Firstly, thanks for reading through My Story. I've lurked here on occasion and became a member last week, feeling I needed to share my burden with others who have experienced the pain of infidelity. I read one post in Just Found Out that brought me to tears. I imagine that has happened to many on this forum.
My Story: In Sep, 2022 I visited a very good friend and his wife who live in Alberta (I'm in BC). It was a planned trip that we try to fit in once a year. After I used his bathroom, I remarked that his scale isn't accurate. He replied that it was. That brief exchange marked the beginning of this journey, which started with the realization, after a number of walks and a lot of talking with him, that I had been suffering from PTSD, at least to some extent. I had lost eleven pounds (I was 118, so that is weight I couldn't afford to lose) without even knowing it. Together we reasoned I had been experiencing PTSD from the trauma I had when my 1st wife had an affair 27 years prior, which was likely triggered by concerns in my current marriage of 24 years, concerns that had been manifested in my body for a few months, but had not yet reached my head. Until my visit to Alberta. This is when fear and worry became my reality.
In the fall of 2021, my wife took a position as a medical office assistant with a local doctor, who was opening an extended access clinic in addition to his general practice. Since his newer clientele were on the wealthier side, able to afford the $500 or so monthly fee, there was a concierge element to the position. She was ideally suited for this, loved the job, and I was fully supportive. Partway through 2022, they began meeting Fridays after the last patient left. They met alone for two to three hours at the fancier E.A. clinic. I understood and supported this, especially knowing there were a lot of moving parts in establishing the clinic and building systems and a patient base. At least I thought I supported it, as there was a deeply rooted concern that began to fester, then ramped up when they introduced wine and appetizers to their meeting. This concern became known to me during my September visit.
After returning from Alberta, I approached my wife, shared my concerns, and asked if there was anything I had to be worried about. She reassured me there wasn't, and I believed her. In truth, perhaps at that point there wasn't, but it was apparent to me later on that the appropriateness roadblock had been nudged forward. In mid-October 2022, when using a shared laptop, I discovered she had an email account I was not aware of. Unfortunately, I also discovered she and the doctor had had daily email communication going back several months. Much of it was relatively innocuous, but some messages brushed up against flirtation, and a few were most definitely inappropriate. After mulling over my options, and seeking wisdom from my Alberta buddy, I confessed to her I had read through her private emails, apologized, but also expressed concern, clearly stating my opinion some of the communication was inappropriate. She disagreed, lovingly, but firmly.
Over the next two months, things only got worse. Not worse in terms of our relationship, as it had always been strong, loving, supportive, with affection and intimacy, even during these incredibly difficult weeks. But worse in terms of my worry, concern, fears. I was frequently brought to tears as I thought through things and sorted my emotions. Worse in terms of what I eventually came to understand was her gaslighting me. I'd share with her, mostly by email, of my growing concerns, several times restating my belief she was continuing to nudge the roadblock further down the road. Her response was always one of "I'm 100% committed to you". There's so much more I could write about this very dark three months, but I don't want to make this post longer than it's already going to be.
I received an email from the doctor in early December, 2022. My wife had shared some of my concerns with him and told him I was seriously considering not attending the coming Christmas party. That was my first opportunity to share my concerns directly to him, mentioning the emails, citing a couple examples of messages I thought were inappropriate, and asking him to establish boundaries at work so as to protect my marriage - and his. He replied saying he would, and included an apology. Nine days later they had sex at his clinic.
I had told my wife after the initial sharing of concern over the email exchanges that I wouldn't read her private emails again. However, I did continue to monitor them, without reading, until I noticed one that had hearts in the preview text that shows in the inbox. That was devastating beyond words. It was the day after they had a second physical encounter, with the message expressing love. It was obvious they had been intimate. That was Dec 18, one week before Christmas. I confronted my wife that evening, and that propelled us into two weeks of emotional talks, both of us seeking IC, and lots of inward work to consider how we proceed. Prayer as well. And lots of tears. In one of our talks, she told me she was looking at how a polyamorous arrangement could look. She wasn't necessarily adopting this as a position, just thinking of it as one way to move forward. I knew beyond doubt this was not an option for me.
In another of our talks, I put forth a hypothetical question: if you had to choose between staying married to me and giving up your job and relationship completely, or keeping your job and giving up your marriage, what would you choose? Without hesitation, she said she would choose the job, framing it that she wouldn't want to be "told what to do". How could a beautiful marriage of 24 and a half years so quickly turn on its head?
How she answered that question sat with me for a couple of days. Through that, prayer, seeking out wise counsel from my friend, and a zoom session with my counsellor, I knew what I had to do. Not what I wanted, but what I needed to do. On Jan 4, 2023, we went for a walk and I announced separation, clearly telling her that while I knew what lay at the end of this road, my palms would remain open for change. When we reached our home, I also exclaimed to her "this is my house, these are my kids (we had two girls in our marriage, who were 16 and 13 at the time), I'm not going anywhere. When this happened in my first marriage, I chose to move out of the house into an apartment. In Feb, 2023, she wrote me a letter, telling me among other things, that our marriage was over. The doctor had also pulled the plug on his marriage.
I know this is really really long, but it feels good to share it. We went through mediation in July, 2024, and the divorce was official in November. There has been so much pain, emotion, anger. The tear well has pretty much ran dry, but the poison of anger continues to course through my veins. I started dating my second wife a bit less than a year from separation from my first wife. I truly fell in love, and it felt so good. The marriage always felt so good and right. Until it didn't. Falling in love so soon after my first wife's affair helped dissipate the anger, so this time it's been an entirely different, and much much more difficult, experience. The anger hasn't been reserved solely against my wife. The doctor she began employment with in 2021 had been my doctor for 20 years. Plus I had done contract work for him for 15 years. So much broken trust. So much anger.
Fast forward to today. I find it difficult, at times, to focus on my work. I have a home based business and I've been behind ever since the fall of 2022 when this journey began. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened. That I don't feel some amount of anger towards my former spouse, and former doctor. The younger daughter, who just turned 16, has lived with me since the separation. She has mental health concerns so that is another weight on me.
Two last things. I've had incredible support from many. My church, pastors, my Alberta buddy, my family, my two children from my first marriage. In fact, my eldest daughter, 35, has been the self-appointed president of the "we're in your corner, dad" support team. Lots of love to carry me through these dark times. Secondly, despite the enormous loss and accompanying pain of infidelity (for a second time), there have been positives. I have a closer relationship with all four of my children. My family of origin too. Also a deeper kinship with my Alberta friend (we married sisters, mine being my first wife, who died of cancer in 2020, and his being his first wife, who died 15 years ago, of a brain tumour). We've remained close friends through all the journeying we've done, the trials, the losses, the victories, everything. The most impactful of these positives is the relationship with my 16 year old. Challenging at times for sure, but full of moments to celebrate.
If you've read to the end, my thanks. A burden shared is half the weight. I would be interested to hear how other BSs have managed life and in particular, the anger. I know things will get better. I believe God has some wonderful things in store for me. Still, I'm wanting to move beyond this place I've been sitting in. Embrace my new reality, and with it new opportunities, and, perhaps, someday, a new relationship. It's just so hard to get there.
