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Would you be annoyed if your wife valued everyone’s opinions, but yours?

My wife got a tattoo. She didn’t show me the designs. She didn’t say, "This is the design I’m getting — what do you think?" She didn’t even tell me when she was having it done.

I questioned my wife about this, and her response was that I didn’t ask and that I took no interest in it. The only reason I knew she was getting a tattoo was because I said I would buy it for her birthday.

She showed her family, our daughter, and her friends at work. But all I got was the bill. I would have liked to have seen the designs and talked about her thoughts with her. I wanted to feel included.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Before she had the affair five years ago, I remember her saying that she doesn’t care what I think. If she likes something, my opinion doesn’t matter to her. It hurt then, and I still remember that day today. I thought we were past that, but after her acting like this, it makes me feel that I’m irrelevant and that my opinion really doesn’t matter with regards to her life.

This isn’t about control or saying she can or can’t have a tattoo — it’s her body, she is her own person, and she makes her own decisions. But it’s about the fact that a tattoo, which will be clearly visible and is permanent, is something you would at least talk to your husband about with regards to designs.

I brought this up, and she is now saying that it’s my fault. I should have asked, and I wasn’t interested. If she really felt that way, why hasn’t she brought this up before now? Why is she only bringing this up now that I’ve expressed feeling excluded and like I don’t matter?

Ever since her affair, I have been feeling second best — left out, always like I’m at the bottom of the queue. Everyone else seems more important.

It feels like I’m no longer allowed to express how I feel, and she shuts me down or turns it back onto me.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

No. A tatoo is a permanent body alteration. If I decide to get one I would want to know what my husband thinks more than anyone else.

I think you are making a need known you have in a relationship that she is not filling. You want to be her number one, the person she talks everything through with and she doesn’t see it that way.

After infidelity that need is probably exacerbated. Most couples who reconcile do it successfully because they dig into each others needs and learn to be conscious of them.her insensitivity tells me she is still not considering you.

Now I do think communication is important and I do think you have to convey your needs, but you have done so and she still is brushing it under the rug. Her response should have been "oh I am sorry I didn’t even think about that. I will do better moving forward I never meant to do that to you" and then you should have seen changed behavior and more checking innit something dismissive which is what she gave you.

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do about this and I think you need to tell her this sort of thing is indicative of what you are experiencing as a whole. That what you want and need in marriage is a deeper friendship and interest in each other. If she doesn’t move the needle your feelings about this are importwnt enough to reconsider if you can reconcile with someone who is not interested in working in themselves or your relationship. This is a red flag for sure.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:16 PM, Thursday, February 19th]

Thanks for your reply, Hikingout.

Her first response was to blame me. She said that I knew she was having it done and that I should have asked. She is now saying that I took no interest in her having it done, and that if I cared, I would have asked.

I’m now starting to think that maybe it is my fault. Maybe I should have asked. maybe she is right.

She has only now brought up the fact that she thinks I took no interest in it, only once I expressed my disappointment about not being included or kept in the loop. If she was really bothered about me not taking an interest, wouldn’t she have said something before now? It works both ways.

I know we have a communication issue, but the feeling stems much deeper than that. It’s about my opinion not being valued. Do I really matter to her? Does she really care?

As you said if you was getting something like a tattoo your husband would be the first that you talked it through with.

I see this as a red flag. But it’s not just about the tattoo anymore — it’s about her twisting the narrative and making me out to be the problem.

Yeah she’s pretty good at turning things around so that you question yourself and accept blame where you deserve none.

She’s never stopped being a WS. I would personally have drawn a correct conclusion that I don’t matter, except for my labor and paycheck.

What you call has a name: lack of respect

Devaluation

She has not you high enough in her priorities to value your feedback.

Means she is still a WS for you.

NOw, what hikingout said is how a WS who is reformed would act. Because is how ANY partner would act:

Your partner and you are a thing, a bond, you want them in in your intimate choices and they want you in in theirs.
Is natural

Why a WS may lack respect?

2 possibilities.
- A they just disrespect you. But if that was the issue, you would be single already. Love and attraction cannot survive without respect. BEcause is the foundation of trust.
- B She did not solve her low self worth (and people pleasing). SO she wants to get validation from people for her choices (tattoo) but she does not value yours. Why? Because you are worthless? Not necessarily (or she would have left you, see A), often the WS sees the BS as an extension of themselves, so if they don't value themselves (low self worth) and the BS chooses them, this means the BS is low - value (projection)

She may even love you, but project her insecurities and low self worth onto you. Because you chose her. Because you love her. Because she feels like she has you.

There may be variations but usually is something along these lines.

And your intuition reads this. That's the sting you feel.

And since it hurts you it means you still love her right?
So do not ignore this, this is a big red flag, especially since she was already a WS. Talk to her, confront her, and tell her that she needs to address this issue in therapy, IC.

OR you will find yourself in another DDay, only matter of time.

This is likely not sustainable for you, if she is in denial or resisting help, then the 180 is your only friend here. Start preparing your exit strategy because you are going to bleed again.

That's the alamo, latest wake up call.

BUt only she can make the step. The WS must heal the WS.
YOu can only help her to notice what she is ignoring.

No, I certainly don't think you're making too much of this. It sounds like she's told you outright, on different occasions, that she doesn't care what you think. That's pretty freaking blunt. And it shows gross disrespect. You are the one, maybe even more than her, who has to look at the tattoo, whatever it is. Personally I absolutely hate tattoos and if my husband got one, it would really bother me....especially if he didn't tell me in advance. Your wife doesn't seem to respect you or involve you in mutual decisions. I would assume this goes into other areas of your lives too. If there's no actual infidelity scenario presently, I think marriage counseling might be a good idea as you need to be involved in these decisions, there needs to be discussion and concern about your ideas and feelings. I don't even know how a marriage can work without that. She acts like you're not part of a couple, and that's never good. So definitely - you're NOT making too much of this. This IS an issue.

No…if it bothers you..you’re not making too much out of it.

Though, I think you should have asked her. Getting curious brings you closer together.

I mean you were paying for it as a gift. That shows interest in itself. I think this is indicative of a larger issue that this is only one example of.

I guess my thoughts on this lean toward your wife’s response to you.

You give her the gift of a tattoo for her birthday. Upon giving her that gift, you have zero interest in what she’s thinking of getting?

It strikes me as odd that you didn’t ask. That there was NO conversation about it seems odd.

I mean, if I was witnessing you giving her this gift, I would have had a natural curiosity to ask what she was thinking of for the design, where she wanted the tattoo, etc.

So my guess is that she expected you to have that curiosity, too. Instead, you never bothered to ask? And maybe she was hurt by that.

So she figured you really aren’t interested, not even mildly curious. And even though you knew she was talking to others about it, you still never brought it up? Instead, you sit back and wait to see if she will tell you?

This sounds like a lot of resentment on both sides.

This issue isn’t about her tattoo. At all.

It doesn’t have to be the mountain.

Can’t for the life of me as a BW believe I’m saying this….but….perhaps she’s afraid of burdening you more than she has….and you’re afraid to engage because you might be hurt.

If you’re both all in….you’re both gonna have to be brave and throw out the outcome…and live in the moment of where you are.

Thank you all for the replies.

@5Decades, what you said really resonated with me. She said exactly what you just mentioned. Her original response was that she thought I wasn’t interested, and that I could have asked. Since I didn’t, she just didn’t include me. I suppose it may have come across that way, and that’s how everything went wrong.

But after I told her how I feel, things went from bad to worse. No matter what I said, she would turn it around on me.

I told her that I feel like I can't do this anymore. I explained that things have changed over the past couple of years, and we're not the people we used to be. She said that this is all I ever do—threaten to leave. Her words were that I'm full of sh!t! She said she knows I’m not going anywhere. She told me I should be over it by now because no one cares anymore. It happened, it's over, so I should just get over it.

She said I need to get on with life. She said that when things seem to be improving, I bring it up again. She said I will never get over it. Then, she gave me two options: stay and get over it, or leave.

I was angry and said maybe I should go and have an affair. Her response was that I don’t go anywhere, so how could I meet anyone? She knows I have no close friends and no family, and she uses that against me, saying I have nowhere to go. I’m stuck, so I should just get on with it.

She finished by saying she doesn’t want sex anymore. She doesn’t want sex with anyone.

Something has changed. She’s become very cold.

I feel stuck. She’s right I don’t have any close friends, I hate my job, and I don’t go out.

But it’s like she blames me for everything. She says it’s not her destroying us, it’s me. Yes, she did a bad thing, but she’s not a bad person.

Then a few hours later she says she does love me. But we cant keep doing this. Its like she wants help paying the bills and that feels about it. She wants a house mate not a husband.

It feels like we are missing connection. Should hold my hand, she holds me in bed and cuddles me but I don't think she is sexually attracted to me. there is no sexual connection and when coming out of an affair all i can think is that she did everything to have sex for hours with him yet she has told me that she doesnt want sex with me.

I feel lost. I dont know how to fix this. Because she says she does love me. I can even see tat she does try. But is it just to pay the bills

Just ran this by my wife. She said she understands why you feel dismissed, which is actually pretty insightful for her. She also said that if she were to get another tattoo she would want me to be there with her to help pick out the design, especially if I were paying for it as a present like that. She wouldn't make an appointment unless I could be there, too.

I get it, and I agree with Hikingout. You offering to pay for it as a present already shows a level of interest, so I'm a little confused that she would say something along the lines of you not showing any. I don't think this is a major deal breaker or anything, but could be indicative of some deeper underlying issues involving respect, consideration, and basic communication. This is something I think worthy of discussion, maybe with a MC or something.

I went through your older posts, including the one where you tell us divorce would never be an option.
I’m not going to suggest you divorce, but I am going to warn you that without that option being there – even if you don’t want it – you are probably doomed to this being the best she will offer.

I’m trying to recall the name of a terribly bad movie I once saw. Basically a man in the 17th century became immortal. Couldn’t be killed no matter what. In one scene he was challenged to a duel, and the opponent had repeatedly stabbed and "killed" him, only for him to stand up again and repeat the process. The opponent grew increasingly frustrated and even after the unkillable man apologized for calling his opponents wife fat, eventually shot him with a pistol. Only for the man to stand up again... and again...
For some reason this scene came to mind when reading your posts...

If anything then this site – and I as a poster – is branded as "pro-reconciliation". I think the only requirement to get that brand is simply seeing R as a possible option. However R is not the process of remaining married, it’s the process of being in a mutually happy relationship. You then have to understand what is required to be happy. It’s probably a lot of things, but I think a key-factor is being appreciated and respected by your partner. Honestly it doesn’t sound like your wife does either towards you.

Hear me out: If you – like the man in the story I mentioned – view something as unbreakable, you risk not taking the correct care of it. That guy didn’t think twice of being run through with a saber because for him life was infinite. There was no way he would be killed.
If you view your marriage the same way you are potentially dooming yourself to be repeatedly run through with a sword. Again and again.
And again.

I like to think I have a great marriage. Just like I like to think I can’t cheat. But part of the reason I have a great marriage and don’t cheat is because I am aware that neither is granted. Both are earned. I realize that if I don’t tend to my marriage, my wife might want a divorce no matter what I want. I realize that if I’m not aware of risk I might enter a whore-house, or accept the offer of a "happy ending" at the beach-massage or whatever.

I have a feeling – based on what I read in your older posts – that your wife wants to move on from the affairs. Like her statement that she’s over it but not you...
She get’s away with it because just like that man who was run through with a sword for the tenth time she KNOWS you will simply stand up and accept some more stabs.

I AM NOT SUGGESTING YOU DIVORCE.
But accept the fact that unlike that actor in the movie that could be run through endlessly then YOU have a limit, and your wife might have a limit to how often she runs you through.

I strongly recommend you two discuss WHY you are married. You should feel safe to bring this subject about the tattoo to her in some statement like:

Your tattoo brings to mind some statements you have made in the past about my opinion and views not mattering to you. This tells me that you don’t value me as an equal and don’t really respect me. It’s more like you tolerate me. Add this behavior to your decision 5 years ago to have an affair, it makes me wonder WHY you remain married to me? Why do you sell yourself so short as to remain with a man you don’t value or respect?
I really think we need to get to the bottom of this. Is this truly how you view me and how you see me? If not, then what can we do so we show each other the respect and value a married couple should have?
You know I don’t want divorce, but if we are really at a stage were you simply tolerate me and have no respect or value for me then you should seriously consider if you are better off divorcing me. I don’t want divorce, but even less do I want to be where we are right now.
Can we please work in some organized and structured way to deal with this – for example through therapy?

I’m trying to recall the name of a terribly bad movie I once saw. Basically a man in the 17th century became immortal. Couldn’t be killed no matter what. In one scene he was challenged to a duel, and the opponent had repeatedly stabbed and "killed" him, only for him to stand up again and repeat the process. The opponent grew increasingly frustrated and even after the unkillable man apologized for calling his opponents wife fat, eventually shot him with a pistol. Only for the man to stand up again... and again...

Highlander! The Highlander, Conor MacLeod is recalling a story with another immortal he meets on a bridge when that friend suggests throwing a party, reminding him what happened "the last time you threw a party" 100 years ago.

"Stop, sir! I beseech you. I apologize for calling your wife a 'bloated warthog,' ha ha ha. And I beg you, good day."

Sorry for dragging it off topic, but I know the movie well and couldn't resist. Plus now you know which movie it is you're trying to recall.

Nothing will change UNTIL you change Bose85.

It’s something the cheater or former cheater counts on.

I have a similar relationship with my husband. First, we have very different tastes so his "opinion" on my outward look is rarely something I care about. If I like it then that’s what matters. Furthermore, he rarely comments on my appearance choices short of saying I look nice which leads me to think it’s not important to him. This doesn’t bother me nor do I feel like not asking for his opinion is disrespectful. If he was getting a tattoo and the location and design mattered to me I think it would be on me to ask questions and get involved. By not doing so he’d assume I didn’t care and the same would be true if I was getting the tattoo.

I think the tattoo is the "topic" here, but the behavior of both of you is the "problem".

I want an honest broker in my partnership. I have to be able to believe what my partner says is a valid expression of their feelings and beliefs.

In your case, you admit that you threaten to leave, but also say you will never leave. You act disinterested in her tattoo, yet become hurt and angry when she respects that and doesn’t include you. This isn’t an honest broker in the partnership. It makes it very difficult for the other person to know exactly what is going on and they have to guess all the time. "Did he mean this, or that?"

So just as she broke your trust by cheating, she has difficulty trusting what you say is a valid reflection of your feelings, plans, and needs.

In my own past, I am guilty of this. My husband wanted us both to go out with friends. I didn’t like the idea because I didn’t like one of the people. So I said, "no, go ahead without me, I’m fine to stay home". He went - because I gave him the impression I really was fine.

But I was not fine. I was angry that he didn’t stay with me, and angry at not being "chosen" over them. I was not dealing honestly with him at all. He took me at my word. Then I blindsided him later by being angry and starting a fight over it.

If one (or both) partners are not dealing honestly, the situation is set up to fail.

I think the tattoo incident is just the example of this.

And I see major contributing factors include her failure to accept 100% blame for cheating. This needs to be addressed before your ability to "move on" will ever be an option.

FiveDecades said what I would say (but 5D said it better).

You two are talking past each other and expecting mind reading and are building up a ton of resentments.

Resentment is an insidious evil in a relationship. You both need to figure this out and stop it.