SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yesterday was the three year mark since D-Day. D-Day is a funny kind of anniversary, one I’m sure we all wish we didn’t have!

I used it as a day of reflection. A day where I looked to see how far I/we have come and where I sit with my feelings.

Life is pretty much back to normal for us now. Normal in that we live day to day with no real issues, I don’t really need to talk about the A anymore (except maybe the occasional snide comment if their is affairs mentioned on TV or something). I still think about it though, probably more than I care to admit. I still look for her stupid car when I drive (I used to see her all the time after the A).

I look at the improvements in our relationship and in my WH behaviour. And I also note the behaviours that have not changed or only changed a bit. I am mostly content where we sit but I know deep deep down that the man I used to love will always be tainted in my eyes. I still care for him deeply but that love is well and truly gone.

I still won’t wear my rings anymore and when I think of ‘old age’ he’s not there. We are both working very hard at the moment to get us into a comfortable position for retirement but I see us going it alone, I’m not sure where he sits with this. I still struggle to believe him when he tells me he loves me. I just know how he was raised and how he lived prior to me gave him no clue how to love the way I want to be loved.

I think it’s a shame our lives have ended up this way. I can see how much our love story could have actually been a good one but that’s not the cards I’ve been dealt. I find it also sad for my husband because I honestly see how he has changed and how he tries to be a better person.

I know I sound ‘sad’ but I’m not. I’ve accepted this as my life and I find so much joy and happiness with my children, with my friends, with my career and with my hobbies/sport. And my relationship and our family is also fun and fulfilling with trips away and doing special events, it’s just our ‘marriage’ is done.

I can say from the other side that the sadness lingers even after divorce. It's the loss of a dream - the one that went from plan to nightmare to whatever life is today.

I'm glad things are somewhat better for you. 3 years is a long time to weather this particular storm, but it's also not that long when it comes to healing a wounded heart. I'm approaching the 4 year mark, and I remember having similar feelings at 3 years, and I still have some of them at 4.

I hope that whatever the next year brings, it isn't more pain, and that you continue to find joy and a measure of peace!

it’s just our ‘marriage’ is done.

Sadly...that happens in EVERY A. An A is a dealbreaker...PERIOD. The M is destroyed. This part SUCKS!!

We were at a seminar once...about trust. The host stated that losing trust was like having your home destroyed by a fire. Everything is LOST...except for the foundation. You have something to start from IF the foundation is good. This time though...you can rebuild with knowledge. The things you didn't particularly like in your "house"...you don't have to add it when you rebuild. The things you would have really liked to have had in your "house"...you can add them now .

I am happy to see you write that you aren't sad...that is a POSITIVE thing .

That word...accept...always got to me though. After Dday I was saying the "Serenity Prayer" over and over again...I really TRIED to accept what happened. But I always had such a HARD time. How could I accept what was unacceptable???

One day I was watching The Animal Channel...I believe it was about meerkats. The commentator was talking about how the environment around them had changed...and those that couldn't ADAPT to it didn't survive. That was my AHA moment !! I didn't have to ACCEPT anything...but I could easily ADAPT to this life I found myself in!! I liked that MUCH better !!

My environment changed and wasn't coming back. I needed to adapt to the new environment I found myself in...only THIS time...I wasn't just going to survive...I was determined to THRIVE!! One thing I definitely changed was my way of thinking that we can't change anyone...only ourselves. I still know that to be true...however...I added that IF my H wouldn't change himself...I didn't have to ACCEPT it. That was a FREEING moment for me .

I had always been a passive person...but NOW...I was going to live MY LIFE the way I WANTED. IF my H wanted this life too...GREAT! If not...I would find someone who would!! He readily AGREED to living the life I planned out...and we are HAPPILY walking down this path TOGETHER .

I know deep deep down that the man I used to love will always be tainted in my eyes. I still care for him deeply but that love is well and truly gone.

YEP. For ME...I had a love for a person who wasn't REAL. I used to think my H was so STRONG. He was a Marine...Semper Fi and all that!!! When he confessed to his A...his WEAKNESS became so apparent...and actually made me a little sick. It made HIM even sicker...to know that he let his integrity slide like he did. BUT...there's always a but ...this revelation helped him to work at becoming a man of integrity again...and it truly brought my love for THIS man way higher than it ever was for THAT man that he was . I hope that one day your WH will become a man who is worthy of the LOVE you can give...and will give you the LOVE that you deserve (((HUGS))).