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And things were going so well lately. In fact, I had a trigger a few days ago that I handled really well. Her uncle called me, and it was her uncle's BiL that we hired as a Realtor out of familial loyalty. The BiL referred us to the eventual AP (pocketing a referral fee I am sure for absolutely nothing).

So I don't like being reminded of that whole side of the family, even though what happened was not their fault, and the uncle nor his wife's brother have any idea about any of it.

But I was able to not let this ruin my week. I had a healthy attitude, and was able to remember that this was nearly 20 years ago, that I don't have to react to the triggers, and I can just move along in life.

But moments ago my wife and I had an argument about the D-Day. As a reminder, D-day was less than a week before our wedding. I was in shock, and went through with the wedding anyway. My wife tonight brought up that she feels I still punish her by having a bad attitude from time to time, and that I refused to have a honeymoon back then, and if I feel differently now she would like to know.

I said that sure I would go traveling with her, and I don't remember that I refused to go on a honeymoon, but that would seem like a natural consequence of what happened. "what do you think should have been the consequence?"

She hit the roof. She was right back to how it has been 20 years, and she will never be able to redeem herself in my eyes, and blah blah blah.

It's completely irrational of her to believe that there should have been zero consequences. I own, and owned to her, the fact that I rugswept so poorly in the first ten years that it resulted in a slow burn gaping wound that actually caused MORE consequences for both of us than if we would have dealt with it appropriately right away.

ANd I chose to reconcile and build a life with her, and should not treat her poorly. But that is not the same as saying there should have been no consequences.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Just because it was 20 years ago doesn't mean you cannot get upset when you are reminded about the thing SHE did, that you learned about ONE WEEK before your wedding! And yes, bad choices have consequences. She willingly chose to cheat so now she gets to suffer the consequences. Or she can leave, she has that option.

Now, if you rage and call her a whore every time you are reminded of her affair, after 20 years IMO the rage should have dissipated BUT sadness and anger are normal and to be expected.

She should be happy and thankful every day that you didn't cancel the wedding and tell everyone what she did.

I don't rage at all. I do see my mistake, though. I mistook her feeling overwhelmed with emotion for being mad AT ME.

SO I reacted to her being mad at me, and that became a self-fulfilling prophesy.

At root, she doesn't want to FOREVER be "branded" an adulteress, and doesn't want me to FOREVER be thinking poorly of her. Which I don't, but it would be nice to agree on where on the scale the right place is between "there should have been zero consequences" and "she is horribly tainted forever and ever and ever".

We talked it out, and one interesting thing is that even though she doesn't want to forever be branded, I will probably always see myself as "that guy"....

I going to say this gently because I haven’t decided which way this is—-but something to consider for yourself.

Consequences to one’s actions are natural.

Punishment can be natural, but it feels different.

If you feel like it was consequences because you didn’t have the right heart/mindset to share a vacation with her at that point, that’s a natural consequence.

The way you describe it here could loosely be interpreted by someone running high emotions as "I punished your actions by not going in a honeymoon." Or "you didn’t deserve a honeymoon.

I think either thing is valid, but a natural consequence is something someone understands as "this is how I made you feel" versus hearing we are having a title for tat. And it may boil down to the way you communicate around it.

I also think she is saying 20 years later "travel with Me" she is wondering if you feel she deserves it yet?

Again, I am not arguing you in your position more so I think there is a natural breakdown of communication due to this being a hot topic for both of you. Finding where the discrepancy is could result in a mutually fulfilling decision where you find a good solution that fits both of you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:12 AM, Wednesday, September 9th]

When she spirals into statements like "I'll never be able to redeem myself," she is shifting the focus away from the reality of her past actions and onto her current discomfort with their lasting footprint. You chose to stay and build a life with her, but that does not mean signing a contract to pretend the betrayal never occurred or that it carries no long-term cost.

A short hand response would be something like; your actions have long term fallout. Ultimately if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:07 AM, Wednesday, September 9th]

I see it differently from sooler . I know everyone is shocked.

A good reconciliation restores the balance in a marriage. I am considered as much as he is, and actually I consider myself a lot more than I used to. (But that’s how I had gotten so off track previously)

Is it in the fabric of our marriage? Yes. But not in I will have consequences for the rest of my life that are imposed by him.

However, I think cantbemeeither is saying they really didn’t go through the process. I don’t think it’s his intention to punish her either, even if that’s what she is feeling or thinking.

Reconciliation takes a lot of communication, and two people who can come at it with win-win mentality.

She needs to recognize expecting him to go in a honeymoon feeling as broken as he was at the time would have been a terrible experience. And while it was consequence he is not saying it was a punishment.

I do think she has shame she needs to address.

Shame is not an emotion, it’s the belief you are bad to the core and it makes you feel like other people know that about you. There is healing she needs to do around that so she doesn’t trigger and hear "you were bad and you should have been punished"

Remorse and guilt are healthy. They help shape our actions, build our empathy. But shame create this defensiveness because it touches that deep belief in them.

There is nothing the OP can do to change that. I would encourage not allowing himself to be shut down by that. And I was mostly suggesting that if he went back and had the conversation with the consequences versus punishment they might be able to move forward in working it through more. It sounds like that happened.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:14 PM, Wednesday, September 9th]

The thing about consequences is that they are not necessarily commensurate with the violation.

Have you considered finding a good MC? Someone who can help both of you voice your thoughts and feelings about your M and her infidelity, help you understand each other on this issue, help you not flood?