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My several kids are late teens and young adults. They are all doing really well in school, career, relationships, and of course I’m happy about this. But the decline of the amount of care they need in some ways feels brutal. I wrapped my life around their needs for so long. I always had hobbies, interests, friends, etc. My husband and I took vacations without them sometimes and they had other important adults in their lives. But I also chose a career that was flexible even before they were born so I could prioritize their needs, I made choices to optimize their opportunities, etc. In retrospect I wouldn’t change anything. I’m just having a really hard time with the adjustment. I don’t think I need advice, but I’d be happy to hear from others who have experienced the transition from actively parenting their kids to whatever is next, and what that was like for them (even if it was really different from me). I think I just need to sit calmly in the middle of the rough patch for a while and other peoples stories would help.

Also I’d love recommendations of books, movies, art, poetry. Nothing is coming to mind right now that reflects this moment but of course it exists! I guess the Persephone story is closest! I do feel like Ceres sending winter across the land!

Hi Pippin,

I'm curious about this too! My oldest is in his 2nd year of college and next oldest will be off to college in the fall. Not as far along as you, but it's coming!! It's definitely been a change in parenting in recent years. I'm interested to hear from others who have lived through this transition.

Do you have one on one time with your kids? Where you can continue to build your relationships instead of giving care? Just a thought. I'm on a bowling team with my mom and see her every week for dinner before bowling together. Some kind of weekly/monthly activity may help it to feel less brutal.

little turtle

We have one child, a son. When we took him to college. I was afraid W & I would have nothing to talk about so I taped a host of albums. Cassettes, so they were unwieldy. I think we took 30 tapes (60 hours) with us for the 1,000 mile (14-16 hour) trip home.

Tough trip - we did have stuff to talk about, but we loved the music, too. We had a hard time choosing between talking and listening.

If you've got a partner, my reco is to reconnect. The kids leave. If they don't you'll probably want them to leave.

I guess we took some joy from anticipating new milestones - bringing home a girlfriend, a grandchild, visiting the kids, seeing them become adults, seeing how be came the same as us in same ways and different in others, not to mention enjoying the freedom of needing to please just the 2 of us.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:55 PM, Tuesday, February 10th]

This may sound stupid, but we were really feeling the empty nest thing. So we bought a hot tub several years back. It's like a magnet. We can still interfere with their lives!

The Prophet- by Khalil Gibran

Your children are not your children. They are life’s longing for itself.

Good book.
Talks about lots of cool stuff.

What do you do? You find something else to do. Volunteering always feels good. And dogs….. dogs…… all the dogs…..

Thank you everyone, I appreciate your kind messages and thoughts.

littleturtle, this stood out to me:

Where you can continue to build your relationships instead of giving care?

I think I am so much in the mode of "giving care" and I need to think differently about this.

sisoon

The kids leave. If they don't you'll probably want them to leave.

This is funny! It reminded me about something that happened recently - one of my friends mentioned in passing that her daughter calls her every day. I was worried - my kids don't call me every day. Should they? Does that mean I have a bad relationship with them? Then I talked to her later about it and she complained that her daughter doesn't have any friends and she wishes she would just listen to a podcast instead of calling and they don't have anything to talk about.

thatpbguy

we bought a hot tub

I'm planning an extra great vacation next year to lure them.

3yrsout

Your children are not your children. They are life’s longing for itself.

I've read Khalil Gibrain but not lately, I think it will mean something different to me now. I will read it again, thank you for the reminder!

We have 4 children, 3 adults now and one early teen. Only the oldest has moved out. The other adults still live at home (sort of) and are going to college. The 18yo sleeps at his girlfriend's house where she lives with her parents. I have absolutely loved watching them become independent people. They are so fun and interesting now. We have wonderful discussions about everything. I like their friends and romantic partners, too.

They are busy. Hardly ever home. I don't see them much on a day to day basis. I make an effort to chat with them when I do see them. Otherwise, I'm enjoying doing my own thing and relaxing. I like naps.

We do fun things together. Last weekend, the 21yo, his girlfriend, and I went to a shooting range. The 18yo and I are going to a rock concert in May. I will be visiting the one who lives on his own this spring.

I am still in the childhood phase, she just turned 9 so is a big girl (seeing her size of shoes she will likely overshoot mom in few years).

Still jumping in my arms and wanting to bounce on the lap.

I am finding that connecting a bit with her world (school trends, even the kind of internet bs) makes he both happy and more considerate about the stuff she "consumes" - if anyone knows the brainrot... well is stupid, but acknowledging it and being playful with her about addressed her interest to smarter kiddie stuff -

I am a bit of a kid at heart, so I do well with children and teenagers.

I think the moment she will rupture with me will be more around the late teen, 17-19, when she will be more into the romantic stuff (and I will start collecting salt shotgun cartridges).

We are on the joking phase, she is starting to wonder about future boyfriends and her dream is a dog.

I promised I will get her a big, k-9 trained dog as soon as the first boyfriend shows up.

I am curious how will be to see your little child become slowly an adult.
It's a joyride, we strive not to fuckup doing the same mistakes of our FOO, but hey, we will probably make new ones.

The main thing she learned, and she is really trying: "No matter how bad you messed up, you must always tell the truth".

Seems to be working, she confessed stuff kids usually lie about, and the fact that instead of punishment she get understanding seem to encourage her in the right direction.

Long way from the "I swear did not eat the Nutella/ Biscuits" with the mouth full of chocolate when she was 4.