SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been 7 years. I’ve posted a lot here if you want to read.

Anyway I’ve come to the realization that my FWH is traumatized by things I’ve done during R. Maybe traumatized isn’t the right word.

I’m much better these days, I feel he has grown and changed and shown true remorse. The thing is that I get triggered by a lot and now he’s always hyper vigilant.

A sock is missing from the laundry? He immediately goes to find it. So many small things like he can’t find his lip balm and he thinks I’m gonna interrogate him for hours (because I have in the past). The other day I said "why did you wear that different shirt today?" I see the look on his face. It’s fear, not fear that I’ve "caught" him but the fear that I’ll have a breakdown until the mystery is solved.

I don’t know how to feel about this. I have to admit part of me is happy on some level but then I feel evil.

Does anyone know what I’m talking about???

Yeah, I get you.

In a way it can be comforting because it shows that your WS changed. Somehow that means they aren't a wayward anymore. They are guarding against anything that could ruin your day, week,etc. It shows they, now, value R and the M 2.0.

Yet at the same time you feel guilty that they are so hyper-focused on you they can't be enjoying their life. You want them to because it helps you be happy to see them happy.

Congrats! 100% normal.

My W gets this really defeated look when infidelity comes up, when I trigger, or insert thing here.

I used to be comforted by that. Not exactly sure, but likely it meant I could worry less about more lies or betrayals. Today, . . .it literally breaks my heart.

My W still needs to get things out and process things. Neither one of us is going to forget. I take that look now to mean she wants to talk about the 100 lbs gorilla in the corner (It got smaller and easier to ignore over time). I am past the traumatic responses I used to get and I have space to help her get the bad thoughts out

Talk to your H. You've both been Ring for 7 years. Maybe it is time to try less R and more just living life?

Easier said than done, but definitely worth discussing

Oh numb&dumb you hit the nail on the head and made me cry!!!!

You articulated EXACTLY what my mind was telling me!!

If walking on eggshells the rest of your life is the price of R, maybe that’s too high a price.

At some point, you both need to take a deep breath and get past it.

If walking on eggshells the rest of your life is the price of R, maybe that’s too high a price.

At some point, you both need to take a deep breath and get past it.

We don’t really. I think this is the outcome from several years.

[This message edited by brokendollparts at 7:08 PM, Tuesday, March 25th]

He traumatized himself.
He created this scenario.

I do think that since you recognized this you may be at a point you are ready to shift the focus of your marriage and that is a good thing for both of you. You care how he feels, this is also a great sign you have made it to the other side of this.

I do not have any personal experience to add. I feel like this would have been how we would have landed had he not cheated but that instantly changed the equilibrium which is a different mindfuck.

I can totally identify with this. When the A comes up, which isn't often anymore, FWH gets a deer in the headlights look. There comes a point where you no longer want to punish the W for their part of this, but also need to hold space for your own emotions around it.

Our antiversary was last month. It was late afternoon when I realized it (win for me). But I did realize it. I don't think my FWH is hyper vigilant because it took him a minute to realize it too. But, when he did....he stepped up and I was in a place where I could recognize the day for what it was years ago and it didn't ruin the present moment.

I'd count this as a win. You didn't traumatize your FWS....they took that on themselves. They had the A....but then also made the decision to do the hard work in R. The work the W does if they're truly all in of R is very HARD. TALK about it.

I remember hearing just how my FWS felt to carry the weight of causing my pain....while also trying to help do whatever he could to help me heal, help me believe he was safe, help me get through it all. Being the betrayed spouse is SO traumatic...it took some time for me to recognize the weight he carried. The guilt and trying so hard just not to set off the bomb that was me for many years was part of why I could stay. As difficult it was for me to get through the day....he was using similar effort to get himself healed....and also support me as much as he could.

Him dealing with his own trauma....that's his side of the street.

You articulated EXACTLY what my mind was telling me!

I hope they were tears of relief that someone understands. I am few years ahead of you, but you are on the right path. We had to re-learn how to just be us without R taking up so much space. It takes time to figure everything out. Rhe two forward and one back thing applies here too.

Congrats on the 7 years and wishing you many happy years in the future.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 7:28 PM, Wednesday, March 26th]

Reconciliation certainly has its bumps in the road. I love that your husband is worried and does not want to trigger you into a breakdown. The only thing I would say is that if these things are being said intentional to trigger him into worry, then I would back off on it. Does he deserve that, probably not, but in moving forward we got to try our best. I still shield my husband from some thoughts and problems from so many years ago, does he deserve that, nope, but I am the better person-- lol ! Have a blessed day.