SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Male - in relationship for 28 years. 18 years ago (10 years into our relationship), my OH confessed to being unfaithful over a period of the preceding 5 years, with multiple partners. We stayed together, had two kids now in their teens. I've never got over it. I managed to conceal my true feelings, hurt, humiliation, inadequacy etc, and deal with it, until recently, but never really got over it. But over recent years I find myself obsessing over it, literally daily, 24/7 it's on my mind. And I can't help ask her questions, scrutinise her accounts of events, and often find implausible her accounts. It's dragging us both down, but I don't now what to do. Concede defeat, accept I'll never get over it, separate and free us both, or what's the alternative? I love my family, my kids in particular, family life looks happy. How do I make us all genuinely happy though?

I will be honest with you--in my many years of being here, and listening to other people's stories, it is extremely rare that the couples have a healthy reconciliation by avoiding the issue. I don't know if you tried to sweep your wife's affair(s) under the rug, but that is kind of the vibe that I am getting. One member used to use the analogy of taking a deep breath of poison....and holding it in for the next x amount of years without exhaling. In the meantime, it erodes, decays, and destroys the inside.

Be brutally honest with your wife. There is no statute of limitations on her infidelity. If you need answers to process thoughts, then that is what you need. And if your wife is really sorry for her past actions, then she will want to give you the answers you seek...even if it hurts. That is the difference between a spouse with remorse versus one who isn't---they are willing to put your well-being in front of their own. They want to help you heal, even at their own discomfort.

Is your wife willing to do this?

I try and discuss it, ask for details etc, but she just won't entertain it. Shuts the conversation down.I find myself now, 18 years later, digging for detail and finding inconsistencies. I never thought I'd feel like this 18 years later, that's 18 years since she confessed/i found out, nearly 28 together and 2 teenage kids. For the first time in those years, I'm starting to think maybe I should be planning an exit. Not now, it feels like a bad time to leave for the kids, but is there ever a good time/age? They're both in high school.

If she won't even discuss the issue, I'm afraid you have little choice but to plan your exit.

Ultimately, she betrayed you multiple times. Many people wouldn't have shown the understanding and grace you have by staying with her. Frankly, given this, she should be offering you absolutely anything you need to heal; she's the one who created the wounds.

Reflecting on the Past

Consider these crucial questions:

* What happened at the time of discovery?

* Do you feel she did any work back then to help you move past it?

* Why did you decide to stay?

* Was she truly remorseful back then?

* Did she have any consequences? Perhaps social fall out, or things you imposed on her.

All of these are relevant to your current situation.

Looking to the Present and Future

I'd also ask: Are you certain she's been faithful since? If you haven't gotten to the root cause of her serial cheating, it's generally unlikely that people just become moral and faithful without doing the necessary work. Especially serial offenders. Especially especially... If she had no consequences.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 7:05 AM, Thursday, July 17th]