rid of her in the end.
H tells me he didn’t have any feelings for her and he could have had sex with her many times but didn’t, I think he feels this makes me feel better- it doesn’t.
I struggle daily trying to work out what the heck this ‘thing’ was but I can’t figure it out because I’d never be so stupid to do something like this.
Both H and AP have told their accounts of things he claims it was a EFF up she claims at the time she thought she was in love with him WTF!.
Trying to remember that this happened nearly 3 years ago is mind blowing and I get very frustrated and angry if H claims he can’t remember something or how many times something happened.
Because H and AP have different accounts and views about this ‘thing’ that went on it’s extremely difficult for me to try and get an understanding of things so I just try to stick with the facts.
It ended nearly 3 years ago
No sex
No oral sex
When I look at these facts I ask myself what on earth did he think he was doing? What did he get? What was going on in his head?. Maybe a male opinion on this may help if someone could help?, what on earth was it?.
I guess nothing makes any sense to me and that’s what I’m struggling with most.
We’re working on R which I believe is going well so far, H is working on himself and knows his weaknesses and boundaries issues also the fact he doesn’t like himself very much and needs others validation. I’m trying to heal taking each day at a time, I think to myself I can’t let this ruin my 25 years marriage and destroy our children and our future together, although H is broken and needs fixing he did do the right thing in the end, he told me my reality, he did not need to, he’s doing everything right and has done for the past 3 yrs he’s been the perfect husband the only problem is I’m heartbroken.

If you got this far thank you for your time.

Dear Bruce, I am so sorry you are going through hell with this. I also think that in time you will get a clearer picture of who your WH really is. If his cousin thought he was doing him favors, what does that say about the family he grew up with. And the roles they assign to male sexuality. I have the same issue here. I think my sex addict prostitute-using WH got this from his father and his mates in the Air Force. There is something we cannot explain about this and nobody I have ever found talks much about it. But I think something must be going on in his head now to prompt him to try and clear up his past. The trouble is, he is dumping it on you, the unsuspecting wife, without considering how it will affect YOU. This angers me on your behalf.

I actually wonder if your WH is "on the spectrum," because what you say he tells you is that his stories revolve 100% on HIMSELF. (I realize you are asking him to self-reveal. But there just seems a stream of "I, I, I...") People with autism spectrum disorder, formerly called Aspergers Syndrome, truly cannot "mirror" the other person's reality in real time as they narrate a story. They don't know how to gauge another person's reactions, or how their words may hurt, etc. They see us as recipients of their reality, basically. (I'm married to one, so I can relate.) If that is the case with him, I don't think you can expect him to grasp how much every new bombshell revelation he thinks sharing with you will help heal HIM by confessing his self-loathing is actually damaging YOU in real time. Not so jokingly, maybe he should go see a priest, as you are not responsible for him fixing himself. I agree with Cooley2here in that.

My first thought on your WH's story was that his miserable cousin had deliberately introduced him to a dark world several times during your marriage AND WHO KNOWS HOW MANY TIMES BEFORE YOU MARRIED? (I found out years later my WH's habit started at age 20 after he swore and declared he'd never done such a thing before. Not true....so brace yourself in case there is ever more to it than what he's admitted to, which sounds like it is accurate so far as it goes. But how far back can he go?)

Still, as time goes on and the shock wears off, who is caring for you in learning about this? Please find some in real life support now. I know in the early days we want to understand. I used to post a lot on the sex addict forum mentioned above. I asked a million questions because none of it made sense. The thing I'm thinkging is your WH might have told himself whatever he was doing at work paled in comparison to his cousin's "gifts." It's all sex to a person who thinks only of their own pleasure.

I'm different than many women in that I felt after D-Day 1 that I'd have been more understanding about an EA than my WH's meaningless one-night stand with a prostitute the same day he left our marriage bed! I even had a marriage counselor say to me that "at least he wasn't in an affair with these prostitutes, many women would be more hurt by that." I was like "Hey, if he felt he loved somebody else more than me, please just let me know. Don't let the door hit you in the ###. Bye-Bye. I've had that happen before. I'd survive. But trying to understand his tears and how he swore he loved ME and yet just go out and F some stranger? I do not understand that one bit!" So we are all different I guess.