SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So yes, I’m overthinking. It’s hard not to do when your husband of 27 years leaves you for another woman after having a two year affair with her. I told him to not come home and we will be divorcing- I got my lawyer. I busted him in early June after I was suspicious. It’s like he was living two separate lives however after the affair was out in the open he showed no remorse. We had a great marriage for many years and two beautiful young adult kids (which were shocked by all this as well). He’s done with me and it hurts. The other woman is 12 years younger, divorced and has a young child- he met her at the gym. Obviously she made him feel special and stroked his ego. With me comes responsibility. And not to brag but I am a 52 year old fit, attractive woman. However the thing I’m overthinking is one of the reasons he mentioned he wasn’t happy in our marriage- because of my illness. I have an autoimmune disease that flares at times which causes extreme fatigue and when that happens I need more help around the house and it effected my ability to go on vacations at times. I mean our vows said in sickness and in health. How selfish of him. It’s not like I was holding him back from things at all. I keep thinking how horrible it is of him to make my occasional poor health a reason (one of the reasons) for leaving me, like I wasn’t good enough for him. I don’t want to have an illness- it doesn’t feel good, it sucks- and then he makes me feel worse about it because he’s selfish! But this overthinking is making me feel worse about being sick and about being able to "keep up". I hate that I’m letting him make me feel this way, but it’s hard not to overthink when I’ve lost my husband to another woman, a younger woman. I’m still trying to process this entire situation because it’s like the rug was pulled out from under me. This was unexpected. We were just reaching the point when the kids are out of the house and we could enjoy more time together. Now my life has been flipped upside down! It’s scary and lonely and I have many worries for my future now. It really feels horrible when you learn your husband is not attracted to you and doesn’t love you anymore. That’s what I’m struggling with…

Have you read any posts that mention the infamous Cheater's Handbook? Cheaters often rewrite marital history and say they haven't been happy for a long time. He had other options, such as speak to you about it, suggest MC, D you first. He decided to have an A, which is not a good coping skill.

His A really isn't about your autoimmune disease - it's really about his selfishness. He doesn't want to think that any of this could have been because of his issues, so it's easier to blame you, blame the dog, blame the wind, etc.

His A doesn't really reflect on your looks. Look at all of the "gorgeous" actresses and singers who have had cheating spouses. Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Shakira, and the list goes on. Adam Levine cheated on his wife, who was a Victoria's Secret underwear model. Kinda hard to compete with that, and yet their WS cheated. I get it though, my self-esteem was in the toilet for a while after.

Chaos, another SI member, has the BASGU [bad a** sparkly goddess unicorn] method. Go out and buy you some outfits that make you feel fabulous. Chaos buys sparkly undies and wears them just for herself. It doesn't have to be anything expensive, but something that makes you feel like a BASGU. (It really does help.)

The rug WAS pulled out from under you, and the overthinking part is your brain on trauma. Have you thought about IC with a trauma-informed therapist? I found mine to be very helpful during my healing journey.

I love BASGU idea! That’s fun! I’m going to try that.

Good point bringing up beautiful people that were cheated on. Dumb ass cheating spouses!

Yes, thanks for pointing out that he had other choices and he chose to have an affair vs MC or D.

I’ll have to look into the Cheater’s Handbook
Thank you!

this is SOOOOO cliche'

The other woman is 12 years younger, divorced and has a young child- he met her at the gym

.

One word describes most of you soon-to-be-ex: SELFISH
and a bunch of other integrity defects.

Your thinking is to blame yourself for things that were not the root cause of the problem.

Your H’s lack of morals and character are the issue.

And it’s not the OW who is anything special. She also is devoid of morals as she was willing to be the OW for years.

FYI my opinion of relationships that start as affairs is that they have a very low chance of success. There is already mistrust die ti the fact they started as cheaters. When the newness wears off and life becomes mundane, one of them may cheat. Because that’s what cheaters do.