SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a year and a half post D-day and still struggling so much some days. My husband has completely changed and become so much better which has helped so much, but I still can’t get over the betrayal. I know I will never "get over" it but I find myself spiraling a lot still. He has told me they both never wanted to leave their spouses and it was just a "fantasy." But he has also told me they did say if circumstances were different what if they were together kind of things. He says it was never real for him, but I just can’t stop thinking about it.

I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I wish you much peace and healing. This is very difficult and I know others will be along soon to offer their experiences and support.

Hi, many on this site claim that year 2 is worse than year 1. The shock has worn off, and the reality of the betrayal has really set in. The consensus here is it takes 2-5 years to heal, for some of us a bit longer. A nuclear bomb was dropped on your life, the fallout is long and wide.

Getting through this nightmare is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be times when you take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, you need more time to get off of this emotional roller coaster.

I was probably the queen of spiraling, triggers many times sent me into a rage, PTSD set in, and I couldn't really control my emotions. It took me YEARS to trust my WH again, and to be honest, there will never be that 100% trust.

Are you meeting with a good therapist to help you navigate the betrayal?

I am so sorry you are having a difficult time, but IMO what you are feeling is very normal.

But he has also told me they did say if circumstances were different what if they were together kind of things. He says it was never real for him, but I just can’t stop thinking about it.

I understand how you feel. it's natural to feel bad, because it sucks to feel replaced.

Is another cut inflicted with the rest that comes from the adultery.

I can offer you how that "what if" translated into reality for my woman.

She had 3 affairs, on affair 2 she was in a moment of her life where she felt she could get everything right there, right now.

So she left me for the affair partner. The better man.

I was devastated.

It lasted about 2 weeks since the moment she got what she wanted, that the spell broke.

She suddenly realizes this guy who does not even reach my neck is fat. He is kind of ugly. He is abusive and selfish. He has zero morality. He does not respect her. HE is not really that intelligent or sharp. He is not funny or charming. She really would not like her parents to know about this guy. There is no connection. He gets sex, she gets nothing (well she got SOMETHING, an STD).

She tries her best to make it work, because after all this is the love of her life right?

Couple of weeks later, she is writing back to me, telling she feels she did a horrible mistake, begging to give her another chance.

(I knew but she never admitted betrayal, we had a long distance relationship, different countries).

There you go, that is about what would have happened if your husband left you for his AP. The vast majority of times that's how it ends. Those who stay together, they end up cheating on each other. Is very rare 2 adulterers end up in a stable relationship that survives, and betrayal will be always there with them because that's how it started.

The moment the excitement for the clandestine relationship is gone, dopamine fades fast, what you are left with is a greasy, often low value person that reflects back to you how greasy, low value person you made yourself to be.

You burned your family to the ashes and sacrificed it all for this AP, and you became just like that.

And you know what?

They DESERVE to find that out.

p.S:

You feel bad because he makes you feel "less than ... OW". Well you are not. You are too much of a woman for him too, is HE who is "less than... the man who should share your bed".

Right now he is nothing, and you gave him the greatest gift a partner could ever give the other.

A second chance. That nobody deserves.

You had the balls and spirit of sacrifice to do that. That's called Love, is rare and precious.

When the best for us, the right thing to do is to keep them out of our life, hearts, even memories.

We suffer more offering this, I even got an STD from her "better man", kind like the universe telling me I fucked up in "forgiving".

You are not "less than...", not at all.

You are the prize.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 4:34 PM, Saturday, February 21st]

Sounds like you are doing amazingly well Chasingsunsets. I'm coming up to four years since D-day. It's a long road I'm sorry to say and has to be walked the slow way. Please don't be hard on yourself.. it's so natural to find you can't stop thinking about it. You are trying to find your footing... find what is solid and what is not. It really takes time and it's wonderful to read that your H has changed so much and that's helping. But the damage is deep and requires a lot of time and care.

I would also say I don't like the word 'just' ... 'just a fantasy'... I'm guessing the reason you are here on this forum is because it did enter reality in the form of betrayal. To read the 'just' positively I imagine it's the sort of thing a WS would say to reassure that it wasn't worse than it was. It does run the risk of minimising what has happened though.

Anyway just want to stand with you... a few years down the line from you.. and tell you that I still spiral though less often than before. Certainly at 1.5 years... it was still front and foremost in my mind a lot of the time. I'm comforted to read that the general consensus here is 2-5 years. And of course some of that will depend on how well the WS handles the reconciliation (if that's what is happening).

All the very best to you.

Thank you all. I am working with a wonderful therapist (and he is too). I sometimes feel discouraged and hard on myself for not being further along with healing by now, but I guess I need to give myself more time.

Backfromthestorm, I feel so much of this. The "woman" he cheated with is much older and not attractive so I find myself spiraling over how he could have chosen her over me. She also proved what a horrible person she is, not only because she very much knew he had a wife and children at home, but when I found out she sent me a message begging me not to tell her husband. She told me she needed her family and that I am young and beautiful and will get through it, but she would kill herself if I told her husband (I told her husband). I guess it’s true that they don’t cheat with better, they cheat with easier!

[This message edited by Chasingsunsets at 1:28 PM, Sunday, February 22nd]

You are the prize.

This ^^^^^

I will share this from my experience (of course take what you can use/want from any advice or experience shared)

I deeply regret the time and energy the infidelity stole from my life. If I had it to do all over again I would have not given "a rat’s left hind toenail" which is a regional saying that means I would not have given much if any energy to exwh or his aps. I would have 💯 focused on healing myself and any DC. 💯 on what I needed and wanted to heal and thrive. There was a world full of faithful partners. Why it took me so long to see it. I was the prize. The faithful one. The one who could be trusted to build his family not destroy him. It was 💯 on him to show me why I should choose him.

Chasing,

One time, I told a woman I loved her.

What did it mean?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It was just what I understood I had to do to get her to put out. (Didn’t work) (Not proud of this, btw. Young and stupid)

Don’t forget the old saw: Men will offer a relationship to get sex.

Don’t dwell on what he may have said.

Probably just trying to maintain access.

Best wishes.

I completely agree and this whole situation has made me (and him) realize my worth. I used to put up with a lot of poor treatment, but since the moment I found out we both knew I would never tolerate it again. He realized how close he came to losing everything that really mattered and knew I had (and still have) every reason to walk away. He has been willing to do anything and everything to save our marriage and truly treats me better than ever now.
He has told me everything they said meant nothing, he was chasing validation not love. I want to believe that, it’s just still so hard to understand.

I am hoping this will help you.

"Chasing the affair" (to me) is acknowledging it was an addiction. Often the cheaters don’t love the OW-they LOVE 💕 how the OW makes them feel.

Because the affair is a fantasy. It’s not based on real life. The cheaters aren’t living together and dealing with bills and sick or aging parents or kids with crazy spirts schedules and jobs etc.

Nooo……they are getting a few stolen moments of escapism - pretending to be something they are not to the OW who is also pretending to be something she is not.

None of it is real. It’s not true love - though the cheaters think it is. It’s not a relationship either — but the cheaters think it is. It’s not sustainable either — but the cheaters swear it is too.

IMO many many affairs occur because of the satisfaction that cheaters get from "getting away with something". It’s the adrenaline rush they crave — not the Affair Partner.

I hope this helps you.

While the affair may not be "real" in the sense of genuine love or affection, it IS real in that expressed what the unfaithful spouse is REALLY like and what they are willing to do to their spouse or loved ones to achieve this fantasy. And that is often pretty effing horrible. So I don't personally care if what they're after is "real or genuine or well thought out or imaginary" or whatever because it's horribly real for the spouse and family that experience this. And to me, that's the most important thing - not the cheater's mindset, but what they are willing to do to achieve this and the wreckage they leave around them.
I would rather condemn than either understand or sympathize because those things don't really change anything. Understanding doesn't feed the bulldog.

Chasing,

You can’t understand it.

Period. You can’t.

You don’t have the same void he was trying to fill. You don’t have the same character weakness he has. You don’t have the same brain chemistry.

You can’t understand it. Stop trying. You might as well try to understand why a dog is barking.

Focus on what he’s doing to fix himself, so you don’t spend the rest of your life wondering if he loves you; if he’ll do it again.

Best wishes.