SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, I wrote a while ago about anxiety following infidelity and got some really insightful responses - I’m here again a couple of months later due to my husband’s affair continuing. He lied and lied, I knew what he was doing due to late nights working, odd purchases and continuous lack of intimacy… I ended up hiring a PI unfortunately, as I couldn’t break my family on doubt. Anyway, it did catch him doing what I thought, with the same girl as he has been seeing for almost a year now.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and he is asking to come back, he’s sorry, he’s realised, doesn’t want to break the kids hearts or our family, it’s mental health related, midlife crisis,totally out of character - load of excuses. How do people navigate this bit? I’ve caught him doing the same thing 4/5 times now, with the same girl, who happens to be half his age… done counselling, he lied through it, he’s shown me he doesn’t love me.. but he won’t accept it and says he wants me?

How do people coparent amicably with this? How do I stop wanting to hurt him? I’m so angry, and I struggle not to sympathise when he says he’s ill. Equally I hate that he’s hurt the kids… They’re really confused. I’ve known him 17 years, and he did this twice pre-kids.

It sounds like he is out of the home, so that is a good starting point. And now that you have no doubt as to his actions...don't pay any attention to HIS words. Only HIS actions! It is often said that a cheater can figure out how to cheat and all that is required, but they can't seem to figure out how to reconcile. They want their BS to do all the heavy lifting. Nope. Hard STOP.

I don't have children, so others will give good advice on coparenting, if that is even possible with him at this point.

Have you been to a lawyer or 3? Are you able to attend individual counseling? Do you have trusted friends or family to confide in (this is NOT your secret to keep)? Have you been to a doctor for help with stress or anxiety, as well as a full STD exam/tests?

He is a serial cheater. No matter what he claims to be the problem(s), he needs to fix it. At this time your children and yourself are your priorties.

Information is power on helping with your next steps. I would make the lawyer your #1 priority.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 3:54 AM, Wednesday, May 14th]

How do I stop wanting to hurt him?

For me, it took therapy and time away from him.

How do people coparent amicably with this?

You may need to rethink the "amicably" portion of your statement. He may not make it amicable. My kids were adults, so I didn't need to coparent, so hopefully others will add some info for you. In our state (in the US), parents have to take a parenting class to put a plan in place. It's part of the D process.

Others do parenting discussions through an app, which tracks messages & info so you have it available if you need to go back to court. Others do trade-offs in parking lots if the XWS isn't playing nice.

I agree with Annie. Watch his actions because he isn't telling you the truth. He can show you with his consistent actions over time that he's changing...or not. As a serial cheater, they're notoriously bad at doing the inner work needed to change to be a safe partner.

Have you read Cheating in a Nutshell? It's got some reviews in the Book Club forum that you might find interesting. Another good book is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. The book is more focused on a physical abuser, but fits in well with inifidelity.

How old are your kids? Depending on where in the world you live, and if your kids are old enough, you might not have to co-parent as much as you think. For teens, they are often allowed to make choices on how to split the time. You don't want to stick them in the middle of the fight, but if they have opinions, you can certainly respect those (and the judge might too). It could also be worthwhile to find a good family counselor to help everyone work through their feelings about this.

As for the anger, therapy can help. So can rage rooms or burning (safely) old pictures and such. Keep it out of sight of your kids, of course. Exercise is another great way to burn off the rage.

As for mental (or physical illness), I got some wise advice here about that: whatever the explanation for his behavior, whether it's due to illness or willfulness, you are still the one who has to endure the consequences as long as you are married to him. Do you want to be the one taking care of him?