Yesterday was the anniversary of us becoming a couple. 8 years together. Dday was not long ago on December 7th. At this point, I'm feeling the walls that I've put up between us. I know that they are to protect me emotionally from someone who hurt me. In a lot of ways, I feel closer to my husband and more vulnerable. We're sharing things we never had before. We're open and honest and putting in the work. However, I can feel myself not letting his love touch my heart
He had planned a wonderful date for our anniversary. He combined elements from things we did when we were dating and added a lot of romance. Unfortunately, I feel pretty numb to the experience. Sometimes, I feel defensive and don't want to share my day or a joke with him. I feel pretty numb to him in general. Every once in a while, he will grab my hand unexpectedly and I will feel my heart flutter before everything shuts down inside. This hurts me deeply.
I'm trying to stay open and let my walls down more.
On Dday, I removed all of our photos and paintings we did together from the walls. I couldn't look at them. Logically, I believed that a 6 month affair shouldn't taint a memory from years before but it did.
Yesterday, I decided that I wanted to put in effort and make the conscious decision to move forward. I decided to put our photos and paintings back up. They are completely rearranged at this point. I needed them to be different after knowing the affair partner was in my home.
When I was finished, I laughed at how it reminded me of our marriage. It wasn't the same but that was okay, it could still be good.
It was my anniversary gift to my husband. He cried when he came home and saw everything back up. I finally put a photo of us on my phone screen as well despite feeling resistance from myself. And after reading through old cards we had written each other, I can feel myself on the edge. I can feel myself ready to feel his love or maybe fall more in love with him (I'm not sure) but I get pulled back just enough to not fall in.
Thank you all for your stories. I do have hope for the future.
