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I realized something for the first time. Everyone, including psychiatrists, nurses, social workers, etc., with whom I shared my wife’s YEARS of infidelity, has uttered the same words—"She was unfaithful. She had an affair." "You know she betrayed you." The new marital therapist we just began seeing also used the same matter-of-fact language.

After hiding from my wife and crying my heart out for relief, I calmly shared this observation. Her response—"You want me to leave? Am I too much of a trigger?"

This makes no Fu***** sense. My wife betrayed me for years—assuring me that she did nothing with her lover other than having sex with him while we were married—and I'm supposed to just accept it? Take a deep breath? Or, find something to distract me?

I just can’t "accept it!" I am so broken and don’t know how to stop the obsessive thinking and rumination. It never stops!

Am I too much of a trigger?"

Is she?

You don’t have to accept anything. You have plenty of choices. One of them is to leave.

What everyone is telling you— and what you don’t seem to get— is that if you’re not going to change anything (and the only person you can change is yourself) then your only choice is to accept it.

It’s like you’re locked in a dungeon, banging your head against the bars, and screaming at her "Let me out!!!"

Meanwhile, the keys to your cell have inside the dungeon with you the entire time. You just refuse to use them.

No one can make you accept anything.

No one can make you heal either.

You mentioned meds before — they don’t sound like they are helping much.

In other threads, some folks have offered some pretty good advice, you haven’t accepted any of that either.

Somewhere in there, you can empower yourself, it is what all of us who healed some or healed a lot had to do.

Those points aside, I can tell you I have most of the truth, and what truth I don’t have about the A, I assume the worst. And I understand bad things happened, but bad things aren’t happening today (that’s the starting point).

I think we have to accept the idea bad things happened during the A, but we never, ever have to approve of those choices. I accept that I will always hate the A, but I found plenty to love and appreciate about my wife.

I went through some brutal years of nightmares, flashbacks, triggers and ruminations.

I learned I do get to choose what I focus on.

I learned I can’t change a single thing about the past.

I learned that in this life I can’t control a single thing about anyone else, but I can control how I respond to adversity (but that control of me and my thoughts took time and practice).

If your wife has told you all she is CAPABLE of telling you, do you see a path forward with her?

I believe ‘acceptance’ in infidelity is accepting the fact your WS is not the person you thought they were, you accept the fact that someone you loved has hurt you in a very cruel and devastating way, you accept the fact your marriage/relationship is not what you thought it was and will never be the same again. You have to accept all of this because are all things that did actually happen.

What you don’t have to do is accept this behaviour ever again. You now have the choice and the power to live the life you wish to lead. Whilst the choices may not be exactly what you want, they are still your choices to make.

If your WS won’t stop lying you don’t have to accept it, you can choose to leave.
If your wife is a trigger for you, you have the choice to leave.

This may sound super harsh but it’s the reality we all as BS had to face. Does it suck more than anything - yes. But you have the power now!!!

I liked what Bluer said. What if this was really a deal breaker for you? I never saw myself divorced, but what I can tell you is that I am so much happier now. You seem to have your hand on a hot stove and wanting the stove to take away the pain when you can do this yourself by taking your hand off the stove.

Accepting this happened to you is quite separate and distinct from what you want to do with that knowledge.

This DID happen and IMHO you must accept the reality.

What you do with this reality is quite another thing.

What I'm hearing in your pain is you are screaming that you wish this did NOT happen to you and your are stuck in that endless loop. It is exhausting and all consuming.

It happened. It sucks. It hurts. It is crippling. It makes no fu***** sense. I could go on. We all get it.

But since this did happen - and you are suffering because of it - the ultimate question is what are you going to do about it. D or R are not easy choices. D or R comes with pros and cons. Neither D nor R will make this not have happened.

Neither D nor R will make this not have happened

OP has repeatedly stated D is off the table, no matter what, and so his only option now is to accept this. He hasn’t, for decades now. Hence the cognitive dissonance.

What do you think you're being told to do when you're told to accept your W's infidelity? What alternative do you have? These are real, not rhetorical, questions.

There's no doubt in my mind that accepting that the infidelity has occurred is a step in healing. The only alternative to that seems to be to pretend it didn't happen, and that's a lie.

It's also a great idea to accept that a person can change some aspects of themself, but one person can't change another.

I knew I could never accept what my wife did.
However telling myself I need to accept that I can't change what she did helped.
Sorry you're here.

My husband also lied about his affairs for decades.

Briefly: He slept with a woman (call her Lana) in 1977, I confronted, he denied. He also slept with a woman in 1978 (call her Sara) and I didn’t know about it. At that point I caught him with yet another woman (Hannah) and asked at that time about Lana and/or anyone else. He denied Lana, gaslighted me, and never mentioned Sara.

Fast forward to 2005. I caught him with "Shauna". In recovery, asked about every other woman I knew in my entire life with him, he denied - specifically denied Lana, and never mentioned Sara. I also asked about friends we had, one named "Rhonda", and he denied.

Turns out he was having sex with Rhonda at the same time as Shauna. Denied everything.

Now I find out about "Ana" in 2023, he denies everything again, fails to mention the affairs with Sara and Rhonda, denies Lana…

I find information on Sara, he minimizes but admits. Still denies Lana, doesn’t mention Rhonda.

A year later, the last DDay - I was leaving him - and he suddenly decides I am worthy of the truth. He confessed what I had already decided was true about Lana, then disclosed Rhonda.

My world crashed again. All of this pain could have been avoided had the truth come out years ago.

How does one "accept" all of this? I think that there’s a difference between "accepting" and "healing".

I think I have "accepted" the fact that he lied, he deceived, he obfuscated, he avoided, and he chose what truth I was allowed to have about m own life. I "accepting" that because it’s the truth, it is what has happened.

I cannot fight the sun rose today as a fact and I must accept it because it happened.

In your case, she continues to lie. That’s the thing you’re facing, and it has crushed you because you realize she chooses to save her own self-image above all else. And in your mind, you know you would not make that choice for yourself - you would sacrifice your ego to be honest with her, even if it meant living with shame.

That’s one thing I am struggling with. My husband was afraid to disclose in part due to shame, and in part due to fear I would leave him. Both are selfish.

His affairs were selfish.

So I am faced with accepting the affairs, accepting that he lied, and accepting that he is selfish.

And also accepting that I am making a conscious choice to stay with someone who doesn’t deserve my trust, and who would probably make a selfish decision in any situation we face.

The healing begins when the last lie is told, they say. In our cases, how will we know when that happens?

Answer: it will not ever happen.

Going forward from here, I am working on accepting this (I see it akin to losing a major battle), then working on healing my heart.