SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well...fuck my life!!!

Back story, you can probably look up my username and see posts from early 2016. The short version. I found my wife cheating on me back in 2015. Took years to recover including counseling for me, her and together. Only way I was able to get through it is seeing her put in an effort and seem remorseful.

Fast forward last November... I find some messages with an old college friend that were mildly innapropriate considering our past, I put an end to it real quick. 9 days later she created a secrete instagram account where shes been commmunicating with him since. The other guy is also married with kids. Messages have been deleted, I know they met once at a work enivorment in that time, but I dont believe any physical contact has happened. Just no opportunity considering our schedules and distance apart. From the explanation I got there was lots of flirting and exchanges of pics. More emotional cheating. This guy broke it off with her about a month ago. She was appartently "devistated". She met another guy off tik tok of all places. Started chatting up with him in instagram and met in person on a work trip several weeeks ago. I was able to see those messages and I know nothing physical happened. But there was lots of pics exchanged. Pics that I thought were for me on Valentines day this year. This last guy was innocent, she told him she was getting divorced and was totally duped by her.

I'm at a loss guys. I suspected something for several months, a gut feeling, little things, but no proof to confront her about it. Last night I was able to get her cell phone and took 5 seconds to find the IG account and messages. All those years of work...down the fucking drain. I dont know how I can ever trust her again. She may have not fucked anyone this time but it was just a matter of time, I believe. What's crazy, as distraught as I am about this, its nothing compared to how I felt the first time it happened.

Some of the signs I recognized that something may be going on were... this last year our marriage has seemed great! I mean great! I get all the sex I want, she innitiates abunch, shes always happy. Very similar to the year leading up to the first time I caught her. Another sign was that everytime I walk up while shes on her phone shes swiping up to close an app and moving on to something else, just as I walk up. Another thing...on a couple occasions, while she was out of town and met the two guys, I was able to see her location via iphone and it was not were I expected, but I know those could be off so I didnt say anything based on just that.

Im at a loss and dont know what to do right now. Im numb. She was hysterical last night balling her eyes out crying telling me how she loved me and didnt know what was wrong with her and didnt know how to stop. Fuck my life! the end

IHurtDec3,

I am so sorry I am almost 7 years too (2015) from my initial D-Day and have found out too my WH is back at his cheating again, ironically off meet all of the 4 AP's off of TikTok too. Seems to be the new social media cheating site to meet desperate and lonely people willing to cheat. We had tried to reconcile too, seems to be a farse.

Wow--she said she didn't know how to stop! That's unbelievable, it seems pretty easy to a rational person. If someone engages you in something inappropriate you just block them.

I will say this should be the final stop, I would have a polygraph scheduled and see where the chips fall. IF she has something else to add or admit before she actually takes it (as usually happens) I would follow through with it, no question. Tell her she needs to pass it before you even engage with any discussion about the future (regardless of what your planning).

She apparently does have something wrong with her, and she will never be a safe partner. I will never understand after a cheating spouse actually witnesses and sees the fallout of the actions, the unsurmountable pain they put someone they claim to love over after D-Day AND still goes and cheats again proves them to be a narcissist in my opinion. They have zero empathy.

The tears she's shedding are those of being caught and acting for your benefit only. The reason for her WHY is she is a cake eater, she is addicted to the ego kibbles and has an empty bucket in her soul that is filled with holes that will never satisfy her.

I hate it when people are back although it seems like it's the most common occurrence. You gave her a chance she didn't deserve in the first place so take good care of yourself.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 8:59 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]

Sorry this happened. It's the absolute worst.

After the shock wears off you might come to realize that if she remains unchanged after several years of therapy, "doesn't know what's wrong with her" and "doesn't know how to stop," she probably never will.

So I'd say this narrows down your choices.

Take good care!

I'm sorry you're back here but now your WW is a proven serial cheater who has admitted she doesn't even know how to stop cheating on you, and btw those gps location services are typically spot on and only off by a few feet when cell reception is good like urban areas, but even in rural areas they'll give you a general idea and maybe off about 200 to 300 feet give or take (this based on my own experience as all my vehicles have the service from the factory (I still have adult college children living with me) and verification by Apple's "Find My" app, again they're not perfect but in my experience pretty reliable most of the time, so there's that.

Again you deserve so much better than an unrepentant serial cheater and liar, I suggest you pull the plug and end this farce of a M, life's too short, contact a D attorney and get the ball rolling, oh and don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this again. What's obvious here is that your WW didn't learn the first time. After everything that's happened, she still doesn't have boundaries and her promises mean nothing. It's up to you how you want to handle that. My fWH had done all the online stuff ten years before he cheated on me in person, so yeah, I can't say I didn't move the goalposts in order to consider R. I had been completely certain that if I caught him again, I'd end the marriage on the spot. For me though, I was able to mitigate it in my mind that the cheating had been virtual and not "real". We got in with bad marriage counseling and the whole thing got rugswept. I didn't demand real change from him because I didn't really know what to ask for.

These days, I believe that cheating is about character. It's about the relationship a cheater has with their own core values. It's about integrity and boundaries. The cheater has a "but.." in their core value of Fidelity. ie. "She believes in fidelity, but... not if she needs external validation and thinks she won't get caught."

Once you start seeing it as a cheater problem and not a relationship problem, what to look for becomes obvious pretty darned quick. The problem is that when we get hurt like that, we tend to internalize and make it about ourselves. That way, we've fooled ourselves into believing we can prevent it from happening again.

Anyway, it's up to you. I think if I'd had the physical cheating first and then the online cheating, I'd have been out. The flagrance of the boundary violation just seems so much clearer after adultery that you can't find any way to lie to yourself about. That said, yours are the boots on the ground. I think you know just from having been here before that you don't have to commit to anything just now, and I wouldn't. If you didn't do it last time, I'd definitely see a lawyer and find out what my options looked like realistically. Life is just too short to keep doing this all the time.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:22 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]

I'm so sorry you find yourself back here.

It doesn't seem like your WW learned anything from the counseling and her attempt to make it right.

Keep in mind she is broken, never really repaired. are you willing to devote more years of your life to someone who may very well do this again?

She's not trustworthy. Any trust you gained is back to square one.

Frankly, I think you need to meet with an attorney asap.

They are people who are ruled by their compulsion. One of my sorority sisters was a kleptomaniac. She came from money but it had nothing to do with that. She just went out and stole several times a week. Your wife has a compulsion and when she says she doesn’t know why that’s perfectly true. Why do people over eat until they weigh 500 pounds…it’s a compulsion. Why do people gamble until they lost everything it can be a compulsion or an addiction but it still ruins lives. What you need to do is decide whether you can deal with this because she’s going to keep doing it

Uhm she does know what’s wrong with her.

She appears to be a serial cheater.

Why? Who knows. Point is serial cheaters have a very hard time stopping the affair or avoiding starting a new one.

I suggest you not feel sorry for her and you start putting yourself first. Don’t worry about her, instead concentrate on yourself.

"It happened again N years later" threads fucking kill me.

You weren't stupid. You were gracious and kind and she shit on your willingness to R.

Sorry this happened to you. Sending strength.

I'd say that you have a pretty good idea of who your WW is as a person.she does ot sound like wife material to me. She seems to recognize that something is broken in her. You gave her a chance that she was not owed the first time and she blew it. I suspect there have been more over the years. Your call, but is this the life you want?

Shit, there’s so much cheating going on out there, the odds of your WW cheating again are almost the same as if you divorced her and got involved with a whole new cheater. Then you’d have two divorces under your belt.

So there’s that.

Your best odds are divorcing and joining a seminary or raging on Tinder like a total Playaa.

None of this was helpful-sorry.

Ahh damn!!! This is the worst nightmare when trying to R. Some of the lessons we learned the first time around is to trust your gut. Good for you spotting it and acting on it.

The hysterical crying is complete bull shit!!! She knows better and thought she could out smart you. She is trying to manipulate you. Time to decide what you want. Freedom from infidelity or a life of pain and misery.

Detach and 180 she’s not going to stop.

This is the same situation I had. After DD1 10 years ago I thought our marriage was great. I thought we fixed all the problems. I remember the therapist telling us that an affair was "a fault of the marriage " and that there were things we could both do to improve it". Such bullshit. It was the fault of the cheating ahole. But I thought I had some control. As long as the marriage was going along well, regular sex, having fun together, he wouldn’t have an affair.

But same as you he’d be screen switching, he’d go to the store and be gone for three hours and then I found a message on his phone asking a woman out. He asked her out to a bar the night before while I was sitting next to him at that same bar. I thought we were having fun together. He was thinking of meeting her there.

The first time I caught him I was distraught. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Cried for a month. It took years to get over the shock. This time I just felt done. I actually felt some relief. I don’t need to be suspicious anymore, don’t need to wonder what he’s up to.

The therapist was totally wrong. I have no control over whether he’ll cheat or not. Maybe that’s some of the relief and the numb feeling you have also. You realize none of this is your fault, you see your spouse clearly.

In my case I immediately sought a divorce. 45 days later and all the paperwork is done and in. I went from thinking I was happily married in August to realizing I never knew who I was married to.

That they can enjoy or pretend to enjoy us and still seek out AP’s means we’ll never be able to tell when they’re cheating, there’s nothing we can do to stop it, they were never willing to change.

Best wishes to you. I hope you know that you are not alone in this, this seems to be a common theme among the broken people we marry.

Thank you all for sharing your stories… I wish none of us were here. This last week has been a blurr…. I have no idea what I’m going to do…. Alcohol has been a a big part of my week… hard to get though a day without it. I’m doing all I can just to keep my kids insulated from this

Honestly, this is why the right answer is usually separation/ divorce. Very few exceptions. The time lost can never be recovered.

Put the booze away, in your situation it can be a hell of a problem multiplier.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 4:59 AM, Monday, October 10th]

Some of the signs I recognized that something may be going on were... this last year our marriage has seemed great! I mean great! I get all the sex I want, she innitiates abunch, shes always happy. Very similar to the year leading up to the first time I caught her.

This is very telling. Some cheating is a response to circumstance. Drunken ONS, getting too close to a neighbor or co worker, etc. but some cheating is just because it makes them happy. This is typically seen in the serial cheater. She is just happier when she is getting attention be it emotionally or physically from other men. Not that this can’t be overcome. Even the the worst drug addict can kick the habit. The problem is it’s very rare, takes tremendous amount of work, and will be subjected to countless relapses.

The question for you is is this the life you want to lead? It will be awful. The only time you can be reasonably sure she isn’t cheating is when your marriage is crappy. When you are happy the thoughts of her cheating will kill you. It’s supposed to be the other way around.

What did she say for herself?

IHurtDec3

Alcohol will cause more emotion so please stay away from it. I totally get it. Been there done that, shortly after my first D-Day I went to a charity event, drank too much, had to call my WH to pick me up, he saw me at my weakest point, all the way home crying to the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. A basic hot mess, I should have never given him to see me like that.

You said how do you keep your children insulated from this? Short answer, you can't, give an age appropriate explanation. This is a life lesson for them, that they didn't choose to experience. I'm sure (like mine) your kids are older since the 2016 D-Day, they likely witnessed thte devastation it caused back then (slightly) but now that they are older they can understand better, although not easier.

We are almost in the exact same boat from the original D-Day and now the second so I truly understand your pain.

We GAVE them a chance, that wasn't even deserved, suffered, my WH & your WW SAW the fallout, the crushing blow and that DID NOT STOP THEM. in my opinion that equates to a certain type of evil and sick person. They have no empathy, they do not really love and that can't be changed.

Sending an incredible amount of strength your way IHurtDec3

Sorry you are here again.
Treat yourself like this is DDAY 1.
1) Eat well, drink lots of water, get exercise, avoid alcohol. These will help you mentally, physically, and emotionally. I used alcohol as a crutch and it really set me back. Try to avoid.
2) Get to your doctor and get full STD panel. Make your wife do the same and show you the results before you are intimate with her (without protection). It may not have been physical, but who knows? This is to protect your health, and the health of future partners. If you are having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor about it
3) See a lawyer to get knowledge on what D might look like. You don’t have to file or even intend to file— but knowledge is power and it will help you weigh all your options and remove fear of the unknown. You do not need to tell your WW that you are doing this.
4) Get IRL support if possible- family, pastor, IC, bestie…. It helps to have some places to talk in addition to SI.
5) Insist your WW, a full grown capable adult, get herself into IC. She has issues. Whether your R or D, she needs to fix her shit. And that will take YEARS since she’s been a liar and cheater for so many years. Any chance of R would require her to seriously dedicate her energy to fixing her shit.
6) 100% transparency on her devices and her whereabouts while you are in shock. This should be a no-brainer for her to offer.

Repeat offenders are not great candidates for R. But you will decide what you need - IC will help you formulate what you want and need, and what you should do.

I am so sorry you are here. Take care of yourself and your kids.