SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I came across a FB reel from Dr. Jake Porter that kinda made me stop to rewatch it a couple of times and I’m bringing it here to see what SI thinks.

In this reel he mentions that after a betrayal is experienced it is understandable that a BS wants to hold the betrayal over the WS head as a means of keeping them from "reoffending" … a constant reminder if you will of the pain and damage they have caused.

He states that while this is highly common, shaming someone into submission is not a proven or effective strategy to prevent further offending behaviour. But what has been shown to "lessen the risk" is in fact the WS being shown forgiveness by the BS. Essentially, a WS who is being shown/offered forgiveness is a contributing factor in positive changes for a WS … lessening the chance of repeating past offending behaviours.

Thoughts?

Do you have a video title you can provide? (SI doesn't allow links I think).

That message can be interpreted a lot of different ways depending on the specifics.

BS need to know the difference between shame and guilt. Shame is self directed. Guilt is outside directed. Actual shame over hurting someone will be shown over time. Guilt has a shelf life and if the WS says get over it then there is very little self directed shame. I think BS need to be very honest with themselves about who they are really married to. Someone who brushes off how bad their behavior is/was is not a good spouse/so.
It is very easy for bs to lie to themselves. I have done it. It was a long time ago and my WS grew up but I do not think he was totally committed to our marriage until he did.

I think eventually there has to be forgiveness.

I see people talk about how they bring it up over and over month after month, year after year, holding it over their head.

I usually don't post on those threads, but eventually you either forgive and forge forward or you should let that person go.

It shouldn't be a life sentence of anger and shaming.

Hi HBW,

I know sometimes those reels can be taken wrong since they might be part of bigger context. I am guessing he may be talking about someone who is intentionally trying to punish the wayward, as opposed to make efforts to heal and reconcile. I know from him and many other sources, it is known that talking about the affair is needed for real recovery. In fact, the betrayed often has to ask the same questions literally hundreds of times to reprogram their brain. May God comfort you.

I haven’t seen the video, but I agree that shaming and holding things over people isn’t a healthy or helpful response to bad behavior.

I also believe that forgiveness is part of the picture of reconciliation and restoring a relationship.

But ultimately I don’t think it’s good to draw links between how a person responds to betrayal and the likelihood of the betrayer reoffending. Ultimately whether a person reoffends is about them and their character and choices. We should be advising victims to respond in ways that promote their healing and well-being, not by making them responsible for their partners choices.

[This message edited by Grieving at 1:14 PM, Friday, February 14th]

mardandra

I don’t have a video title, it came up and it just captured my attention and left me wondering. I’m sure if you Google his name it will come up.

Cooley2here

Thank you for responding. I always throw those words around shame, guilt, remorse, the list is endless. Sometimes I don’t stop to really understand the true definition behind them.

nomudnolotus

I very much agree. I’ve heard forgiveness isn’t even necessarily for the WS, but more for yourself. I haven’t reached that part in my healing journey yet.

I’ve been in an awful funk lately with bringing it up day after day. I don’t really even know why, it’s not doing me or my H any good. Honestly, I don’t really have a "need" too, other then I just want to make this hill tougher to climb (for him).

WoodThrush2

I am guessing he may be talking about someone who is intentionally trying to punish the wayward, as opposed to make efforts to heal and reconcile.

This is exactly how I interpreted it. Sadly, this is exactly what I’m doing. Even more sadly, I feel entitled to it. I hate it.

Grieving

I agree that shaming and holding things over people are not healthy or helpful. I’m 100% guilty of this … but I just can’t seem to stop this behaviour.

I also agree that everyone has choices to make and that those choices can only be made by that individual. However, if there is an "incentive" for people would that play a part at all in their choices or how they make their choices or is it strictly ones morals and character?

I think a WS earning genuine forgiveness is necessary for R.

A BS offering cheap forgiveness is not useful. This is just a soft way of condoning the behavior.

Janice Spring's "How Can I Forgive You" is a great book on the subject (but I don't recommend her book "After the Affair" since it's a little blame shifty for my tastes).