Hello,
First time poster. I'm a 42m BS and WS is 40w. We've been married for 13 years and together for 20. We are currently trying to reconcile after her affair. In late 2022 and early 2023, we both had alcohol and marriage issues. She had been drunk and in bed for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and ended up getting CPS investigating us. In March 2023, we had a bad night. We were both drunk and got into a major fight. She ended up getting a temporary restraining order and had me thrown out of our home that I alone pay for. She ended up going to rehab involuntarily, and I voluntarily followed a few days later. During rehab I dedicated myself to being a better husband, father, and person in general.
When I got out, we would speak despite the temporary restraining order and started meeting about once a week to be initimate. I started noticing signs that something was going on, such as her switching her wedding band to her right hand and hiding her phone. After about a month of this, I found texts she had made on my son's phone (she broke hers) to her AP. She mentioned how handsome he looked the night before and mentioned losing something in his bedroom. I confronted her and she immediately denied that anything happened. Within an hour, she admitted that she kissed the AP a single time at a party with her two friends that she met in rehab. She also met the AP in rehab, who she said was a NJ State trooper. Over the next 2-4 months she admitted that the kiss was at the AP's house, not at a party with her friends. She swore it was a one time thing and sincerely regretted it. I didn't really believe her because I don't think grown women drive an hour to men's houses in the middle of the night just to kiss, but she stuck to the lie, and I wanting to save my family, moved back home by August 2023. I begged her to be fully honest and told her I could forgive an affair given that our marriage had been very shaky at the time.
In summer of 2024, I finally found out who the AP was. She had lied about his name and profession. I sent her a photo of him and asked if she recognized him, and she lied and said she did not. I was furious that she had lied and asked her what else she had lied about. Instead of comfort me or tell the truth, she moved out and gaslit me. She insisted that I have borderline personality disorder and that I was inventing stories about her. Months passed and we slowly started to get along again and in Feburary 2025, she finally admitted that she had sex with the AP on 4 separate occasions. But she continued to lie over at least the next month about several details. For example, she said nothing ever happened in our bed, but then said they did. She said certain sexual acts didnt happen, but then said they did. She said they always wore protection, and she had tested negative for STDs, but then later admitted that she never got tested. And when I said I wanted us to both get tested, she said there was some bare contact without penetration. She then admitted to having crushes on two other men, but still insists they never met up. She also admitted to going on 2 long walks with yet another man, but she insists it was only platonic. Then my neighbor (who is pretty shady) told me that she would flirt with him, which she adamantly denied and even texted his wife about it. She moved back on June 1, and things were pretty good for awhile. She seemed genuinely remorseful and we had been going to counseling. I was hurt as F but somewhat relieved to finally know the truth. She has given me access to her phone, but had already deleted nearly everything. She also allows me to track her location and gave me her phone records back to November 2023.
I have up and down days. Some days I think she is still keeping more from me. For example, is she minimalizing her crushes and walks with these other men? Did she actually wear protection? Did the affair really end the way she claims it did? She senses when I have feelings about it and prys. If I don't relay my feelings just right, she gets incredibly defensive and blames me for her past actions.
Recently, I discovered she also sent over 200 texts to our daughter's friend's dad in the past year. Most seemed benign and were scheduling play dates, but in a few she started talking about her growth as a person and her spirituality. I asked if she deleted some of those texts too, and she says she did but swears they were also benign. That she deleted them because she knew I would overreact. She claims to not remember the substance of the messages. She gets very upset that I'm still questioning her and says it is ridiculous that I would suspect something with this guy. I asked if she would take a polygraph, but she refuses. She says with her anxiety issues it risks leading to a false positive. I don't know what to do. I love her and want to believe her, but she has lied and gaslit me for 2 years. How can you tell when the trickle truth stops? Am I being unreasonable at this point by continuing interrogations? Or am I still just being an idiot for even considering R? Thanks all.
