SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just an update, I guess, in case anyone is curious. WS and kid are out of town for a summer program. He and I have been emailing about relationship stuff, and in today's message I told him I want a full separation with an eventual divorce. His immediate response was to ask to keep working on things, plus a bunch of stuff about how I need to stop holding back my feelings and to allow him the opportunity to show me the good in him. I replied and said it's not about him anymore and that's it's definitively over and that I'm ready to talk when he is. He said he'll need some time before replying or talking on the phone, which is fine and understandable.

That said, his behavior continues to boggle my mind. I moved out nearly 4 months ago. I told him I thought we had a 90% chance of ending up divorced. Now he's acting like this is all a big shock. He saw the time of separation as an opportunity to convince me to stay with him. I saw it as a test for my feelings. The pieces of our past conversations that he remembers are selective and confirm what he wants to believe. He doesn't journal, so he doesn't keep records that he can reference. Ah well, I guess it's just more evidence that I'm making the right decision.

It's sad, but I'm also ready to move on to the practical logistics. I don't know how long before he will get there.

There can be a peace when you know what you have to do. It is sad still — and many tears will still be shed — but getting out of limbo can bring such relief.

Feel all the feels and take it one day at a time. Use this time to get your ducks lined up. And be proud of yourself. You are showing how strong you are.

It's like mourning a death, so expect some sad times. Feel the feels so can process them through your body.

When you know, you know. And you're out of limbo.

Hang in there, NTFTM.

I had also used my separation to gauge my feelings and I felt much happier away from him and out of the M. That’s when I knew it was time to D. You just know without a doubt and sometimes it’s just too little too late and the amount of damage done is too much to come back from. Glad you have found a clear path forward not easy but one paved in peace and happiness for you. He will move on as well there is no other choice but for life to move forward.

It's sad, but I'm also ready to move on to the practical logistics. I don't know how long before he will get there.

I am sorry it has come to this for you. However, it sounds like you are in a good place with your direction which is tremendous. That limbo stuff is for the birds.

Good news is you don't need his permission to move forward with your path. Sure, it makes it easier if he can be amicable about deciding the logistics but if he isn't, you can just move forward.

What I am saying is give him some time but if you feel he gets to the point of just dragging is feet intentionally to hold you up, you just keep moving on.

Thank you all for the support! Ball is currently in his court, so I've decided to get on with life and do things that need doing in the meantime.

What I am saying is give him some time but if you feel he gets to the point of just dragging is feet intentionally to hold you up, you just keep moving on.

EvenKeel, it didn't occur to me that he might do this, so this is good advice. One of the more important factors for me in terms of timing is to tell our kid what's going on next week so she has some time to adjust before the start of the school year. I hope I don't have to take that action unilaterally, but I will if he doesn't cooperate.

Good grief, he finally replied to say "I love you, and I’m committed to building a marriage with you again" and that he doesn't want to do this by email anymore and to discuss further until we can talk in person.

I mean, I'm fine with waiting, but what is that first line?? He isn't going to make this is easy, is he?

Remember what EvenKeel said:

What I am saying is give him some time but if you feel he gets to the point of just dragging his feet intentionally to hold you up, you just keep moving on.

At least he's now got you off his back until he gets back. I'm wondering if it's foot-dragging, a prelude to love bombing or it could be his feelings at this moment. You can keep moving on.

Sheer manipulation that he thinks will be effective?

NTFTM

Other than tell him it’s over what have you done?
Have you researched the process of divorce in your state?
Have you filed or started that process?

You don’t need his approval to do any of those things. You don’t "ask" for a divorce per se, you tell your partner you are divorcing, and then you "do" a divorce.

What I’m getting at is that sometimes we send indirect messages. Your husband had the period before the separation and now the separation where he got the message that maybe it’s over, and/or likely it’s over. Why should he be hearing now it’s finally over, even if that’s whats coming out of your mouth (or keyboard)?

If you are committed to this being over, then file. How to proceed from there (mediation or confrontational or what) is simply a milestone in the process.

Good grief, he finally replied to say "I love you, and I’m committed to building a marriage with you again" and that he doesn't want to do this by email anymore and to discuss further until we can talk in person.

Personally, once we got to a certain point, I only wanted to correspond through texts or emails. It gave me time to digest and really think about my reply (and sometimes to run to SI for advice ).

His 'in person' is probably for an attempt to persuade you using his emotions (crying, pleaing, begging, etc.).

If you are are truly done-done; then I would drive the narrative and rip off that band-aid now. File for D and let him know you are telling your child [insert date] and you would like him to be apart of it but you are doing it with or without him.

If you are not truly done-done, that is ok too. But figure out what that looks like to you and drive that narrative as well.

Sending you strength! No matter what path you choose, it stinks but there is peace that will come with it.