SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Digging deep inside my memory ... 10th grade ... Mr. Gauthier ... 'We talk in iambic pentameter.'

Poetically and prosaically yours,

sisoon

It’s 2026 and time to retrain my brain, because I cannot unwind time.

I don't think I've ever recommended this thread to a BS before, but the "Survival Guide" pinned at the top of the wayward forum is Maia trying to retrain her brain. When I had intrusive thoughts of the AP I would read and re-read it for tips and techniques. The main one that worked for me was to picture a stop sign in my brain whenever a thought would come in that I wanted to reject. Or picture my brain like a TV set and change the channel (you are old enough to know what that means ) I memorized poetry and psalms to give my mind something to do that was different (I'm not a good memorizer and it was hard work). I did the mindful activities that seem so inane but are actually effective if you do them with intention: eat something flavorful with full attention (wasabi peas were my go-to), listen carefully and name all the sounds you hear in this moment, take deep breaths of something with a strong scent (I would rub clementine peels on my hands), look for everything yellow in your field of vision, and my favorite was called "pet the cat" which was giving all of my focus and attention to that cat purring underneath my hands, to feel her fur, to listen to her purrs, to see all the tiny details of her cute face, etc. This was also the cat's favorite mindfulness activity. You'll notice that these are sensory activities, to engage the senses in the present moment. You can do it with breathing too but that one didn't work for me, my mind would wander too much. People do it with yoga poses, sinking into the discomfort that is not quite pain. It engages your mind in something different.

None of this is a magic cure but if you can stop the thoughts for 3 seconds, 5 seconds, 30 seconds, a minute, 5 minutes, it will add up and your brain will be retrained. It's hardest at first and then gets easier.

Please share the strategies you come up with!

The real why is possibly among the last things you and your WS will realize after the healing process.

And there is a better time for finding that answer, a worse one too (when the DD just comes out, the why will be torturing you but it's hard to get, you will get an interpretation).

I will try not to get too deep into it and keep it brief:

We are humans and we follow behavioral patterns, we are wired to seek security into other humans, a relationship is the closest and smallest "tribal group" 2 people can form, hence is the most 'sacred'.

It is where the rest of the entire human social structure stems from, it's not just a shared cooperation, but shared vulnerability as well, that's why the core pillar of it is trust, which should be unconditional.

That's why a betrayal shatters your entire reality, it hits you at the core of your primal survival wiring. Is biological.

Another point to consider: we are (in general) neither monogamous or polygamous, those are states we fluctuate to according to our moment in life. Polygamy has it's uses (genetic survival, enlarging your 'tribe') because it helps you to 'vet' which person and to what degree can benefit from your trust. When you find one who inspire you the feeling of "absolute trust" you are naturally drawn to monogamy (there is chemistry in action too, but we ignore that here, that's temporary and by design to increase the genetic survival, we talk about long term / post dopamine drugged relationships now).

Consider this: when you have a friend, you trust them, you like this person like a member of your family sometimes, you give them a lot of trust, they often know your secrets and you know theirs, and you both have your back. However it is unusual that no matter the friendship, you both share unconditional trust. It is a lot but almost never to the extent of what you share into a relationship.

We are talking of sincere friendship here (not superficial or fake), and if you consider the situations where there is a betrayal of friendship are less common that betrayal in couples.

Here is the first "why"?
How comes that friends are less prone to betrayal, while 2 people who are so intimately close like a couple are more vulnerable to it?

This gives you a clue why so many WS never ever imagined they could betray their BS, and why so many times we BS get blidsided. And why it hurts so deeply.

Since you plan to retrain your brain I stop here for the moment and let you pick up. I must warn you it will become a painful exercise and the why you may find might be harder to digest than staying without answers.

At some point, as I see it, grace becomes more important than facts and the now trumps the past.

Your ability to offer grace is powerful, because it puts you 100% in control of your life. You are no longer depending on someone else to set you free.

Pippin

Please share the strategies you come up with!

I can’t say enough good things about freespotting, or any of the memory reconsolidation techniques in general. Stealing this from a gent named Clint Matheny’s website. He didn’t discover it, just nicely summarizes it.

*******

FreeSpotting operates on the principle of focused attention combined with emotional processing. Here’s a simple outline on how it works (read the entire page before you attempt the process):

1. Selection of an Object: Choose a simple, stationary object to focus on that will require you to move your eyes to look up like this example:
2. This could be a spot on a ceiling, a mark on your finger, or the tip of a pen. The object serves as an anchor for your attention. Your eyes should be focusing up.
3. Time Constraint: You set a timer for five minutes. This limited time frame helps to create a sense of urgency and focus.
4. Emotional Engagement: While focusing on the chosen object, you allow yourself to fully experience the unwanted emotion. This step is crucial because it’s not about distracting yourself from the emotion but rather confronting and processing it.
5. Processing: As you maintain your gaze and attention on the object, your mind begins to process the emotions and associated thoughts. This can lead to a cognitive shift where the emotional intensity diminishes, and you gain a new perspective on the issue.
6. Resolution: After the five-minute period, many people report a sense of relief or a decrease in the emotional intensity. The technique can lead to a transformative experience, as the emotion that once felt overwhelming becomes manageable or even neutralized.

If you are already ruminating, it’s too easy not to try it. I’ve done it while sitting in the back row of a large work meeting.

Google it for more info.