SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. First, I'd like to say that I am new here and English is not my first language, so I am sorry if I post this in the wrong place or if something doesn't make much sense. Second, I really am not ready to share all the details of my story, as it's been 3 weeks from D-Day and I still get angry and start shaking when thinking about it. So, to go straight into the subject, 3 weeks ago I found out my STBXWW of 24 years was cheating on me with a guy who started working on the same company she did. As far as I am concerned, the affair had been going on for months, but I have no concrete information nor would I want it. I've been working really hard recently(things are tough financially), so the two had a lot of time to spend together. I am not sure of all the details, but I was able to read some of their messages and, because of that, I know a few things: 1)They did some really "sexually intensive" things, which I really don't want to write, but it was bad(porn level bad). Me and my wife had been kind of kinky before, but never on that level(especially because my wife was not willing to go there). 2)They did their deeds in my home at least once, but probably more times. I read in one of their messages how AP "liked to pay her a visit" while I was working. Honestly, when I read this, I just threw her phone to the ground with such a strength that it broke down. Because of this I couldn't(nor wanted) to keep reading their messages. The same day I learned about the affair, I confronted her. I got all the sobbing, begging and crying that, for what I've seen in this forum and other forums out there, are common in this kind of situation. I honestly couldn't care less about it. Infidelity is the highest and most precious boundary I have and I AM NOT WILLING TO BREAK IT. We'll divorce, that's a given, even if it'll screw me up financially. I have 0 interest in giving her a chance to reconcile. I want to finish the process as fast as I can and never look at her face again. I know I am pretty old(I'll be 54 this April), but I still want to, in the future, find a faithful partner I can spend my life with. The kids are adults(20 and 18), so I don't have to deal with her for any reason at all. The problem is that she doesn't stop bothering me. I have blocked the numbers of all of her friends, but she always finds someone from whom she can borrow a phone to call me. She literally came to my brother's house(where I am staying while I don't find a place for myself) and begged on her knees in the front door for forgiveness(which was pretty humiliating for both of us). She claims that she is sorry, that I am a way better man than her AP, that she loves me more than her own life, and other things, though, in my view, if that was true, she wouldn't have cheated in first place. My sons are on my side and are very angry at their mom, though they are worried because she has been getting drunk, which she never did before. Regardless, how do you deal with this situation? How can you avoid the constant "persecution" from a WS? How can you make them leave you alone?

I’m sorry for your pain, I know how hard it is when you discover your wife has been cheating. I respect your decision to not want to reconcile. If it’s a deal breaker for you then you are done. See a lawyer and in start the divorce process. I don’t know the rules in your country so find out what you need to do. Maybe write her a letter and be firm but clear you don’t want anything to do with her.

Thanks Jajaynumb for answering. Yeah, I've already contacted a lawyer and the process is in motion. When it comes to the letter, I'll try it and it'll be my last resort. If she insists, I think I'll try to contact the police to see if they can do something about it. It is doubtful they'd take me seriously(I live in a very conservative region, where the man is always seen as the harasser and never as the victim), but who knows? Thankfully, I've had a lot of support from friends and family and that's the only reason I've been able to stay sane.

Keep a voice active recorder when you are around her. Let all calls go to voice mail to keep. You will be building a file for the attorney and the cops. It will show harassment that might be useful. Also the recording will show you are not the bad person in this should she accuse you of something. Being prepared is much easier than trying to do catch up.

This is unbelievable stress on your body. No drinking, drugs unless under the care of a physician. Try to eat healthy and get sleep when you can. If you are healthy enough walk, bike, hike but get out in the sunshine.

I am sorry you are here.

I would unblock her and allow her calls to go to VM and messages to go to Junk. I would then ask a friend to photograph/listen to them or down load them or keep them in some way without showing you the content.

This allows you to know what is being said without having to listen. Takes away the surprise of her changing her contact method. Also it allows a record of the harassment to build up. And for your friend to see if it’s escalating where you could be at risk.

I think it’s worth speaking to a lawyer locally. Video doorbell and maybe hallway camera and camera in car in case she visits you.

Remember to eat healthily, rest more than usual and exercise daily. I am sorry you are here. I promise the anger lessens over time. But you do need to get it out - don’t bottle it up.

LostInTheDarkForest

This is the club that no one ever wants to join but here you are. I'm sorry for your situation.

I cannot top the wisdom offered by more senior members here, but I would reiterate one aspect. Kindly take care of your health first - physical and mental. Don't forget to eat. Drink a lot of water. Go out for walks or get some exercise. And get yourself a therapist. Most importantly, get yourself a lawyer!

It's not clear if you are in the US or elsewhere. In the US, if you have credible concern that someone you know might harm themselves, there are resources to help them.

Now if she is borderline harassing you, talk to your lawyer for actions you can take. It's going to be a long journey. I wish you well.

I went through something similar. Like everyone else has said, document everything. Think of it as doing the homework for law enforcement or your attorney or both. The easier you make it for them to intervene, the more likely they will. I live in a community where it was almost impossible to get an order of protection if you'er a woman. You were considered a bitter ex. But I was able to get one.

What is really important is to have proof you made it clear you don't want contact of any kind. Blocking is not enough. In my case, I finally sent him an email, demanding that he not call, email, message, leave notes on my car, have my friends call, call my family, show up at my job, and every other thing he had tried. I detailed everything. He got so mad he responded back saying I was ridiculous. I printed my email to him and his response back to me. That was the thing that won my case. He couldn't 't argue that I hadn't made it clear, because I made it crystal clear and he acknowledged that he got it and read it.

Everyone is giving you the immediate practical side which is super important. But as a fellow BH, you are going to have to face this and work through it even after you divorce. This is the most painful thing to have ever happened to me as well and being a little further down the road I want to encourage you to first work towards acceptance that it happened and go from there. That alone is hard enough. But trying to just ignore it and pretend it never existed is a sure way to be tormented for years to come. You are strong and will survive even when it seems impossible. You owe her nothing but you do owe it to yourself to truly heal. For me reading here and other places was key to understanding and healing. It took 2 yrs before I am at a place I can start contributing back…

Welcome to SI and sorry that you've had to join us. Please take the time to read the posts pinned at the top of the forum, and take advantage of the Healing Library. The Healing Library has a list of acronyms we use, in case you need to reference it.

The anger is normal, and there's a whole lot of emotions that can come out unexpectedly. We call it the emotional rollercoaster. Please take care of yourself during this time, as it can take years to heal. I went to a betrayal trauma specialist, which I found helpful.

If your WW (wayward wife) really wants to do anything, then let her know she needs to respect your wishes and leave you alone right now.

Also, please be sure to get tested for STDs or STIs. You want to make sure that her A didn't give you something. If you're having trouble sleeping or with depression, please see your doctor and ask for medication. Meds can be helpful in the short-term to get through this horrible phase.

Hi everyone. I am short on time, so I am sorry if I can't answer everyone individually. First, I'd like everyone who gave me some of their time to answer me and give advice. As some have taught me to, I'll start documenting everything and, if she doesn't stop after I give her an ultimatum, I'll take it to the authorities(hopefully it'd help me in the divorce). When it comes to my anger, it's not like I am angry 24/7(as it was the case in the first few days), but yes, it is more a thing that comes and goes, specially in certain moments of the day(like when I am done working and it's time to go back home, as it kills me to know I won't be able to go to my old house, as it was defiled by her actions). Regardless, I am determined to not let this bring me down. I've faced a lot of hardships in my life since I was young and this is not the one that will kill me. I've always lived a life of hard work, integrity and self-respect and I don't intend to be changing it. About my health, I guess I am fine. I don't have the budget for a gym nor the time for long workout sections(as I said, I am NOT financially well off and work a lot in a manual labour). Sleep has been good though, which was not the case in the first two weeks. My eating habits are normal and I have never gotten drunk and that is never going to change, as I lost a close friend to an alcohol-related accident many years ago. My friends and family have been very supportive and I have a good social circle. Again, thank you all for all the advice.

I am sorry for your pain.

You might not like this but I think you should either listen to her or have her write out what she wants to say, read it and then respond. If you do that you will take some of the energy out of her. Right now she thinks "if I can only talk to him I'll show him I love him and will be perfect from now on". That's probably on her mind most of her waking day. To slow that down, consider giving her the chance to satisfy that need in the way that will cause you the least pain. Probably the letter.

I think this will slow down her frantic requests and remember you still are parents even though your kids are adults. You don't have to give her a chance to prove herself in R, just read her letter or listen to her. Then calmly respond with how you feel and proceed with D if that is your decision.

@LostInTheDarkForest

From someone who is still suffering from an XW who will not leave me alone.

First you are not old, strangely it seems in our 50's were are in quite a bit of demand.

Second, you are not responsible for her decline, this is on her.

Third, like you I cannot even remotely understand why if we were so special to begin why they "affair down" in the first place. Perhaps people are just prone to foolishness.

IF you find the magic elixir for making an XW go away, please share with us all.

If you do as Trdd suggested take someone with you. Never meet with someone this emotionally wobbly by yourself. Have a VAR with you as well and tell her you are recording. If she demands you stop leave immediately.

begged on her knees in the front door for forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t what she wants. She wants back in. She wants to regain control.

She will eventually realize it’s not going to work, and then she’ll switch to Plan B. That’s when things get ugly. When the fangs come out.

Follow everyone’s advice here.

And take care f yourself. This is a brutal time for you.

Sending strength!