Hi Sadnanxious, I can believe it because no matter what she did she is the One that is different from all the others.
I might have been fucked up emotionally since childhood trauma, but I developed a big empathy or sixth sense for getting other people beyond the surface impression. I "see" or better perhaps "feel" beyond the social mask, my gut can immediately tell who the person in front of me is, if they are being honest and coherent with how they present themselves or if they are dishonest or fake, I don't think I am a particularly sensitive person because I grew up believing I could only count on myself, but I was always able to get the feelings like a "vibe" of people around me, whether they were hiding their emotions I could tell if they were happy, sad, excited, stressed, relaxed, pretending or acting and I also got the feel of why they possibly act this way.
As a result people who is close to me like to talk to me more openly as a confidant because they know I do not judge them and I can spot how they really feel, I kind of "get them", I am not the kind of friend who is going to tell you "it's going to be okay" because I know, sometimes "it's not okay" and that is (ironically) ok.
Looking back as a more mature man, that is likely the aspect that made me popular with girls, likely beyond my look, even if they knew I was closed to relationships they liked to still spend time with me accepting that it will never be anything more than kind of a friendship (except my 2 ex girlfriends, when that was over I denied any contact when unavoidably they reached back, for me is "I am happy you have your life, I have mine. Keep it like this, pretend we never met, forget about my existence, I already forgot about yours. Wish you well"). As a side effect I can spot a narcissist from miles away, no matter how a person tries to hide it, I can see their "shadow", and I mean it in both positive and negative ways, and I accept them for who they are. And until now I cannot recall a person who did not turn out to be exactly like the first impression (I was perhaps only ever wrong about myself and the bond I believed we could forge). I always felt better in the female company, not sexually but because I always felt girls do relax around me and tend to open up more (even when I show no interest in them), and I like that, I like the feeling I can be of comfort to someone else and that was always nourishing to me, I needed nothing more.
Which was always a problem romantically because my fear of letting them closer inside my world was in the end damaging that kind of relationship, so I had to juggle between the time I enjoyed in female company and the time I needed to keep distance so they would not get emotionally entangled with me.
As I told you, I am afraid I was completely fucked up emotionally for the most part of my life, but it was the fear of the pain of my "unworthiness of being loved" that made me to reject romantic interests from girls, it had to be aseptic and detached, but turns out it never was, even with those girls who promised they could keep it so.
(again I only recently realized and accepted my life traumas as the foundation of my emotional life. I am explaining it because I do realize I was broken, I am not unlovable or detached, I was always hurting and I denied myself I was bleeding, I told myself the story I was destined to be alone and that's just fine. I had to accept I was fucked up myself before truly healing from the betrayal trauma as you will see later.)
So why did I take her back, something I never ever imagined I could do, something that was against "my code?
She hit me on a primal level, I never pursued any girl before or since (with the next exception) I had the feeling she could look into my soul and she felt the same from me, I never ever believed such thing could happen to me.
She told me it was the same for her that she was not intimidated by my look when she met me on the balcony, she felt immediately familiar, safe like she knew me her whole life, and that I was the person who built her self worth and confidence who made her feel loved and accepted fully instead of used and discarded.
Like usual I could see all those red flags in her, the kind that kept me from opening to other girls before, but I also saw something else, her primal energy, so alive and vibrant and hidden and I could not look away. So I ignored it all, I was perhaps overconfident thinking that I would be able to help her break free of her traumas and dark sides, but no matter what, believe me when I say I could not have acted in any other way, for the first time I wanted to be with someone above anything else, and nothing would stop me from that. Why? I cannot tell you, she broke both my attraction mold and my emotional embargo, she is beautiful but I used to date actresses and models, it was not that, it was something else, something inside her was awakening me and turning my world upside down, I mean it when I say I felt she is the love of my life, and I 'married her' the moment I saw her on the balcony.
Of course this does not change what happened in 2008, there was and is a lot more, I keep it brief because is already a long story and I want to write about getting out from hell more than about a romance drama. Maybe I will write a book about this someday.
So I boarded on that plane, I felt empty, exhausted, I remember the flight as a numb 'behind a glass' feeling, it was directly to my city (Turin) so I only had to endure 2 hours and quickly home to my family. That state is a state where you can feel all your defenses drop, you do not care how you look, how you act, you are just catching the next breath, your mind is empty and it feels like walking between the border between a dream and a wake. But I could finally breathe, I was destroyed, emptied, but somehow relaxed, the contrast between returning home and that primal scream from the soul was enough to make me feel better.
In that moment I had no past, no future, no thoughts, no plans, only the present and did not need anything else. You might have experienced this feeling after your betrayal, even if just for a moment, but you should go back to it because I know now that state is your nervous system naturally re-calibrating. That state has a name, I call it "complete and total surrender": is when you drop your mask, your ego, your anxiety, your expectation, your need for validation. You become the real you, 'naked' emotionally like the day you were born, not feeling the need for recognition, not begging and apologizing for existing and acceptance from the world, you are just you, nothing else. And that makes you pure, primal, magnetic. The true you.
I did not know that back then, and it was just temporary, very brief, lasting just enough for making it back home (where I finally crashed) but that explains what happened when I landed at the Airport and went to recover my baggage, something that happened that made zero sense to me back then but I understand it now.
I was at the belt waiting for my baggage, the plane was almost empty because it was a winter flight and most people there were just coming to my city to go Skying on the Italian Alps, so there were just few people waiting with me. And there was her, a beautiful curly blonde girl with green eyes, I did not notice her on the plane but we were few people away and I saw how she looked at me giving me "the eyes" grooming her hair and flashing me with her smile. I don't remember much or why, but I recall I was next to her it was natural, asking her if she was Polish (that was a red flag for me in that moment because of what just happened) and she started talking to me about what she does and where she studies (she was having a doctorate in my city) and she claimed her baggage first then she left, but not before slipping me her phone number, which I took not even understanding what the fuck was going on, had no will at all to meet another woman in that moment, all I wanted was to get to bed and sleep, so I filed it out logically as "I am hurting because I was discarded like trash by the love of my life. This is probably self soothing to prove myself I am not garbage and can be attractive to someone. I will never call her or see her again though".
Then I went home. I spare you the emotional hell you all likely been through on your journey, but the most important thing was my little brother opening me the door and just hugging me saying nothing for several moments, only saying then "you ok?" and I nodded.
I was lucky to have the comfort of my mother and brother (my father was never a capable person emotionally so he tried in his goofy ways to cheer me up, which I still appreciated), but all I needed then was to go to bed, and I slept for 3 days straight. Only standing up to drink and wash, then coming back to bed, I did not wanted to stay awake because every second I was conscious I could feel the pain of the betrayal coming in waves and they never faded, each wave was washing away more and more pieces of my identity, self worth, emotional illusion. So I craved sleep and the peace of nothingness more than anything.
I woke up the third day and for the first time since that fucking evening call months earlier, I could watch myself in the mirror (before I looked like shit) and recognized a shadow of myself. So I took a shower, called my work to tell I was back from the vacation before schedule, took the free time I had to catch up with the study and went to work that very evening, to rebuild my life back from the ashes. I had some of my natural energy back, not fully but it was coming back. I drowned myself in getting busy, every single moment I could think of her it was dreadful, so I made sure I had no time to think. My university suffered because I could not pay the fees in time since I was prioritizing my relationship and the flights and trips were expensive, so I focused on catching up. I was afraid to meet my friends because they would ask and I would have to go through that again, so I arranged my weekends to challenge myself in learning new skills, making job interviews for positions that I would never fill (but I wanted to prove myself I could get the spot every single time, often even being offered a better or managerial position, just to refuse it later - because my study would not allow it - but it was both a distraction and a way to prove myself I am not the subhuman trash she judged me and treated me to be).
The only thing different is that for the first several weeks I had absolutely no sex drive. I was seeing women as danger more than ever, even at the slightest smile or look from a girl I was almost running away like they were aiming a gun at me. You may think it's ridiculous and probably it was, but it took me a while to realize I was both running away from the other sex and disconnecting at the same time from the emotions I lost and still craved so much.
So one Saturday I was at a job interview, a meeting with a lot of other candidates, and I started to have fun, I was playing both the HR recruiting lady and the other candidates in establishing and taking over the meeting guidelines. Result was the HR lady offered me a management position, only for me to refuse it because I explained her why I was doing this interview and that my study leaves me n time (but she slept with me that very night), and after the meeting I was hanging out with other candidates, among which there were 2 girls that I ended up dating shortly after.
So I went out to what some may call a destructive path, or maybe self soothing, I made sure I was always having a girl to meet for every single day, more than one at a time in the weekends, so I had no time to be alone with my thoughts. I am not proud of that but neither feel gui;ty, it was kind of emotional survival, still I have my "code" I was always crystal clear with every new girl I met and kissed how things were to work "this is what happened to me just weeks ago. I am not ready for a relationship. Is going to be just sex and I am seeing other girls. Take it or leave it." It was obviously brutal so many girls gave up after hearing my boundaries, still I did not wanted to ever attach to someone again and get destroyed in the process so I was not caring about it, I cared only about my emotional safety.
And 11 girls accepted those conditions, so I was getting my validation back, again dating like before "she" but somehow it felt even more empty and more shallow than ever. And even those girls who "took it" after a while started to want more from me, so I had to let them go when I felt they were getting involved more than physically because I was clear, I did not want to be hurt again and I also do not want to be hurt or disappointed by a "fucked up unlovable guy" that I believed I was. I stayed away from paired girls even when they were pursuing me like crazy, I stuck to my "code" of never hurting other human beings like I have been hurt, the mere idea of being the cause made me wanting to vomit and I felt sick, I started to develop disgust for every woman who was in a relationship and was giving me the hungry eyes, I started to feel more and more resentment for other guys who were pursuing girls who were either married or in a relationship, in my eyes everything about humanity and "love" was becoming a dirty parody of deceit, disloyalty, disgust.
I was losing completely myself in resentment and for the first time I started to "judge" people like shit, because I was so hyper-focused on those signals I could see them all around myself every day, and I fucking hated it, I fucking hated myself for being unable to accept that this is what relationships look like, I fucking hated myself for being so stupid to believe she was any different while she was following those very same patterns. I was starting to resent equally men and women for what my mind was imagining "love" to be, I started seeing dirty in everything beyond the surface level, and above all I deeply hated myself for being "broken" for wanting something that is impossible and I was getting convinced is not part of the human nature. I was fucked up by the betrayal trauma, but instead of recognizing it for what it was, I started to believe I was even more fucked up and "wrong" because I did not want to give up to the idea and feeling of love while the world was showing me its worst shitshow from its male and feminine sides (and that's what happens to you when you are devoured from within from the trauma of betrayal, you start to notice selectively and project your pain and see it reflected from outside everywhere).
And I started to be angry about my "polygamist dating" thinking I was trying to cope and become "normal" like others but deep down it was shallow and empty, and I could not stand to see in those same girls' eyes the desire for emotional connection that I was too hurt to offer while I craved it, and at the same time I felt like shit because I did not wanted to hurt them but I was too terrified of letting them in and relive again the same hell I went through with all of my 3 exes (with the final death from 'The One', as she truly killed me beyond any hope of salvation), so I started to hate myself the most, and told me I deserved this pain, I am worthless and the worst of all because I want something nobody can give me because it just does not exist, and I am too wrong and broken to accept it and live normally like the others, so I deserved all the shit I received and was feeling because I was unworthy, incapable of changing, and of course she finally saw it and of course she choose "the better man"leaving a stupid naive child to rot in his illusions where he deserves.
That was my emotional development in those few weeks and months after the betrayal. It's an emotional mess where you ping pong between different states and in the end you always end up internalizing the blame, you are the wrong, you are guilty, it's all your fault and you should be ashamed.
So I "mimicked" what my mind was imagining the "normal relationship" scene expects from a guy, I had plenty of girls, zero emotion, I was laying in a different bed with a different person for most of my nights, watching the ceiling and dying inside a little bit more instead of connecting. Because I was trying to convince myself that's what the people truly are, that's how you get accepted as "cool / successful" and the fact that for many from the outside that was exactly what they thought about me, was kind of the confirmation I was following the "correct path, to become better, like the others".
But deep down I knew that was never what I wanted, what I craved the most it was what I just lost, and the depths of despair were lingering just below the surface when my subconscious kept whispering me in the moments of silence "You will never have that. You do not deserve that. Nobody loves you, you should deal with it. Remember what she said, what she did, you know this is the truth. You will always be alone."
And what completely destroyed this brief illusion of "integration into normalcy" was once again, realizing I became more attractive than ever to women in general, most of them in relationships, I was convincing myself that becoming a complete asshole was the way to heal, I was really trying to bury any feeling a girl could spark into me, I was trying to "fix my broken idiotic romantic self" by becoming the complete opposite of any commitment, connection, loyalty... and girls fucking loved it, they were attracted like to a magnet. And I fucking hated it, I hated myself for doing this and seeing their attraction was no longer bringing validation and soothing and "I am no human trash", but it flipped, it became "I am behaving like fucking trash and women crave it. And I am feeling sick".
It started to spiral really quick, from the newly found energy and confidence it was becoming a deep self hate, distrust on females, men, myself above them all. That's when I started to miss her again. I wasn't healing, I was just trying to prove myself that I was better than how she treated me, but I wasn't, I was disgusted with myself and instead of forgetting her and letting her go I missed her more than ever, I missed what we had, no matter how hard I tried I could not come to peace to accept those feelings were fake or an illusion, I wanted to die and get over with, I was losing myself in the darkness once again and the pain came back full force.
That's when I called the girl from the Airport, she was off limits for me because she was polish and she was the first girl I spoke with after the betrayal, but somehow in that moment she looked like the only person who could take my mind off her, maybe poison kicks poison, I don't know why I did it, but I called her, proposed a date and she happily accepted.
So we started dating, and with this one I was extremely careful, almost shy which is out of my personality, I spoke about why I was on that flight, what happened, the betrayal my "current romantic life" and how horrible I feel in seeing paired girls desiring me. Obviously that came out slowly not on the first few dates, she obviously liked me a lot and was always available, listening, vibrant and vital and I had the feeling she gets me, but somehow I did not make a move on her outright, neither did she. Without even realizing I stopped dating the other girls when I started to date her, but her presence was the only one taking me out of the misery. We did not kiss, we did not have sex, but there was a kind of tension and safety that was soothing my wounds, and slowly the pain for the betrayal was receding. Not completely, but enough to get D. out of my mind every moment. Because I started to catch myself thinking of this girl (A.) from time to time.
Then came the day she had to fly back to home in Krakow to defend a Thesis in her uni, she invited me in her apartment for a coffee and goodbyes, I went with a weird feeling of nostalgia even if with her until now it was mostly mental but under the surface emotions were lingering. So we met, had the coffee and she needed to pack, she hugged me for a goodbye and I looked her in the eyes in silence for a moment then told her "I want to say you goodbye my way" and I kissed her. She exploded on me like she have been waiting that moment for long, it was an extremely passionate kiss and she was crying while we left, and I was feeling sad because I thought I would never see her again, but I treasured that moment for me alone.
Then after a day she contacts me back, she sobs and tells me that she misses me and want to come to me but she confesses something else "I have a boyfriend, it's over for me but I did not meet him yet to tell him" and I frozen again telling her she knows very well my "rule" I cannot be between two people, she should have told me immediately so I would never have dated her. And she told me that she knew and that's why she was terrified of letting her feelings out, she wanted to get home and break up before making any step further with me, but I kissed her before she could close the relationship and she felt it was wrong to not come out clean. I felt like shit again, but I understand this was not entirely on her as she was over her relationship before we started dating and did not want to break up by phone but in person. And I pushed her, perhaps unknowingly, but while she refrained to move forward before clearing out it was me who kissed her and she could not resist it.
So even if I felt wrong for that, like breaking my rules, I wanted to believe her and gave her a chance to contact me back once she was free, until then and if she could not, I did not want to hear from her. So she did. She did come back, we took it slow partially because of that unspoken secret and partially because I was developing genuine feelings for her. I became exclusive for her completely like usual, she became my girlfriend and she was making plan to come to live in Italy with me (the opposite of my ex, since I was the one making plans to overturn my life and go to her) and I was shocked by that, but it felt right, and even with small slow steps, I was starting to open up ad feel again, I was starting to heal, she was completely connected and she was the one healing my wounds.
Pass less than a month and she is pregnant, I am half shocked half overjoyed, she starts making plans to finish her doctorate and move here, I am also strangely looking up to it, it feels like we work out somehow, I am still afraid of letting completely go myself but she is pulling me in her world everyday a little more, and I am allowing it. I started finally to feel light again.
It is then when She comes back. She tried to contact me for my birthday on Skype before (while she was still with the OM, so she betrayed him too in my book) and I was kind of detached when she wrote me, I was finally getting her out of my heart and there she pops out, like expected. I do not want to lose my peace that A. was finally bringing in, but at the same time my usual "I have my life you have yours. Forget I ever existed, I already forgot you existed in my life. Do not contact me again." did not came out this time. I was polite and detached, very brief, replied to her but never followed up the rest. It felt weird, expected but still. I thought I was over her and I wondered why it felt so strange that I was not able to give her my "fuck off my life" message, I thought it was due since the relationship with A. was at his very early stage and I neede still time, I informed A. she was unease but she knew how much I was destroyed by her so she thought she could overcome it.
But when she came back the second time it was different. She timidly tried to re-approach me through Skype, she knew from our common friends that I was thriving again and she was missing me and remembering the time we had together, to which I answered "you are talking to the wrong guy, go tell that to your boyfriend" and she confessed he dumped her, she was hesitant to write to me and she understands if I do not want to talk to her anymore, that she only now realizes how important I was in her life.... you know the usual bullshit.
For some reason I could not tell her to fuck off, it disrupted me again, I was feeling confused and a mix of emotions, guilt, longing, anger, regret, the usual mess you so well know. Had to inform A. who was away in Poland but we spoke on a daily basis, she was worried but she told me she knew I need closure and at the same time I told her that I cannot be free if I am still bothered by feelings for her, I need to get over it or it would not be fair in her regards so we'll take a break up until I clear things out like she did with her ex boyfriend before we got together, she was pained by this but she agreed.
So I accepted D. proposal to come back to meet me in Italy in my city, I took that as final closure I warned her upfront it could be very well that I see her, I feel disgust and I put her immediately back on the train to go fuck herself by her new guy (and that was my plan, what I truly felt I would do, just to let her feel a sliver of the bitter taste of annihilation she gifted upon me). She accepted my terms and came anyway.
When I saw her walking towards me from the station I believe I had disgust painted on my face while her face was full of pain and regret. I do not know how or why, somehow as soon as she got close we kissed, it was natural, painful and beautiful at the same time, I could not believe it it was happening but I could not resist it. She was banned from my house (as established before her coming) so I brought her to her hotel and we had sex, among her emotions ranging from tears to joy.
I left her there completely confused of what was going on, I was feeling on the border among happiness and despair, I know I did break up with A. before meeting and I was transparent but I still could not believe that happened. I came home, called A. and told her what happened. She cried, but she told me she expected it, that maybe is normal, maybe it is part of closure, she will still be waiting and give me time to see my feelings with clarity and then maybe I will see who is the girl who has a place in my future, that she believes this is the right way to do it. She thanked me for breaking up before hand and told me to call her when she leaves, but that she did not wanted to know any more details, just my decision once I reached it.
It still felt wrong, but at the same time I could not deny that the moment I saw D. coming back to me everything felt right again, even if I was drowning in a sea of pain and regret all at once again.
We went for a holiday and she was again the girl I met in San Remo our first time, full of attentions and care while I was conflicted and guarded, I was promising myself that no matter how I cannot deny my feelings for her are as strong as ever, I would never accept disrespect from her again.
We came back from the seaside and she left, she knew about A. and the other girls, but she was mostly worried about A., though she was aware we broke up for the time we were assessing if our reconciliation was possible. By the end of that vacation obviously I had to tell A. it was over, that I was back, and that would be painful for her (she just discovered to be pregnant of my child) and it was painful for me because I felt powerless and completely off balance again, I was half rejoicing for my girl coming back and half disgusted I was so weak to betray my code and take a traitor back, hurting an important person in the process. But I told D. that even if it's over with A. I will stay friend with her, because she is the victim in the process and she had enough courage to step aside to let us try to get closure or reconcile, even if it pained her deeply.
But I could not take my foot in 2 shoes, so I was back together with my Wayward ex, while ditching the girl who wanted to build a life with me, she kept tabs on me, we talked from time to time, she was updating me about her career as an actress and public figure, she told me she lost the baby (I never had the courage to inquire what happened) and later that she met another guy and she was planning to marry him. I was happy for her, but I could feel and she hinted me several times that she was still hoping I would finally see reason and come back to her. Which I did not. It was still the fucking 2008 and right after I got back with my ex my Dad had a heart attack, a truly bad one. I spotted it coming, of course until it went down he refused to let me bring him to the hospital where it would have been prevented, and the ambulance fucked up and took almost an hour to reach home. Lucky I smelled it ahead so I stayed home watching that night and I was able to CPR him and keep him alive until the defibrillator came, and they got him back just on the last try.
It was another nice trauma to add to the list, the next 48 hours I was reassuring my family while knowing perfectly thatthe harsh part will be 48-72 h to see if he survives it, but that's an info a I kept for myself, no point into scaring your beloved ones more than they already are. So I was cold and emotionless for those days, I only needed one person to comfort me, D. and I begged her to come and be close to me in that moment. She did not. She reasoned that in this moment of distress it would be bad for my family to have her in the way and promised she will come as soon as the fog cleared out (as she did) and it made logical sense to me back then, but frozen me deeply at the same time (I was working emotionless and completely empty and rational in those weeks after the heart attack).
Luckily he survived, and I did a good job with CPR as he got minimal scarring and damage and made a full recovery. And as promised she came then. I was cold and detached from any emotion all that time. When she came I brought her to a restaurant on a nearby touristic lake for a weekend of relief, and while we were sitting on our table waiting in front of the lake, I was feeling relief in her company there I had my first real panic attack. It felt like an heart attack, sudden, terrible pain in the chest, I could not breathe and I started feeling like dying, my heart was racing like crazy and I was sure it was over. It lasted maybe a minute then completely disappeared, but scared me (and her) shitless. I recognized it for what it was, a panic attack, and I ascribed it to my dad's event and my emotional overload back then (but it wasn't it was one of the first physical manifestations of betrayal trauma, just got mixed in the events).
It was the first of a long series, that intensified in frequency slowly becoming a daily occurrence. Then it was joined by gut problems, appetite disorders, sleep pattern disruption, constant anxiety, hypervigilance, GERD and esophageal ulcerations, psoriasis skin flares, sudden neck pains, headaches and lower back pains, nausea, dissociation, de-realization.
I was spiraling back, I had troubles in my med school internship because as the attacks were increasing I was starting to freak out sometimes while operating a patient, I ascribed it to my dad's but I am sure today it was a different kind of trauma, because you probably had this kind of shit when you suffered the same betrayal trauma I did.
so that shitty year finally ended and we got in 2009 and she seemed more caring. Before it ended I exploded only once, I was in Warsaw visiting her, it was September I went to her office, demanded she to come down and talk to me and I told her "admit the truth, you met this guy before breaking up with me. I know the truth, lie me more and I am gone now" and she cried and admitted to the betrayal, confessed everything even if I knew it all. I was partially relieved she came clean and partially hurt that she kept up her comeback to reconcile beginning it with a lie.
I thought that would be enough to forgive her back then, or at least part of the process. I was wrong.
However the new year started, she was caring and more close than before, but after several months she started again expressing fears about the possibility to build a future together, that our long distance relationship was viable and not just a dream, those fears though understandable rekindled the pain once again.
So I bought the ring I was planning to give her the year before (just before I felt she was betraying me, then obviously that idea was off the menu) and I realized her 'engagement dream' that very summer during our summer holidays: to be proposed in Venice, I knew of that dream of her since we met in 2005 in San Remo (I was taking notes already) and so I made it happen, I brought her there with an excuse, she started to become emotional when she realized we were crossing the bridge to Venice, and I brought her to a small island with a little park, so I kneeled there and asked her to marry me. She said yes, but I could spot some hesitation (that brings up to a far more recent DDay) and later she seemed genuinely happy about it so I overlooked it, but my instinct felt it.
And no matter what the year after (2010) we were planning my moving to her to Poland, I rushed it because no matter the engagement she was still afraid about our future and I was again in the fucking loop of feeling the need to prove my worth an commitment to her, to reassure her that it was true and not a dream. So I spent that year turning my life upside down for the second time: I forsaken my career as a surgeon and my studies, left my job, prepared friends and families and planned how to start from absolute zero in a foreign country where I do not know the language, have no education or prospects, beside the One I trust to be the love of my life, and I am confident I will figure it out somehow it will be fine, she was buying finally an apartment where we could both live leaving the small one she was renting where I was betrayed (which I could not stand), so for me was looking like a fresh start.
So February 2011 I board the plane with a one way ticket and get there. Nothing besides my few things in my luggage, ready to start a new life from zero in a new place, expecting the joy on her face when she will finally see that is real.
Guess what? When you think of wrong expectation remind of this: joy was not there. She was ok with it, but underlining was a kind of disappointment, the kind of feeling you get when you think you are doing a surprise to someone you love and you get a "oh, it's just you." comment back.
I let you imagine the feeling. But I was positive I explained myself that she was worried about the difficulties because she took a mortgage and I was there unemployed and with no usable title to boot, so she might be afraid of financial hardships (that I put into account that's why I wanted to finish my career first, but her anxiety about long distance relationships and her past betrayal put me at an empasse where it felt like "is now or never", so I took the leap of faith). One last thing I remembered I said to A. when I was about to depart, I called her to tell her I was moving to Poland to live there and I can still remember her painful voice when she cried "You are coming to Poland but you are coming to the wrong girl!". In hindsight she might have been right.
So in the beginning it was hard, I found some shitty office job where I could use my basic knowledge of English, but it was low payed and she disdained it with contempt, then I found Italian native speakers are very popular there and a lot of people (mainly girls) want private lessons, so I did that. After a while I started teaching in language schools keeping private lessons on the side (I did not have that education background but I am fast in learning new skills) and I got quite popular and better paid, soon enough I got recruited at the Warsaw university as a native speaker lector so things were moving forward. Still I was bringing home less money she did from her law firm and she had real contempt about it. Which was painful, it was not a rich salary but on par of many normal families and I was doing everything I could to keep creating something stable starting from nothing.
But was not enough for her.
I was also keeping following my passion project, and early Artificial Intelligence that I started to toy with in 2001 (I had many different interests before her) and so I bet on that. Started pitching to angel investors and venture capitals, got few millions in founding, started a Startup company, become the CEO, patented my tech in 31 countries and started to work with the technical university to create a PoC and a MVP of my system.
And it fucking worked, I realized one of the first AI long before any ChatGPT was in it's inception. It was 2015, her father died and my mother died shortly after due to a routine hospital operation fuckup that cause complications for both of them (they were young and healthy for the rest), her father died a month before I officially established my company, and we wanted to marry quickly so my mother who was also in bad conditions, could be at our wedding and see us.
Truth is, when I moved there in 2011 I already planned marry her immediately, it was her contempt and lowkey irritation at my showing up at the door that slowed me down, I understood that if I would not prove myself worthy (again) of providing she would never be happy, so I did not wanted to take this step until I was sure to have it secured it financially.
So apparently that year was another, for better or worse, memorable year, 10 years since we met, our parents died, we got married, I founded a Startup and had a millionaire investment backing me up.
I was fresh in business beside my small activities but I managed to make it work and realize it. Turned out to be a pretty powerful tech even if it was completely outside the box (I am not an IT guy, but I have a passion for tech, so I came from a different angle) for cybersecurity application, outranking anything on the market still today. There was a lot of money, not in my pocket though, until I brought the company to profitability I was paying myself a minimum wage salary even if I worked over 100 hours / week, because engineers were expensive and I was directed at making it successful first. She did not like it. After short she started to have complaint and contempt and discrediting what I did as more of "a hobby" or childish dream, which was eating me inside. At the same time she was charmed and stunned every time she interacted with my partners and investors seeing their wealth she was feeling intimidated and amazed so she was ping ponging between that amazement and discrediting my efforts like "unrealistic".
That until I was ready with a refined MVP and opened an office in Italy where I thought I could launch the product into a richer market than Poland where I have some connections and sway, 3 years later in late 2018, started to operate in 2019 (you know what's the next surprise was waiting for me behind the corner that year), and by chance once she was visiting my family she came to see the office (I thought she might be curious to see) and my desk and her reaction surprised and confused me: she was stunned and she almost jumped me there on my desk, I had to calm her down because it was a fully windowed tower and is clearly visible from outside, but I realized that situation was very telling of her psychological state: she did not have any real respect or trust in me or my skills, she saw me still as the long distance summer romance and student, she did not realize until she saw what was going on that I was grown into a more mature person. She did not truly believe in me, only in what she could see and touch materially and superficially. On the other side, I could not get her then because for me it was obviously just a risky big money exposure, not the real value until we conquer a market position, but she was blinded by the shiny things than her belief in me, and realizing it was another harsh hit in my self esteem.
Since that moment she became a different wife, she was energetic, positive and looked in love. I wish I would say that was feeling better, and to some extent it did, but truth is it made my panic, anxiety and PTSD even worse because I was slowly dismantling my denial about her behavior, hot and cold attitude, contempt and frustration. She did not really "see me" she was only putting attention of what she could get from me. Someone else could replace me just fine at any moment, as long as it provided her with same or better validation.
And it fucking killed me again. But I soldiered on, I went forward, made a big contract with the Italian PA in November 2019, big financial exposure that required hiring more people and investment but the payback was big, and right before it started we got lockdowns, and everything stagnated. I managed somehow to keep it afloat, but we took a big hit, of millions, and the people I hired that I could not use were under contracts that were difficult to rescind outright, so this was a financial disaster for me.
And the cherry on top was her: as it happened she doubled down against me and "see? I told you it was stupid, you should find a real job" and her contempt and criticism skyrocketed to levels even higher than her first betrayal.
I would lie if I say this was not soul crushing. The financial hit was bad, but I managed to save the situation and preserve the assets and connection with the important clients which are still active today. But I became a ghost of myself, I fell into depression and she bashed me even more for it (one day she was supportive and caring, the next day she was pushing me down like a worm, telling me how difficult our marriage is for her and how many 'needs' she has unfulfilled, never ever fucking asking or even knowing what I ever 'need' by the way, it was me who must prove his worth to her).
You know when you think you reached the bottom and you find out there is still room to sink? That was it. It was soul crushing and destroying me as a person.
By the way another thing to note is since we came to live together and we married, we had basically a sexless relationship, she never wanted that kind of intimacy unless we were on holidays or she was in the mood, I learned rejection as the normal, the only exception being when we were trying for a child, which we had issues because she caught a fucking STD from her affair, she infected me with and always denied to seriously investigate it and cure it, we were constantly getting generic antibiotics without really diagnosing it, an that maybe lowered the symptoms and discomfort for a week or two then it was back full force. I know that for her to acknowledge it meant to acknowledge her betrayal, so like the rest she swept it under the carpet, after all was another excuse to avoid sexual intimacy with me.
Only recently after my own comeback from the abyss she took it seriously turns out is the kind of STD that causes infertility in both partners, I had to suck it up because any mention was reminding about the OM and triggering her to become aggressive and insulting towards me. So the only period we had some sex more often than 5-7 times/year was when she tried to get pregnant, she dictated when and how and how often and I was so low that I just played along like a beatup dog.
We could have ignored the STD but surely it was still there, so we failed to get a viable child (she had a spontaneous abortion or perhaps too very early, like this STD causes), and she was so frustrated with it that sex almost completely stopped (exception on holidays, she becomes a different person when not in Warsaw) and we moved to adoption.
So we have a wonderful adoptive girl, who is my little angel and she is the true woman of my life now, we had her when she was 4 and she just turned 9, like these children she has her own traumas but I am proud of how much progress she made, she is beautiful, intelligent and sensitive and I vowed my life to make her life and future happy.
But the situation in our marriage was turning too toxic, and it was also impacting her. My wife's contempt and disrespect was overflowing so much that begun to impact our daughter, at some point she was constantly dismissing and ridiculing me in front of her and I see that was damaging to her, but I was drowning in my personal hell so everyday I had a little less fight in me. You know the feeling.
And in every public situation where we were together, any social event she was more than happy to parade me around, I look good, I make an impression, I make other women jealous, but I could not unsee her constantly flirting with other guys, intervening if I am talking to someone just to downplay or make discrediting comments or paint me as a fool when I am having a conversation. I should be on display but she basically uses me as a meter to make other guys she flirts with look better. And I fucking hated that, but I was down to the point I had to apologize for breathing too loudly.
This finishes the very long premises. It sound a story of desperation and hopelessness (because it was) but here is the thing: you may keep drowning and feeling there is no end to your personal hell, but at some point you will see it, there is a bottom, and once you touch it you stop being afraid of falling there again.
So here is what I call the "switch" what changed my personal hell into my current stronghold, my unshakable true self, which I mentioned briefly earlier.
It happened just last end of September, during our annual meeting of adoptive parents a moment I dreaded because I feel like a ghost there, nobody gives me much care because I always made sure to merge well into the background, even because whenever someone tries to make polite conversation about what I do in my life or just normal (obnoxious to me) small talk I am sure to see my wife pitching in and minimizing what I do or think and making fun of me with "don't take what my husband says too seriously" or "he talks a lot of things" with her fucking eyes rolling - which is weird because in private she is always coming to me to ask my opinion and listens carefully to what I have to say or think and she really adopts my point of view many times and respect me, but in public she behaves like a different person - so I learned to become background avoid the humiliation and frustration and I just become a presence, keeping my stupid mouth shut.
That weekend I was sick (her comments on that being - you sleep on the couch until healed because I need to sleep and you heavy breathing is annoying me - ) and Poland is rather cold in September already, so I was doing in an out the hotel to the campfire where we met with the kids and parents. It was the first day and it started like always, her taking the scene, talking to everyone, being cheerful (way too much) with men and considerate with women, completely ignoring me about few sparse or snarky comments. I always tried to avoid conflict because there are children but this time instead of just hanging there I decided at least I would taking care of my health and go back to the room to change or get something warm when I was getting too cold, I was feeling already different mood than usual, kind of detached.
The last time I came back to the campfire I stopped in my tracks and I saw her from 50 meters away laughing with another man in a flirty and inappropriate way, bearing a body language than any male can clearly read like a neon sign "I am available, please fuck me" from a mile away.
But this time I did not feel pain. This time I felt no sorrow. I felt nothing, but clarity. It was since ages my mind saying this like I could hear it clearly "I see now. I accept it. But I don't want this anymore. It's over." I walked calm to the ampfire, I said goodnight and went back to our room. I felt light, calm, no signs of stress or emotions, I went to the mirror and seeing my reflection I just felt "I have only myself to give the world. I can't be nothing else. So that's what it will be. Take it or leave it, I do not fucking care." and went to sleep, thinking I will divorce her on Monday.
I woke up in the morning with my wife and daughter still sleeping, I expected to feel rage and anger looking at her but here what I felt: nothing but peace.
I did not feel hate for her. I did not wanted to divorce her anymore. I simply did not care.
I walked outside, it was early morning only the staff was up (which I perceived as pretty distant and unfriendly the day before) I asked for when the bar opens because I wanted a coffee before taking a short walk, the kitchen would only open in 2 hours but they were suddenly all so nice to me and friendly, the girl from the kitchen opened the bar just for me and insisted to make me a coffee or two. The other girls told me she could cook me a quick breakfast, they did not wanted even me to pay for it. I said no thanks, and took a walk, early sunrise lake and colors were all so vivid and even the cold air was not disturbing, I was still ill but felt better already.
So the day went on and I was just feeling completely light hearted and minding my business, slowly I started to notice the men and women fro mthe parent group approaching me in a friendly way, inviting me to talk, drink or eat something, all the kids were orbiting me and that went along for the entire day until the next campfire. I am used to women being generally very nice to me, but not about men, everyone was acting with me like an old friend, even a guy who I was sure was always tense in my presence and I was convinced hated my guts suddenly became best buddy. I was full of kids around keeping asking me how to do their own campfire or this game or showing me their hadiworks or asking me to play with them, I was suddenly the main requested adult in the group and it was feeling nice. Everybody was warm and I felt connected with me, with one exception: my wife.
For the first time since I can remember she was completely silent, she was coming to sit next to me, but barely said a word, she was just staring into the fire. I knew right then she too "felt it".
I will not go too long into what happened next, but what happened to me once I reached the bottom of the abyss was this: Surrender. It is the death of your ego, your mask slipping out, your acceptance of yourself and the world with absolute clarity and no apology. You are who you are and that's all it matters. She did not elevate me to emotional maturity, she broke me so completely that I had to let my identity and ego collapse into dust. There is no more mask here, there is only your true self, with both its light and its shadows, naked in plain sight for everyone to see, you are not hiding anymore, you need or want nothing else than just being in this very moment, unapologetically and this is simply magnetic to other people, they stop "expecting" from you, they just instinctively accept and trust you because you stopped pretending.
And this is the light at the end of the tunnel, is not coming from outside, it's already buried deeply inside you longing to be set free.
So what happened with my wife since that moment? At first she kept up the usual bullshit, I laughed it off genuinely amused by her comments about "my annoying breathing" I just did not give a fuck and replied with sarcasm that destabilized her. Then she started to worry about my psyche thinking I became "bipolar"and I joked about that too exponentially playing that bs labeling into ridiculous jokes, she quickly learned she cannot label me "mentally unstable" because I liberated myself from her abuse.
My depression disappeared, my gastric and bowel problems too, my skin healed, I stand tall again towering over her instead of being curved below her eyes, I cannot walk in a place without getting some girl gasping for air and I now "see" other women's desire and feel open to it, I just do not care about pursuing anything below my standard or validation from anybody. Men are friendly they give me room , people are competing to talk to me. In few weeks I worked out, "lost" weight (In reality I lost some fat, I gained weight but is pure muscles) I kickstarted my business again, found new prospective investors, reconnected with key clients, gathered a team of new people and I am ready to launch a new company with more confidence than I ever had.
I came back to life again.
And my wife came back to me with an intensity that she probably never had. She quit the bullshit, she changed behaviors, she opened up and confessed what was going on while we were engaged just an year after her first betrayal, once she understood deep down I always knew the truth. DDay # 2 she had a romance with her boss at the law firm right before we got engaged, she insist it was mostly looking and flirting by eyes, but one night when they were on the company trip, and they were walking back to the hotel room he grabbed her and kissed her. I discovered that immediately after another girl, prettier, younger took action and took this guy away from her. This guy was the kind of predatory man she was always into: "status" successful (as long as you can call that for a small eastern european law firm, but the toad is the king in his pond), using and dropping women, multiple divorces at his back, many affairs, many office flings. The other girl beat her to him, and even turned him against her, so she was resentful and frustrated even while we were planning my moving there to come to live together, but she felt relief when she saw what happen to this girl after (impregnated, abandoned and ditched like trash after a short while like all the others).
She is slowly realizing that she never truly seen me like a person, I was some kind of a placeholder figure for a role. She is in therapy now, she is avoidant and emotionally unavailable, se is terrified of losing me and she still cannot realize that "you lost me in 2008 when you betrayed me and fucked that guy. All that came after was me trying to resurrect something that was dead long ago, and I paid with my soul the price of it."
I told her everything that was before is gone. Marriage is gone, all was built on a foundation of her lies and choices, and I feel nothing about it, it's fine, but I just must take care of me and our daughter from now on.
And you know what happened? She cried, she experienced the same primal scream from the soul and it replayed up exactly how it happened to me when she betrayed me the first time. Only difference is when she could not breathe and felt like she was going to die I was there and I told her "It's normal, you will not die. It will break you but you will feel better after".
Today she is crazily in love with me, she cannot have enough of me, she confessed her insecurity about my appearance vs her, about my intelligence and drive and that she felt so worthless that she was only feeling accepted when "powerful men" showed interest on her. And she feels disgust with herself because she swears deep down she never felt connected to anybody else like she feels with me.
I am not merciless, but I have no filters. I believe her, she is telling the truth. I am also telling her the truth that I love her, but I am no longer in love with her. She killed that part forever, it is gone. Nothing more can ever be built unless she completely kills that part of her ego that was leading her to make those decisions.
I am not pursuing other women, though I am already plenty of options I have a complete new standard, my true and original one: I will only be with a woman who can give me back what I am able to give her. Unconditional, deep and true connection.
I am offering her a hand because I am in a better place, but I cannot drag her u. Either she can step up and do the work herself, or is just a question of "when" I will walk away, not "if", because I am not blind anymore.
This experience changed me at my core. It was really like coming back from the hell. She is putting in the work, I can see how really hurtful and ashamed she is, and I can see her emotions are the one of the girl "I've seen" on the balcony. But she needs to destroy that fucking mask completely, resolve her traumas and become a truer person, otherwise nothing can ever be built again with her, and all that was built on lies is no more, because it has never been.
Whatever will be our future it will be good for her.
Don't get me wrong, when I say I do not care I do not mean I do not care for her current suffering or her emotions, or I have no emotions: I d feel, I do feel deeper than I ever felt in my entire life. Is just the emotions come in the moment, I feel them stronger than ever, I absorb them and accept them, then they pass. They do not linger, they leave only clear sky behind. I do not care of what others may expect me to be, I can only be myself, like you can only be your true self, anything else is just an act, a pretending facade, a mask hiding your fears.
I do not judge her, but I have my boundaries now, now the boundaries of my old ego, my real self. I need no acceptance from anyone but I wont take disrespect by anyone either. And this made me feel a natural connection with anyone, even strangers feel comfortable in my presence and I feel comfortable in theirs. I discovered I was never asocial or weird, I was prisoner of my traumas like she is prisoner of hers.
I managed to break free and I wish she can do that too.
Because this is the life we were all meant to live, fully.
It was kind of nightmare journey because it felt like hell, and many of you are probably walking the same path down the abyss. But you can become a survivor, survive this trauma, even if you do not see hope right now, I know you will see something you can relate in my story, and do not lose faith in your true being: what happened to you was horrible, was something that kills the souls and the identity. But if it true it was meant to destroy you, it is also true it is meant to make you rise above the ashes, and entering the world without any social mask, but stepping in like you. Because in the end that is all that you truly have and all that truly matters.
If this can help you to feel this tragedy you are living now could lead to a better place, my time in writing this was not wasted.
I felt again every single moment of what I wrote here, things that I never told anyone before now. The pain is still there when you recall the wound. But it fades away right after once you surrender into acceptance. I promise you, if you can take that one step that seem impossible, you will be on "the other side" and you will see this absurd game of betrayal and cruelty for what it truly is: a sad little game of broken egos and traumatized people. Once you see it from the outside, the other side, it does not scare you anymore, you will not be afraid of falling any longer because you know what lies at the bottom now.
And more importantly, you will know you will be again free to love again, and this time without fear.
