NoThanksForTheMemories (original poster member #83278) posted at 5:45 PM on Thursday, November 6th, 2025
In 3 days, it will be 28 years since I got married. In 6 days, it will be 3 years since DDay1. Yesterday, I signed an agreement with a divorce mediator to begin the process of ending my marriage.
3 years is a long time and yet also not that long in the grand scheme of things. The grief hits me much less often now than it used to, and knowing that divorce is going to happen provides a lot of relief, but I find that I'm still emotionally pretty fragile. It doesn't take much to resurrect the wishes for death and the deep regrets at my choice of life partner, especially at this time of year.
How does one develop emotional resilience? I feel like I'm walking on ice covered by snow, and every so often, it cracks and I fall through. My therapist says it's all part of the grieving process and there are no shortcuts. I'd like a highly insulated wetsuit, though, to help ease the shock and the pain when I do get pulled under. Does such a thing (non-metaphorically speaking) exist?
I'm so glad I made the decision to leave him, though. There's a sense of unreality about getting divorced, but there's also a deep joy when I think about being free of him, so I know it's the right decision, even if the circumstances that caused it make me sad.
WS had a 3 yr EA+PA from 2020-2022, and an EA 10 years ago (different AP). Dday1 Nov 2022. Dday4 Sep 2023. False R for 2.5 months. 30 years together. Divorcing.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:08 PM on Thursday, November 6th, 2025
It is always that dreaded word time. It will take time just like healing after D-Day we also need to heal after D. While my M to xWS was toxic it still didn't make it any easier to D. I know what you mean wanting that emotional resilience. There are still times I feel an uneasy uncomfortability for my M ending but it was for my own emotional safety and I no longer loved my xWS. The uneasy feelings we just need to give ourself the space and the grace to move through it. I still grieve the M I never had, the husband who could never be who I wanted him to be and my lack of love for him how it disappeared.
I don't regret D. I think I regret the decisions I made throughout the M. Why I stayed so long at my and my children's expense. The fear of D and breaking up the family kept me firmly planted in limbo for years. It was not a life. It was surviving.
There is also peace in this process I feel relief that I no longer have to be emotionally abused or worrying about who he is with or whether he will give me another STD. My children no longer see me in a deep depression drowning myself into a dark oblivion. They see a very happy and peaceful mom now. While the D was hard on all of us it was necessary for my mental health and survival. Necessary for my kids to have their mom be healthy.
May we all get stronger in our emotional resilience. I wish that for all of us and one day reach full peace at our decision. Hugs!
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:59 PM on Thursday, November 6th, 2025
For me, there were different things to grieve. When I first moved to my own place, I grieved the life I thought I had, the life that I'd planned for the future, etc. When the D was final, I grieved for the death of my M. Kind of overlapping grief, but a bit different.
My D was final almost 5 years ago. I don't miss XWH at all and I am so glad to be away from the drama llama. I had to make adjustments, but I've got a lot of new friends and family. My kids (adults) don't miss him and are really glad that he's in another state.
May we all get stronger in our emotional resilience. I wish that for all of us and one day reach full peace at our decision. Hugs!
CBS said it perfectly.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
NoThanksForTheMemories (original poster member #83278) posted at 6:01 AM on Friday, November 7th, 2025
Thank you both for the wise words and commiseration.
Time is a dreaded word indeed. It's been 5.5 years since his affair started, and I'm tired, and there have been other stressors with our kid recently, so it's all weighing on me.
leafields, I hope to be in a much better place 5 years from now!
WS had a 3 yr EA+PA from 2020-2022, and an EA 10 years ago (different AP). Dday1 Nov 2022. Dday4 Sep 2023. False R for 2.5 months. 30 years together. Divorcing.
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:52 PM on Friday, November 7th, 2025
I would argue that you already have a ton of emotional resilience. Look at what you have already come through- and survived! And are still functioning and making the tough but necessary decisions.
It may FEEL like you have no resilience but you have already demonstrated time and again that you do. So trust that with time and healing you will be able to see that you are resilient and in fact a real bad-ass! You may feel like you are on the edge (I felt that way too) but in truth you have been navigating all this for a while and will continue to do so. Trust that you have done it all this time and you will continue to do it.
IC may help you recognize your feelings and process them, but time will work its magic, too. As your nervous system FINALLY gets a rest, you will feel more restored and energized and will trust that you have all the strength you need.
Hang in there. You are doing great. You really are.
Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
