SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are now 7 months post DD and I'm struggling. We went on holiday last week with our teen sons and whilst it was lovely, it was also bittersweet.
I kept thinking: how could he risk this beautiful family for something so pathetic and sordid?
On our penultimate night we were having dinner in a restaurant when a single man kept looking over. At the end of the meal he came up to my WH and said 'you have a wonderful family, I miss mine very much' then left. I just teared up that a stranger could appreciate how special our family is but my WH couldn't at the time of the affair (2 years A 13 years ago).
We then went onto a bar and when the barman found out two of our boys were twins he shook my husbands hand praising him. This reminded me of how he had been treated by doctors when I was pregnant with them and yet 3 years later he was cheating on me while I was pregnant with my 3rd.
Since we have been home I've been struggling (also have PMDD which is like pms on steroids) and he has started to get despondent saying one minute he thinks it will work the next minute he doesn't and he worries I will regret staying with him and that he wonders if we are delaying the inevitable and it would be better to rip the band aid off.
I showed him posts on the I can relate forum of people who found out years later and explained it is still going to take me 2-5 years even if he has had 13 years to get over it!
We then went for a walk, and admittedly I said for probably the third time I wish I could go back in time and find out then or have met a faithful husband instead and he literally rolled his eyes and said we are just going round in circles.
That was a red rag to a bull and I lost it and started telling him all the ways he had broken me and relieved all the trauma...how he cheated on me whilst pregnant, how he held my hand whilst I delivered our 3rd son knowing he was getting off over pics of his mates wife, how he saw me struggling with breastfeeding and post natal depression and at 3 months post partum decided to have sex with his mates pregnant wife. How he convinced me not to seek medical help for my mental health. How he treated me like shit and made me cry on mother's day with 3 kids under 4. How I caught him liking pictures of boobs on Facebook and watching porn and struggled so much with my body image I booked a boob job. How he saw my physical health decline resulting in multiple surgeries which I thought he was by my side throughout. How I had sex with him before I was fully healed as I was scared of losing him. How I tried to buy underwear etc to keep him happy in the bedroom but he was already getting his kicks elsewhere. How he would get angry and blank me the next day if I didn't have sex with him. How he watched me give up my career to fight for my kids to get special educational support. How he watched my kids go through medical tests for health problems and continued to cheat. How he never ended it but she did and he then took me to her vow renewal. How she remained in our life as a friend and commented on all my Facebook posts asking me to meet up with the kids. How she only left our life when her husband (his best man) found their deleted texts a year later. How he lied to me about it for 13 years depriving me of my agency. How he could treat the mother of his children with such disrespect. How he swore on his kids lives he never cheated. How he went to work on DD and left my kids to care for their vomiting mother. How I had to have surgery 3 days after DD and my blood pressure was so high from stress they nearly cancelled the surgery. How I ended up on sleeping tablets, beta blockers and twice a week counselling. How I ended up suicidal and still managed to finish a masters degree whilst dealing with all this shit. How his mother is busy badgering him to visit her, telling him he can leave me and life is too short not to be happy. How I feel he stole my life, my soul, my past, my present, my future,my happiness, my memories, my trust and my hope.

Just all of it. How do I get over all of this? What did I do to deserve all of this? How could someone be so cruel and so selfish? When will the pain end? Can I ever know peace and happiness again?😔

Hi Evio,

I'm not a super regular poster, but I happened on your post today and just want to say that you have been heard. I hear your pain and I am so sorry you are living this. Just two small things to maybe, at least take a little bit of the edge off of some of this for you:

First, this is a double edged sword...but...7 months is so so early. So, on the one hand, your visceral feelings are as right as rain right now. There is not a thing "wrong" with what you are feeling and how intense it is. It is totally and completely "normal" and spot on for where you are right now. I know that's comforting on the one hand, but so discouraging on the other, because I'm sure you feel like you ALREADY can't do this any longer. All I can say, from experience, is that it DOES get better...but it takes way too long...and that is with a supportive and hard working BS. I'm very sorry 😞.

Second thing...if my WS had ever rolled her eyes at me in a moment of my pain...ESPECIALLY so early on...I too would have seen red and I am not even sure our R would have survived that. You were, again, spot on for coming completely unglued at that. I don't know any BS that wouldn't have. Yes, let him know that does not fly in the slightest.

Hang in. You in no way deserve this.

WH

There’s a line in a Clint Eastwood film — "Deserve has got nothing to do with it."

I found it to be true in so many ways — and twice as much with infidelity.

No one ever deserves infidelity.

Tell your husband to stop shifting the responsibility of healing the M to you.

He can’t keep playing the "delaying the inevitable card."

Quite frankly, it’s a bull**** and cowardly response.

My wife went a different way about helping to heal the M — she said, "I broke it, I have to take the lead to help fix it." And she has.

It does get better, we do heal.

However, healing is more uphill if your WS is sitting on his hands and hoping for the best. Claiming you will "regret" somewhere down the road is turning away from all the things he could do now.

Of COURSE you’re going to go in circles over this stuff, that’s how PTSD works. Your brain is trying to find a path that doesn’t include all this pain, that’s why you keep asking the hard questions.

Ask all the hard questions you need.

Keep venting.

I sure hope you vented all the things to him that you got to write down here.

If you haven’t, maybe he needs to see it.

Thank you woundedhealer and oldwounds...it definitely helps to hear men's perspectives. I have spent years thinking I'm dramatic and over sensitive (told it regularly as a child) so often doubt my own reactions.

Oldwounds - I have said all of this to him and he has read this post...he reads some posts on here but does not want to join in...he is a natural avoidant - his counsellor said he has never had to face consequences in his life.

I know he is trying to do better but his natural response to conflict - and now discussing about the affair - is to turn his back to me, walk away, try and shut down the conversation or bust himself folding laundry instead of looking at me while I'm talking. This just winds me up and makes me reactive. In his defence, I know I use 15 sentences to say what I could of in 1, I am a born talker and process things out loud and when he tries to shut the conversation down with an eye roll, turning his back on me or saying 'ok' or 'yep' it just prolongs the conversation as it provokes my anger and I go off in a tangent.

He said from the early days of reconciliation he was worried he didn't have the emotional skills to do the work (he has undiagnosed ADHD and was raised in an emotionally avoidant family) and I worry he won't. I can't make myself heal any quicker!

I know he is trying to do better but his natural response to conflict - and now discussing about the affair - is to turn his back to me, walk away, try and shut down the conversation or bust himself folding laundry instead of looking at me while I'm talking. This just winds me up and makes me reactive. In his defence, I know I use 15 sentences to say what I could of in 1, I am a born talker and process things out loud and when he tries to shut the conversation down with an eye roll, turning his back on me or saying 'ok' or 'yep' it just prolongs the conversation as it provokes my anger and I go off in a tangent.

He said from the early days of reconciliation he was worried he didn't have the emotional skills to do the work (he has undiagnosed ADHD and was raised in an emotionally avoidant family) and I worry he won't. I can't make myself heal any quicker!

Wow! There is so much in here that is my H and myself. I know the sadness and frustration you are feeling, and I'm so sorry. It does get better, in an excruciatingly slow time. I still mourn all that my H's cheating has stolen from me, and from us, but it is not so all consuming anymore.

Feel what you need to feel, ask what you need to ask, and vent what you need to vent. That's how you get through it.

Thanks purple...has a meltdown today but feeling a bit better now. The support here really helps 💗

Just all of it. How do I get over all of this? What did I do to deserve all of this? How could someone be so cruel and so selfish? When will the pain end? Can I ever know peace and happiness again?

One day at a time, dear lady. It takes years to heal. You've a long road ahead of you.

It doesn't seem from anything you've written, in this or other posts, that your WH "gets it." That's common, BTW. It takes some WS longer than others to understand just how badly they've fucked-up their lives and the lives of those whom they supposedly love.

For him, it seems, it's all in the past and he'd like to keep it that way. You're still married, there's no signs from you that might change. He's hoping, I'd imagine, that eventually you'll get over it and this will all just go away.

The eye rolling though... gets my blood boiling. Dismissive, indifferent, cold, manipulative shit.

There's an essay in The Healing Library entitled: "Understanding the 180." Shortly after finding SI, I printed the essay and read it every few days or so. It definitely helped, though it was so long ago I can't remember how.

It's entirely possible your WH does not have what it takes to reconcile (something he admittedly fears). If that's the case, what options does that leave you?

ETA you will find peace and happiness again. It takes time and a little (sometimes a lot) of self-care.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:41 AM, Wednesday, August 27th]

Thanks unhinged.

I think he understands now how much damage he has done but definitely didn't at first....I think he just thought I'd leave him and be angry. It doesn't help that he is from a family of cheaters who are all emotionally avoidant. When DD happened his mum told him he was a good husband and father, she was proud of him, his kids would get over it and sometimes things don't work out and that ok...how she thought it's ok to walk away from a 20 year relationship with three neurodiverse kids and feel proud of ruining their lives for a few shags and some dirty talk with his mates wife I'll never know!!!!

If he can't do the work...he leaves. We have discussed I have to keep the house because of my kid's needs (three neurodiverse and youngest has severe anxiety and some learning difficulties). He would end up in a rented room working all the hours to pay for it and I would end up run ragged caring for the kids, pet and large home alone.

If I didn't love him, he didn't love me and I didn't see the good in him I'd just end things but I know his behaviour is due to his shame, conflict avoidant personality, ADHD behaviour and fear of his family (they are nagging him to visit 6 hours away and he knows I'm not ready to see them and he doesn't want to leave me behind but cannot tell them this because....he is conflict avoidance! 😔 They are welcome to visit us in our home where I can get space if I need it but I'm not going to visit them so it's not like he can't see them!)

I'm hoping he realises that he needs to let me take as long as it takes to heal, he needs to do the work, he needs to control his shame, and he needs to prioritise his family over his FOO.

He reads on here occasionally (he won't post) so if anyone has any advice directly for him please post it. Thank you.