SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My story is in my bio. I found out a bit over 2 weeks ago. I am a complete mess. My wife is very empathetic and sorry and feels stupid for what she has done and what has put me through. She has been trying to initiate intimacy in bed with me. I gave in last night but it triggered me in a few ways given the details she has provided in her confession. Does anyone have advice on how to go about it? Also, wondering if trauma(hysterical) bonding is good or bad for R? I have read mixed reviews all over the internet.

[This message edited by Brokensoul89 at 12:27 AM, Tuesday, June 3rd]

So she’s now cheated TWICE on you, and then there’s this:

She is a very good looking woman that gets attention everywhere she goes.

In your bio, sounds like you blamed yourself for her first betrayal, not giving her enough attention. Dude. So many betrayed men do this - take blame upon ourselves. We do that since then it feels like "if I broke this, I can fix this". Her stepping out BOTH times had NOTHING to do with your actions or non-actions. She had the option to leave. To initiate D (divorce). But she didn’t, did she.

I’m guessing for the first time she’s now scared you’re going to end this dumpster fire of a M (marriage) and lose her meal ticket. This is why she’s suddenly begging you not to leave.

To start, the following are the WORST things you could possibly do:

- Immediately promise her R (reconciliation)
- Start MC (marriage counseling)
- Cover for her such that nobody else ever knows
- Don’t inform any OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse or girlfriend)
- Melt when you see her tears and "white knight" it by promising to fix everything
- Trust her words alone
- Believe you now have the full truth
- Lead the R effort. Drag her through R
- Believing her receiving any natural consequences for her choices would be "mean"

If you want to end up even more broken, do any of the above.

Or learn from us, and don’t make the same mistakes. Keep posting for next steps.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are really good information. There are some posts that aren't pinned that have bull's eye icons that are really good, too. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and another good source of information.

Please see your doctor to be tested for STDs/STIs as there are some nasty diseases out there. If you're struggling with sleep or depression, ask for some meds to help you through this first very rough part.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Betrayal trauma is brutal. Your WW (wayward wife) needs counseling to become a safe partner. She should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good read is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

I doubt your WW is actually feeling sorry yet. She has made deliberate steps to lie and cheat.

I think you mean hysterical bonding, which is lots of sex. Some people say to enjoy it while it lasts, while others say that it contributes to causing confusion and not allowing you to make clear decisions. So, it is up to you how you'd like to handle it.

Sorry you're here and keep posting.

I'm 100% with gr8ful on this one. I made many of the mistakes on her list and it only prolonged my suffering.

Just be careful.

During my first two weeks I was in a daze. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat much, didn't know what to do or who to talk to. I let my wife drive the situation for the most part, except for the work to reconcile.

Like you I put a lot of the blame on myself in the beginning. It took a long time for me to realize that there's absolutely no way I could have prevented her from cheating. None. The choice was 100% on her. The more I think about this the more sure I am. The more time passes the more it becomes clear that she has a lot of problems that led to this.

Left you once for six months to be with her dealer. At the very least, someone that had no qualms supplying drugs to people.
Her sister stole cash from you, and her response is to take your child and threaten divorce if you didn’t behave. She takes out a restraining order, and goes on to have an affair with her new dealer (it’s irrelevant if it was EA or PA, but I find it strange a man hangs on for 2 years for a friend).
Then two years later she gives him oral, but still has some moral qualms about crossing a line... Friend – that’s like thinking that maybe stabbing someone for the seventh time might be "too much", but six stabs is OK...

Wanted to break it off with him so as to "not hurt you" – that is like saying "sorry" to the stabbing victim above.

Friend – It’s seldom that posters can make a statement and near-guarantee it’s reliability, but here goes:

If there is no serious change in both YOU (maybe especially you) and HER then you are doomed to the next affair, the next separation, the next restraining order, the next theft, the next time your daughter is placed in an environment where your wife’s friend or romantic partner makes some cash selling drugs...

So what change?
This might be a wild guess, but her sister stole cash for dope? Your wife has twice hooked up with men selling dope? I’m guessing substance abuse is an issue in her family.
So sobriety – like total 100%, AA, 12-Step, meeting-a-day-for-100-days sobriety.
No sobriety = no chance.

Once sober – and along with sobriety – she can work on her issues, and possibly become a safe partner.

At the same time – you need to be thinking about your daughter. Want her to have the same issues as her mom and aunt? Think its good for her to be with mom and dad, mom and "friend", mom and grandparents, mom and dad, mom and "friend", mom and grandparents...

How did she get a restraining order? Those aren’t just passed out like candy. What was if for? Do you have a past of domestic violence?
Start looking RIGHT NOW at how to best ensure you have a relevant role in your daughters future and that she won’t be raised to call that cool guy that does his business in the evenings and is at best a step ahead of the cops "dad".