Oh no, I’m definitely over xAP. It took maybe a week or two after DDay. I’m not upset at the possibility or likelihood that he, specifically, might not have actually liked me for me. I just want to be liked by others, and it isn’t nice to feel used or lied to. Yes, I see the irony there. And as I said, I betrayed my husband… for that? I was so sure I was smarter and better than that. I feel like such an idiot!
First of all: You are not an idiot, you feel like that is your inside critic shaming you (is the same voice that pushed you inside the arms of another man, so it validates your self sabotages and reinforces it)
You are not over the AP. Let's clear this: I believe you when you feel used or lied and you do not like it.
I believe you because I am a man, and I know men who decide to become predatory of women who are already in a relationship are following a very low instinct:
They are establishing dominance over your man by taking you, and this boosts their ego and validation. They rarely care or respect the woman, she is a conquest and an ego boost, they sleep with you and it is exciting, but they do not choose you.
It is rare that what moves the OM is genuine feeling of love (it can happen, but most often is low impulses like described above), because the OM knows full well that you are paying the price of the betrayal with a piece of your soul. You will carry that for the rest of your life. A person who loves you would not tolerate to put HIS WOMAN under that weight, they will want you to terminate your relationship before starting over with them. Because a person who truly loves you and chooses you, deeply respects you and your feelings and dignity.
A man who does not, is using you for his ego and pleasure:
- You are "complication free sex", easy excuse to not let you have expectations of commitment (so he does not have to commit).
- You are a trophy, not a person but an ego boost to brag with friends for further validation hits (he brags and tells about your exploits and what you "do"for him, no questions asked. A man does not speak of his "chosen woman" to other men like that. Intimacy with your woman is off limits to other males)
- You are a cheater. Deep down, no man will commit seriously to a woman he got through betrayal, because if you did it once you can do it to him next.
I know this might sounds harsh but that's our biology, and I feel you know this to be true already.
Why your heart still seeks comfort in the AP? (aka why you are not fully over it)
Because no matter if you realize it or not yet, it was never about the AP as a man, otherwise you would have left your husband. He was the object of your projections of your unmet needs, your wounds, your traumas, an escape symbol from unresolved issues for your nerve system. You loved how THIS made you feel, you did not love the man. It is chemistry and psychology, the emotions you feel are identical, that is why your mind cannot tell the difference and it feels like love.
That's what you are "still not over"not the man himself, I believe you when you say. Believe me when I say is your projections that you crave now, your system associated that feeling to him, that's the pull you feel.
I’m trying to dig into the "I just want to be liked part." I think that half of me likes myself— it feels proud and speaks kindly to me— and the other half is hypercritical and honestly pretty abusive. It’s a coin toss which side will be louder each day. Occasionally the hateful side will push me to improve at whatever it is I’m getting a lashing for, at least.
It is very common for cheaters to feel this internal criticism that only shuts up when met with external validation. That is why people who feels "I would never cheat" betray their partner. It's a trauma and a wound, they are not evil or corrupted, they are hurt (and they hurt themselves more)
But doesn’t everyone want to be liked by other people? It doesn’t have to be that everyone I meet likes me, but it would be so, so nice if there was a good handful of people that did, who I could spend quality time with. Instead I just feel like an alien inhabiting someone else’s body and trying to figure out how to interact with humans. I want to experience connection, but instead I often feel alone.
No, it depends from your own internal balance and emotional regulation. Being liked is a nice feeling. Being disliked can be either "irrelevant" or "crushing" depending how emotionally mature you are. If you depend from external validation because you cannot "like / love" yourself (you cannot give yourself all the validation you need), is the second.
I don't give a shit if others like me or not anymore, because I like myself enough, I can only be me, cannot be someone else to meet another person's expectation.
You can't too, you can only fake it (and fail, and keep your inside critic well fed because you validate his criticism by denying your true self and pretend). Turns out that when it is you who decide what people you like, you attract them naturally, and they respect your being. That is a message so primal, it is wired in humans that the people who "dislike you" just stays naturally the fuck away from you, and they instinctively respect you enough that they do not need to let you know.
Is no black magic, you are perfectly capable to reach this, everyone is. Stop self sabotaging yourself, love the person you see in the mirror, what she has inside her, feel it.
On other anonymous online platforms, people often accuse me of being the opposite gender or AI, which is like a slap in the face. Even with my BH, sometimes he’ll zone out when I’m speaking passionately about something, or he’ll be repulsed by the topic. Sometimes it’s apathy on his part, which is the most saddening response for me.
Notice here how external validation influences your feelings.
Why do you care what other people think? The only important matter is if what you are sharing is important for you.
Can you validate it or you try to externalize it to get it validated by someone else?
It's subtle but makes all the difference. When you do not need validation and you share others will respond with attention. When they sense you are "testing" for validation you will feel this reaction.
Sharing is important for you, you should do it to who pays you a likewise value in attention. So you need to learn to do it in the way that is worth the attention they give you. If the underlying motive of sharing is simply a "validation chase" both you and your audience are not rewarded by the same value of attention.
And you will feel like that.
Do not overthink it, feel it
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 12:23 PM, Sunday, January 11th]
