SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Been along time since I posted. Just stopping in to thank this place for saving me. A lot of great advice and people here. I would not be here today without this place. So much to say, but just want to say, thanks, and you can find yourself again. I hope all is well with the old timers. I owe you all a debt I can never repay.
LHAP?

It's humbling to 'see' you, LHAP? Every so often I look at my profile, see your words (quoted below), check myself and my W to see if we are following the contract, and send a thankful thought out to you into the universe.

I expect I'm not the only one who was helped by your posts. (Folks, IIRC, long ago I asked and received permission to quote Lhap? words below.)

How goes your life? There's a thread going on now about the long term effects of infidelity. I'f be interested in yourthoughts on that, if you're willing to share them.

Lordhasaplan?, 8/5/11

This is our marital contract...

This started as small list and has grown.

1. No contact with OM at all. Any attempts at contact by OM are to be brought to my attention and you are not to read anything that was sent by him, or answer phone if it is him. No conversation at all is to take place between the two of you.

2. Hard stop Deal Breakers:

a. Another affair and I am done

b. Any lies about any relationships with others I am done

c. Transparency at all times, you turn into a liar again, I’m out.

d. We don’t stop counseling without mutual agreement.

3. Complete openness for both of us, cell phones, email, any check is OK! Clothes wallet, checking acct etc…. Suspicion is now healthy for building trust.

4. Walls and Windows for both of us!

a. Never alone with another man/woman unless discussed ahead of time

b. Never alone in a car with another man/woman

c. No conversations about our marriage or any other marriage with another man/woman

d. Never bring anyone into our home without disclosure

5. Open and Honest Communication- No secrets, no matter how hard it will be to hear.

a. Discuss all attractions

b. Discuss all third party attention

c. Discuss all feelings good and bad

d. Be honest with yourself and aware of your feelings, then communicate that

6. Any questions about the affair are to be answered honestly for the rest of our life. Never be done answering questions about it.

7. Friday nights will be for scheduling our lives together.

a. Must plan at least one date night every other week

b. Must have at least 10 hour or more of our time

c. Must have at least one night of family fun time

8. Reconnecting and reassessing WE, I would like to do this daily but realize it won’t happen over time but once a week we can do this at least.

9. Meeting each others emotional needs. Reassessing how we are doing every quarter. Always have the conversation when they are not.

10. Contact about comings and goings at all times.

11. Do one thing special for each other a month, Give rather than take!

12. DS’s activities are a top priority for both of us. Any conflicts are to be discussed and addressed together.

13. We don't do anything in absence of one another that we wouldn't do in the others presence.

14. Confidants must be "friends of the marriage" and must be mutually agreed upon.

15. Social Happy Hours (outside of actual work functions) are to be attended together or not attended at all.

16. We never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between us.

Sisoon,
We still check our contract, though not as often as we used to. Much of it remains set in stone and has created a foundation for our new marriage. I am so grateful for this place; I should log in here more often and try to pay it forward. I sometimes stop and land on the JFO thread, and it is hard to read and contribute as it brings up emotions that I usually don’t feel without being put back in that frame of mind. However, it is great to see you still here, along with Bigger, etc. There's always so much going on; DS is preparing to graduate from college. But I need to get on here more. I’ll look for the thread and see if I have anything to contribute. Peace to you! LHAP?

I owe you all a debt I can never repay

Friend – as-is you have something like 2100 posts to your name.
Even if we assume half were about you and your situation and issues then that leaves over a thousand posts you have made to others and for others. That’s at least the first installment of payments for whatever good you got from this site.

Bigger! Great to "see" you. I hope you are doing well and enjoying life. You were always such a big help to all of us. Glad to see your still sharing knowledge for those who need it.
LHAP?

lordhasaplan?

Thank you so much for coming back and adding some positivity!

Sisoon thank you for reposting that contract. I was forming something along those lines myself and it helps to have something to reference.

I woke up having a difficult time this morning, and this thread is exactly what I needed. Some positivity mixed with some practical. Thank you.

Theevent,
I am glad if my contract helps others formulate theirs. This was a product created by both of us and served us well. I am more convinced than ever that you have to get yourself put back together before you can put the marriage back together, if it even can be. This contract at least created some level of firm footing while we attempted to do that. It can be done, but it isn't for the faint of heart. Its not like the affair ever fully goes away. But it certainly is not preventing our new marriage from growing. You can get past it, but you never get over it.
LHAP?

LHAP?! It is so good to hear from you.

I hope things are going well. I still pop in from time to time as well. I still look at the boundaries post every now and then

Anyway sending love back your way!

Numb! So great to see you are still bouncing in. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are still enjoying R and are comfortable in the marriage still. Seems like only yesterday we were nursing each other out of this mess. It's nice to see that so many can get through this and continue to put themselves and their lives back together.
LHAP?

Wow it has been a long time. . .

Things are going well on my side. My W and are R'd.. wait does R really ever end?

Anyway I am doing good. I got one in college and one in HS.

I am happy and enjoy my life on most days. I'd never want to go through it again, but we've both grown and healed. At some point we had to stop working on the M and R so we could get on with life. I given as much grace as I can. My kids are thriving. No news is good news, right?