SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is all on my story but wanted to get it out in the open. I'm a 28 year old female, not sure if that means anything.

I virtually cheated on my husband,we have been together for 7 years, married for 4. Let me preface this by saying I hate myself for what I've done because I have been cheated on in previous relationships and have felt experienced the pain I imagine by husband is going through.Here is my explanation, this is not an excuse, just how I got here.My husband is very immature for his age and I have felt like a mother to him for awhile. I have communicated this the best I can but he does not communicate well. With that being said, we haven't tried counseling yet. We believe he is on the autism spectrum but he has not been diagnosed. This maternal feeling towards him has absolutely destroyed the sexual attraction I had for him, coupled with him not being emotionally available to me as he does not communicate well.I will add that I'm the bread winner in the home and also the house keeper since he doesn't do much without being asked. (I ask when I remember, I just work a lot of long hours.)Back in Jan, before I virtually cheated, I had tried to initiate a separation as I was feeling the temptation to find emotional/physical connection elsewhere. I wanted to try and end our relationship before making a huge mistake.I asked my husband to go live with his brother for a week after we had an argument that was my last straw. That evening I found him in our garage with the car running, windows down, him passed out inside.I've tried my best to stand by him in his recovery, but I have felt lonely and trapped as well as constantly exhausted. So against my better judgement, I downloaded tinder and started to talk to other men, but could not bring my self to physically meet up with another man.He found out and is understandably destroyed.I want to save our marriage but don't know if it's worth saving. In my heart, he is my soul mate, but the years have not been kind as we both grew into our mental health issues. Now I feel like I'm not the right person for him. I feel like I can't be in a relationship with someone this immature and dependant upon me even if it's no fault of his own.I'm working to get us into marriage counseling. Part of me wants to save our marriage but a deeper part of me is worried it shouldn't be saved. That terrifies me because without me, he literally has nothing. He would have to move back in with his parents, and I'm not sure how we would handle our pets. He can't afford his truck on his own so I would at least support him financially within reason. I'm honestly just scared he's going to try and kill himself again. I'd rather have a miserable marriage than the man who used to be my best friend be dead.

I'm confused, scared, and desperate to do the right thing after making the biggest mistake of my life...

Your thread is going to get moved to wayward side.

I always advise a BS without kids to leave. If you guys don't have kids, I would advise him the same.

I don't exactly know what you are trying to save if you are generally unhappy in your M and the affair is the shit icing on top.

Welcome to SI. There are some posts pinned to the top of the Wayward forum that you may wish to read. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great resources.

You may wish to read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a fairly easy read and provides solid guidance on how to help him heal from your A (affair). Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another book suggestion.

When he is indicating he is suicidal, call the authorities. The pain of being a BS (betrayed spouse) is horrible, and I was suicidal after dday1.

I would suggest IC (individual counseling) for each of you to work on healing and growth. MC (marriage counseling) may be later, but it is more to help your relationship. And - the M (marriage) didn't cheat, you did.

biggest mistake of my life

A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the grocery store. You made deliberate, conscious decisions to cheat. Working on finding out why and other coping mechanisms are things that you can work on in IC.

You don't want to be in a miserable marriage for the rest of your life. It takes a toll on your health and can shorten your life.

I would recommend therapy for you. There is a lot going on here and it’s hard to know what.

What I mean by that is we will use justifications to ourselves to cheat and those justifications can steer us to rewrite our marriage or focus on the worst parts of our spouses.

However, just because you cheated doesn’t mean it’s not healthier for you to leave the marriage. Some of what you describe is feeling emotionally blackmailed to be in a marriage with someone you have to take care of. That’s not good for either of you.

So I don’t know what it is yet that I am looking at. Start with therapy. Figure out what you want. If it’s truly to save the marriage then you will have to learn not to enable him and how to have better coping than just trying to find another relationship.

  Moving to Wayward Side

First of all, I would address cognitive dissonance individually:

"1- Let me start by saying that I hate myself for what I've done, as I've been cheated on in previous relationships and I've felt the pain...

2- I wanted to try to end our relationship before I made a huge mistake...

3- We believe (really, both?) that he has autism, but he hasn't been diagnosed...

4- So, against my better judgment, I downloaded Tinder and started talking to other men...

5- I want to save our marriage, but I don't know if it's worth it. In my heart, he's my soulmate..."

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 12:47 PM, Monday, March 31st]