SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (32F) and my husband (38M) have been married for 14 years. I had a drunken one night stand 14 months ago with a woman I had never met and have never seen again. The guilt and shame ate me alive so i told him a few days later.

I did everything he asked me to. I got sober and have not touched alcohol since. He now has say over who I hang out with and how long I hang out with them. He asked me to quit my job, so I did. He asked me to get rid of my smutty books, so I did. He asked me to get rid of all my ugly pajama clothes and wear girl clothes to bed, so I did.

The one thing he has asked me to do that I am struggling with is to lose weight. At DDay, I weighed 195 pounds and he wanted me to weigh 140-150 pounds.

I lost 30 pounds over the span of the first 9 months but the weightloss has since staggered. But I am now leaner and stronger then I have ever been my whole life.

Out of nowhere, we ended up having a big fight about my weight a few days ago. He says because my weightloss has become stagnant, it is proof that I am not committing myself to reconciliation. He then claimed I have done nothing towards reconciliation and when I tried to list off everything I have done, he shut me down and told me to stop talking.

I listened to him try to explain why he needed me to lose weight and I tried to listen and understand, but it hurt to hear. My self-esteem took a huge hit to hear what he thinks of my body and I started hyperventilating when he tried to touch me.

I am still hyperaware of my loose skin, touching thighs, and sagging. I am not comfortable with him touching me. He said since I am not comfortable with him touching me, I might as well sleep in another room.

So I am now sleeping on the couch.

Wayward wives, did your husband make you lose weight to forgive you? How did you get through that without taking it personally? I don't want to divorce. I want reconcilation but I am struggling with understanding what my weight has to do with reconciliation.

[This message edited by NoOneReally at 7:11 AM, Thursday, August 20th]

It sounds a little like he thinks you can prove you love him by being totally obedient.

A healthy reconciliation typically occurs when the ws figures out their deficits that contributed to the affair and works on themselves to ensure they can be a safe and healthy partner moving forward. It’s up to us to figure out how to rebuild trust, make amends, and help repair the marriage if that’s what is decided the course will be.

The betrayed spouse should lean into feeling and processing their feelings, getting their questions answered and finding a path towards their own healing. And after some of their belief in the spouse is restored, some reparations have been made, they too will begin the work to help repair the relationship.

This arrangement you describe seems shallow in nature and unlikely to lead you both down a true path of reconciliation but I am no expert. I do not mean this in a derogatory way at all, but I wonder if the need to see you more feminine clothing eases his mind on whether or not you are bi or lesbian? Does he have a mentality that your presence is maybe butch (nothing wrong with that) and now it’s off putting because you had a same sex affair? I am a bit uncomfortable asking because I have no problems with any of it, but I wonder if he has given you rationale? What did he know about your sexuality before? My husband didn’t mind I have been with women, but not all spouses would be accepting of a bisexual mate and may impose some of their prejudices. Do you think this is at all some of his issue?

Have you gone to therapy? Has he? What have you done towards working on your healing?

To answer your question more directly, no my husband did not use the opportunity to change me into what he wanted me to be. I did actually lose weight and get in the best shape of my life afterwards but it was mostly because running was the only way I could deal with my anxiety. My husband didn’t make any of the demands you are describing.