SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The Onion piece:

For something to be funny, there has to be a kernel of truth.

I have never sought sex with my WW with ulterior motives. I want the sex. I want the physical payoff, and more importantly, I want the mental payoff. I want the intimacy, the closeness, the specialness. (Oxytocin, dopamine?)

And as I write this, I’m trying to think if there’s anything better in life than my WW initiating sex with me.

I might have a headache, or my back’s killing me, or I’m tired, or asleep, or be doing something else. Doesn’t matter. I am instantly an eager, enthusiastic, happy participant. When she "arranges" herself to give me access, it takes my breath away. When I penetrate her, my heart skips a beat. Still, after all these years.

But what about her?

She traded sex with her AP for compliments, flirting, attention.

Is that what she’s doing with me? Am I getting "duty" sex, "pity" sex, sex to maintain the status quo? Transactional?

Is it not as special for her as it is for me?

Sigh. Infidelity sucks.

Pretty much what Pogre said.
It was too perfect too well written and way too detailed. It’s beyond even spaceghost level.
Most of the made up stories have something in them that jumps the shark to unbelievable usually in the 2nd or 3rd update. That one had plenty. It is/was a really good creative writing exercise though and completely entertaining.

I have asked the OP multiple times for his story, what happened with his wife, to no avail.

He began the thread WITHOUT referencing the Reddit part. Even if he did begin it with the Reddit part included, he has not responded to any questions regarding his personal marriage experience that brought him here. He has talked about kissing another woman and confessing this to his wife.

That’s why I am dubious about the reason for being here. Most people express serious feelings when they are the betrayed spouse, they talk about their experiences and emotions. I don’t see anything but questions here (except for the kissing admission).

When I penetrate her, my heart skips a beat. Still, after all these years.

But what about her?

She traded sex with her AP for compliments, flirting, attention.

Is that what she’s doing with me? Am I getting "duty" sex, "pity" sex, sex to maintain the status quo? Transactional?

Is it not as special for her as it is for me?

Sigh. Infidelity sucks.

It does.

There is no oracle here to tell you what your wife feels.

I can share what I feel and then you might know what’s possible. I get asking her you may never get an answer that you can believe, but her response may still be revealing.

I did the same thing as your wife. It may not be helpful to hear at the time I was doing it, it was not a conscious thing that I was making a trade. That’s hindsight talk.

It was more I would have been fine just having the romantic fantasy that someone was so obsessed with me because for me it was about being seen more than a person of duty. Not when it comes to sex, but it felt very much like I expended all my energy trying to meet all the needs of others. My kids, my husband, the mental load of being a wife and mother on top of having a big career made me feel invisible.

In a romantic relationship people have sex. It wasn’t the draw for me- I never felt dissatisfied with my marital sexual relationship. And while our sexual relationship was and is important to me it probably isn’t the thing I want the most or the thing that feels the very best to me. It’s in my top 5 probably but emotional aspects of our relationship probably hold the top two.

In an affair you can falsely believe those things are happening, but it’s honestly just the release of the dopamine and adrenaline that substitutes in disguised as those substantial things.

Adults in a romantic relationship don’t just keep seeing each other without intimacy. It’s not so much I did it without wanting to, it was more not the thing that I was foolishly holding dear in the situation. The problem is whether you have sex with a person is more tangible and more evident than fleeting feelings, projections, etc. so someone not after sex can see in hindsight that what they thought they were getting wasn’t there at all. It was simply a common reaction to an insecure relationship with no emotional availability There is wasn’t any value in it, the way a true relationship has.

To me it doesn’t make it better that someone thinks they are in love in an affair or whether they go in seeking sex. No matter what you are after you are doing something that is wrong, your spouse pays for it in heartbreak and you have to accept you ruined a precious thing in your life that you will never get back. You wasted the real thing on the artificial one. I jus want to make that clear.

However turning it back to my husband, that special bonding time is super important and enjoyable to me. I feel like we really take our time now and I look forward to it because there is so much loving we do in each other and I feel every bit of that closeness and it’s more exciting now than it ever was.

I can’t speak for you wife but I can tell you that you won’t know unless you explore this topic with her. And I get why that’s a gamble and may be scary or not worth it to you, but you might be surprised. Sex has always just been part of a loving relationship to me, my bad decisions to try and experience that with someone else after having married my wonderful husband is a regret I will never outrun. And so for us this has very much turned into a shared loss tha is my fault. But the fact he knows we share that loss and it’s not his alone - I suspect that does weigh a little bit.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:14 AM, Saturday, January 10th]

My STBXWW often pointed out that her AP never really gave her gifts or anything like that because they never wanted anything to be based upon that. I think she was being somewhat honest, and maybe she was trying to make me somehow feel better. But the reality is that I thought about it from AP's point of view, and I think anyone, regardless of gender, can relate to my feeling of "I poured my everything into you, paid the bills, dedicated myself to our home, cooked you meals and repaired your car and our home for you, took care of you after surgery, gave you all of me, and this bastard gets your love, affection, devotion, and sexuality for no investment whatsoever?" And that was especially galling, and it hit me post affair in "reconcilliation" every time she asked me to go above and beyond to do something for her. I would think a BW could relate to the exact same feelings based upon whatever her contribution was to the marriage and what she poured into her husband. Maybe that's "I paid the bills, raised your children, cooked your meals, took care of you when you were sick, etc". Whatever that extreme life investment is into her WH. So there is a sense of it being worse to me, on some level, that he poured absolutely nothing into her and only got the best parts of her for his zero investment.