SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would love to hear about your experiences when you or your spouse were on the fence of D or R. We are currently a little past 4 months post DDay (early I know) and everyday does feel like progress is being made. I completely respect my husband for taking his time to heal and really think through what he wants for our future. I would never rush him to make a decision, but do wonder if I’m doing enough to aid in his decision. I’m working hard to be a safe partner for him and want nothing more than to make it through this nightmare I caused us. I guess I’d just like to know when you knew that R was the right choice for your marriage. Or what your spouse was doing that showed R was possible for your marriage.

I’m open to provide more background on our situation! I also have a more detailed post on my profile.

Thank you in advance for any and all advice/feedback.

Is your question does your WH want to D or R OR does he want You or AP.

Those are 2 different questions with 2 different answers.

IF he is not sure if he wants D or R he needs to make a decision that has no bearing on the AP in any fashion. This has nothing to do with anything except the 2 of you and your marriage. IF this is the case and there are no outside influences, you two should take the time you need to figure it out. Hopefully with IC/MC involved.

IF he is not sure if he wants you or AP - the fact that he has to "choose" tells you everything you need to know. You are far too good to be his back up plan. And he's enjoying keeping you both on the string while he burns the candle at both ends.

do wonder if I’m doing enough to aid in his decision.

Do NOT [and I can't stress this enough] let him put this on you. Don't let him put his affair on you and don't let him put you in a position to compete for the "prize" that is him.

Hi Karma,

I noticed that you're the WS (wayward spouse), and I commend you for looking for ways to help your BH heal. Have you read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? It has some helpful tips to help you navigate.

Healing is different for everyone and isn't linear. Please be as transparent as you can and no lying. It's going to take awhile for trust to be built. A lot rests on your actions and changing to become a safe partner.

Also, a lot depends on how your BH is healing. TBH, I was a mess at 4 months and barely functional. (Strangers stopped me in the grocery store to ask if I was ok.) Four months is still really early and he may be an emotional mess still. It wasn't until 6-9 months where I could see that I was moving forward. It was about 10-12 months where I could see my XWH (wayward ex-husband) wasn't doing the work to be safe.

When he's hit a tough spot and is in a heap on the floor, get down there with him. Be empathetic. Our lizard brains don't know the difference between getting chased down by a lion or getting betrayed by our spouse. He's going to need to get to a place where the fight, flight or freeze adrenaline is at a manageable level. It can take time.

For me, I gave myself 6 month increments to evaluate where I felt the relationship was. My hard boundary was he was to have no sexual contact with anybody but me, and he crossed the line and now we're D.

I am a year and a half out from my WH’s affair. I chose to stay BUT told him I could change my mind at any stage if I felt he wasn’t doing enough work to be a safe partner and if our marriage didn’t improve (I’m willing to admit our marriage was definitely not the best before his affair but this was not an excuse or reason for him to cheat).

There have been many times since D-Day and now that I thought I just couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to D. But he just keeps showing up by being patient and understanding. He tells me if I’m nasty or if he disagrees with what I’m saying but is respectful in doing so.

As Lea said there is no exact time you can give and everyone is different. I guess for my WH and myself you could always see small amounts of progress as time has gone on and we are both feeling a bit more confident we may get through this. For example, I never seemed to be able to go on a night out with him and have alcohol without having an argument about the affair but I just realised today (we went out for dinner and I had some wine) that I have been out with him quite a few times of late without any issue. So for me that’s another step in the right direction

For me, as the BW, it was a long time before I could accept and trust what my FWS was doing....certainly much longer than 4 months out. I commend you for asking. I don't mean this as a slight or attack...but it's gonna take awhile. This is a marathon and not a sprint. It really does take years. Certainly years longer than my FWS, or I, thought it would.

For me, it was him being there....losing his defensiveness, owning it, and doing a million small things often...even when I couldn't see them....until I could see them. For me it was him being present in ways he hadn't before. Both in day to day, and in the pain I had to process to heal myself. There were still days where we did this so imperfectly that I wasn't sure. In all honesty, I think that is the crux of being in a relationship, that uncertainty. Pre-A, I naively believed that those vows were a given that I know in some ways I assumed....given the promises that I felt compelled to keep.

For us, it was him willing to go all in, even if all in wasn't enough for me to meet him there in the aftermath of the A.

Thank you all for the feedback! I guess I should have clarified that I am the WS in our marriage, but I’m committed to working towards R and being a better spouse for my husband.

I know it will take time and a tremendous amount of effort and hard work. All of which, I am committed to doing! I know recently he’s been struggling and some days have been extremely hard. Which is why I wanted to seek some advice and see things from the perspective of others that have been in this position before.

I’ve read a lot of the books everyone has mentioned, How to Heal your Spouse, Not just Friends, and Surviving an Affair. But I’m always open to new suggestions on books or resources.

Thank you all again for your responses!

The measure of whether you, as the WS, are a good candidate for reconciliation is whether you do the work to become a better person and a safer partner without any guarantee from your husband that he will stay with you.

What Blue said.

I would never rush him to make a decision, but do wonder if I’m doing enough to aid in his decision.

One of the most important lessons that I learned from infidelity is that love is a gift that must be given from a place of generosity without expecting anything in return. Doing anything expecting to manipulate the outcome isn't a gift, it's transactional. Untether your love-gifts to him from wanting anything in return from him. Give to him without expectation, and maybe even tell him so. It feels really good and true.

My H and I separated after DDay. I wanted R, but he was still in his A. I was angry, and I asked him to leave to protect my peace. He asked me and the AP to leave him alone so that he could clear his head and think. I had a hard time with that. I wanted contact, and lots of it, and I busted his boundary quite a few times. It was so hard to be left in limbo and be out of the loop about where his head was. I finally accepted that I needed to back off, so I wrote him a note apologizing and told him that I would honor his wishes and stop trying to claw at him. I stuck it under his windshield wiper with a copy of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and walked away. I didn't ask for a response. This was my gift to him. There was, of course, a desired outcome, but I had to accept that it was not in my control. He appreciated it greatly and still commends me to this day for it.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. 6Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. 7It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

In response to SacredSoul and Blue :

Thank you both for sharing that perspective with me! I really really struggle with letting go of the outcome, but I’m trying! I can definitely start doing more for him without expecting anything in return. His presence in my life is his contribution to me trying (I shouldn’t expect anything else).

I know in my heart that even if he decides on D that we’ll both (eventually) be fine. I just have such a desire to fight for him until R is a possibility. Even on days when he says D is a strong possibility I refuse to stop trying. I just pray that we can make it past this "on the fence" stage and he can get the healing he needs.

In hindsight I see what a true blessing he’s been to my life. Genuinely the most sincere, hard working, and caring spouse. And somehow that hasn’t changed post DDay, he continues to be my best friend and support system in the midst of all of this. I have no clue how I didn’t realize how lucky I was to have him as a spouse pre-affair.

I truly appreciate everyone’s input and advice. It’s been so helpful to read everyone’s stories and advice, especially during these early hard months.

There’s nothing I love more than hearing from those that made it through the rough months/years and ended up in R. I hope I can post a happy ending story on here one day!

You’re saying, doing, a lot of the right things.

But being safe isn’t enough.

Do you love him? If so, you have to convince him of that. My WW never tried, so I can’t offer any advice about what might work.

Except, smile at him. A lot.