SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need some advice or support or just hope really. I’ve spent the months since D-day trying desperately to fix my husband and his depression in the hope that if I can fix him, I can save the marriage. Which is what I felt like I needed to heal myself and feel safe. However, I’ve come to understand with help of my IC that I can’t fix him or do the work for him. He has to do it. And he is…. Not the way I would like him to do it but he is doing it. The problem there is that his best friend from high school died unexpectedly in a freak accident so he is also grieving that. And we just discovered that his testosterone is super low so he has an appointment next week to begin treatment for that.

So if I’m going to let him focus on healing himself and doing the work to become a safe partner, then I need to focus on myself. But I don’t know how!! I know that sounds weird but for so many years I’ve focused on him and my two girls. I don’t even know what I want to do when I have free time. I love to read but it’s hard to concentrate. I just feel like I can’t relax or focus on anything else with all this crap hanging over my head. I’m just in so much pain that i literally want to crawl in my bed and never ever get up. Since that’s not a feasible option, what can I do?

Love yourself more.
When you were little, did you ever get the message many of us girls did, that your ultimate role in life would to be someone else's nurturer, someone else's supporter, primarily? To the point where you felt your own life had no value outside of those roles the world expected of you? I know this was heavily pushed on me, as I was the oldest of 4 stairstep kids and got assigned Mother's Big Girl Helper from a very earky age.

You must love that little girl just for who she is, not who she helps. Helping is beautiful and noble, but it doesn't exclipse your value as a person. Sometimes it is easy for us to lose sight of that.

Well aren't you the smart one. You've realized a few major things - you can't do it for him and you can't hide under the covers. So in that respect you are off to a good start in YOUR healing journey.

But I don’t know how!!

You have come to the right place. I'll share a few things that worked for me. Others will be along to do the same. You will find the things that will work from you therein. It won't happen fast or overnight. But it will happen I promise.

I took long walks. Sometimes with an audiobook. Sometimes with music blaring. Sometimes just listening to the sounds of nature. And sometimes with tears flowing down my face. But I did it.

I took myself on coffee dates. I drink it hot and black so it was a cheap date LOL. But I'd sit and let my mind go blank. I'd people watch while slowly savoring every sip. It was sanity in a cup.

I wore my cute undies all the time. I felt a little more...extra when I did. It made me smile a bit when I'd put them on knowing they were for me and me alone. They made me happy.

I wore lip-gloss and mascara for the same reason.

I used the good shower gel and lotion. I used the deep conditioner on my hair. I used the fancy bath bomb I was "saving". I took extra care of myself.

I crochet. I made blankets/hats/scarves. I donated them to various charities that had a need for them. Great thing to do to keep the hands/mind occupied. Those in need benefit. All with the added bonus of stabbing something with a stick and twisting.

I took myself on dates. Book signing by local author - I went. Soft opening of a new local coffee house - I went. Exercise class that sounded interesting - sign me up. Local charity event - I'm there.

I slowly reclaimed myself. It took time. And sometimes I didn't feel like doing any/all of the above. I did it anyway.

Since you aren't yet aware of what focusing on you means, my reco is to try out some activities and stay mindful.

And give yourself a lot of breaks. You're dealing with very difficult work - of course you can't concentrate on what you read ... yet.... Of course you can't read for pleasure ... yet.

Keep at it. If you like the results of an activity, do more of that activity. If you don't like an activity, do less or just stop.

And move. Moving one's body does wonders.

I agree with Chaos (and probably with your IC). You've learned some extremely useful lessons - and asking how to find yourself is one of the first steps in building a good life for yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:50 PM, Friday, February 7th]

When I was finally able to separate myself a bit emotionally from the us issues and really take a look at myself, I was surprised how little attention I had focused on my needs over the years. I’m great at being a great wife and mom but I really lost a lot of me on that journey.

The infidelity trauma took my favorite thing from me - the ability to read and enjoy a book. I still struggle now to read a few a year, when I used to read one a week, but it is slowly coming back to me. I replaced books with tv series but it’s hard to stay away from the triggery stuff. My adult kids got me watching cartoons like Rick and Morty and I found myself laughing with them in time. I focused on cleaning out my cabinets and storage closets and rediscovered some things I had left behind - music, photography, creative cooking and gardening to name a few - and I also pursued new things I had never tried before, all centered on self care and wellness. I have made soaps, body lotions, infused oils, healing balms. I have started flower and herb gardening, and drying, pressing or infusing flowers, as well as seed collecting and pollinator garden spreading. I have started hiking again, butterfly and birdwatching and too many things to count since my old life imploded. There is a trickle down of loveliness in the wake of so much sadness. I have flowers everywhere, fresh baked bread and I can cook some great comfort food, using mostly the foods I now grow myself. It’s been a lot of hot, hard dirty work to gardening, but an incredible distraction. That we have gone on this gardening, cooking and baking journey together has helped the healing a bit too, but I didn’t do this for us, I did it for me.

There are times when I feel like I am a bit manic in my attempts to rediscover, distract or soothe myself, but I am giving myself free rein to figure out who I am again. There have been both happy and disappointing surprises, but taking the time to really look at my life and how I spent my time before, and how much energy went to others while I went tired or drained, it has opened my eyes to how much of me I had lost in what I thought was a good life. I read enough self help books and had enough therapy now to see the things I was missing and to let go of the trauma holding me back and the guilt I felt daring to focus on myself. Recognizing the effects of the trauma and shock on my nervous system and learning to step out of the fight flight freeze cycle helped me a lot too. So much to that inability to relax and focus is rooted in the brain being stuck in the trauma.

At my lowest, I made myself make soup. I took care of myself like I would the kids if they were sick. Tea, soup, warm blankets, mindless tv. If you find yourself in pain, try making some soup, even if it’s just the canned stuff to start. Work up to the grandma level cooking. I found the chopping, stirring and even the clean up to be therapeutic, especially since I was doing this to help heal me. I took a lot of soaks in the tub, listening to spa music, trying to see how long I could go between intrusive thoughts. I also recommend just getting outside. Take a walk, anywhere, especially somewhere new. Outside helps calm me still, I think it’s the visual and sensory distractions. I started logging how long/far I walked, and ended up with a fit bit, which reminds me to get out of my head and out the door.

Good luck and hang on to the knowledge that your mind will calm itself in time and you will hopefully make some happy discoveries about yourself on your journey.

I feel this so deeply. I was there. Nothing I did, even if it was something I enjoyed a great deal before D-day, was enjoyable in any way. I loved writing, but there I was, in front of the computer with an empty Word document staring at me, the words just wouldn't come out. I couldn't even enjoy spending time with my children or grandchildren. The world was hazy and dreary, even though the sun was shining.

It took me a long time to realize what you have already realized. I needed to focus on me! Like the others have said, you might need to try a few things to get back in the groove. Something that you didn't think would be something you'd like might turn out to be something you love. Pick up something you might have given up in the past. I did a lot of walking as well, letting my mind ruminate and wander where it wanted. I journaled. Started putting together puzzles again. Took myself out to lunch. Started working on my own FOO issues in therapy. Wore fun clothes that I thought matched my personality. Speaking of personality, I began to let it shine through and not through the lens of my WH or children. I realized I was much more than just a wife and mother. I was ME. I even bought myself a crown and wore it out when I was feeling a need to give myself a boost.

IDK, what works for one doesn't always work for another. I sure hope you find your way, whatever that way may be.

I can totally relate, and I did many of the same things others have done—walks outside (bundled up in the cold with sad tears running down my cheeks at times) while listening to fiction or self-help books or music, shopped for new clothes/underwear to make myself feel good, yoga, massage, gym, journaling my feelings, talking to a friend, errands, small household projects like organizing a closet, volunteering at animal shelter. Did I feel like doing any of those things—most of the time I didn’t. And some days I just couldn’t even force myself to do much at all because I couldn’t stop crying. But I made sure to at least do something out of the house every day, even if it was just a walk or grocery run. I also started writing in a small notebook by my bed every night, just one good thing that happened that day. Some days it was as simple as "didn’t cry today" or "2 dogs got adopted during my shelter shift", but there is always something to write. And now, almost 4 months after DDay I can look back and realize that while it didn’t feel like it at the time, all those things helped little by little, to get me back to feeling like myself again. And the better I felt, the more my marriage has been able to grow into something much stronger and healthier than what we had before. It really does get better, no matter what the outcome. The pain becomes less raw as time does its work. It’s not all puppies and rainbows, but it won’t always feel like you’re in a bottomless pit of despair either. Take care of yourself and realize you are doing your best with an impossible situation.

I started a garden, I built a dog training/competition site and start4d doing a lot of training with my dog, went on hikes (both solo with my dog and with other do owners), I started taking myself out by myself (and with friends) out to places i enjoyed, I start4d bike riding and working out again. I also went to the spa more regularly and pampered myself. I took up crocheting again and started small projects at first and worked up to bigger projects. I did some crafting. All of this wasn't in one go. It was a few things at first,and I gradually built up to more hobbies. I also startrd listening to podcasts in German and Spanish so I could regain proficiency. But if I didn't already speak these languages, I would have taken some courses at the local college. Are there any topics you would like to learn or learn better? Maybe teach?
Start with just a few small activities that get you out and moving. Save the indoor stuff for nights that you aren't busy.

Superesse— ironically I was a super feminist little girl when I was growing up. I thought I would never get married and have kids because it seemed boring. I wanted to be the first female president! My mom was a stay at home mom and she loved it but she and my dad weren’t happy and ended up divorced. I wanted a different life. But I met my husband and fell in love. And now I feel like I’ve betrayed the little girl that I was because all I do is take care of people like you said. And even though I have an outside career, it’s in education so I’m basically taking care of people there too.
Thanks to everyone for the great advice. I’m going to try all of it until I find something that helps. I just don’t want to hurt all the time. I hate that his A is the first thing I think about when I open my eyes. I hate being in so much pain. And it’s physical pain… like my chest aches. I’ve never known pain like this.

A teacher! Wow! Don't you bring yourself to class? You can look for yourself in your teaching, and your students will probably like you better, the more you're yourself.

Look at what you emphasize in your teaching. Are you happy with that? Do you wish you emphasized something else? Try that, assuming you can meet requirements if you do.

One of the barriers to being ourselves is often fear that one's true self won't be liked. Screw that! You're a human being like the rest of us. You're loving, lovable, and capable.

Easier said than done, I know.

I echo what everyone else said— I did all that too. (Also struggle with books now which saddens me so much.).
I adopted cats, went back to school, and did A LOT of IC. All the trauma of the A brought up piles of crap from my FOO. Getting through that has made me such a better person!

* pick up hobbies you used to do and see if they still resonate
* look for something beautiful everyday. There was one member here long ago who used to look at the sunset every night - that was his daily goal, and it helped
* court yourself. Coffee dates, lunches, a fresh bouquet, and perfect pastry from the fancy bakery, a new lipstick, a pedicure.
* focus on your health. Exercise, healthy eating, those overdue doctor appts that may have been skipped in all the chaos.
* volunteer. It’s a great way to try out lots of different things and see what you enjoy.

Most of all, say Yes to things. Try new things. Open your mind to trying new things.

And trust that you will find you again. And I think you will like you, too :-)

I can’t tell you how to not feel your pain. But I want you to know that you are not alone. And I can share with you some of the things I did that helped me through the darkest times.

I have also felt that pain in my chest. Betrayal is a trauma. I felt like I’d fallen from a great height or had been hit by a truck. Sometimes I even felt like I could actually feel the knife in my back. Like you, I found concentration to be hard work. My mind kept going over the betrayal as I tried to understand what happened and why. So the quiet moments were the most difficult. I couldn’t enjoy reading or even watching a ball game on television. I had been an avid golfer. I used to use the quiet moments on the course while I was waiting my turn to hit the ball to think about how wonderful my wife was and how much I loved her. After Dday, those quiet moments were torture. I quit golf.

So, here’s what I did. I did physical things that did not require a lot of concentration. I went to the gym. I ran, and ran, and ran. Then I biked. I found that an exhausted notsogreat could sleep better and was less likely to ruminate. My Dday was 2 Jan and we lived in a snowy place. I shoveled snow until I couldn’t lift the shovel. My neighbors thought I was an angel. They’d come home from work to find clean driveways. Looking back, I may have been channeling Forrest Gump.

One last thing. You seem to be down on being a teacher because you merely "take care of others." Taking care of others is what all professionals do, even presidents (at least the good ones). I have had a few careers, military aviator, JAG, and state AG. I also had a 2 1/2 year stint during covid as a full time 5 days a week child-minder. That time with my granddaughter was the most rewarding work I ever did. There is no higher calling than serving others, especially if you can help them become able to take care of themselves. Like teachers do. I have been thanked for my service many times. At one point I thought that I really should thank my teachers for their service. They were the ones who gave me the chance to serve. So I wrote several of them. And now I am writing to you. Thank you for your service.

Now go exhaust yourself and know that while the pain never goes all the way away, you will get stronger and you will cope with this trauma and time will be your best ally.

I just read Notsogreatexpectations's reply here, and now I think what I posted earlier would perhaps sound like the opposite of what he expressed so well:

There is no higher calling than serving others, especially if you can help them become able to take care of themselves.

I have tried to live my life with that same guiding principle and sometimes, after multiple betrayals, that calling didn't seem to permit me to take care of myself adequately. I mean, I also love the calling to serve; it is known as Servant Leadership. Yet there is such a thing as "burnout," where we never really believe it is our turn for some of that nurturing we so readily dispense to others. It seems to be a push-pull kind of decision-making process and I have no better answers.

Thanks for all the great response! This has given me some great ideas.

Notsogreatexpectations— I’m not really down on myself about my job (I was a teacher and then switched to being a school librarian so still a teacher but different). I love my job…. But it can be very draining especially because I work at a low income school. I try to focus on my students, helping them find a love of reading, supporting them when they are struggling. That does give me joy. It’s just hard to give as much when I feel so empty. But I’m going to get better. I’m going to try some of these ideas and I’m going to get better. I have to!

Really glad that I misread you. You sound like you are determined to be strong. That’s what you need to be, but you are going to hit some ruts in your road. That’s par for this crappy course. When that happens, keep going. You have many friends on this site who are pulling for you.

No soliciting.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:01 PM, Monday, February 10th]

So what was something you did for yourself this past weekend?

The1stWife— well, I was actually at a dance convention / competition with my youngest daughter staying in a hotel. So while she was in classes, I got myself a fancy coffee and read my book in a comfy chair. It wasn’t much, but it was ok.

Good for you! Sometimes you just start with the little things.

I like to challenge myself. I started my own business a year after the affair. It was something I always wanted to do and I was glad I did it.

Sometimes just a soak in a nice warm bath was enough.

Keep posting the things you do for yourself. I’m interested in your journey.

I got myself a fancy coffee and read my book in a comfy chair.

Good for you! Sounds like a lovely decadent coffee date with yourself.

It wasn’t much, but it was ok.

AdLarue17 we disagree there. It was HUGE because it was a first step. And you did it!