SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I knew on february 14th that my husband was cheating on me. He was stuck at a hotel for those couple nights due to the weather, I came on over on the morning of the 14th just to surprise him, but when I texted him telling him that I was at the hotel and asking for his room number he for some reason couldn't text me back immediately. 5 minutes later and I see a women walking out to her car, a woman who I recognized and a woman who i knew was trouble. Seconds later and my husband gave me his room number, and when I arrived in the room I found my husband taking a shower.
That woman was one of his old girlfriends from high school, a woman who was recently divorced and a woman who would occasionally call my husband for some support, something I never did like. I told my husband months ago that she needed to find some female group for support, but he told me that he wanted to make sure that she was going to be okay.
Last week I finally had the guts to ask him if he was cheating on me, and he finally admitted that he was. He cried and gave me a few dozen different apologies, and all I could do was tell him to leave.
So as of right now my husband has switched truck driving jobs, he has gone from a local 9 to 5 job to a long-haul 48-State job that will keep him away from the house for a while.
We have three children, the oldest is our daughter who is 14, and as of right now none of them realize what is going on.
Yesterday my husband sent me an email telling me the truth, and that he has been seeing her since November. He was at a hotel in Portland on one of those nights, and that woman lives in Portland as well, no doubt that was the night they hooked up.
Been married for 16 years!!! He is the father of my 3 children, he was the man that I fell in love with back when I was 19. And here he is almost 46 and he is cheating on me with an old high school girlfriend who is a year older than him and has 3 children of her own.
Part of me wants to cheat on him as well, I got this small part of me that feels like i'm gonna feel better knowing that I did the same to him.
And now I am honestly wondering how much of our marriage is even real? Back in August of 2021 is when we found ourselves with an unplanned pregnancy, and my husband slowly convinced me to have an abortion, something that I was against, and now i'm asking myself if he wanted me to have that abortion because he was already with another woman?
I'm lost. I can keep typing but what's the point?!?!

Hello, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join. I'm so sorry you find yourself here but you are among members who have been through this horrible nightmare.

I have to be brief, but please find a good counselor for yourself to help you process your emotions. Also please get tested for STDS. It's been a month, and you are probably in shock and you've just boarded the emotional roller coaster from hell. One day you will be up, one day down, another just cruising along with sadness, depression, maybe clarity, and lots of confusion. All normal.

BTW, is the affair partner married? You should ask your husband for a written timeline on giving all the details of how/when/where/why the affair actually began. Are you absolutely certain he is no longer communicating with her? The first step to potential reconciliation (if you want it) is no more contact with affair partner, none, ever again, no phone calls, texts, emails, social media. All of it has to stop.

He's on the road, do you have access to the phone bills?

Please don't cheat, it will only make matters worse, why degrade yourself, and you would be no better than he is.

Do you have TRUSTED family or friends or member of the clergy if you are so inclined for support?

Does your husband want to save the marriage?

Check out the Healing Library, great articles just for some knowledge about infidelity.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you've experienced infidelity in your M (marriage). There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are also some that aren't pinned but have a bull's eye icon to mark them and they have some good information, too. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a ton of resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can help you process through your emotions. It can be such a shock to your system, and it is traumatic. Please practice lots of self-care and give yourself grace. Your WH (wayward husband) needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner and work on his issues.

Please see a doctor if you have trouble with depression or sleeping and ask for meds if you need. Also, please get tested for STDs/STIs, as there are some nasty diseases out there and your WH has put your life at risk. Dramatic? A little, but you don't want to find out down the road that something has turned to cancer...it happens.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a nice blueprint for your WH to use to help you heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Please don't go the RA (revenge affair), as it really won't help you feel better. Others have posted that it was one of the worst things they did and regretted it.

You can go see a lawyer or three to see what D (divorce) would look like for you. It doesn't mean that you have to D, but having the knowledge may help you feel better. R (reconciliation) is really hard work and both partners have to be 100% on board.

Please tap into your support system and lean on them at this time. Again, so sorry you're here.

As both Annb and Leafields have said, don't go the revenge affair route. Two wrongs do not make a right and it would make things even worse/more complicated than they are already in both the short and long term. At the moment you've got the moral high ground. Have a revenge affair and you are throwing that advantage away.

[This message edited by Attlas at 7:32 PM, Friday, March 28th]

Welcome and I’m sorry you’re here.

I’m also reiterating the revenge affair is not the way to go.

My ex’s AP was also a woman at work he was "supporting" as she went through marital problems other own. Yeah, ok. Asshat!!

Ask for what you need to be comfortable with him being in the road.

Take care of you.

How are you doing GreySky? So sorry you're here, but glad you found SI. Keep posting - you'll get great support here.

Stopped by to commiserate about the f'd up ridiculousness, yet visceral gut punch of our partners choosing to betray with a High School Girl Friend. This type of A is it's own special hell. They were willing to risk the marriage for THAT? To chase after a nostalgic fantasy that has nothing to do with reality? Hello, High School was years ago! They don't have a clue who that old GF/BF became - what kind of person they are NOW. They only remember the person the AP used to be. Hence.....fantasy. To add insult to injury, in my sitch she's a GF he didn't care that much about. She’s not a long lost first love, they weren’t kept apart by cruel fate. Their brief high school liaison ended when she cheated on him and dumped his ass for another guy! Figures, right? I don't think they’d spared each other much thought over the last 43 years. Until she fished him on FaceBook.

IMO, for the record, and to hopefully encourage you, sometimes the typical affair with a HS ex is not about "a HS relationship that never ended" or "the one that got away" or "Tru Luv 4 Ever". Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to cheat and lie! It's not about any shortcomings in you, and IMO it's not about her or how irresistible she is either. Sometimes the appeal of a HS ex (or "just an old HS friend", or brother/sister of a HS friend) is simple - they're someone who remembers the betraying partner when they were young - when they were _______________ fill in the blank (smarter, more athletic, popular, musical, notorious, a player, a leader, a party animal, a thespian, had all their hair etc. etc. etc.) Shared history also lends an easy, fake familiarity. And, if they physically bonded in HS, the re-kindling of the connection (although a fantasy) can accelerate the A from 0-60 in a surprisingly short time. Not necessarily because those early romantic experiences were The Best, but because they were The First. In my H's case - what better false mirror of his former self could an unhappy geezer gaze into than an old HS GF? Her ego kibble flavor was especially potent because she knew him back when, and they shared some early physical experiences. It was that simple. And a pathetic cliche to boot. Unfortunately, you and I aren't the only BS here whose partners betrayed with a HS ex. It's all too common.

Please take care of yourself, whatever you decide.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 11:23 PM, Thursday, April 3rd]