SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know a lot of people have posted about having moments where they see something that triggers them and brings their thoughts to DDay or just those thoughts just appear out of nowhere.

How do you all address them with your spouse.

I ask, because I’ve noticed I will become extremely withdrawn when those thoughts appear. And I understand my wife is feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment from DDay. However, she can tell when I get withdrawn and start to shutdown. Obviously, she feels as if she had done something wrong at that specific moment. However, it has nothing to do with that moment, but moments that occurred months ago. The last thing I want to do is add to those feelings of guilt and shame.

Is it better to express to her that I randomly have started to think about DDay. It’s easier if there is a trigger, but random pop up thoughts? It makes it seems like that’s all I think about then. Or maybe I’m overthinking this?

Is it better to express to her that I randomly have started to think about DDay. It’s easier if there is a trigger, but random pop up thoughts? It makes it seems like that’s all I think about then. Or maybe I’m overthinking this?

I think it's difficult for a wayward spouse to even begin to understand the damage that they've done. I had mine read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I thought she did a good job explaining what it's like for the betrayed spouse.

Another book that I recently read, Are You Done Being an Ass Hole? by Kit something-Kincaid (maybe) lays it out a little more bluntly (a LOT more bluntly). That's a really short book, and the wayward husband is a super hero with the way he stood by and took his lumps and helped his wife heal. I think that would be a great example for a wayward spouse to see.

It is often difficult to live an authentic life, to allow yourself to be vulnerable, open and honest. This is particularly true, I think, while trying to survive infidelity and reconcile at the same time.

Triggers and intrusive thoughts are going to happen. It's just par for the course, you know? When they happen, you shut down and your wife notices. You wonder if it's appropriate to share and she wonders if she did something wrong. This leaves you both wondering, which doesn't really help much, does it?

I think it might help to share with your wife what you've just shared with us.

Virkant
Part of reconciliation should be having the security of telling your partner what’s bothering you.
Sort-of like telling her that right now you are having flashbacks, suggesting or sharing what’s triggering them and being open to suggestions on how you two can handle them.
At the same time, she should be open to listen, offer support and suggest ways to mitigate the triggers.

The crucial part is to recognize the validity of the triggers/flashbacks and to work on recognizing them for what they are and how to deal with them. For example: If seeing infidelity on TV causes flashbacks then maybe you two both agree to watch something else – acknowledging what causes that change and why it was made. Or you watch it holding hands – emphasizing in a symbolic way your efforts to reconcile. In all instances it’s done together and in the open.

I can take a personal example: For nearly 18 years after d-day and more than a decade after I left that town I would avoid the most direct route from my childhood home to the airport, because it drove past where I caught my then-fiancé with OM. For me that big apartment building was a trigger. Eventually (after treatment for PTSD) I made it a mission to go there and touch the front-door. Sort-of an act to acknowledge the trigger, but refusing to let it control me.

Unhinged,

Triggers and intrusive thoughts are going to happen. It's just par for the course, you know? When they happen, you shut down and your wife notices. You wonder if it's appropriate to share and she wonders if she did something wrong. This leaves you both wondering, which doesn't really help much, does it?

I think it might help to share with your wife what you've just shared with us.

I honestly thought the intrusive thoughts had gone away, but unfortunately, they did reemerge. But like you said, it expected in such a situation. And you're very correct in assessing the situation. I did bring it up to my wife about my shutdowns and how she would like me to address it. Made it clear my intentions isn't to hurt her. Which she told me exactly what you stated, she would rather have me tell her it's about that than thinking she did something in that moment.

So, it was a productive talk which I think we should have had a while ago.

[This message edited by Vikrant1993 at 9:59 PM, Sunday, October 19th]

Asdf,

Another book that I recently read, Are You Done Being an Ass Hole? by Kit something-Kincaid (maybe) lays it out a little more bluntly (a LOT more bluntly). That's a really short book, and the wayward husband is a super hero with the way he stood by and took his lumps and helped his wife heal. I think that would be a great example for a wayward spouse to see.

Thanks for the information. I truly appreciate it!

Bigger,

Part of reconciliation should be having the security of telling your partner what’s bothering you.
Sort-of like telling her that right now you are having flashbacks, suggesting or sharing what’s triggering them and being open to suggestions on how you two can handle them.
At the same time, she should be open to listen, offer support and suggest ways to mitigate the triggers.

The crucial part is to recognize the validity of the triggers/flashbacks and to work on recognizing them for what they are and how to deal with them. For example: If seeing infidelity on TV causes flashbacks then maybe you two both agree to watch something else – acknowledging what causes that change and why it was made. Or you watch it holding hands – emphasizing in a symbolic way your efforts to reconcile. In all instances it’s done together and in the open.

I appreciate your feedback. I did ultimately talk to her about it. She received it well and encouraged me to always be open to what I'm feeling about stuff, especially when it relates to the situation.

I understand what you mean with triggers. There was in the beginning and like you said stop watching that specific show or movie, etc. I think it's really hard with intrusive thoughts, but I do understand moving forward express what's going on to my wife, because it will help with reconciliation.

So, it was a productive talk which I think we should have had a while ago.

That’s awesome! Glad to hear it. I know it's a cliché and all, but learning to communicate, and to earnestly listen, is critical in R (and generally important in life).

Am going through exactly the same thoughts and triggers. Unfortunately for me, my WH is burying his head in the sand with it now and cant cope with how much he has hurt me and squirms when i try to talk about it all. Which is totally wrong. But What Bigger says is absolutely spot on. Im having alsorts of triggers and a big one for me is the upset that I was right all along with my intuition regarding the OW and everything that's gone on

Sending love and hugs

Vikrant

I am dealing with this exact issue. I usually suffer in silence, not sure if he's even aware. He apparently notices, but steers clear of mentioning it. Not healthy.

Because of your post, I had a conversation with H this morning and it was really good. We have agreed to stop ignoring the elephant. We can't read each other's minds, and you can't fix what you don't know is broken. We are both committed to R and the only way to get there for me is for both of us to be brutally honest.

So yes, I think it's best to put it out there. Get it out of the way. You are not far out from DD. This will go on for a while. Best to get into the practice of truth and transparency. It will help both of you.

Thank you, Thank you.

ASDF

I downloaded that book "Are you done being an asshole". Listened to it while cleaning the house. Little rough but made me laugh and cry. House is sparkling and I'm in a better place. Thanks

We moved. Literally a 1000 miles away. For work and it got me away from the triggers. I didn’t see the road they went down or the thing the AP was working on everyday. The intrusive thoughts are difficult to have a conversation about. Usually the ws doesn’t have a reference point to understand. So your there trying to explain it to them without trying to upset them for something they did that caused this mental problem you didn’t have till they acted out. It’s a shitty spot. I found with my wife is if we stayed out of the weeds with details ( she hated recounting the what, where and when) then we could talk about what I was feeling or why it was bothering me. She didn’t want to relive her affair time. Which is counter intuitive when you think about how much time and effort she put into it, to have one. It made for some good and some crappy conversations. But it did help in creating the groundwork for the new relationship. I’m not in the camp that it’s so much greater than before. It’s just different. Chat we had the other day about was she feels I love her differently than before. She said it was less. I told her she was no longer on a pedestal. I saw her as human now. I loved her no less. Just differently. I remember a show that the old guy married to his wife for years said. That after you take out the desire, heart pounding and love making what is left is love. A Ted Talks video talks about how long it takes to get over a breakup. It talks about using distractions to feel better. I found this works at the time of the intrusion but that I had better face the issue with my wife at an opportune moment. I found I needed to bring things up at the right time. With the right tone. And frame it in a way she would not get offended. Growing up in a male dominated family made me learn to temper my direct to the point thinking and learn to show some empathy. Or at least seem like I was. Women don’t respond well to lack of empathy.

I appreciate your feedback. I did ultimately talk to her about it. She received it well and encouraged me to always be open to what I'm feeling about stuff, especially when it relates to the situation.

This is a really good sign.

You should never feel like you're burdening your WS or potentially harming the reconciliation process by sharing your feelings and your triggers. In fact you should see it as you giving your WW an opportunity to show that she is capable of the empathy, compassion, and remorse. When she doesn't shrink from your pain, doesn't deflect or get defensive, and gives you the love and support that you need in those moments, she rebuilding trust.

The safer you feel in your relationship, the less power those triggers will have.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:40 PM, Monday, October 20th]