SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those of you who went through mediation for your separation or divorce, what are some qualities to look for when choosing? A quick search online shows me that some mediation services are provided by lawyers, but others are by people with accreditation and no legal background. What are the pros and cons of each? And should we retain lawyers even if we're doing mediation?

I recommend resolving as much as possible without anyone else involved. Figure out all the simple things between the two of you, and write them down to be attached to a legal document. Saves enormous sums of money and time. Any time you hit a contentious issue, put it in a parking lot and move on to something you can resolve.

Once you have a small list of things you can’t resolve between yourself, bring that to mediation. Do all you can to control the scope because mediation will be slow and expensive, even if you bring trivial matters to it.

Come as informed as you can. Look for ways to identify what you want versus what he wants. Be prepared to compromise if you are in direct competition for the same thing with him. The legal system doesn’t care about his philandering.

To me the key issue would be to ensure I had legal representation on MY end. The mediator is IMHO not the key issue if he has legal qualifications – he’s more like a project-manager that make sure all the issues are cleared in order to proceed to divorce.

For example: You two as a divorcing couple could decide that you keep credit card A and he keeps B. There might be the same debt on both of them. Or that he takes financed vehicle A and will make the remaining payments. Or that he keeps the family home and assumes the mortgage payments. The agreement is "fair", and the mediator puts that into the documents that are then signed by the judge.
Only... he doesn’t pay on the card, or runs up a humongous bill, and since you were married when the debt was incurred and/or both names on the application then four years from now you have collectors at your door.
Only... he doesn’t pay for the vehicle and again you have them at your door...
Only... three years from now your application for a mortgage is denied because your name is still on the old mortgage – even if it’s up to date on the payments.

The mediator did his job – there is a signed contract where your husband committed to his payments. But that contract has no value at all regarding the debt. All it does is give you ground to sue him after you made the payments he was supposed to make...

What YOUR legal representative should do is point these things out, and ensure that when the cards are assigned, the card-provider has accepted that HE is the sole person responsible for that card and that debt, that the dealership that financed the car has ONLY his name and assets, that the home is refinanced solely in HIS name. Your representative makes sure you don’t sign anything conclusive until all the I’s are dotted and the t’s crossed.

Not suggesting a contested divorce. I’m fine with you and husband hashing this out with a mediator. Only before signing anything, meet with your OWN legal representative and go over the details.

To me the best comparison to an appendectomy. It’s well documented that a Russian doctor once had to remove his own appendix at some remote outpost. It’s a relatively simple process, and I’m sure you can get all you need at a decent pharmacy and use AI to learn all the steps and procedures. Yet we don’t have people wiping down their kitchens and sharpening their knives... Some things are better left to the pro’s.