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So the anniversary of my WS’s ONS has arrived. Dday was a few days later, although I knew he’d done something anyway immediately.

I was supposed to be at work, was dreading it slightly but thought can it really be that bad? Does it mean anything that it’s the annviersary? It’s not like it’s happening again?

It’s hit me like a ton of bricks and I’m quite surprised by how sad I’ve woken up. I’ve called in sick to work. Kids are at school, WS is at work.

I didn’t think I’d need it but I’m giving myself the day to wallow. Finally admitted to my WS that I have been struggling again, but kind of shut down any response from him which was probably silly. I said I don’t want to talk about it but this is how I’m feeling and I need a little space for a few days/weeks. Had a bad day yesterday too. One of my kids brought up a little family trip we took not long after DDay, was saying how much fun it was and could we do it again, and all I could think was that trip was probably the worst few days of my life, trying to act like we were all good and having a great time and I was literally filled with rage and sadness and confusion, I was just distraught. It was a horrific trip and I cried myself to sleep in the hotel.

He’s doing everything right now, but it took him almost the whole year to put those changes into place.

I’m going to let myself sit with the misery and the grief and the pain of the last year for today, and then I’m going to put on my big girl boots and carry on.

I am struggling to accept the good things lately, after so much rubbish, so any advice on how to do that would be greatly appreciated.

It's ok to give yourself grace and practice self-care. Anti-versaries are tough. My dday1 was in 2018, and this is the first year that I didn't feel depressed at the time of the anti-versary.

The first anti-versary, I wallowed in bed. I didn't even get dressed.

Taking a day to wallow is ok every once in a while. Just don't stay there.

My 1st antiversary was actually a relief.

OTOH, for the 22 weeks before the 1st antiversary (from the antiversary of the start of the PA to d-day), I was a wreck and very ineffective and unproductive.

Be kind to yourself. You are not out of line - and if you were, that would be OK, too.

Thank you for the replies.

The day is almost over and honestly I feel better for having the day to myself and I’m glad I took the day off work. I feel ready to move on from it and hopeful that we’re starting to put it all behind us and move on.

After mentioning how I was feeling to my partner last night, he came home from work very attentive and affectionate and I think that helped.

It’s quite a relief to have this day over with!

It OK to give yourself a day to wallow. There is no shame in taking the time you need.

As long as you remember to stand back up.

ETA - hugs to you.

[This message edited by Chaos at 12:49 AM, Wednesday, February 19th]