SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. I'm a BH, together about 15 years, married 12, no kids.

I've been reading here for a while and finally want to tell my story.

About five months ago, my WW woke me late one night and told me she'd ended a year-long affair. I sensed I wasn't getting the whole truth. She swore it was a year, that she ended it, and that they used condoms. All of it was false. The affair lasted closer to three years, it ended because the AP got caught, and they never used protection.

Over the next week, the trickle truths continued. The "full" confession only came after I threatened a polygraph (I never required one). In total, she had seven sexual partners, two physical encounters without sex, and a couple of sexting relationships. It spanned our entire relationship. I had even met a few of these men and thought they were friends or colleagues. She was with someone around the time of our wedding.

The most recent affair was the deepest and is the hardest for me. They talked multiple times a day, often for an hour or more combined, and said "I love you." They took trips together while I thought she was traveling alone for work. He was in our home and they had sex here.

She has gone no contact, and she started IC and MC on her own and has stuck with them. We're both STI-negative. I have my own IC, and two close people in my life know and support me. We're living together and trying to reconcile. I believe I now know everything, but I can't be certain.

The first month was brutal. I barely ate or slept. I've regained some routine, but I think about it constantly, and the intrusive images of her with other men have slowed but still occur daily. I keep wondering how the person I knew best could lie to me for so long. Even if she truly changes, I wonder if I can ever be happy or at peace with her, knowing what she was capable of.

Some days reconciliation feels possible and other days I feel like I'll never get there. For those further down this road: is R realistic after something this extensive? And what should I be prioritizing right now?

Thank you for reading.

I am very sorry you are here but this is a place for healing.
Your WW has so many issues all I can say is how sorry I am that you have to try to make sense of it.
I always say look at their childhood. Genetics and parenting are the two main things that hamper or encourage emotional growth. It sounds like she has some very deep need to put a barrier between herself and other people. It might be she considers every single adult as dangerous to her mental well being so she puts a barrier up. That way she does not have to feel susceptible to feelings of love. I would guess she is very damaged.
Please try to look after your health as you navigate this. See a dr for meds for anxiety if you need something. Do not turn to alcohol or drugs to get you through. Try to eat nutritious meals.

I'm so sorry for what was done to you. Your wife is a lifestyle cheater, she was never in the same relationship as you. It was always you - the safety and rules to be broken and other man - the excitement of cheating. Looking from that perspective, there is hardly something to reconcile. It is more like building a sober life with a lifetime drug addict that committed to it yesterday out of fear of loosing stability. Not impossible, but would you bet your money on it? Would you recommend it to your child? If you want, you can seek out a board for lifestyle cheaters. The cynicism, open ill will, pride of being a great lier and manipulator, protocols of not getting caught (called opsec), protocols how to manage the spouse and continue cheating if caught (called damage control), it's all shocking.

I understand that you are looking for hope, but prepare yourself for the most likely outcome, not the best one. That includes financial and emotional safety. Create a buffer from her, where you know how to live, what to do, how to have good moments without her.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 9:38 AM, Tuesday, October 20th]

Your wife is a serial cheater. That’s a fact.

Unfortunately there is no way to know if she will become a faithful monogamous spouse. Only time will tell whether she will become one.

For you, the hurts are long and deep. You may be able to get past the lies and pain and Reconcile. But here’s the but - because there is always a but.

But do you want to ? Forget that you love her and don’t want a D. Most betrayeds initially don’t want a D. But over time, you start to look at your life very differently. Anger and resentment can creep in — especially at the fact that she’s been cheating your entire marriage (practically).

Only you know your limits. Everyone is different. And you may decide to reconcile but know your view of your wife will change. And it might be years from now that you realize you have changed and this marriage no longer works for you.

I encourage you to be honest with yourself and not settle. My advice is to only consider reconciling if you will be happy.

FYI nothing will change unless you change. You won’t have the same marriage in many ways because you won’t tolerate lying and shady behavior. The first time she has an"work trip" there will be much discussion about it.

I hope your wife is up to the task b/c R is a very long process. Years of work and weathering the storm.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:15 AM, Tuesday, October 20th]

Oh man, 7531, that’s a rough story. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

You should take care of yourself right now, which it sounds like you’re doing, and observing her behavior. Is everything she’s doing consistent with building trust and trying to make amends? Watch her for as long as you feel like.

My concern is the same concern everyone has, including you. She’s never been faithful in 15 years. She’s had everything from full-blown love affairs to casual hookup sounding ones. And she’s apparently good at hiding it from you.

She’s literally NEVER been honest with you. You might want to follow through on that polygraph idea. Maybe she can change, but that sounds to me like a difficult challenge. Even the way she confessed was selfish. Couldn’t she have at least waited until the morning?

Why did she decide to confess, has she said?

What is she telling you about why she did it?

How is she demonstrating to you that she actually wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you?

Has she confessed to anyone but you?

I have no issues with R, and this site is testimony that two people who want to R can do it, provided they put in the effort. But I would be very worried about trying with her. She seems like she’s just a selfish con-artist.

Make sure you get yourself to a place where the minute your spidey-sense tingles you can leave. Get a post-nup in place.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 1:20 PM, Tuesday, October 20th]

Thank you, Letmebefrank. I appreciate the honesty and your questions made me think.

Why she confessed: Her first answer was that she couldn't live with the lies anymore. Later she admitted she was also afraid the AP's wife would find me and tell me first. So I don't think it was purely conscience and I haven't forgotten that.

Why she did it: She's working through it in IC. Her explanation is childhood sexual abuse that left her with an unhealthy relationship with sex, and she says she used it for validation and liked feeling desired. I take that seriously, but I know it's an explanation and not an excuse. What matters is whether she changes.

What she's doing now: Full transparency, with access to all her accounts, location sharing on, and more contact when we're apart. She's stuck with IC and MC and seems to be doing real work. My problem is that I don't want a marriage where I'm always checking. I trusted her blindly and she abused that. She may be doing everything right and it may still be too late for me.

Who knows: Her mom has known since our first year of marriage, when my wife confessed to her. Her mom promised to keep it quiet and told her never to do it again. My WW never mentioned additional cheating to her until the recent discovery. Her mom then told her father a watered-down version without my permission. She didn't give him the full picture, and when he said there was blame on both sides, I nearly lost it. I also found out a coworker friend of hers was cheating too and they confided in each other. I asked her to cut contact and she did.

Polygraph: I'm holding it in reserve. If something doesn't add up, I'll insist on it.

Finances: Everything is joint. I'd never heard of a post-nup before visiting SI, so I'm going to learn more and consider talking to a lawyer about protecting myself.

I guess my biggest question is this: has anyone here reconciled after a history this long and what did "enough" look like to you?

I can’t answer your main question specifically, since I didn’t experience anything like this.

I’ll just chime in with a few other thoughts though.

I really don’t believe that she confessed out of guilt. She got dumped because AP got caught. I think it’s very reasonable to assume that the affair would be going on today if that hadn’t happened. I imagine she’s telling you today that she never really loved him, but was addicted to the attention and validation. It may or may not be true, and it’s common enough to be plausible, but it’s still something to continue to push on, because it gets to her motivations. Does she really want to be with you because she loves you, or does she just not want to be alone? Are you her first choice or her backup plan? Those questions would matter to me. You’ll learn more by observing her than just talking to her about it.

Has she been evaluated for sex addiction?

100% talk to a lawyer. At a minimum, to ask the post-nup question and also to educate yourself on what D might look like. Just get the information so it can factor into your thinking.

Finally, read this article https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/586809/beyond-regret-and-remorse/. This contrition, or remorse, is one of the things that people look for to see if someone is a good candidate for R.

You're right that the affair would likely still be going on if the AP hadn't gotten caught. That's painful to accept, but it’s the most likely scenario.

Your questions about whether I'm her first choice or her backup plan are ones I've been asking myself. She says the right things, so I'm watching her actions over time.

I found the contrition article yesterday and found it helpful. In addition to IC and MC, she's taken full responsibility, stopped minimizing, and can have hard conversations while showing accountability. Not perfect, but getting there.

The IC doesn't think it's sex addiction and neither do I. It looks like a hunger for attention and validation combined with a weak moral compass. Maybe that's a distinction without a difference.

The biggest mindf*ck is that I still love her, but I'm realizing I love a version of her that never existed. Did we care for and support each other? Have genuinely good times and enjoy each other? Share the same long-term goals and vision of the future? I thought so. Did she also lie and cheat from the very beginning? Yes. I look back on my whole adult life and wonder what was real.

I've left a few times saying I was done and I keep coming back. I'd like to say it's because I believe we can reconcile, but I wonder if I'm afraid to be alone and lose the life I'm used to. I feel crazy for wanting to rebuild something she destroyed.

[This message edited by BS7531 at 5:01 PM, Tuesday, October 20th]

I know of several posters here on SI that seem to have reconciled from numerous affair partners. One couple is quite prominent, with the former wayward wife being a major and valued contributor.

But that doesn’t really help you much…

I have seen couples divorce from what most would consider "less" than you are dealing with, and I have seen couples reconcile from what some might consider "worse". It’s all relative, and IMHO the end-result is based on what you – the betrayed spouse want and are offered, and what she – the wayward spouse wants and can offer. Combined with what you both want lines up, and what you can offer each other.

Just keep in mind that you don’t have to reconcile. You have options.

But… if you do agree to remain married… then why not set the goal at creating the best marriage you can.

I don’t see how one can deduce why she confessed based on what you share, other than on what you share. I tend to take self-made confessions as more positive than forced. I don’t think you two could ever have a good marriage if she had ended this affair and never cheated again but never shared what she did with you.

If it was fear of the OMW finding out and contacting, then probably one or more of the other OM could create the same scenario. Why now? MAYBE she was hoping for some path out and started that with a confession. Maybe. Or maybe not. Not relevant IMHO.

I second the talk-to-a-lawyer suggestion. It allows you to better understand what divorce would be, and therefore possibly lessen your fear of it. Knowing you have acceptable options is always good.

I want to suggest that you keep her mom and dad out of this… They don’t really have a say on if you reconcile or not, nor get to create some guilt- and blame game. This is YOUR family-unit, and she left their unit upon marrying you. I’m all for seeking support, but if those you share with are more into minimizing or finger-pointing then cut them out of your emotional lives.

My problem is that I don't want a marriage where I'm always checking. I trusted her blindly and she abused that. She may be doing everything right and it may still be too late for me.

I don’t think anyone that has reconciled is in a marriage where they are always checking. One of the grimmer lessons in life is when we realize blind trust isn’t sustainable, and should be avoided. With time you can replace it with trust-but-verity.

For example: If she tells you that she’s at the gym every Thursday from about 5 to 7 you might be worried that she’s actually with OM. You use reasonable means to confirm she’s there: Drive by and see if her car is there, use phone-locator to see if she’s there, does she place sweaty gym clothes into the laundry… Do this a couple of times and you get a sense of verification that she actually is doing what she says she’s doing.

With time your need for verification diminishes.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:02 PM, Tuesday, October 20th]

There is a lot of anxiety and doubt in your posts. It's natural and almost everyone that got cheated on does feel that way. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to build a version of yourself that is fine with either outcome. From a place of fear you won't be able to realistically assess if there is a future with her that you want to pursue and you won't be able to truly reconcile into a happy relationship if that is even in the cards. I think the most important and helpful work that a betrayed person can do (and often the most difficult), is the work on their own resilience and confidence. You are currently not in a hurry, you don't have to make decisions now, you don't have to know, understand or accept the answers to all questions. You are in a place where you can think deeply how to be in a place where you can bounce back given any outcome.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 7:31 PM, Tuesday, October 20th]

[duplicate]

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 7:13 PM, Tuesday, October 20th]

It’s not just this recent affair you need to recover from, she’s a serial cheater. She has cheated your entire marriage so really you’ve been in a one sided open marriage the entire time. The problem is you said you’ve left a few and always come back so why would she change when she knows you’ll come back and forgive. She doesn’t really think you will leave so she’ll keep cheating once this blows over. Take control back from her, let her know that divorce is a real possibility and then take some time away from her to think and get clarity. If you don’t do that and really address her cheating you’ll be in a never ending infidelity cycle. There is no chance of real change in her until she realizes you are leaving for real this time. If that doesn’t bother her then there is nothing to salvage here and you should file for divorce. By the way she didn’t cheat because of issues during her childhood, she cheated because she wanted to, is extremely selfish and because she could. Everything else she says is just a lie to justify what she has done your marriage and try to make it look like it isn’t her fault!

It doesn’t change much, but I do want to clarify one thing. I haven’t left and come back to her throughout the years with knowledge of her cheating. I had no idea until five months ago. Since then, I’ve left and returned.

I’m genuinely grateful for the responses here. They’ve all been helpful and I recognize the truth in a lot of what’s been said.

The reality is that I’m still trying to figure out whether reconciliation is possible. She’s doing the things she needs to be doing. She’s taking responsibility, showing remorse, being transparent, and making a genuine effort to rebuild what she broke. I see that, and I don’t take it for granted. But her doing those things doesn’t mean I know whether I’ll ultimately be able to get past what happened.

I still love her and the life we’ve built together. When I leave, I miss her, and I find myself wondering whether we could actually get through this. I come back because part of me wants to believe we can. But the truth is, I also feel like I’m unable to let go.

I know I need to get to a place where I’m strong enough to leave if that’s what I ultimately need to do. I don’t want to stay simply because I can’t bear the thought of losing her, and I don’t want my inability to let go to be what determines the outcome of my marriage.

I just don’t know yet whether I can reconcile with what she’s done, even with the effort she’s making now. I’m trying to give myself the time to figure that out and I appreciate the perspective and advice everyone has offered.

I have a kinda similar story, but she had a clean track record for a while before I found out, still makes me sick to my stomach today. Maybe run I dont know. Good luck Brother.

Question for this group.

I know the names of these guys. As my story says, the recent AP’s wife knows because she caught text from my WW and he admitted to the affair.

The other men are married and I can only assume the wives have no idea.

What’s appropriate? Do I focus on my own situation and leave these pieces of shit alone? Or do I reach out to the wives?

[Edit to add context that these happened 5-10+ years ago]

I’m torn. My WW obviously doesn’t want me to reach out and is preaching "let’s focus on us".

After going through this nightmare, I strongly believe everyone deserves to know the truth about their marriage. I know it would’ve sucked at the time, but I wish someone reached out to me years ago.

Looking for specific advice from people who confronted this and would like to hear what path they chose.

[This message edited by BS7531 at 4:17 AM, Wednesday, October 21st]

I am extremely pro-exposure but not for the same reason most seem to be.
Yes – there is a moral angle, and yes – the other persons spouse deserves to know.
But to me exposure needs to serve YOU a purpose first and foremost.

Like now – THIS affair – IF his wife didn’t know of it, then exposing to her would be a key element in it ending. Our collective experience here strongly supports that 9 out of 10 OM end their affair and focus on trying to save their marriage once their spouse knows. Being rejected by the "White Knight of my fantasies" is a real eye-opener and turn-off for the WW.

However… This far into the past… I wouldn’t bother. I don’t see the benefit for YOUR marriage per se.

--
One idea:
Reconciliation IMHO needs to be based on a foundation of truth.
Learning NOW that the two "non-sexual" but physical encounters (what the f… is that? Did they hold hands?) were actually 4 more full-on, multi-partner and orgy-style sex-fests will do less damage than THINKING you have the truth right now, and then a year from now learning of one more affair partner whom she made out with… You will see it all the time on this site: Trickle Truth is the real killer of reconciliation.
Right now you are at best cleaning a wound, and once it’s clean a healing scab can start forming. Learning more truths is simply peeling that scab away and starting over from the beginning time after time.

SO…
Offer her an amnesty-period.
Make it clear to her that most of all you would want to reconcile, but that reconciliation needs to be from a stance of total 100% honesty. Even if that honesty hurts or embarrasses or is shameful. Your fear that you don’t have the truth gnaws at you and can very possibly lead to you not believing this marriage can be saved.
Tell her that you want to have a firm believe that you know the truth in the next 5 days. You are allowing her to share with you ALL the relevant details, up to the level of detail YOU need.
Make this commitment to her: Whatever she shares, whatever she tells you, you will commit to NOT divorcing or separating for 90 days. Let her know this is a better deal than she has right now, where you are still doubtful about the future of the marriage and could swing towards D any day.
Then tell her that once she states she has told you everything relative to the infidelities and answered all your questions – you will book a polygraph session. That could be ten days from now, or it could be at the end of the 90 day period. It’s totally optional for YOU.
Tell her the polygraph is a positive tool. The questions will be based on what she shared, and passing a poly will confirm to you that she’s honest in her answers. At the same time, failing a poly will let you know she doesn’t trust you with the truth, and confirm your darkest fears that this marriage does not have a future.

Only thing I warn against: IF you are going to use a poly (and I think they are valid and accurate tools) then believe the result. If she passes, chances are she’s being honest, and if she fails she’s dishonest. Respond accordingly.

OK, wow. There is a lot to unpack here.

In total, she had seven sexual partners, two physical encounters without sex, and a couple of sexting relationships

Serial cheaters rarely change. Is it possible? Sure. It happens. People here will quote the unicorn stories, but the research is clear: individuals with a track record like hers do not simply snap out of it. If you choose reconciliation, understand that the probability of a relapse is exceptionally high—and that means more pain for you down the line. Personally, I couldn't ever trust someone so prolific. To have any peace of mind, you’d practically have to keep her under lock and key. Do you really want that future?

Surprisingly, though, all of that is secondary.

Forget for a moment what she is doing right now. Forget about what your relationship would look like in the future (should you stay together). What she has committed here are several acts of betrayal as extreme as they come. Three years isn't an affair; it’s an entire parallel life. Every time she was absent and you were sitting there feeling lonely, she was off having wild sex with another man. Seven different partners. Years of your life wasted. She was cheating on you around the time of your wedding, for God's sake. The mother knew during your first year of marriage and covered for her! Her entire family dynamic has enabled her deceit for over a decade while letting you play the fool.

Ask yourself this: if you forgive someone for that level of deceit, could you honestly look at yourself in the mirror ten years from now and feel at peace with the man looking back?

Try a thought experiment. Imagine a world where tomorrow morning she wakes up completely cured of her emotional flaws. From this moment until the day she dies, she becomes the textbook, gold-standard reformed partner: zero defensiveness, complete radical honesty, pure empathy, and no relapses whatsoever.

Is that actually enough?

Only you can decide what is right for you, but I know what I would do. I try to be objective and recognise when reconciliation makes sense—I can see it occasionally. But with no children involved, and given the sheer depth of her betrayal, I simply cannot see a scenario where staying with her offers you a better life than walking away and finding someone loyal.

The biggest mindf*ck is that I still love her, but I'm realizing I love a version of her that never existed

Give it time. You feel like you still love her because you haven't yet reconciled who she actually is with the person you thought she was. You loved a mask, and it will take time to piece together her true identity. You are spot on, though: that version of her never existed. You loved a phantom—a projection of who she chose to show you. It wasn't real. The reality is that she was off sleeping with countless men for the thrill of it.

You asked if you're staying out of fear of being alone. Let me answer that for you: yes, you are. You are terrified of losing the comfort of a 15-year habit, even if that habit is built entirely on ash. Therapy may help you make sense of this, but I struggle to conceive how you could still love her once you see her clearly. Who genuinely loves a backstabber? I'm not religious, but Dante reserved the very centre of hell for traitors for good reason.

Regarding your question:

What’s appropriate? Do I focus on my own situation and leave these pieces of shit alone? Or do I reach out to the wives?

Ultimately, that is your call. What is morally right and what is practical for you do not always align. Telling the betrayed wives is, without doubt, the morally right thing to do. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell them. That said, doing so will inevitably bring more drama and chaos to your doorstep. If you aren't driven by that moral obligation and can live with staying silent, the choice is yours. But I will always encourage someone to find the courage to do what is right.

I’m torn. My WW obviously doesn’t want me to reach out and is preaching "let’s focus on us".

Her stance has nothing to do with "focusing on us" and everything to do with damage control. She isn't trying to protect your healing; she is trying to avoid consequences.

My hackles went up when I read:

She’s taking responsibility, showing remorse, being transparent, and making a genuine effort to rebuild what she broke.

I wouldn't be so sure. Remember how this started: she confessed only because the last AP's wife caught them and she panicked that you'd find out from her first. She didn't come clean out of remorse; she launched a preemptive strike to control the narrative. She trickle-fed you lies until you threatened a polygraph.

To me, her current behaviour reads as if she simply wants to minimise her actions so that you grieve for a bit and ultimately roll over, show your belly, and accept things as normal again. Perhaps even with half a mind to start sleeping around again once you take your eye off the ball.

Maybe I'm wrong, but taking true responsibility and showing genuine remorse would look like her handing you the phone, helping you gather the evidence, and contacting those wives alongside you. Dollars to doughnuts, she won't do that. It is far easier to perform a temporary act of remorse in the safety of a therapist's office than to face real-world accountability.

Serial cheaters almost always operate like this. She hasn't magically developed a conscience overnight—she is just managing the fallout before one of those wives reaches out to you. It is pure self-preservation. If Jiminy Cricket were the conscience sitting on her shoulder, he would have self-immolated three years ago when this all began.

People often recommend not telling your spouse you are using SI as a resource such it stays a safe haven to you, where you can write out your thoughts without fear of your partner prying. That is a fair point. Perhaps you should do that. But if I were you, I would be tempted to copy and paste this thread, merely vaguely explaining that you got some advice online regarding your case and have her read it and respond. I think that will tell you a lot. Sometimes people crumble when they see their bullshit so plainly called out.

I often tell people in your shoes that you can stay with your partner as long as she’s willing to put the work in, but that if I were you, I’d aim higher. In your case, given the sheer extremity of what she’s done, I need to amend that: frankly, I don't think you could aim any lower than staying with someone as prolific as her. You're already at absolute rock bottom—the only way from here is up.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 11:58 AM, Wednesday, October 21st]

Personally, I think you should contact the wives.

The basis of this opinion is the experience my mother had. My dad was, apparently, a serial cheater. In fact, writing it now, I wonder if he was like your WW, never faithful. I don’t know, I don’t have enough information about what he did, but what I do know is that he cheated throughout their marriage. He was caught in their 40th year, told my mom he never loved her, and left her for his then-AP.

Mom was 62 when this happened, almost 20 years ago now. As far as I’m aware, she never went on a single date since. I believe she just was like "nope, not doing this again". She never had a chance at a real marriage. She never got to experience authentic love, apparently. She spent the entirety of her adult life devoted to a man who was exposing her to venereal disease, among all the other horrors of betrayal.

I knowthat she would have like to have been told at any point along the way, no matter how long ago the cheating happened. It would have really mattered. It might have even saved my family.