Some time ago I found an interesting perspective from a US Couple Therapist, she does seem to specialize on betrayal and attachment more than "healing the marriage".
I liked what she says, I found in her videos plenty of explanation that resonates as I can observe directly from my direct but also indirect experience (here and to other people victim of betrayals, like my wife's close friend)
What she says is: Usually 2/3 of relationship can R with the correct work from both partner if they are committed.
She exemplifies that "not all infidelity is created equal" some kind of have a higher chance of R than others.
So the 5 Types of cheating and what they mean for your Reconciliation, the Marriage:
From "best" to "worst" chances of R.
1. Accidental Infidelity
All cheating are a choice, but some choices are made under the influence of substances, alcohol, strong external psychological pressure or stress.
It's a one-time thing. The person who did it is immediately remorseful and confesses it to their partner.
It's still hard for the betrayed partner and wayward too, but usually the R can happen with this kind of Cheating. It sits in the 2 thirds than can make it.
2. Opportunistic Infidelity
This is the kind of cheating where the person is "out of town" (literally or metaphorically) and an opportunity presents. They are not under the influence but they do it nevertheless.
In this case as well usually the cheater feels remorseful and confesses the betrayal to their partner. This is also in the 2/3 that can usually recovery with work.
If the partner lies or tries to keep it hidden, is more aggravating, is worse, but still possible to recover.
3 Emotional Infidelity
Emotional infidelity is establishing an emotional bond with an Affair Partner, it is a relationship in full, whether it turns physical later or not, it is a replacement of your partner. You develop an emotional attachment, you don't get over it easily.
IN this kind of betrayal you now HAVE TO lie, be sneaky, betray your partner at every steps, they last a long period of time. Often the people involved in emotional affair are in cognitive dissonance and denial, they do not even realize they crossed a border.
This kind of infidelity is a coin toss, can go either way in the matter of R. 50/50
4 Situational Infidelity
This kind of Infidelity it's happening during a temporary situation.
Let's say you have a long distance relationships, your partner misses you but during this temporary situation they have sex with someone else. It wouldn't have happened if they were there with you (more than likely, but it still might). The cheater feels lonely, they are not sure what you are doing, etc.
This is up in the scale, because this infidelity is for a short period of time, usually very intense and completely in another compartment of the cheater mind, the person does not feel remorseful, they feel it's ok what they did.
And this is a bad one, often out of the 2/3 of R.
A variant of this is compartmentalized infidelity, identical to the above but you lead parallel lives, your main relationship, and parallel to it the affair that exist in a completely different compartment of your life, separated and never overlapping it.
It's your "little secret" that nobody in your life knows about, the person doing it feels justified, it does not bother others, is "just my little happy time", "I deserve it I do so much for everyone and deserve to feel happy".
Like the cousin one, this is a bad one for chances of R.
5 Chronic Infidelity
This is serial cheating, they might have one or multiple affair partners, usually is one at a time, but even going to Therapy, doing the work they go right back to always looking for another AP, they will be cheating as soon as the opportunity presents.
You can put all effort and therapy you want but this person is almost impossible to change, so it is almost impossible to truly R, because they will fake it and never truly stop to search for the next Affair.
Better drop it and save yourself misery and pain.
I found it interesting in this perspective, giving a scale so you can identify where your Relationship places and how hard your R it is going to be.
Also I liked that the Emotional Affair is where you draw the line between the "I don't know what happened to me that I did this!" to a true betrayal, a replacement of your relationship with another so you do not feel guilty outright, because you attached to the AP from here on.
So they are obviously "in-between" these types of cheating, they go up or down depending how much intensity, time and deception they involve.
How I read it, you can have a physical affair between 3 and 4, is not emotional infidelity because you get physical, but is not yet unremorseful and intense like the situational, is a ruler of a spectrum where you can add your personal experience.
They are not causality linked and consequential, so it is not that 1 will escalate to 5, they are different starting points with some overlaps.
Different kind.
Where do I sit on this spectrum?
Mine is literally the number 4 description. Maybe even between 4 and 5.
I found this helpful, I hope it helps you too in finding some clarity.
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 5:48 PM, Saturday, February 21st]
