SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m about 8 months out from DDay.

The past few months have been really hard， a lot of anxiety and depression. During that time, my H was present and available, which is part of why I’m starting to consider R.

But I’m struggling with how it actually feels day to day.

When I’m with him, I still see him as the person who hurt me so deeply. It’s not anger as much as sadness. I don’t feel safe or "in love" — just heavy and sad.

For those of you who are further along in R and feel like it worked (or is working):

What actually helped you get to a better place?
Did the feelings change gradually with consistent effort (check-ins, transparency, etc.), or were there specific moments that shifted things for you?
Besides the basics (like 100% transparency), what made the biggest difference?
What did your WS do — specifically — that helped you heal?

I read some posts and people keep saying the WS has done a lot of work, I'm curious what does that mean specifically?

Is he willing to talk about the affair?

Doing the work is a term that refers to the cheater:

Making amends

Being remorseful (as opposed to being regretful they were caught)

Willing to communicate and answer questions about the affair

Making decisions that take into account the betrayal (such as changing jobs or avoiding the affair partner if workplace/colleague affair)

Going to counseling

Doing everything they can to help the betrayed feel safe and start to rebuild trust

The past few months have been really hard， a lot of anxiety and depression. During that time, my H was present and available, which is part of why I’m starting to consider R.

Present and available would mean willing to talk about what, when, where, and how it happened. Is he really present and available?

Mine is a negative example because is all I got, I ended up marrying over a false R, so I am not reconciled and I know what you feel because is the same, minus the pain replaced with indifference.

anyway might be of some use:

what she did to illude me of Reconciliation.

- She came back claiming she missed me, done a mistake, we have a unique connection (usual bull***)

- At first denied the affair, then confessed it after pressure

- Cry cry cry in a way that looked remorseful, in reality it was shame of being caught, not empathy, but we read it as we wish it would have been

- Being present, available, attentive, thoughtful (not negatives per se, but when shame driven they are not connection driven, they are transactional)

- " Normalizing" after time when she felt more secure that I would not leave her, slowly tune all down, step by step, little by little, until it was again as "before" - and we tend to read that as we recovered as a couple, while in truth is the Wayward returning to their pre-cheating baseline, so they might lay low but they are again in the same condition that might lead to another betrayal, infidelity.

What did I feel along the way:

- Craving to get back, as before, to find the connection again

- Bonding, hysterically, sexually and emotionally, as that would exorcise the infidelity

- Disgust and heaviness, developing a physical "ick", that made me hate myself anytime we had sex or other physical intimacy, that slowly tears you apart from inside. No matter how affectionate she was, a corner of my mind was always seeing her with the other Man having sex or intimacy and that was torture. I wanted to vomit every single time

- Hating mysef for what I felt, feeling unfair towards her, trying to force my feelings to change and stop digging out the infidelity

- Always wanted to talk about it, never allowed it, always buried it down and told myself it did not matter.

- With a lot of effort suppressing anger, pain and sadness, I managed to reach a state where the thoughts were not surfacing anymore, I was only thinking with my logic and composure. It is then I developed PTSD, Anxiety, Devastating panic attacks, getting worse over the years and culminating into a depression with suicidal tendencies (strong enough to avoid it, but oh so tempting). - I would call this dissociation.

Not useful to rebuild likely, but you understand why I warn so much not to ignore your emotions and to listen to your feelings.

Suppression was not working well for me, I destroyed 18 years, half my life, and it was impacting everything not only time with her.

In the end, when I accepted it, all went away, and we are right back at step 1. Or better negative 1, as we are back to the issue of her infidelity, like it just happened, with all its fallout. I would call this Integration

Hopefully you can make something useful from a negative experience as well.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 2:06 PM, Monday, April 27th]

I didn't decide specifically to reconcile for years after DDay. I decided to work on it....and if I needed to tap out, I gave myself permission to do that.

There wasn't just one thing that shifted things for me, but a million little things. Consistency, check ins, creating safety, transparency, IC/MC for us both, and a metric ton of work from both of us.

Work for my FWH was showing up differently. He went to counseling for A recovery and came home with homework....and did the homework. He made meals when I couldn't eat. If I said I needed something, he listened and provided that to the best of his ability. If he said he was going to do something, he did it. He became present for me in ways he hadn't done before.

It was all these little things over several years that shifted the hurt for me.

My hard work was having to heal myself whether or not we stayed married.

I can say that we have a marriage that is so much better than it was.

I think everyone has mentioned what WS needs to do to demonstrate that they are doing the "work". That is obviously one of the most important things to set your R up for success but I will forewarn you, being 4 years out myself, your relationship has been fundamentally changed FOREVER. You have to be willing to accept that. The analogy that has stuck with me is that the A is like a broken bone that hasn't quite healed right and you still get the nagging pain periodically. That is not going to go away but should lessen with time. It's important that your spouse recognize that and know that when a trigger comes up that they need to be there for you with things as simple as a squeeze of the hand, a hug or maybe a conversation if it's warranted. They can't hide from this and hope it just goes away. It took a while for me and my WW to recognize this. It will, as unfair as it seems, take quite a bit of work on your part too. You need to be willing to openly communicate when you're in pain so that your WS can help you through it. 8 months is still very fresh so you have a ways to go, in my experience, before the pain starts to significantly lessen. Again, I'm 4 years out and it has, but coincidentally the last 2 weeks have been rough after several months of feeling pretty good and it's simple things like: Plot lines in TV shows about affairs, news stories, etc. Those can come out of nowhere and strike a nerve even years later. BUT if you're committed to R and your WS is doing all of the "work" you can come out of this with a relationship that is healthy albeit with some scars. Good luck and I hope things improve.

I’m so sorry for your pain, when you’re in the sadness it’s hard to see anything out of it, but you do come out of the sadness, if you’re heard.

Talk, don’t be afraid just talk with your H, he needs to be available to talk about anything at any time.

What is helping me is a lot of things combined but mainly my H shows me every day that I’m his number 1 priority, consistency, transparency, communication and support, able to talk about the A and his actions at any time without flinching, meets all my needs and is able to step in and emotionally carry me if I’m struggling.

Be very gentle with yourself.

Would you seriously consider divorce? I think that IS the best solution for most people. It automatically states and sets your boundaries, what you will and will NOT put up with, how you want your life and relationships to proceed, what your values are, it gives you a clear direction forward where YOU take charge. You are not at the mercy of someone else and whatever you think they mean or believe or will do. Reconciling to me is....yeah, maybe we can get past this if I eat enough shit. Yes, I do regard it that way. And so many people "reconcile" for not months, but YEARS...YEARS later they are still having trouble with this. And why? I understand practical concerns - raising children, lack of money in a hard economy, health issues, a marriage of decades that would be very uprooting - I understand people stay together because of things like that. I did myself. Would I have preferred to leave and do I think it would have been the better choice if I could have? Absolutely. It almost always is. Don't take the long term pain if you can do the short term - as awful as it is, it gives you a chance to be free of bullshit, free of doubt, free of gaslighting, free of these endless conversations, free of wondering - just move forward. Divorce is moving forward for most people, IMO. That's why the Bible allows it because...it's that big a break of marriage. It is THE big break. It is a statement of disrespect, lack of concern, unkindness, bad treatment, psychological abuse, lying, often drug or drink issues, exposure to disease, sometimes financial cheating, etc. If you stay, you're staying with someone you know wanted someone else pretty damn badly, enough to deceive and hurt you in the worst way. Do you really KNOW this person and how can you ever really be sure once you know....you don't know them.

Why do people reconcile? Well....love....I guess. What are you loving though? What you thought you had. People always want to go back to the Eden of the past and you can't because once you know, you know. And for most people that doubt is gonna stay in the mind which is why even now over 10 years later, I'm occasionally checking the phone messages or asking little pointed questions. Not because I have any great romantic ideas, those died as they usually do, but because as a sick old person with limited funds and no family, I want to know where I stand in the future. I think a lot of time it's fear too....that this is the best I can do, especially at an older age. Maybe that's actually true sometimes as far as a partner goes. Maybe it's not but is it worth all the other pain? Most of us become widows or widowers at some point anyway and we have to learn how to be alone again. And sometimes....you just stop caring and accept that it's a routine like a job you need. Not the way you wanted it to turn out, but it's a fact of life like the Moon. It's the best you can do.

People always want to go back to the Eden of what was before, but once you know, the gates are shut. You can't go back. You know too much. That you know at all is the problem, how can you view someone the same way when you see this whole side of them you could never have imagined especially the lying, deceit, manipulation and gaslighting. I am astounded even today at how my husband can LIE TO MY FACE so easily....when I know the truth. I'm sitting there and I KNOW the truth...and he lies like he's tying his shoes. He's NOT unusual, unfortunately. He's common.

So....have you considered divorce? Seriously. And shove this reconciling bullshit. Even if you reconcile eventually down the road....maybe each of you will have learned something and people can grow...sometimes. Not often, but occasionally. But if you just stay in the marriage, you're staying in and with the problem and why do you think it's really going to change other than just go deeper underground. What produced the infidelity is not just sex, it's a personality and morality issue that is within the other person. It's not YOU, nor something you can change.

I know this is not a popular view here and many will disagree but I have to throw it out there.