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I’ve been estranged from my in-laws since my H’s infidelity—just over 2 years now. I haven’t spoken or seen them since July 2023. I’ll spare the nitty-gritty details of their behaviour throughout all of this, but let’s just say I could write a novel about how despicable their behaviour has been. They never once reached out or acknowledged what their son did to me. Instead, they encouraged divorce because he deserves to be happy—and apparently, if I had been a better wife, none of this would have happened 😑

As time went on, their behaviour and trash talking me behind my back never stopped, and I officially blocked them from being able to contact me in September 2024. My H also made the decision to go no contact with them in February of this year.

On Friday night, my H got a call from his sister to let him know that one of his uncles (his mom’s youngest brother) had unexpectedly passed away. My H had remained in touch with this uncle, so of course, he’s sad and in disbelief. His family is very small—just a handful of people—so this death is very devastating for everyone.

We haven’t heard yet if or when there will be a service, but my H would like to go (for us to go) if they’re having one.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle this—specifically how to maintain my boundaries and estrangement from my in-laws while still being as respectful as possible in light of a death. I want to be supportive of my H, but I also know I can’t put myself back in an environment that’s toxic and unsafe for me.

I know this might sound harsh, but I don’t feel any sympathy for my MIL. I’m heartbroken for my H, his sister, and the eldest brother of the one who passed—but not for her. She never once showed me empathy or kindness when my world fell apart, and I don’t feel obligated to show her something she never extended to me.

Honestly, I don’t even want to go. It would be so uncomfortable and awkward. I can already see them using the situation to manipulate or guilt my H, and I just want no part of that.

Bottom line, I don’t want to go, but I guess feel obligated too. There’s so many unspoken things I want to word vomit at them — but I know this wouldn’t be the time or the place. I honestly don’t even know how I would keep my composure around people I once considered family.

To make matters a tad more complicated, we’d have to arrange childcare, flights, and accommodations if we went because they are in a different province.

Would it be awful if I didn’t go? And if I did go, how do you even offer condolences when I don’t have a single ounce of genuine sympathy to offer her.

I’m really torn on what the "right" thing to do looks like in a situation like this.

So sorry for the loss of your relative. I remember your posts about your MIL and her horrible behavior. IMO, you went above and beyond the call of duty in that situation.

First, your condolences can go to the uncle's wife and children and anybody else you want to express them to, assuming you go. If MIL approaches, have a need to use the restroom or go check on the kids. If you're trapped, you can say, "sorry for your loss" and nothing else . Show no emotion at all, if you can.

Base your decision on what you and your husband want or need. He may want your support. If he says he can handle it on his own, stay home. He can say you stayed home for the kids, got sick, sprained your ankle, etc. He could say you are having vision problems (can't see yourself going), or whatever you decide.

TL;DR version: Do what you want or need. It's really none of their business.

Sometimes services are live-streamed these days. Any chance of that?

Heartbroken, I could have written your first paragraph word-for-word about my in-laws.

I would feel exactly like you do and I would not want to go, either.

But you say your H really wants to be there for his uncle's funeral if there is a service (and perhaps there won't be). Travel is involved, too.

You would not have to interact with them while you guys are going to that and while coming back home from it together, versus your H making all the travel arrangements and going solo. I'd ask him how he would feel afterwards if he did go by himself. A thought: if you were to time your arrival to the service "just in time" to avoid "family night" or "sharing" opportunities, you personally walking into the formal service at the last minute and you personally getting up and departing the audience soon as the service concludes, hopefully you would not even have to speak to the parents of your H. (I'm picturing you going out to the rental car and waiting for him so he can offer his condolences to his siblings?)

Ask him how he might take it if you were to accompany him but plan to do that? At least he would get to go and not have them be able to further "cast blame" on his marriage for his not being there, as my overseas in-laws undoubtedly have tried to do. (When H's father died it was during the time of strict travel restrictions so that gave him a ready excuse not to be able to attend, and we were spared that scenario.)

But if it were my H, I have to warn you he might not be able to understand such pain about it, so don't expect much and you wouldn't be disappointed?

If all that seems a bridge too far, then there is your decision, made.

[This message edited by Superesse at 10:09 AM, Tuesday, October 21st]

You are in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.

No matter what you choose the in laws will have something to say.

If you choose to attend it’s for the widow and children. You are there for them and of course to support your H.

You can choose to be the adult in the room and be cordial to the in laws and that’s that. Or you can stoop to their petty level and allow them to push your buttons.

It’s up to you.

Tough call...
Is there any wish or hope to reconcile with the in-laws in the future?

I personally think that not attending can be something that the in-laws would view as a permanent marker for why they should never accept you back. It would be held against you permanently.

Attending, being by your husband’s side and then withdrawing at the earliest convenience might be the sensible and morally correct thing to do. Attend the service, but not any reception. Sort of a message of "I attended the funeral to show my husband and the widow my support. I didn’t partake more because I don’t feel welcomed and don’t want to interact with people that don’t respect me. Didn’t want this event to be about our differences".

I think you and your husband should attend the funeral so you can be there to support him but also present a united front for your in-laws. But if there's any sort of gathering after the service, then neither of you should attend it.

The "right" thing to do, I believe, is to be your authentic self. You don't feel comfortable around your in-laws. Fine. Don't add any undue stress upon yourself. Don't go, and don't feel guilty for not going.

Surviving infidelity is hard enough on its own. Adding other peoples' shit to the storm isn't necessary.

Lots of good comments here, for how to approach eating yet another bite of the "merde panini" we BS got served. Whereas everybody loves a wedding invitation, all the pomp and ceremony and sharing in what is supposed to be a new life for the bride and groom and thus they put on their best behavior, the trouble comes when difficulties in the marriage test that new bond. A lot of people have a hard time letting their adult children grow up. If your WH had not cheated that they learned of, then you may or you may not have had to bear the brunt of his mother's inability to allow her son to "acquire a wife."

When I married my WH, his family all came and stayed at my house for a month (yes!) so I got to see how his mother in particular was having less than a joyful time accepting that her son, the apple of her eye, had chosen to marry an American. Because it meant he'd likely not be coming back home to raise her grandbabies, or whatever her fantasy had been. My own father picked up on that and told me it wasn't her being personally against me as I felt like it was, rather it was her not being able to "let go." I did my best to extend a gracious hand of hospitality during that long honeymoon month (I don't recommend this!) even when she was rude to me...until he betrayed me just a couple years later. I watched in disbelief as they all rallied around him, suggesting the whole marriage had to have been a giant mistake. He was quite shocked at their thinking that way but I sure wasn't!

After all is said and done, the cheater is the product of their family of origin and I had to accept that for my WH to reject their way of thinking, wanting to relate to him and not much to me, for him meant he'd feel forced into rejecting his entire family, in some ways permanently, as Bigger mentioned.

(That's why I say the kind of pain you suffered from MIL is tightly interwoven with his infidelity.) I agree with Unhinged, by the way: it is difficult enough to overcome betrayal but to have to put on an act for "collaborators"?

So then, the question becomes: can you expect your WH's support as you try to NOT participate in all the aspects that will make you uncomfortable, or will he show a divided loyalty by, for example, not being ready and willing to walk away from the reception, should you need to get away? You two should talk that out thoroughly. (I know what MY WH would be like....he would resent ME for feeling the way I'd feel. Unfair? You bet. Just being real) If you agree that it would feel okay by each of you if he stayed there by himself for some parts of it, then the problem diminishes.

When my sister passed, my brother, H and I took an overnight train trip to be there for her "celebration of life" but we knew nobody else there and her children had lots of their friends milling about. We signed the guestbook and the three of us quietly left for a local restaurant. Nobody seemed too worried. Because we had made the effort to come.

I have rewritten this three times. Simple. If you do not want to go, don’t go. Your h might need time with the relatives he still cares about. He can choose whether he speaks to his mother or not. This family has already harmed you. Don’t put your hand on that hot stove again.