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My story may be somewhat different than your typical IJFO about the affair. My WW dropped a divorce bomb on me in December. I was shocked. Sure we had issues but I was clueless and devastated - nothing I thought was divorce worthy. Over the next few days I came to realize that she completely emotionally detached. She said that she wasn't happy anymore and that she's been thinking about this for a while. I did the typical begging and pleading for her not to do this and that we can change all the things that bother her. We have a very comfortable life thanks to my job so leaving that is no small thing. She would not want to hear it and was insistent that she wanted an amicable divorce.

I knew something didn't seem right so I started digging. Phone records gave the first clue. Quickly I found the AP name, address, saw she was buying and shipping him gifts, bought concert tickets, etc. I confronted her and recorded our conversation and she admitted but she was adamant that the affair was not why she was ending the marriage (typical of exit affairs). She was not very remorseful and over the next month told me she's sorry only twice. I've seen a lawyer, hired a PI and have a solid case of adultery which in my state makes a difference (at fault state - she gets no alimony which given vast differences in our income is considerable). I've also filed divorce papers because we had to get subpoenas for the hotels she used with her AP and other things to prove adultery if we need to.

She has seen her AP several times since and is in contact with him regularly. She has moved out but I was still trying to convince her to give us a try. We have teenage kids and a nice home. However, she wants space to figure things out and I am not allowed to require her to go NC with the AP according to her. She needs to do whatever she needs to do to decide whether to try again.

Seems to me this may be a lost cause and that I should just let the D play out. But emotionally I am very conflicted. Asking to go NC with AP is the least she can do I though if she cared at all.

Exit,

Sadly *most* (not all!) women once they emotionally check out of a relationship, there’s no coming back.

Sorry that you had to find us, and welcome to SI. There are some really good posts in the Healing Library, as well as the pinned posts at the top of the forum.

Sadly, R (reconciliation) is tough when both of you are working on the M (marriage). It sounds like she doesn't want to work to fix things.

You may want to implement the 180 or the soft 180, which is detailed in the Healing Library.

Be kind to yourself, as this is an emotional roller coaster. It helps if you post in one thread for awhile because it's easier to follow and provide insight.

Please be sure to hydrate, eat, exercise, avoid intoxicants, and try to get your sleep. If you're having trouble with sleep or depression, you may want to check with your doctor for meds.

I am sorry Friend that you had to find yourself here.

Actually, RE the first sentence in your post, your story is about as close to textbook as they come. Your WW telling you she is leaving because she "wasn't happy anymore" and that she had been thinking of this awhile, and your WW also insisting that her AP has nothing to do with her wanting to leave. This is the same script that so many WWs use. See @exitaffair, no one wants to be the villain in their own story. So many waywards will try to justify their stepping out, in the ways your WW is trying to justify her stepping out.

What is also all-too-typical is the BH doing the Pick-Me Dance. But, you'd be better off cutting that all out--even if, especially if--you still have ANY want to save your marriage. Your WW can't cut out AP from her life (and is trying to justify it as her needing space to figure things out, and doing what she needs to do to make a decision (also typical Wayward justifying btw))? Fine, then make the decision for her--she can stay in contact with AP, but *you* are going to file for divorce. And you will do all you can to protect yourself, your kids, AND your finances from her.

Don't let her enjoy her boyfriend while still married to you, while you wait for your WW as her Plan B in case boyfriend does not work out. It will ruin your self-respect, and (just in case you are so heartbroken that you don't even care about that now) it will NOT even save your marriage. Your kids are also watching you and needing you to be their rock while their Mom acts like the fool running around. Meanwhile you do NOT want her coming home to you out of financial comfort for her either.

Meanwhile, please stick around. We have your back and we will help you through this.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:42 AM, Saturday, January 28th]

Maybe the best thing you can do for yourself and – if there is any wish to have a shot at reconciliation – for your marriage would be to help her pack and wish her well:

"Honey – I always envisioned us growing old together, but realize that losing you isn’t the worst possible outcome. Worse would be sharing you, and that’s what you offer while you are with OM. I don’t share my wife, so I’m absolving you of all duties and expectations as my wife, and at the same time no longer see me emotionally as your husband.
I hope you find happiness with OM because I care about you and want nothing more than you to be happy.
I have started the process of the legal termination of our marriage. It’s a process controlled by laws in our state and is fair to both in accordance to circumstances. Emotionally I’m still raw so I wont be discussing our marriage with you any more."

I can tell you this: Shes not expecting the above. You aren’t fighting for her, aren’t playing the pick-me game. You removed the drama, the tension…

My friend, I was you. About 6-9 months of increasing distance. Oddly random-seeming episodes where my WW would try to pick fights with me over minutiae. Increasingly erratic and unpredictable periods away. Then one weekday morning I awoke to find she had not returned home at all. I was getting myself, and her son (she had a son from a prior relationship whom I never formally adopted but raised as my own) ready for work/school -- making breakfast, packing lunches, etc. -- when she drove in and dropped the bomb on me. At least she was honest enough to tell me she had been seeing another man and was leaving me.

I was like you. My paradigm had been, for years, as the patriarch of an intact nuclear family. She shattered that, but I was desperate for nothing more than to patch it back together. Because it was my comfortable place. But she was stalwart.

In hindsight, she did me a kindness. Moving on was the best thing for me. I can tell you that the first time you have sex with somebody new, it will be amazing. Like a comet exploding in your brain. I can also tell you that for a man in his 40's or 50's who is solvent and whose junk still functions, the dating life is a buyer's market.

The quicker you move on, the better.

By the way, you can get back together with her in the future -- as FWB. If, via that, she proves herself worthy, maybe notch it up.

Sounds like you’re doing most things right:

-You retained an attorney
-You are following their counsel
-Collecting and preserving evidence
-Taking advantage of all an At Fault state has to offer.
-Doing your due diligence, researching, getting educated
-Coming to SI, reading ahead on SI

Great.

Things to work on:

-Protect your dignity.

-Don’t subscribe to her "reasons" and any rewriting of your marital history. Her "reasons", her grievances, went right out the window with the marital vows. She de-legitimized her reasons when she exposed her broken character, and her regard for you, by resorting to cheating.

If you’re married to someone capable of cheating, it is probable that same character flaw has contributed-considerably, to any preexisting marital disfunction she’s using as her "reasons" for cheating.

-Stop trying to "convince her" to reconcile.

There’s many reasons why you shouldn’t do this. Here’s a couple reasons why:
First reason is, it’s undignified and unattractive. It actually repels WSs. You look pathetic in their eyes. Second reason, is that the WS is supposed to be convincing YOU. If she was a candidate for R, she should be campaigning for R. If R is in your future, she will initiate it and sustain it. She should do the heavy lifting of R. You don’t want her coming back to you because she feels sorry for you. You want her coming back because she regrets her actions, is remorseful, loves you, and wants no other.

-She is a free woman. Don’t try to manipulate or control her. If she wants to return to the marital contract then you can demand expectations, conditions and boundaries. If she wants to see her AP, then she’s free to do that, while not married to you. Do the 180.

Asking to go NC with AP is the least she can do I though if she cared at all.

She currently doesn’t care. Maybe down on some suppressed level she cares, but her actions thus far are completely uncaring.

Actions are everything. Don’t project your wishes, your agenda, or the sentimental perception of the woman you thought you married upon THIS woman. Let her actions project and impress upon you who she truly is. See her now as she is, not as she was, or how you thought she was.

she wants space to figure things out and I am not allowed to require her to go NC with the AP according to her

She doesn’t need space to figure things out. She needs space to cake eat, to be with her new boyfriend. You don’t "figure things out" while cheating. Give her all the rope she needs to hang herself and carry on with the D proceedings until she convincingly returns to the marriage.

emotionally I am very conflicted.

Of course you are. Ten minutes ago you were just married to this woman. She was your forever. The mother of your children. Like phantom limb syndrome, you will continue to have residual feelings for her, the memory of her, and many times more amplified as she’s walking out the door. Don’t put her on a pedestal that she has clearly demonstrated she doesn’t deserve.

You can’t unilaterally save your marriage. She doesn’t want to be married to you anymore and she’s in a relationship with someone else.

File for divorce on the grounds of adultery, follow your attorney’s advice, and minimize your contact with her to essential communications about the kids only.

Thanks everyone. Good advice. For the record, the divorce papers have already been filed and initial court date is set in about 2 weeks time. She will get screwed financially because she won't get alimony and I will fight to the death to get 50-50 physical custody which will in turn limit the child support she gets. She may not even get 50% off the assets given that in my state divorce fault affects that as well. She already had to get a full time job and is feeling the financial pressures and it's barely been two weeks. It's time for me to ratchet up the pressure by disconnecting and letting her do whatever she wants while I take care of myself and my kids when they are with me.

I regret every single day that I did not consider what I am about to type. I had WS 💯 for adultry which is a big deal in our state. I allowed him to manipulate me. I did not realize at the time that I could and in my case should have divorced him and then (if he proved to be a safe partner who did the hard work on himself) we could negotiate what came next.
Instead I was a pick me dancing idiot who believed a liar when he said he would divorce me fairly if I filed in a no fault state. 5 years of my life wasted and the liar has done unspeakable things to me in court and in life. He manipulated me into being sexually intimate by lying that he did not have sex with her. That was calculated to get me to legally "condone" adultry and then he went for the jugular financially. Everyone's experience is difficult but I have been around this forum enough to have developed a healthy respect for exercising extreme caution around waywards. I personally do not choose active waywards as my friends for the same reason either. I find them unsafe for me at any speed. I would have been better off with an immediete divorce And if I wanted to get back in previously shark infested waters then a rock solid postnup.

She has seen her AP several times since and is in contact with him regularly. She has moved out but I was still trying to convince her to give us a try. We have teenage kids and a nice home. However, she wants space to figure things out and I am not allowed to require her to go NC with the AP according to her. She needs to do whatever she needs to do to decide whether to try again.

It feels really counterintuitive to stand up for yourself when your marriage is unraveling, I know. It upends your entire life, and the impulse to try and save the status quo is so strong. Here's the thing though, your WW features herself to be in the catbird seat right now, dramatically deciding between two lovers, but that's an illusion. What she's actually doing is "eating cake" as we say, "having her cake and eating it too".

There's an addictive quality to illicit affairs which works on the brain kind of like cocaine. It's not the drug that makes you high, it's the way it causes your body to release all these "feel good" chemicals. Contact with the AP at this stage of infatuation provides a biochemical cocktail of dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin, etc. It's not that she's "thinking". Cheaters don't think. Well, not effectively anyway. She's getting high. And just like other junkies, she's not going to give that up until continuing with it becomes less pleasant than giving it up. Most likely, what she wants is for you to enable her.

You're doing a great job so far getting legal advice and establishing a good case. What might help you though is to shore up your boundaries. If it's not alright with you that your wife has a boyfriend, you set that as a boundary, the bare minimum ante of what it takes to keep you interested in leaving the door open to R. You don't know how you'll feel six months from now, so maybe you can't guarantee the future for her, but what you can guarantee is that you're her husband and not "an option".

The catbird seat is an illusion. She doesn't get to just choose you. You get a choice too.

ETA: Bear in mind that there's no magic wand you can wave over your marriage and be assured of saving it. All you can do is the best you can. Ultimatums are always a 50/50 so it's best to say what you mean and mean what you say, but IME, the ones who are going to leave were always going to leave, and the ones who want to stay, will do the work to EARN their way back.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:10 AM, Saturday, January 28th]

CT nailed it ^^^^^

It’s not until you are absolutely done that they take notice. No threat, no magic words. F-ing done!!!

You cannot nice her back, you have to set her free to see for herself. I wish you the best she wants to sit on the fence, and decided. Remove yourself as an option.

Look at what Shehawk posted. When your wife feels the financial hit, she may suddenly change her tune. Go forward with the divorce no matter what so that you are financially safe. Then and only then if she wants a chance to win you back, sure, if you ever decided to marry her again, you could do that, with a good solid prenup.

It's time for me to ratchet up the pressure

No it's not. You're doing this to get a result, continue on your path of letting go. Let her go.

If she's checked out, things with OM may not last but she definitely won't be crawling back.

Her life is her life now, move on and show her what she lost.

I'm sorry that your WW has done this to you.

I'm happy that my wife and I were able to R. But I deeply regret how much of my self-respect I sacrificed at the time doing the "pick me" dance, promising that I would change to satisfy her "unmet needs" and buying into the idea that my contribution to the "condition of the marriage" helped lead to her cheating. It was all about her and her emotional problems and the only affect I could have had on any of it would have been to demand that she deal with her shit instead of always being the one who tried to fix things.

I recognize now that beyond the fact that I loved the woman I thought I knew, codependency and fear of being abandoned had a lot to do with it.

But even though I put up with my WW telling me that she didn't know what she wanted and her sitting on the fence for two months, she never told me that she didn't want me or that she wanted to end our marriage. I just don't know how you can reconcile that.

I understand that an A has a powerful attraction that appeals to all the things that are wrong with a WS on a practically unconscious level, but when it comes to actual life changing decisions they still have to rationalize them on some conscious basis. If they can consciously rationalize asking for a divorce I don't know how you can just treat that like a momentary lapse of reason.

Beyond that, now that she has crossed this bridge, if she should decide to reconcile you can never truly know whether it is because she loves you and is remorseful for what she has done, or just that she has realized that she can't accept the consequences of divorce.

Brother it is just a shitty position to be in.
Yep she wanted an amicable D so to obtain financially in the D to set herself and AP up off your hard earnings.
So now she has been found out she will try to manipulate the fallout so to put the blame on you.

Now detach, now inform others of her true capabilities, now inform AP’s significant other if there is one

Better yourself, workout, drop a few KGs and be the god that got away
The best revenge is to better yourself in every way.
Be the grey rock 🪨 make sue if you haven’t get tested for STDs and STIs. Seek out IC for yourself.
The children regardless of age are the most vulnerable and are hurt the most. Be there for them. Do as your lawyer says.
One day at a time.

I hope you will take this as a kindness. Let go of her and move on. Every single woman I know who left a marriage for another man never went back. Almost all of them married the AP. Are those marriages any happier? No, they are not but they have stayed with the second husbands. I think you really need to understand very deep in your soul that she is gone. I have asked and these women just said they were done and it had nothing to do with how nice and kind their husbands were.
Find support at home and come here as well. There are so many men on this forum who have been through this and have the wisdom you need.
Please take care of your health. This kind of stress can do a number on your body. Read THE BODY KEEPS THE STORE.

You’re handling this very well and have been given excellent advice here.

My advice would be not to falter on your current path. There is a chance that once your WW fully comprehends the financial implications of D, she may propose R.

Just be aware of that possibility, and it’s many implications and ramifications. If that’s what ends up occurring, I recommend being totally non committal with an I’ll think about it. Then, seek advice from all of your available sources before embarking on any one path.

Really sorry it has come to this for you.

Someone else mentioned doing the 180.

If you are the one who begins the conversation, only discuss things with her things pertaining to the children, or things having to do with the divorce or finances. Otherwise, if she begins the conversation, only give her short answers that are straight to the point. Don't embellish and get long winded. Speak to her as if she is someone you are only faintly acquainted with and hardly know. Don't be mean, however, don't be overly friendly.

You said you had already done the "pick me" dance. Hopefully that is over. Don't follow her around the house, etc. Keep your distance.

No matter what you are feeling only show her the cordial side of yourself. Be friendly the way you would around a stranger. Stuff your emotions. Be stoic in appearance.

Don't tell her how bad you feel or how much she hurt you. She just doesn't care!!! The reason she created this mess is because she feels Entitled. She is selfish and felt she deserved to have her fun. She felt that she was entitled to create this devastation regardless of who got hurt. She didn't care about what you felt then, and she sure as hell doesn't care how you feel now.

Doing all of this is for your benefit... not hers. This will help you learn to emotionally separate yourself from her since emotionally she has already left and, for her at least, there is no coming back.

Hang around. You might be able to help others who find themselves in the shoes you are now wearing.

Again, really sorry. We have all been there and it sucks to high heaven.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 1:27 PM, Saturday, January 28th]

talking about emotionally conflicting try to get over it because it is self defeating and WW may get some sort of satisfaction seeing you in this state. keep your head up do your things even better being productive in the face of adversity is sexy even WS will notice it

[This message edited by goalong at 1:38 PM, Saturday, January 28th]