SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New to this forum and this situation and very thankful for this resource.

I found out a couple days ago that my husband cheated on me recently for about two months. The first couple days were brutal, but now I'm feeling weirdly okay. There was some truffle truth initially and now I'm pretty confident I have the full story if not all the nitty gritty details. My WS has been very forthcoming, open, remorseful and willing. We've talked a lot over the last few days and both can recognize that our marriage wasn't in a great place to begin with and a lot of factors that played into that, but he's taking ownership of the decisions he made.

I have been reading up on hysterical bonding and I think that might be partly what is going on. I could be focusing on the pain and hurt but I'm focusing on what we can do to make things better. I know my feelings can change on a dime and don't expect this acceptance to last forever.

Has anyone experienced this? I haven't read many accounts of people who didn't feel devastated at five days post DD.

I do have a tendency to compartmentalize so I'm worried I'm not really facing my feelings. I've been doing some journaling and will be looking into counseling to make sure I'm processing my emotions.

I'm not really sure what I expect by posting this. I'm feeling weird about my own reaction and processing.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've had to find yourself here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that are helpful for newbies to read. Also, the Healing Library has a ton of information, including the list of acronyms we use.

It could be that you're experiencing HB, or you could be numb through shock. The emotional rollercoaster runs the gamut of emotions. You can be fine one minute and not fine the next. It's all normal.

First, the state of your M (marriage) didn't have much to do with the A (affair). There have been people in pretty crappy Ms that didn't cheat. Your WH (wayward husband) made thousands of conscious decisions to betray you. It's rare that the BS (betrayed spouse - you in this instance) get the truth so quickly or easily. More often, the BS is back saying there was more to the story. Not saying it doesn't happen, but cheaters lie and then lie some more.

If you can find a betrayal trauma specialist, you may find them helpful. Bonus points if they also do infidelity betrayal trauma. Mostly, you'll want to have somebody that you are able to work with. Sometimes it can take a therapist or several to find the right fit for you.

There's a book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Be sure to get the one by MacDonald, as another SIer has said there's another book with the same title and it is not the same. This book is a little over 100 pages and provides a good blueprint for the wayward.

Be sure you both get tested for STDs because they probably didn't use protection and even using protection doesn't protect from everything.

Others should be along shortly. Again, welcome and sorry that you're here.

You are still in denial. No two people react the same to trauma. You said you compartmentalize so it might take you a while. Also, if you know you are not going to leave the relationship you might have already settled on R.

The best thing to do is get tested. You never know.
Give yourself time to sort things out emotionally.

Yes, definitely settled on reconcilation but know there are no guarantees. We are both committed to working on things. I know there will be more difficult feelings and conversations in the future. I struggle with knowing how much to think about the affair. I can let myself go down the rabbit hole of mind movies and wondering about ever little detail and nuance. I can also turn that off. Do I need to feel that to process? Does it serve a purpose other than pain? I don't know. He has answered all of my questions and continues to answer anything that pops up no matter how uncomfortable. We have kids so we are trying to keep our day to day routine and interactions fairly normal so we don't distress them so maybe that is part of what is going on.I don't want to let him off easy or make this seem like not a big deal. I know he feels like he should be punished more and doesn't want to pretend like it never happened. My thoughts are all over the place, it's very confusing.

[This message edited by Tealchicken at 7:09 PM, Monday, November 6th]

I had a similar experience to yours. I was upset and then went through a period of time that I felt minimal hurt and felt like everything would be fine. I was definitely in a shock/denial phase for really close to three months. Once that stopped things got very difficult for me and I’m still struggling at 20 months after d day. Everyone processes differently so I wouldn’t feel like you need to feel any particular way. It sounds like your WH is remorseful and you are processing your feelings in a healthy way.

Like the previous poster, I too felt strangely good for the first 3 or 4 months. We did a lot of hysterical bonding and I remember thinking that reconciliation would be quick and easy.

And then the anger set in....

Anyway, I'm 10 months out from DDay now and I look back to those early days of shock/denial almost wistfully! I don't regret any of my thoughts or actions around that time - it was just a natural reaction to a traumatic event.

It's a roller coaster. Just be prepared for that, stay curious about your feelings and try not to rugsweep in the hope of fast-tracking the process.

I'm sorry you're here, but you'll find great support from some very wise people. I'm so glad I found this site.

Glad to hear others have had this particular reaction. I will try to be prepared for the next wave of anger and hurt that is likely to come. I don't intend to sweep anything under the rug and he is well aware that continued reconcilation depends on a number of factors. I have no illusions that we are out of the woods. In general I feel a lot of stress and anxiety around coping with every day factors of life and kids.

And then the anger set in....

Yes about the 3-6 month mark. The anger phase for me was the clarity phase. The shock denial phase is where I was so numb I couldn't fully feel it. I wanted everything back the way it was. When you start to see it for how destructive and abusive it is, the anger will come. If your H is willing to work through this with you, he'd better buckle up, it's a wild ride.

He needs to go no contact (NC), he cannot ever speak to the AP again.

He needs to write a timeline: Who, what, when, where, and how.

If his AP is married you need to notify the BS, without telling your H.

You need to take care of your health.

Stay hydrated and exercise when you can, take a walk.

I wish you the best

Teal,

Sorry you find yourself here. Did WH come clean to you about the A or did you discover it? I discover betrayals 14.5 years ago, hysterically bonded and I went to IC. WH spoke to someone once and got STD tested and was sorry for his actions. I wanted to protect my kids, and I eventually moved on and we "R". I compartmentalize with the best of them.

The thing is we never dealt with the reasons of why WH made those choices. Guess what… he did it again. Only this time he was sneakier. Professed to love us both blah blah blah.

He is now in IC. He has been for the last 9 months. And he will be going for a long time. His first IC was not the best fit and tried to help him work on the marriage. I made it clear work on the marriage will not begin until he works on himself.

I’m not going to sugar coat it, my story is not the exception it’s the norm. Real work needs to be done. Concrete consequences need to be laid out that will be followed through or you will eventually harbor resentment. I have learned this the hard way.

The advice on here is real and true and helpful. This will take a long time to deal with.

Hang in there.

S2D

Reconciliation is a process. To reconcile properly, takes years. It's not just something you say you're in. It's work.

What work is he doing to become a safe partner?

It sounds like you're in shock.

Is she married? Call her husband and tell him. He deserves to know.

It doesn't matter what state the marriage was in. He chose to cheat because he has something wrong with him. He needs IC to figure out why he did this,and work on himself.

Please stop having sex with him. He needs to be tested for stds. You too.

You may have that rare unicorn of a WS that isn't lying and is already remorseful. But typically, they all lie at first, and real remorse takes time.

Yes..you need to allow yourself to feel the pain. You feel it, process it,and heal.

It takes 3 to 5 years to heal from infidelity.

Is he completely no contact with her?

Thanks all for the reality check.

He has been tested and has agreed to no contact, he's given his phone to me and only has it when monitored. He has agreed to and I've made it clear that IC is a requirement for moving forward.

I recognize that I'm feeling numb and probably not processing my feelings. I've booked a counseling session for myself on Friday and we will also be doing MC at some point but want to focus on individual first.

Good move, Teal!

IC can be invaluable.

All the best!

Also feel like I should add that I may have misused the term "hysterical bonding" as I now see that it mostly refers to sex? I meant it more broadly in terms of wanting to be close, physically and emotionally. Cuddling and being together, talking. We've been communicating more in the past few days than we have in a long time.

Feeling the anger today though. And reading about how long people still feel the impact, years later, feeling pretty discouraged. But looking forward to talking about it with someone.

You might want to show your ws this site. Don't do it. This is your safe place.

Right now,you don't even know if you have the entire truth yet. Bringing your freshly caught WS here can be disastrous.

You will feel anger. And terrible pain. Infidelity infects every part of your life. It takes a lot of time,and work,but it does get better.

When you are hurting..tell him. When you are furious..tell him. If he wants eventual reconciliation, he needs to hear every bit of it. He's put you on an emotional roller-coaster. If he wants reconciliation, he needs to buckle up and ride it with you.

If ow is a coworker, he needs to start looking for another job. As long as they work together, it will be extremely difficult to heal.