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DD was 9 months ago. My WH is in IC and is working hard and seriously on his issues. His behavior toward me has changed significantly — he is supportive, attentive, and empathetic. We are working towards R.

But: although he says that for the first time in our relationship there are no secrets left and that he experiences this as a great relief, he has a panicked fear that I might get in touch with his AP’s BS or obtain more detailed information about the A in some other way.

In particular, this is about a chat that he deleted completely immediately after the A was discovered (and before I could read any of it), but he doesn’t know whether it still exists on his AP’s side. He says he is afraid that being confronted with the details of the A could undo all our efforts toward R. He hopes (expects?) that I would refuse to look at this chat (or any other deeper information about the A) if I were to gain access to it unexpectedly.

It is quite possible that I actually would refuse, in order to protect myself and avoid retraumatization. But that depends, among other things, simply on the timing. And in any case, it would be MY decision.

(Context: There has been no contact with either of the two since DD; BS advised us both explicitely not to approach him, so unless one day BS changes his mind this is all rather hypothetical.)

Still, my WH's panic gives me an uneasy feeling. If truly everything were out in the open, then he could be more at ease, couldn’t he? WS perspective highly appreciated.

[This message edited by 7m46s at 10:30 AM, Friday, February 20th]

IT gives you unease feeling because once again is trickle truths.

The fact he panics about that chat means he knows full well something significant was there, enough to delete it and fear you may ever come to see it.

And I imagine he does not want to tell what was about.

From the sound of it I could speculate is about "his deep love for the AP, how he was doing everything in his power to leave you for the better woman (the AP) and live happily ever after, how they are soulmates and unique and how they plan life with children and all kind of limerent crap".

nd he could be either bullshit or limerence when he was into it. That's what could be so terrifying into you finding out.

Now it is understandable, if he is truly remorseful he does not want to lose more respect into your eyes by showing you the naked truth of how he conducted the affair. He might be afraid that will break the back of the camel and you will finally leave him.
That's why he deleted immediately.

So it is understandable. In part.

on the other hand he is again choosing to defend the Affair and the Other Woman rather than defending you.

Retraumatization? Nah, not that. You are too fresh into it, you are STILL traumatized, it will take years of hard work for you to truly begin healing that wound. Actually he still keeping secrets and hiding the sordid truth from you is a blockage to you healing from betrayal trauma.

Because as you feel the sting now, you will always remember about this final lie that he refused to confess to you.

In short, once again, you are not chosen, like during the affair. This time again he is choosing himself and the OW.

Now the question is: is he doing this maliciously?
Maybe not.

If as you say he is truly committed to R and guilty and remorseful, in his flawed character he might truly believe he is "protecting you" (because that chat was real shitty and he remembers it very well), but in reality he is protecting himself, his ego and the affair partner. At the cost of your peace.

WS need to make the work to understand why the BS needs to hear the truth, ALL truth, even the disgusting most revolting parts of the affair.

Because hearing that is painful and crushing for the BS, and will pour salt into their wounds. But, and is the least understood but, the truth is the critical ingredient to rebuild the trust that was broken by the betrayal.

You will suffer when knowing the content of that chat, be sure, because he is guarding it so much it will be hurting you terribly.
But the mere fact he will disclose his lowest detail of the already low betrayal, means he is displaying to you the most vulnerable, shameful part of himself for you to see, judge and decide what to do.

Showing you that horrible shit means he trust that no matter what you will do, you deserved to know, and he will accept the consequences.
And this will help you to rebuild trust (after pain).

Not knowing save you from the immediate pain, but your mind movies will spin it for the rest of your life, maybe making it even worse than it truly is. You will not have peace, he is making sure you can never reach it.

Lies and secrets are no good for R.

Try to explain him, hopefully he will understand.

YEs it is a matter of transparency, you are right.

Without it you are building the new foundation of R over explosive, and if you don't take it out it will blow you both up someday.

BackfromtheStorm

It could be that the chat contains things that don’t match what he has told me — for example, he says he never told her that he loved her, and such a chat could contradict that. Or it could be what you suggested: that he is now emotionally so far removed from the affair that he would feel a deep sense of shame having to read that sex talk again — or knowing that I would read it.

My gut feeling says it’s the latter.

And that makes it almost exactly what you wrote:

Now it is understandable — if he is truly remorseful, he does not want to lose even more respect in your eyes by showing you the naked truth of how he conducted the affair. He might be afraid that this would be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and that you would finally leave him.

The fact that he no longer has access to the chat himself likely adds another layer: the awareness that he is at the mercy of the AP or her BS, which probably brings up strong feelings of helplessness and loss of control for him.

Thank you for your perspective. In the discussion with him I wasn’t really able to put my feelings into words or to get to the core of why his position felt so wrong. This helps me a lot.

[This message edited by 7m46s at 2:35 PM, Friday, February 20th]

I reached the point where I was leaving, walking to my car, before I got the entire truth.

The very FIRST thing both my WH and the AP said was, "We never said we loved each other!"

That was the major thing they wanted to cover up. Not the photos, texts, emails, cards, letters….nope. The fact that they "loved" each other.

It wouldn’t surprise me that they said it. And that he has too much shame and self-defense happening he cannot admit it.

Thank you for your perspective. In the discussion with him I wasn’t really able to put my feelings into words or to get to the core of why his position felt so wrong. This helps me a lot.

Happy this helps, I have 17 years of experience in not giving words to suppressed emotions after betrayal, and I know the bomb they are if undefused.

It is important that he knows how it makes you feel, it is important to you to learn the language of your emotions, that will help both of you (above all you) to heal.

And he is in the "reforming" process, he does not have a clear picture yet, only shame and if you are lucky, the initial understanding of regret and guilt (it will take time for him to fully empathize with your pain and understand, feel true guilt)

I know from experience when the WS acts like that, they are hiding something that will be painful for you.

But I know what happens if you do not confront it. Mind movies, flashbacks and all that wonderful stuff that makes a BS imagining worse stuff than it might have been.
The WS need to understand there is nothing that can make it worse right now.

The worst, the unthinkable already happened.
There is nothing to salvage of their past image and ego.

Since the betrayal it is already zero, or lower.
Showing you trust and truth is actually the first painful building block to rebuild their worth in the BS eyes.

I mean, my wife fucked another man, should I now be shocked if she told him "I love you" or had sex talks?
Of course they had, why do you want to edit reality making me think "it was not like with you" and so on. Do I look like an idiot? So why does my partner treat me like one.

The worst already happened, I know, you know he knows.

No point in edulcorating it, it was shit, show me the truth when I ask, you already gutted me, at least I can acknowledge what you done and don't keep those question obsessing me for years.

We have a wound to close, leaving secrets is just like closing the wound without draining the pus. You will not get healing you get an infection.

Drain it out and move on, the temporary pain is a small price to pay for the future peace and rebuild of trust.