SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,
Call this karma or whatever…. I was married to a physically abusive, alcoholic for 12 years. In 2013, I finally had the strength to leave him. That same year, a month before I left him, I met a wonderful man online. He was from a different country, 25 years older than me, kind, loving caring….we got talking and hit it off from the word ‘go’. I left my husband, moved in with my parents along with my small children. A year later, after my divorce, this nice man came to visit me in my country. I was still dealing with a lot of hurt, pain, trauma from my earlier marriage….but we got on well and he moved to my country. We were madly in love, I felt safe, I trusted him….we didn’t stay together….I stayed a few blocks away with my parents. One day, 2 years later, and this was when I was madly in love and felt safe with him, I caught him lying to me. Well to cut a long story short, I found explicit pics and messages he had posted to dozens of women online. I found chats with a woman, proof he had been doing things…. And yet, I ended up moving in with him along with my children and then getting married to him. Over the last decade, he goes back to his country for 6 months a year. I have no idea what he does there, who he meets, what kind of a life he leads there…. Over the last 10 years I have seen the way he behaves with other women, found a strand of blond hair on his bed, and even caught him chatting….he he is a good liar. He likes to know what I’m thinking all the time so he can manipulate me. From being a battered wife, I’m now in a relationship where I again feel unsafe. I don’t want to leave him….I don’t know if I love him or am just dependent on him. I’m anxious and that anxiety is increasing every day. I don’t have a support system….I want to be able to look at his infidelity and yet be resilient. I want to accept his six months away as a time he will be unfaithful. I don’t have a great support system…..I don’t trust anyone anymore. How can I accept his ongoing 6 month breaks where he leads the life he wants while I’m expected to be just waiting for him? Does this make sense?

I am sorry you are in this situation.

You are being used. He took advantage of you when you were in a vulnerable state and you leapt from the fire to the frying pan.
You barely knew this person.

I understand how crushed you feel- it is horrible. But you need to leave him. He is treating you poorly and YOU ARE MODELING THAT THIS IS OKAY TO YOUR CHILDREN. And this is not okay.

Get into IC to help you build the strength to leave him. His being gone 6 months a year gives you plenty of time and space to get your ducks together and get out.

Please please value yourself and your kids enough to get out of this situation. You deserve better and they deserve better.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're dealing with infidelity. First, I want to point you to the JFO (Just Found Out) forum. There are some good articles there that are pinned to the top of the forum. Also, there are some really good posts that aren't pinned which you can find by looking for the bull's eye icon that I suggest you read. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has some great resources.

If you can, IC (Individual Counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist may be helpful, so somebody that works with spouses of abusers. Basically, you went from one abusive situation to another.

For anxiety, you may wish to see your doctor for some meds. You may wish to be tested for STDs/STIs while there because certain ones like HPV can turn into cancer.

Your children watch you and see what kind of relationships you model. Is this the kind of relationship you would want your children to be in?

It's a lot to think about. Practice self-care and take care of you and your children.

Thank you for your replies….

My children are already damaged from my first marriage….they don’t know what’s happening. They will be shattered if they know cuz they think we both a very very madly in love. My children are now 19 and 25. What if I stay with him….just build boundaries and protect myself from the hurt he has caused me, change my will, and just make a life where we both stay under the same roof six months a year but I protect myself emotionally from him. Would it be possible? I could come here to this site for emotional support. I can’t think of leaving him….I’m so scared and dependant on him. In my country, one divorce is bad enough.

Is it possible? Sure. Anything is possible. But there are many people here on SI that stayed with an unremorseful WS for a multitude of reasons. Many are not happy. Some are okay- they have accepted the situation and that their spouse is who they are, and they stay.
But are they happy? Or just content? In my mind there is R — reconciliation, and there is "R" or remained in the M. They are not the same, but sometimes people choose "R" because it is what is best for them financially or for disability or other reasons.

Please get into counseling (IC) with a trauma informed therapist. They can help you handle whatever you choose to do. If you stay, you will need to build your own life, learn to be independent and have a full life without him.

It’s your one precious life. Live it accordingly.

He is extremely remorseful and he wants this to work. But I relive everything in my mind…real and imagined. I am making his life miserable and I know it. I suffer from severe PTSD and I’m off meds and worse…looks like menopause is just around the corner. I’ve no idea whether it’s my hormones or a ptsd trigger I’m dealing with now. I’m seeing an endocrinologist tomorrow to check my hormones and also get a reference to a trauma specialist. It’s not nice being in my head just now and I’m hoping I will get answers soon.